EOW arrangements / travelling for the drop off

[Anyfeckinusername]

I’ve posted before about my dealings with the father of my dc (CMS related).

He has now updated me today that he’s taking a job 2.5/3 hr drive away from here. we located to here because of his jobs originally. It’s taken me a long time to make roots, I haven’t entirely settled but now he’s moving away and I’m realising the impact this will have on the child arrangements.

His new location is a pretty intense motorway drive away on a heavy congested route and I am loathe to do this every second weekend. It doesn’t feel safe - the kids can drive me mad on long car journeys and I hate it with them on motorways. The drop off will now take five or six hours round trip off either end of my weekend which is exhausting (and I’m working full time and exhausted already!) plus a full tank of diesel if not more, at £92 a pop.

I can’t believe I have to foot a diesel bill of his making, his ineptness (can’t keep a job), his ridiculousness (taking a job so far away).

any suggestions on alternative shared arrangements that can work and be less stressful for all the family? We have no child arrangements formally agreed, nothing lodged with the Courts. My two little kids will not be happy stuck in a car for about three hours on a Friday and Sunday every other weekend and I feel sad at the thought of this on a Friday evening, in the winter months… and missing their weekend clubs that they love etc. I don’t want this to be their new life. I remained here after we split so the co parenting could be easier and the impact on the kids was minimised - and now he hoofs off.

any suggestions please or experiences of similar? (I know this isn’t unique by any means!) I am feeling a bit weary about it all. Thank you x

You don’t need to propose anything. He’s moving away, let him suggest things. Blithely assume he thought it all through before applying for a job so far away, let alone accepting it.

That length of time in a car twice a weekend is not ideal for young kids. He should be booking into a Travelodge and seeing them in the town that you live in so that weekend activities / parties can still carry on. Contact is for the children's benefit, not his.

When my XH moved a similar distance away, I allowed him to stay at mine on a Saturday night EOW so he could see the DC - it was an arrangement that worked(ish) for us.

He could also stay in an Air B&B for a night - it would save him some of the travel time (only going down once and back once instead of two return journeys EOW). I don't know where you are but there are rooms in my area for £25 per night.

I don't think moving the kids to his regularly is in their best interests

For reference in a situation where mum moved 5+ hours away, the judge ruled that we would have to split travel, and ruled regular visits on the train were in daughters best interests, she was 3 at the time for reference.

So take advice on here with a grain of salt because the whole thing about the person who moves, pays for travel is complete bullshit and the idea that the journey is not reasonable at her age and not in her best interests is also not my experience. I feel like there was at least a conversation about travel and the amount of time spent travelling and how many days to stay for visits etc, but for sharing travel it was immediately just shut down, no discussion, parents share travel.

Obviously that only holds true if it goes through to court.

I’d suggest one weekend a month. He picks up and drops off.

then he can have half of holidays. What does he expect moving that far away? He cannot reasonably expect the children to waste 6 hours every other week in the car, it’s completely unfair on them.

if you obtained a court order I highly doubt he’d get 2 weekends a month.

Im another one flagging that it will be likely split if it goes to court, even making you travel by train if you don’t have a car.
Courts don’t care about the impact of travel.

OP I’m so sorry you’re carrying so much. I just wanted to make you aware of Global Arkk if you’re not already - they are a charity that specialise in helping parents stuck abroad after relationship breakdown. The staff have been in your position, so they know first hand how it is. I found them incredibly helpful.

www.globalarrk.org

I did not know this site or charity existed. I've filled in their form and I'll make contact with them now. Thank you so much for sharing this. When you say you used them a lot - you've been through this? Did you go to court for permission? Would love to know your situation and outcome, if you wouldn't mind sharing. Thanks so much again.

Just a brief update -

Ex has ditched the job so that's all done with.

He was employed for 6 weeks but CMS didn't catch up with him in time. I received no payment. I was able to see his salary is 40k though (referenced in a claim letter)

He is living on couches and the local hotel (?!) for now and offering to take the kids at random times... but wouldn't take them this weekend (his "official" weekend if we were to go by the original list) and is taking them next weekend instead.

All the child arrangements and doing anything official (ie via court) are secondary to my main focus now - my leave to remove application.