Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Children don't want to go out with their Dad

75 replies

NeedSleepNow · 10/09/2022 00:01

I am a single Mum to 3 children aged 12, 10 and 5. They live with me full time (no court order in place and no real routine with when they see their Dad which is causing all manor of problems but that's a separate issue).

They do see their Dad most weekends and sometimes in the week but the kids often don't want to. We still own the house jointly so legally he can come and go as he wants to. Recently he has arranged to take them out but the kids do not want to go. The oldest has a terrible relationship with his Dad and wants very little to do with him. The 10 year old is very clingy and tearful and just wants to stay with me and the 5 year old is happyl to go some of the time but other times just sobs.

Would you force the kids to go or just make them available and if they won't go don't make an issue of it? Their Dad does often see them at the house but they don't want to go out with him. I think they feel more secure at home. He gets very angry with me when the children don't want to go with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 02/10/2022 11:35

He has been gone 16 months now. My lawyer advised me not to change the locks though and I know he would get very difficult if I did. As it is he tells the kids it is his house still, that he has been forced out whilst I can live there still because I claim benefits, answered the landline the other day when he was with "my house". I desperately want to get our finances sorted so that I can have a home that is now his, but I really don't know how I can afford to live anywhere else at the moment. Rents are very high here, I can easily cover the current mortgage until the fixed rate finishes in 2 years, I wouldn't get a mortgage in just my name, I could get family to help with a joint mortgage but interest rates are going up so that will become more and more unaffordable. I just can't see a way or if this at the moment

OP posts:
Bellsbeachwaves · 02/10/2022 11:42

🌺hi OP. Awful. Just awful.

In what way could he make life (more) difficult if you changed the locks?

Bellsbeachwaves · 02/10/2022 11:45

I'm not saying he won't, but if you've got strategies to deal with him it might boost your confidence in dealing with him. It sounds to me like getting him out might actually help you and the kids.

Whiskeypowers · 02/10/2022 12:20

I feel so sorry for you this is awful
like @Bellsbeachwaves I also think that you cannot allow him to just keep swanning in like this it is having a terrible effect on you and especially the oldest child
sorry if I missed this but have his behaviour towards the children been disclosed?

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 02/10/2022 12:21

I think if I change the locks he will take it to court trying for 50/50 care which I genuinely feel would be bad for the children. Their mental health and self esteem is improving with each day and I know they would slowly slip back to where they were. I want them all to have good relationships with their Dad and I have always said to him that I won't ever stop him being part of their lives but things aren't wishing at they are.

He can be a bully and i know he will ramp up the pressure, phonecalls, text messages, lies to they kids if I change the locks.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 02/10/2022 12:28

I agree with everyone that you (and your children) need boundaries. This man shouldn't have access to your safe space and all contact with the children should be out of the house. Tbh it sounds like the ideal contact for the children would be much less than it is now - since your ex is unlikely to agree, you'll probably need to go to court on this.

Forgive me if you've mentioned this, but were/are you married? It seems to me that the priority should be to sort the house and finances so he has no argument for still having access. Can you afford to buy him out (maybe with family help)? If not, there's a very small chance that you might be able to stay in the house until the children are grown up but the most likely option is that the house will have to be sold.

If you have proof that he's shouting or being aggressive, you could also look into getting a court order excluding him from the house.

Whiskeypowers · 02/10/2022 12:28

Personally I think you have to bite the bullet here. I know it isn’t easy I speak from personal experience

the 12 year old would certainly be listened to by cafcass / social services and the court. I’m f things are as and as you say then it might be worth investing in exploring this with a child psychologist. Their fathers shouting and controlling behaviour is emotional abuse which gives rise to risk or or actual experience of emotional harm which are child protection issues or something f to ask for help with I would suggest. What are school aware of in relation to all of this?

the fact is he is utterly exploitative and is being financially controlling too int ears of holding you all literally hostage to his whims regarding accommodation and contact

you say he will become worse but this is no
life

FictionalCharacter · 02/10/2022 12:29

“I try to convince the kids to go out with him, remind them that Daddy loves them and misses them, and that he just enjoys spending time with them but it is so hard if they are screaming, clinging to me crying that they don't want to go. I do then get told that as the Mother I should be forcing them to go as then their relationship would improve.”
Please don’t. Poor kids. Put their feelings first, not his. They don’t like him, and for good reason. You might eventually be forced by the court to let him take them out, but you don’t have to pretend you agree or that you think they should like him. Be truthful with them.
If you force them when they don’t want to go, or feed them that “daddy loves you” nonsense, they’ll resent you and it will affect your future relationship with them. They won’t forget how Mum made them go out with Dad because he wanted it and they didn’t.

sueelleker · 02/10/2022 12:39

NeedSleepNow · 18/09/2022 14:24

Thanks for your reply @Whiskeypowers . He is paying maintenance based on the cms calculated rate, but he loves to tell everyone that he pays way too much and that he pays towards the house. I frequently remind him that no, cms is for the children and he is NOT paying towards anything else. I pay for the mortgage, household bills, etc.and use his cm payments towards all of the children's costs like clothes, school trips, activities, parties, birthday presents, days out, food, etc. His payments do not cover all child related costs but he seems to think it does and pays towards the house.

We separated as I was sick of the kids and I being treated like crap. We were always in the wrong, the kids were constantly shouted at, their confidence was non existant, the atmosphere at home was toxic and I was sick of walking on eggshells around him. He of course tells everyone how devastated he is that I kicked him out, have made him unwelcome in his home, am preventing him seeing the children....

No he isn't involved with school or homework. He has complained that I don't let him come round to help with the Homework but it just feels like another way he is trying to have control. On the rare occasion he has helped with it in the past it always ends badly. The kids upset as he moans and tells them they are doing it all wrong, don't listen etc. When I told him the kids were busy doing homework and couldn't see him until the afternoon he started demanding to know why he can't come round and assist with homework at the weekends and after school. He can't seem to grasp that we have separated and it is not normal for him to then spend most of his free time back here.

Show quote history

And he wonders why they don't want to spend time with him?🙄

Milkand2sugarsplease · 02/10/2022 16:58

No, he can't just walk in the house, despite being joint owner.

The courts put it in DH's court order that his exW had to arrange access to the house if she wanted to/needed to, (not just break in which she did on 3 occasions). She was told that, as she didn't live there, she had no right to come and go as she pleased and DH had a right to safety and not keep coming home to the house being broken into.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 02/10/2022 18:12

Milkand2sugarsplease · 02/10/2022 16:58

No, he can't just walk in the house, despite being joint owner.

The courts put it in DH's court order that his exW had to arrange access to the house if she wanted to/needed to, (not just break in which she did on 3 occasions). She was told that, as she didn't live there, she had no right to come and go as she pleased and DH had a right to safety and not keep coming home to the house being broken into.

I was under the impression that because there is no court order at this stage, that he can unfortunately turn up whenever he wants and could in theory move straight back in tomorrow if he wanted to.

OP posts:
AccountDeactivated · 02/10/2022 18:24

Their relationship had never been great, with some emotional abuse. The final straw for me was when eldest was curled up on the floor sobbing with ex shouting in his face about how he needs to learn.

’the kids don’t want to go to their dad’-well, yeah, I’d like to fucking hope so. Have these traumatised kids been having any therapy yet? They’ll need extensive therapy to try to mitigate some of the lifelong impact of being made to live in an an abusive house. Being made to spend time with the abuser is horrific.

Cascais · 02/10/2022 18:32

He needs to not come in your house

RandomMess · 02/10/2022 18:46

Please speak to rights of women tomorrow and ask about the threshold for an occupation order. He has been and continues to be abusive.

He has moved out yet continues to come back and emotionally abused the DC - that's not ok.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 02/10/2022 18:52

In the nicest way possible, it's time to grow a backbone.
Your kids continue to suffer trauma; you're being so passive that it's allowing him to get away with whatever he wants and the affect on the children could be catastrophic.
You need proper legal advice and fuck mediation.

PurpleCatCuddles · 02/10/2022 18:55

I've read all your posts and quite frankly I'd be stopping all contact immediately and going straight to court, ensuring that the abuse is documented. You left because of the abuse but you're all still experiencing it - not much has actually changed. This isn't healthy for any of you.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 02/10/2022 19:03

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 02/10/2022 18:52

In the nicest way possible, it's time to grow a backbone.
Your kids continue to suffer trauma; you're being so passive that it's allowing him to get away with whatever he wants and the affect on the children could be catastrophic.
You need proper legal advice and fuck mediation.

I know you are absolutely right. I feel like I have no voice around him and do really struggle standing up to him. It took me a long time to find the strength to leave him and I'm again finding it hard to stand up to him

OP posts:
GettingItOutThere · 02/10/2022 19:59

you need to back your children up here after reading your update. you need to support your eldest and if they dont want to see dad then YOU need to tell dad why.

I would never force my kids to see anyone. support them, stop facilitating a bully

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 02/10/2022 20:06

How do I go about getting a CAO? If we can come to some sort of agreement (I doubt we will be able to) can a solicitor just write it up and submit it to the court for consideration/approval like with finances or does the court only get involved when parents can't agree?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/10/2022 20:11

Stop him seeing the DC until he sorts one out basically.

First stop Rights of Women, next stop speak to school welfare about his ongoing emotional abuse of the DC. Hope they speak to SS.

Bestcatmum · 02/10/2022 20:17

Excuse me! You are paying the whole mortgage yet owns half the house? How do you think this is going to end. All of this needs sorting now - legal separation if you are married and if not you need to separate financially. Get legal advice, this situation is a shit show.

GetOffTheRoof · 02/10/2022 20:24

You need to keep records. All his texts, voice mails, emails, anything at all he sends to you.

Any time he's shouting etc outside the house write down the times, what he said and how long it lasted. Name any witnesses. Keep a notebook or a set of notes on your. Make sure he doesn't see it.

This is beyond poor parenting by him, it's abuse and harrassment of you and your children. There's a huge difference between reasonable access to the kids and his abuse when he doesn't get to see them because they are at a club or a friends house.

I agree with PP that it's time to look into an occupation order and possibly a non-molestation order.

www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence This is a useful resource for your next steps.

AnneElliott · 02/10/2022 20:35

If you don't feel you can change the locks can you add a deadbolt on the front door that you can shut when you're at home?

As you could pass that off as a security measure as you're a woman in your own at night with kids. That's what my friend did. It doesn't stop him coming in when you're not in but it would mean he can't just waltz in and take you by surprise.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 02/10/2022 20:35

GetOffTheRoof · 02/10/2022 20:24

You need to keep records. All his texts, voice mails, emails, anything at all he sends to you.

Any time he's shouting etc outside the house write down the times, what he said and how long it lasted. Name any witnesses. Keep a notebook or a set of notes on your. Make sure he doesn't see it.

This is beyond poor parenting by him, it's abuse and harrassment of you and your children. There's a huge difference between reasonable access to the kids and his abuse when he doesn't get to see them because they are at a club or a friends house.

I agree with PP that it's time to look into an occupation order and possibly a non-molestation order.

www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence This is a useful resource for your next steps.

Thank you @GetOffTheRoof that is really helpful. I bought a pocket diary just last week so that I can start writing things down each day they happen and I have saved and printed copies of texts, WhatsApp messages and emails.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 02/10/2022 20:36

AnneElliott · 02/10/2022 20:35

If you don't feel you can change the locks can you add a deadbolt on the front door that you can shut when you're at home?

As you could pass that off as a security measure as you're a woman in your own at night with kids. That's what my friend did. It doesn't stop him coming in when you're not in but it would mean he can't just waltz in and take you by surprise.

That's a great idea, thank you for the suggestion. I hadn't thought of adding a bolt or chain to the door

OP posts: