Hi all. I have been thinking a lot about this recently too. dd is nearly three. I have mentioned her father vaguely in the past to her but he doesn't bother with her. He dumped me when I was pregnant.
In the last six months or so she has been showing some curiosity, probably due to seeing other kids' fathers at nursery and, I suppose, just a general increase in awareness in line with her age. Over Xmas, her questions became more insistant and persistant. For the last few weeks, she keeps asking about him and wants to see him. She even sometimes calls for him when she is upset and wants him instead of me (but she has never known him!) I have tried to low-react. She can't know that her expectations are unrealistic but it is heartbreaking to see that she is already beginning to idolise this absent father who doesn't care about her.
I have ended up saying that I will write to him, which I will eventually by email, I'm putting it off. Just over a year ago he wrote asking about her but nothing happened. I sent photos of her before Xmas and he said 'thanks', nothing more. I am convinced that he is waiting for the whole scenario to play out, i.e., that she asks about him, I ask him to see her, he messes me around, she gets hurt, this hurts me, she blames me, this hurts me, he gets his revenge for my refusal to use a termination as belated contraception (the pregnancy was planned by both of us but he changed his mind).
He will play us along at various times in her childhood so she will probably get hurt over and over again, gradually damaged. A bit melodramatic, I know. But I've read what some of the rest of you have been through and he was abusive to me, and he doesn't seem to care about her, so I feel confident in expecting the worst.
But there's always a tiny seed of hope there, isn't there? You can't help it - perhaps he's changed, surely he won't hurt an innocent child, his own flesh and blood? What would it cost him to make her happy. Doesn't he realise what he's missing out on?
But he's got no empathy or compassion and if he was the kind of man who would make a good father and the best of a bad situation, I wouldn't be writing this post.
A friend has told me not to write to him, to protect my dd from the hurt and disappointment, to let sleeping lions lie. But dd won't let it go. Isn't it my duty to represent her and convey her message to him, even though I believe it will lead to frustration, disappointment and hurt. If you don't represent your child's wishes, you could be blamed for this in the future. If you do, then you are opening the way for further hurt.
There is no answer except to play it out. A friend of mine was telling me about an absent father who finally agreed to see his daughter when he was dying and wanted to start a relationship then (due to guilt, I suppose). Maybe it gave them both some 'closure' but, to my mind, it's too little too late, pathetic.