Shaking… just took massively abusive call from Ex

[Anyfeckinusername]

I’m stunned. I’ve posted in here before about using CMS, who are in fairness doing more for me than he has done since he stopped making any child payments almost four years ago (split up 5 years ago).

He just phoned shouting “you’ve set the law on me!” I had no idea what he was on about… my heart is racing like mad sorry I can’t calm it…

CMS have obviously been on to him, or else he discovered that his missed CMS payments are now moved to Collect and Pay. He has lost his job (after a probation period) but stopped payments before that (he has made one late payment in total) and two are overdue.

I actually called CMS and told them he was out of work again, but they said he needed to notify them himself…

he was hollering at me that his employer was taking the money off him and I was to give it back to him!!! Ranting away.

I can’t bear these fights, I said something like how is it my fault he doesn’t make payments?? Then I put the phone down.

he called back but I cancelled it.

sorry I’m a sick of this. I didn’t ask for child maintenance while he was trying to get his own business going for three years (more the fool me) but once he became an employee I asked him for support, got a “no”, so I went to CMS.

Sorry, rambling now.

God I hate him. And the effort of pretending to our little children that we get on just fine while he financially abuses me.

Sorry you had this happen, it’s just awful isn’t it.

im doing a watch and wait right now… we have several interactions with the kids through school events this week, it’s going to be tense but I am acting immediately if there any grief from him.

the police were happy for me to block my ex’s number…

Hope you're ok, OP.

I only communicate in writing with my ex, for the same reason.

I have told him he won't get replies to emails which involve name-calling, nastiness etc.

I just tell DC that dad & I don't get on & are not friends - I'm not going to lie or keep up a facade for them.

Take a 48hr break from him at least before even considering whether to reply.

I can’t tell you how much this has calmed me!!! Feeling a lot more grounded in my own opinion of it rather than his now, if that makes sense.

your thought process is just epic!!! Yes, I have been “hearing” what he has been spouting for so long (poke me at your peril, is basically his ongoing message, and somehow it has got inside my head) but in fact, this IS the tables turned finally, right now, and he’s just a giant idiot kicking off!

Thank you so much!

Message him back "Please stop harassing me or I will report you to the police." Then follow through.

Oh lovely, you haven't done anything wrong.

Can you tell him you will only communicate via emails and anything threatening and / or abusive will not be acknowledged?

Keep a copy of all and every communication from him, all the missed calls and call the Police if you need to. They will be on your side

I agree with screenshooting all the missed calls.

Set up a new email account - something like "anyfeckinchildren@....."

Send an email to him from this account stating very clearly

"Due to your threats at x time when I answered the call and the continued harassment via continuous calls - all communication re the children will now go through this email only. You will be unable to communicate with me another way. Any further harassment or threats will be immediately reported to the police. I wish to continue co parenting for the sake of the children but abusing me is not acceptable and I'm putting an end to the channels of communication that you choose to do this through. I will not reply to any abusive emails you send via this address."

Clearly we know that will anger him further but that's his problem.

You've laid out your situation clearly and it's the start of evidence for when you need it.

Op it's shit really shit. Youve hit a nerve though and he doesn't like that . Keep calm and keep a record of it all. My exes favourite thing to do was threatening me with ss! Like that was some big deal. I'm still a psycho ex though 🤔. The things they say about you and think they can get away with saying to you are unbelievable. The entitlement of them I will never understand. Put the kettle on and watch it all unravel from beneath him the prick. It might take a while but when it happens and people see him for what he is it will be spectacular.

😂 my ex reported me to social services. They phoned me and said “he says you’re not picking up the phone”.

me ; “aye, not to him no”

them : “ok no problem, have a nice evening”

@Anyfeckinusername it was awful but to give you some hope, I'm 7 years down the line. Things are ok. I will never respect or trust him but he's not at war with me now. He's got other people to fill that drama. My ds is happy and secure. He takes his Dad as he is on face value. They get on ok. My son is v close to me and we have a great relationship with a lot of calm and security in our space with nobody else in it!

Hope you will get there too. It is hard to picture a happy future when you are in the eye of the storm. Bit by bit, it reveals itself.

Look after yourself. Reach out for help. Make sure people around you know the situation. I used to tell neighbours if he'd threatened me just in case. It was good to have people around.

I think you need to email him back and tell him to stop contacting you as you consider it harrasment and will go to the police, this is something my solicitor suggested when my ex was doing the same. Keep a diary of all the times he called, texts etc etc. Them if he continues after the message to him, go to the police.

Thanks everyone.

Quick update -

he called to my house an apologised, but it didn’t go well…

in his “apology”, he said there is a ‘misunderstanding’ between HMRC and CMS, because it turns out he’s actually still employed but his contract is due to end in a few months! He was lying to me about being unemployed!!!!

he said it’s because he wants to save money (by not paying for his kids) for “when” it ends…

and yet three days previously he was lamenting how he was unemployed, playing for a sympathy vote and asking me not to expect any money from him, as he was having such bad luck! I just said nothing at the time.

The man would tell you black was white and and then orange. He can’t be trusted.

I decided a long whole back to not engage in any of this and just let CMS do their job, which they actually are, and his lies are being uncovered.

thank you all so much for your support and for calming me down immediately yesterday, it was a huge help to me xxx

So sorry you ha w this experience. My ex was the same he hated that I took his last bit of control away and went to CMS. He still messed them around. Changed jobs. Moved etc

I remember the angry phone calls and messages. See it for what it is. A toddlers tantrum.

You just need to keep sending him back to the CMS. They are taking too much Money. Your answer. Talk to the CMS. They have it all wrong. Answer you need to talk to the CMS. Etc.

What an absolute shit he is. I suspect he hasn't lost his job 'in a few months'. That's all bollocks. He thought he could string you along by lying and now he's livid because the cms will keep taking direct as long as he's there. So he can't get out of it and isn't as clever as he thought.

Keep repeating that the cms deal with it now so no need for him to contact you about maintenance at all.
The cms deal with his lies a

And misunderstandings. Not you. Get an email account for contact with him.
Do it.

This

Don't wait for him to turn up. Call them and tell them he is causing you fear and alarm