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Original poster

Shaking… just took massively abusive call from Ex

42 replies

Anyfeckinusername · 23/05/2022 12:10

I’m stunned. I’ve posted in here before about using CMS, who are in fairness doing more for me than he has done since he stopped making any child payments almost four years ago (split up 5 years ago).

He just phoned shouting “you’ve set the law on me!” I had no idea what he was on about… my heart is racing like mad sorry I can’t calm it…

CMS have obviously been on to him, or else he discovered that his missed CMS payments are now moved to Collect and Pay. He has lost his job (after a probation period) but stopped payments before that (he has made one late payment in total) and two are overdue.

I actually called CMS and told them he was out of work again, but they said he needed to notify them himself…

he was hollering at me that his employer was taking the money off him and I was to give it back to him!!! Ranting away.

I can’t bear these fights, I said something like how is it my fault he doesn’t make payments?? Then I put the phone down.

he called back but I cancelled it.

sorry I’m a sick of this. I didn’t ask for child maintenance while he was trying to get his own business going for three years (more the fool me) but once he became an employee I asked him for support, got a “no”, so I went to CMS.

Sorry, rambling now.

God I hate him. And the effort of pretending to our little children that we get on just fine while he financially abuses me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anyfeckinusername · 23/05/2022 12:12

Four more calls from him…

OP posts:
RaspberryChouxBuns · 23/05/2022 12:12

Don't take any more calls from him.

Mischance · 23/05/2022 12:13

Deep breaths! - you have done nothing wrong - and in fact have been over-generous when he was setting up his business. Of course he is pissed off - he is being forced to do the decent thing and support his children. That is his problem, not yours.

Do some relaxation - don't let him get to you.

TabithaTittlemouse · 23/05/2022 12:15

Block his number

Original poster
Anyfeckinusername · 23/05/2022 12:20

thanks

sorry I’m tough as old boots normally but I’ve just burst into tears.

he won’t stop phoning and now I have two texts demanding an explanation and a threat.

he will come at me with all his wrath in regard to co parenting now.

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yesthatisdrizzle · 23/05/2022 12:22

Perhaps it is now time to call the police and tell them that he is threatening you.

Finalcountdowntoourtripaway · 23/05/2022 12:24

You need a paper trail. Report him to the police. He can't harass you because he is expected to provide for his dc.

Start keeping a diary of his abuse op.

Herbyhippo · 23/05/2022 12:24

I wouldn’t block as you want to see the texts. What is the threat that he has made? It is regarding your safety? If so call the police immediately then follow all their advice - even if this means they visit him.

Original poster
Anyfeckinusername · 23/05/2022 12:25

TabithaTittlemouse · 23/05/2022 12:15

Block his number

Don’t think I can realistically given he is their parent. I’ll mute him. Now he’s ringing my work phone

he just frightens me - and angers me - who the actual fuck does he think he is.

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Northernlurker · 23/05/2022 12:25

Report his threat. Get somebody round to support you, a friend or relative, have a big cup of tea and repeat to yourself 'children have rights, parents have responsibilities'

It's not down to you that he's a shit father. He needs to grow up and support his kids. Like you do.

Don't answer the calls and if he comes round don't let him in and call 999 immediately.

Original poster
Anyfeckinusername · 23/05/2022 12:26

yesthatisdrizzle · 23/05/2022 12:22

Perhaps it is now time to call the police and tell them that he is threatening you.

if he turns up here I will call the police. Thank you. I actually needed to hear that.

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RedPlumbob · 23/05/2022 12:27

Hes an abusive arse that deserves to have his wages garnished. The payroll staff will now know what a deadbeat he is. CMS are able to take a rather large chunk of wages to cover the current months payment, plus any debt, plus their charges on top.

Boo fucking hoo.

Do not give him a penny back. Don’t answer the phone. Let him rant via texts and back it all up.

TheAverageUser · 23/05/2022 12:28

That sounds horrible, I hope you're alright. You've probably had a massive adrenaline dump.

I would keep/ store all the communication from him in case you need it in future.

TooTiredToSleepRightNow · 23/05/2022 12:30

Sorry you’re going through this. Like others have mentioned keep a paper trail so let the police know, save any text messages and I’m not sure if you can record the calls too. I would personally record them.

Original poster
Anyfeckinusername · 23/05/2022 12:30

Northernlurker · 23/05/2022 12:25

Report his threat. Get somebody round to support you, a friend or relative, have a big cup of tea and repeat to yourself 'children have rights, parents have responsibilities'

It's not down to you that he's a shit father. He needs to grow up and support his kids. Like you do.

Don't answer the calls and if he comes round don't let him in and call 999 immediately.

Thank you, yes I will.

sorry, really needed to hear that. Yes that is what I will do.

I appreciate you taking the time to post that.

my teeth are chattering he has read frightens me.

his threat will sound benign but it is menacing, along the lines of my life will go downhill very very soon

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northerncrumpet · 23/05/2022 12:31

so sorry you're having to put up with this, and huge sympathy for having to pretend to the kids that all is fine and dandy...I have to do that too and the stress of it is awful. Similarly, anything I do that he doesn't like results in aggro in co-parenting, mostly passive-aggressive or sometimes just aggressive aggressive.

you aren't asking anything unreasonable and CMS will tell him that - just keep repeating that he needs to talk to them as it's out of your hands (which it is) and he can rant at them, they're used to it, they get paid for it, and are well-versed in dealing with abusive men trying to short-change their ex wife and kids.

i have found moving everything onto text messages helps (not WhatsApp because that can be edited) so you have records of all "conversations" plus you don't have to actually listen to it; it's not 100% effective as you do still have to read them, but at least it can be at a time of your choosing.

TooTiredToSleepRightNow · 23/05/2022 12:32

I wouldn’t wait for him to visit you to call the police, tell the police now about his phone calls

Newestname002 · 23/05/2022 12:34

@Anyfeckinusername

Don’t think I can realistically given he is their parent. I’ll mute him. Now he’s ringing my work phone

Block him on everything except your personal email and tell him you will only answer via your email account and then only in connection with your children. This will also help you set up an audit trail which you May need further down the line (eg for police/court).

In fact make up a separate email account just for him, and mark any emails coming into your current personal email account or work email account as Junk.

Speak to the police, tell them you are being harassed, and see how they can help. 🌹

northerncrumpet · 23/05/2022 12:36

dont wait for him to turn up @Anyfeckinusername , you can ask the police to put a marker on your phone no's (the ones you'd likely use in an emergency) to say he is abusive and has threatened you...then if you need to call them they know straight away that there is a problem and your support will be prioritised.

I have done this with my local station and they couldn't have been more helpful and understanding; it means that if he turns up and kicks off you just have to dial them and they'll come, no need to explain much about what's happening...

sleepymum50 · 23/05/2022 12:36

Can you reframe this. It’s something I’ve been trying to do when something upsets me.

His outrage shows that you’ve hit the spot, and he really knows there’s fuck all he can do legally. So he’s now trying to stop it by abusing you and hoping he can bully you into stopping it.

It may be this is familiar behaviour from him which is why you’ve left him.

Think of all the times when you were powerless, and realise this is how he is now feeling. You can choose whether you feel happy about it, or even feel a bit sorry for him.

This behaviour is nothing more than a screaming, ranting toddler who can’t have his own way.

smile serenely to yourself and indulge in shadenfraude (not sure of spelling - pleasure in someone else’s misfortune)

TabithaTittlemouse · 23/05/2022 12:39

That fact that he frightens you is even more reason to block him. Agree with pp set up an email purely for contact regarding your child.

Tothepoint99 · 23/05/2022 12:41

Block him everywhere

ConfusedNoMore · 23/05/2022 12:44

I'm sorry you are going through this. I ahvr been there with the blinds down and my heart pounding, waiting for ex to bang on the door after ranting and raving.

It is harassment. You can go to the police. Screenshot all the texts. Record your phone calls. Get a separate phone for contact only and inform him that you will only answer his calls during contact time. All other communication should be email only as he cannot be civil. Block him on all other numbers.

Do report it though.

Northernlurker · 23/05/2022 12:51

A threat is a threat. It doesn't matter what specifically he says. His intention is to make a threat to menace you in to compliance with his wishes. That's not going to be permitted.

Original poster
Anyfeckinusername · 23/05/2022 12:57

Thank you everyone for replying to me. You are all very kind. As a PP said I think I’ve had some enormous adrenaline dump.

and @sleepymum50 snd @northerncrumpet you’re both spot on… I am anticipating the incoming passive-aggressive/aggressive-aggressive because that’s what he did in the past, I felt utterly powerless and channelled so much energy into “how to speak to him without upsetting him” efforts, until I left him. Nothing was ever going to work, it wasn’t my lack of communication that led to us breaking up it was his cheating, coldness and financial abuse!!!

I didn’t pursue maintenance for the children not out of generosity toward him but out of fear of the recriminations in a “don’t poke the bear” mentality.

I’ve totally outgrown that thinking and in fact CMS is a good cloak to hide behind in a way, it’s been very empowering. although today he has unnerved me badly.

but the fear has kind of popped now.

thanks so much again for all the replies xxxx

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