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Original poster

EOW arrangements / travelling for the drop off

35 replies

Anyfeckinusername · 08/07/2022 00:02

I’ve posted before about my dealings with the father of my dc (CMS related).

He has now updated me today that he’s taking a job 2.5/3 hr drive away from here. we located to here because of his jobs originally. It’s taken me a long time to make roots, I haven’t entirely settled but now he’s moving away and I’m realising the impact this will have on the child arrangements.

His new location is a pretty intense motorway drive away on a heavy congested route and I am loathe to do this every second weekend. It doesn’t feel safe - the kids can drive me mad on long car journeys and I hate it with them on motorways. The drop off will now take five or six hours round trip off either end of my weekend which is exhausting (and I’m working full time and exhausted already!) plus a full tank of diesel if not more, at £92 a pop.

I can’t believe I have to foot a diesel bill of his making, his ineptness (can’t keep a job), his ridiculousness (taking a job so far away).

any suggestions on alternative shared arrangements that can work and be less stressful for all the family? We have no child arrangements formally agreed, nothing lodged with the Courts. My two little kids will not be happy stuck in a car for about three hours on a Friday and Sunday every other weekend and I feel sad at the thought of this on a Friday evening, in the winter months… and missing their weekend clubs that they love etc. I don’t want this to be their new life. I remained here after we split so the co parenting could be easier and the impact on the kids was minimised - and now he hoofs off.

any suggestions please or experiences of similar? (I know this isn’t unique by any means!) I am feeling a bit weary about it all. Thank you x

OP posts:
420Bruh · 08/07/2022 00:05

He moved. He collects. He drops off. If he only has them EOW he can take on this tiny part of parenting.

OhamIreally · 08/07/2022 06:00

420Bruh · 08/07/2022 00:05

He moved. He collects. He drops off. If he only has them EOW he can take on this tiny part of parenting.

Yep this.

MintJulia · 08/07/2022 06:13

Don't do it. He's chosen to move away, so it's his problem.

The job market is buoyant. No one NEEDS to work that far away. He either knows you will do it and is taking advantage of that, or he doesn't give a hoot about his own dcs.

Say no.

Grannyoftheyear · 08/07/2022 06:15

I’d start off by telling him he needs to do the travelling as he decided to move.

lonelydad2022 · 08/07/2022 06:31

He moved. He has to do the travelling.

Logoplanter · 08/07/2022 06:33

Ask him what his plans are for contact. Tell him once he's decided you'll sit down and tell the kids together. Don't offer to collect/drop off and when he raises it just point out you can't afford it/can't do it. Suggest longer holiday contact as an alternative and make him aware the children are available for him to see but he needs to facilitate it.

Could he afford to come up and stay overnight where you are and have the children? Then the arrangements can stay as they are.

I suspect if the travel burden solely falls on him regular contact will end up being less often but longer holiday contact. Also video calls. All of which still provide the children with a good relationship with him.

KatherineJaneway · 08/07/2022 06:34

420Bruh · 08/07/2022 00:05

He moved. He collects. He drops off. If he only has them EOW he can take on this tiny part of parenting.

Totally

toomuchlaundry · 08/07/2022 06:42

How old are your DC?

Original poster
Anyfeckinusername · 08/07/2022 09:28

Morning - thanks for your replies.

I had thought about saying no to the travel and of course that’s one option but it still means the children spend a large chunk of EOW in the car and I know that makes them pretty miserable. It also means their swimming lessons no longer work on weekends and missing play dates and parties etc …

i am wrecking my head for an alternative - is it to suggest he gets them for longer on half terms or something - thing is he won’t have that flexibility …

this is so shit for the kids, their whole life is here

ages are two kids under 8.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 08/07/2022 09:31

I haven’t seen your other thread about CMS. How is he with seeing the children now?

Original poster
Anyfeckinusername · 08/07/2022 09:31

Logoplanter · 08/07/2022 06:33

Ask him what his plans are for contact. Tell him once he's decided you'll sit down and tell the kids together. Don't offer to collect/drop off and when he raises it just point out you can't afford it/can't do it. Suggest longer holiday contact as an alternative and make him aware the children are available for him to see but he needs to facilitate it.

Could he afford to come up and stay overnight where you are and have the children? Then the arrangements can stay as they are.

I suspect if the travel burden solely falls on him regular contact will end up being less often but longer holiday contact. Also video calls. All of which still provide the children with a good relationship with him.

Thanks for these suggestions - he won’t come up and do that as his job means he lives on site (livestock related)

im just feeling a bit sorry for the kids and to be totally honest myself too - i have been battling it out fo child support, CMS are helping but I have no option to reduce work to 4 days or anything as it’s all on me to being in the money, and that one weekend was a chance to rest. It’s very full on (as everyone in this sun group will know I’m sure and you don’t need me telling you!)!

OP posts:
audweb · 08/07/2022 09:36

Honestly this is on him to sort not you. I know that might that they don’t see him, but he’s the one making the choice to move away. If he wants to see them he needs to do the travelling - not do not start doing this, as the responsibility lies with him as the person that moved.

i get it, it’s exhausting, but this is not your responsibility to sort. Do you have friends and family that would allow you to have a day or a night off occasionally?

Original poster
Anyfeckinusername · 08/07/2022 09:59

audweb · 08/07/2022 09:36

Honestly this is on him to sort not you. I know that might that they don’t see him, but he’s the one making the choice to move away. If he wants to see them he needs to do the travelling - not do not start doing this, as the responsibility lies with him as the person that moved.

i get it, it’s exhausting, but this is not your responsibility to sort. Do you have friends and family that would allow you to have a day or a night off occasionally?

Yea you make a good point if I start doing the driving it’s harder to row back in it. Above all else I am not making myself even more tired than I already am. I just can’t take in any additional stresses.

a big factor in the whole problem is that I’m not from here, I’m living in the UK and moved here (he is English) to have the family here. The relationship broke down - and he refused me permission to return home which he is entitled to do and I need to challenge that in Court. So I live here for the sake of his access to the kids. That means I’ve no family whatsoever here.

now the bigger picture is I am actually going to court to seek permission to move back home, I began that process this year via a solicitor. I don’t feel any of this is tenable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anyfeckinusername · 08/07/2022 10:01

toomuchlaundry · 08/07/2022 09:31

I haven’t seen your other thread about CMS. How is he with seeing the children now?

Sorry in what regard - he is very shady about making payments and he continues to see them EOW.

OP posts:
audweb · 08/07/2022 10:59

Anyfeckinusername · 08/07/2022 09:59

Yea you make a good point if I start doing the driving it’s harder to row back in it. Above all else I am not making myself even more tired than I already am. I just can’t take in any additional stresses.

a big factor in the whole problem is that I’m not from here, I’m living in the UK and moved here (he is English) to have the family here. The relationship broke down - and he refused me permission to return home which he is entitled to do and I need to challenge that in Court. So I live here for the sake of his access to the kids. That means I’ve no family whatsoever here.

now the bigger picture is I am actually going to court to seek permission to move back home, I began that process this year via a solicitor. I don’t feel any of this is tenable.

Show quote history

Yes push forward with that plan. I understand - I live the other side of the country from family so I have no one nearby unless they are friends, and I am lucky in that at least family are in the same country.

I know how important down time is - but you won’t get a weekend of rest if you are stressed and exhausted from driving them there and back, and he’ll just expect you to do it. The fact that he’s just up and left surely supports your application to go live somewhere with proper support?

I feel for you, my ex moved away as well and didn’t understand why I considered it to be a bad thing for our kid. It’s so tough.

Original poster
Anyfeckinusername · 08/07/2022 11:08

audweb · 08/07/2022 10:59

Yes push forward with that plan. I understand - I live the other side of the country from family so I have no one nearby unless they are friends, and I am lucky in that at least family are in the same country.

I know how important down time is - but you won’t get a weekend of rest if you are stressed and exhausted from driving them there and back, and he’ll just expect you to do it. The fact that he’s just up and left surely supports your application to go live somewhere with proper support?

I feel for you, my ex moved away as well and didn’t understand why I considered it to be a bad thing for our kid. It’s so tough.

Show quote history

You get it. Thank you for your reply.

OK I’m definitely not doing the driving.

The court case could be 18 months in the making so this is a long-ish but possibly temporary problem. (That’s assuming in win! I might not). I’m taking nothing for granted.

OP posts:
OhamIreally · 12/07/2022 18:25

The fact that he has moved away should strengthen your case should it not?
It's a bit: you have to stay so I can see my kids but I'm free to move where I like".
Nothing would surprise me however considering how low the bar is for dads.
I think you're absolutely right to refuse to do the driving and your comment about not making yourself any more tired than you already are is spot on.
Several years of lone parenting can wreck your health and you have to draw a boundary that allows you to protect yourself.

PeekAtYou · 14/07/2022 20:58

Yanbu to think that 3 hours is hard for kids. Would it be 3 hours on Friday night rush hour traffic ?

When I split from my ex he lived 3 hours away for almost 6 months. My kids came home looking exhausted and ready to be sick from car travel and 2 of them started saying no to weekend travelling. It was a little easier when there was a bank holiday or he took an extra day off for half term but he moved 30 minutes away when he could see that it was not working. (Kids ranged from 12 to 5)

I'd be telling him to pick them up first thing Saturday morning tbh. If they sleep in the car then they are going to be awake all night, sleep in the car on the way back then you have the problem of them not sleeping on Sunday.

Would he consider coming for the day or at least taking 3 or 4 days every half term to make it easier on the kids?

Original poster
Anyfeckinusername · 15/07/2022 10:40

@PeekAtYou I’ve looked at it in more detail and in Friday evening traffic it’s more like a 3.5 - 4hr car journey so that is just not going to fly. You’ve described exactly what I was afraid of for the kids, exhausted, car sick and fed il and they will quickly start protesting (they already do). The protests start earlier in the week and momentum builds until collection day and that’s just for any deviation to the regular contact cadence, like three or four days with Dad over holiday time.

yea I’m thinking it would be much better for them to travel less and have longer visits, I’ll propose that but I’m nervous of how he will perceive it. I am sick of everything I suggest as been interpreted as me being difficult. It gets so exhausting. I can’t be arsed fighting for the sake of it - this is about the kids! Anyway rant over, sorry!

gaaah

many thanks for your reply 👍

OP posts:
Original poster
Anyfeckinusername · 15/07/2022 10:41

OhamIreally · 12/07/2022 18:25

The fact that he has moved away should strengthen your case should it not?
It's a bit: you have to stay so I can see my kids but I'm free to move where I like".
Nothing would surprise me however considering how low the bar is for dads.
I think you're absolutely right to refuse to do the driving and your comment about not making yourself any more tired than you already are is spot on.
Several years of lone parenting can wreck your health and you have to draw a boundary that allows you to protect yourself.

Amen to all of that! Couldn’t agree more!!

OP posts:
abblie · 15/07/2022 10:44

Nope wouldn't accommodate at all

Cameronnorrieisabitofalright · 15/07/2022 10:59

Trying to force your dc onto a failure of a df isn't in their interests imo.
If he wanted to see them he would.

Maybe accepting he isn't that bothered while they are young is ideal... Push more parties and fun times their way. . Was he really a good addition to their lives op?

Original poster
Anyfeckinusername · 15/07/2022 12:07

Cameronnorrieisabitofalright · 15/07/2022 10:59

Trying to force your dc onto a failure of a df isn't in their interests imo.
If he wanted to see them he would.

Maybe accepting he isn't that bothered while they are young is ideal... Push more parties and fun times their way. . Was he really a good addition to their lives op?

It’s the other way around. He will expect to see them EOW like nothing has changed. As a parent he can ask for this (or can he, this is why I asked on the line parents sub group specifically, for real experiences) and I don’t want to end up in court thrashing this out.

I’m not driving it, I’m trying to steer it and avoid more stress for everyone.

OP posts:
Cameronnorrieisabitofalright · 15/07/2022 12:33

Just remind him of your address and breezily tell him see him on x date at x time. Tell him you have sold your car and now have a bike.

Littleorangeflowers · 20/07/2022 19:23

I cannot imagine you have to do this?! Tell him no. Or you've now bought a bike lol ^^ seriously some people - yes I'm going to move HOURS away and the kids will have to travel. It's a no from me. Ffs. But I have no idea if a court can tell you to.