OMG, he makes me so ANGRY!!!!!

[chickenmama]

Rant warning - I need to get this out and have no where else to go right now!

I just called my dd's father as after a couple of emails asking him about contact he's stopped responding. He is incapable of having a conversation without going back to what happened in the past (and it's usually how HE THINKS it happened and not how it really did!) I know I was stupid to call but I wanted to know what's up with him as my dd keeps saying daddy and he hasn't given me any definite answers about anything so I have no idea what to say to her.

His answer was he'll call as and when 'he's ready' (WTF?!?!). I told him no he won't as it's not fair on her and he needs to be consistant (how many times have I said that?!) It was a pointless convo and all it did was make me angry... especially as the whole time my dd was in the room making lots of noise and he didnt once mention her, ask about her or want to speak to her!!!! And I have no idea if he's going to be contacting her or sending any more maintenance money either.

I wish I could be like him and just forget the b**rd but I worry how that might affect dd later on... tho me making the decision to cut all ties might be better than having him come in and out her life when he feels like it.

Urgh, I wish I'd never called!!

"He is incapable of having a conversation without going back to what happened in the past (and it's usually how HE THINKS it happened and not how it really did!)"

i know exactly what you mean, having just received yet another email going on about how i ruined his life and it should be me in his situation, not him

Your DD won't miss such an arsehole inconsistant person. Stop mentioning him to DD, don't let her know if X is supposed to come around that way she won't be disapointed when he doesn't. She will actually plonk him in the 'occasional' part of her life, it is us mothers who put so much emphasis on the 'daddy' aspect. Forcing a bloke to see his children does not make for a happy relationship between father and child.
Tell X that if he does not arrive within 1 hour of an agreed time you will not be in as you have things to do. Do not rely on him being there so that you can have appointments without DC (a tactic usually used by X to disrupt your life).
There may be studies to show that there may be harm to your daughter, there is also harm in being in a situation where she knows that men are not to be relied on.
All I can say is that if a father does not want contact with a child, let him go. But if a father really wants to have contact and is consistant and loving then be glad.

discoverlife - you speak a lot of sense.

I have very little communication with xp. The only reason I have contacted him recently (first time in a year) is that dd is asking for him and also that he has suggested he would like contact at times in the past. It's this ambivalence that is so confusing. She is still only two so I have thought that things might change when she was out of nappies and able to talk. He might be more interested in her then.

Having said that, even if something positive happened, from the way he treated me, I would expect him to be unreliable and inconsistant with dd too, and possibly to hurt her.

It is just heart-wrenching when she keeps asking for him and trying to come up with possible reasons why he isn't here: 'he's cross', 'he's naughty', 'he's silly', 'he doesn't like me', 'is he at work?', 'is he on his boat?'. This last one is because she asked where he is and I told her a long way away by the sea. She now seems to think that he is Iggle-Piggle from In The Night Garden!

You can't force a bloke to see his child. Full stop. She will be damaged a bit by his lack of interest. She would most likely be damaged by him if he did show an interest. We just have to go with the flow and deal with the process as it unfolds. It just seems so unnecessary to me as it would cost him very little to just be nice to her from time to time.

skyatnight, our situations and xp's seem so similar. So sorry your dd is hurting right now. I guess all we can do is keep doing our best and remember that we aren't alone in this. My dd's father lives abroad and the 'is he on his boat' comment really hit home, I'm wondering what my dd might ask when she gets a bit older.

Like discoverlife said, I have decided to stop mentioning dd's father and I'm so glad - imagine if she was slightly older and I'd told her he was going to call her, and then he didn't

As for the studies into the effects of having an absent father, I'm hoping having a lovely grandad and 3 fab uncles will make up for the fact her father isn't around

Thanks Chickenmama. I try not to mention him or the 'D*ddy' word but she is old enough and clever enough to work out that her friends at nursery have fathers and she doesn't. So it is mainly coming from her. I have explained that there are different types of families but I made the mistake of showing her a photo of him so I am to blame partly for her current interest in him.

I feel it is wrong to pretend he doesn't exist or to ignore her queries. I don't want her to feel that she can't ask about him so that it becomes a difficult secret. But I can also see that if I encourage her in any way, I am in danger of building him up as some fantasy figure. It's a fine line. I don't want to mess her head up.

Sadly, my father died and my brother doesn't live near us so she doesn't have much in the way of male role models. You are lucky to have some good male relatives.

I have accepted the situation. A single father I know asked me out a while back and he would have made a good role model for dd but I couldn't face dating at the time and it would be wrong to date just for the sake of supplying her with a father figure. Probably would go wrong anyway. Maybe in the future when I've got my act together a bit more and actually want some male company for myself.

I've done my best for now. Hopefully, her interest in him will blow over soon, for the time being, and we can get back to enjoying our lives.

Re. your ex living abroad and my ex living several hours away: Maybe this will help in the long term. It is, after all, a valid reason why they can't really be in our dd's lives. It might help them to accept things. It could be harder if they lived just down the road and showed no interest?

I suppose we should be glad that we haven't got interfering, harassing exes in our lives.