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Original poster

Do I have to meet him half way when ds goes to his house?

38 replies

benbenandme · 12/01/2008 10:53

Ex left us 2.5 years ago and on the day he left he said to me "I know you'll move back to ..." (the place where I grew up and always wanted to go back to).

He was right and me and ds moved back here 6 months ago. When he left he moved 30 miles away to move in with gf and then 6 months later they moved about 3 miles away from me {shock} We had a conversation about what would happen after I moved and he said he would pay £400 a month (csa say he has to pay £280) as he thought that was a realistic amount towards bringing up ds. In return I agreed to meet him halfway with the travelling.

However, a month later he decided I didn't "deserve" the extra money (its not for me its for ds!!!), and pays me the £280 the csa says.

So, for 6 months we have been here and we are settled and happy. Today when he collected ds for his weekend he said he wants me to start meeting him halfway as the driving is too much for him. I politely said that I had offered to do that in return for his offer of extra maintenance. As he had changed his mind on the deal I too was doing the same. He got moody and said I have to do it and if I dont they can take the petrol costs out of my maintenance money (???) and he'll check with his solicitor blah blah blah ... So ... does anyone know if I do have to do it?? We weren't married and he doesn't have parental responsibility. Thanks in advance!!

OP posts:
Original poster
benbenandme · 12/01/2008 10:53

Oops forgot to mention he curently lives 100 miles away from us

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 12/01/2008 10:55

Sorry, have I read this right, he lives 3 miles away and wants you to drive halfway???

Lizzylou · 12/01/2008 10:56

LOL, xposts!

colditz · 12/01/2008 11:01

Why on Earth would they take the petrol costs out of your maintenance money? I don't think so, somehow

Why do absent fathers treat the mother of their children as the enabler of the relationship? he makes a choice to travel 100 miles, nobody is making him.

Frizbe · 12/01/2008 11:05

you don't have to do it as far as I'm aware, but I think from a personal point of view it would be nice to try to at least some of the time. I'm a stepmum myself and ss lives 60 miles away from us and dh or I have always done the picking up and dropping off and sometimes I have to say I wish his mum or stepdad would do the drive even if its just one weekend out of four or somthing like that. In fact in the six years I've known his dad his mum has met us halfway twice and dropped him here once on her way back from somewhere It does cost a bomb in petrol these days too.

Frizbe · 12/01/2008 11:06

Colditz its not always absent fathers you know!

Original poster
benbenandme · 12/01/2008 11:08

I didnt think he was right about the maintenance bit but I think I have heard before that some people have had to share the driving?? Maybe I'm being selfish but he chose to walk out without any warning and he has done nothing to support me or help me deal with any of it, if ever I have asked for help on anything he hasn't wanted to know. He chose this situation and I dont see why I should help him out ?? He knew it was a very real possibility that I would move away when he chose to leave so he should have thought about the consequences and the reality of it??

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 12/01/2008 11:09

Under the pre 2003 system which I think some people are still on with the CSA - "2. Contact costs. If regular contact is taking place you can apply for a departure [ from the normal rules] to compensate for the costs of travel. This can consist of the cost of bus and train fares, air fares, petrol and taxi fares together with any road or bridge tolls."

You certainly don't have to drive him half way. Anyway your ex could move near you although I think it says you were the one originally who moved away so morally perhaps both of you are responsible for the distance. Perhaps he could have the child more or for longer which might help you too.

Original poster
benbenandme · 12/01/2008 11:13

Xenia, we have only been dealing with the csa for about 12 months so am guessing this doesn't apply??

I do agree I am the one who moved away and
therefore maybe I am responsible partly, but (even though I wanted to move) ultimately I would have had to move as we lived near London and he stopped paying his half of the mortgage and there was no way I could afford to continue living there anyway.

OP posts:
justabouttosplashoutinthesales · 12/01/2008 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

colditz · 12/01/2008 11:20

I've never met an absent mother who whines about the petrol it costs to have contact with their children, but I concede the point, it isn't just absent fathers.

singledadofthree · 12/01/2008 11:28

benben

xenia mentioned the 'departure' allowance that your ex can claim from the state - it isnt taken from your income in any way and doesnt affect it. it is really hard to get hold of tho - i have a mate who travels 300 miles per weekend in 4 trips for staying over contact and they wont let him have a penny!! its averaged and as he only does it every 2 weeks he isnt seen as travelling enough.

and no, you dont have to do any of the travelling either - is seen as the absent parents responsibility, altho he may well not agree.

Tinkerbel6 · 12/01/2008 11:30

you arent obliged to meet half way, it depends on how often he has access whether you want to do it or not, what you have to think about is if you have problems with your car now and again how are you going to manage it ? he has no PR he cant make you do anything, although I do understand it would be tiring for him to do a 2 hour drive there and back, twice.

Surfermum · 12/01/2008 11:31

I don't think you HAVE to, but it might be nice to at least for some visits given the distance he has to travel. Maybe consider whether he is genuinely finding the journey both ways at the end of a working week very tiring?

DH used to drive hundreds of miles each week and then have to go and get dsd every other weekend, and I really used to worry about how tired he was when he was doing it. It might not be that unreasonable of him to be asking - but obviously I don't know his circumstances.

singledadofthree · 12/01/2008 11:31

hey colditz - i know an absent mother who used to whine about not having a pound spare to pay busfare to see her kids - best not say who tho.

Tinkerbel6 · 12/01/2008 11:37
Shock
mistressmiggins · 12/01/2008 18:58

I never meet my ex halfway.
Sorry but there we are.

I havent moved - he chose to move nearer his work which is about 3 hr drive away from us.
He now has a 10 min drive to work daily.
He could have chosen to move nearer to us so that his journey to pick up the kids was less but he chose having a lie in every day

so nuts to him. If he had chosen to live nearer so he had a longer drive to work I would view him as trying and meet him but he didnt.

I Have a longer drive to work than him as I cant afford to live in the town where I work. This means my DCs spend over an hour a day in pre/after school club while Im in the car driving

allgonebellyup · 12/01/2008 19:19

i do meet my ex half way a lot of the time, otherwise its a 120 mile round trip for him..

mistressmiggins · 12/01/2008 19:25

my ex has probably 200 mile round trip BUT like I said, he has chosen short trip every morning to living nearer to his children

brightwell · 12/01/2008 22:33

I used to meet ex 1/2 way, it's a 60 mile journy for him. I did this as a good will gesture. It was never satisfactory, he would turn up an hour late, he wouldn't phone to say he was running late so I would be sat in a deserted carpark waiting. When he decided he was going to reduce the maintanence I wrote to him and explained as a direct result of his actions I was no longer able to meet him 1/2 way. He didn't like it, but not anly does it save me fuel money it also saves me the travelling time, which means I can get on & do things at home...usually ironing, but it beats sitting waitng.

bonkerz · 12/01/2008 22:43

we meet DSD half way every week. She lives about 60 miles from us and before me and DH married he used to travel every week for an hour to pick her up and then an hour back. DSD mum then asked for more money but we couldnt afford that and to keep doing a 4 hour drive every weekend so we compromised and give more maintenance but only have half hour drive to meet up spot and she has same from her end. Works well for us. If we do a pick up from home then DSD mum picks up from us to share load.
I think its the only fair way to do it BUt also dont think you should be out of pocket. can you not do alternate weekend tavelling? he comes to you and you pick up??

mistressmiggins · 13/01/2008 09:52

my exH has company car AND company fuel.
If I had to drive half way, I KNOW he'd be late everytime and to be honest, I also feel it would be awful for the children (and me) handing over in a petrol station.
Coming to my house, means they are warm & fed when he picks them up (always late) and when they are dropped off, they are home.

Freckle · 13/01/2008 10:01

The problem is that, if you refuse totally, you may find that he picks up and then tells you to come and collect, refusing to do the return journey. In that case, you'd have no choice.

It might be sensible to reach some sort of compromise, in that you will drop ds off one weekend a month say or whatever you feel is feasible. What are your respective finances like? Would the extra travel costs impact on your budget? Does he have a well-paid job which would enable him to absorb the costs? These are the sort of things a court might consider.

allgonebellyup · 13/01/2008 10:35

i do handovers in busy petrol stations, its not fun, especially in the dark and with pouring rain.

Original poster
benbenandme · 13/01/2008 14:40

freckle ... I work part-time as a teaching assistant, he is a bank manager in London, so finance wise theres a huge difference between us!! He also has a company car whereas I just have a little tootling-round-in-second-hand type of car
I currently budget about £50-£60 a month for my petrol but if I had to meet him half way I reckon I wuld need to add an extra £40 a month to this?? I also agree I would absolutely hate to do the whold handover-in-a-car-park type thing, I think its sooo sad and would hate ds to look back on his childhood and remember all the waiting round in car parks for the handover
He is due back in a couple of hours so will see if he says anymore about it then

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