Do I have to meet him half way when ds goes to his house?

[benbenandme]

Ex left us 2.5 years ago and on the day he left he said to me "I know you'll move back to ..." (the place where I grew up and always wanted to go back to).

He was right and me and ds moved back here 6 months ago. When he left he moved 30 miles away to move in with gf and then 6 months later they moved about 3 miles away from me {shock} We had a conversation about what would happen after I moved and he said he would pay £400 a month (csa say he has to pay £280) as he thought that was a realistic amount towards bringing up ds. In return I agreed to meet him halfway with the travelling.

However, a month later he decided I didn't "deserve" the extra money (its not for me its for ds!!!), and pays me the £280 the csa says.

So, for 6 months we have been here and we are settled and happy. Today when he collected ds for his weekend he said he wants me to start meeting him halfway as the driving is too much for him. I politely said that I had offered to do that in return for his offer of extra maintenance. As he had changed his mind on the deal I too was doing the same. He got moody and said I have to do it and if I dont they can take the petrol costs out of my maintenance money (???) and he'll check with his solicitor blah blah blah ... So ... does anyone know if I do have to do it?? We weren't married and he doesn't have parental responsibility. Thanks in advance!!

sorry but I would tell him I cant afford the petrol compared with him AND you dont want DS to remember waiting in car parks for hand over like some object

I prefer the fact my DCs have 1 uninterupted journey knowing when they arrive its either daddys or my house.

He's just called me to say he spoke to the csa today and they have said that he can claim the petrol money out of my maintenance and I'll be about £50 a month worse off

I suggest that you speak to the CSA yourself. He might be telling a porkie on the assumption that you won't check it out.

Hmmn, sounds like a bluff to me. Why don't you phone. I've not seen anything on the CSA site to indicate you can take travel off.
You call and then say actually they say you owe me more!

The whole point about maintenance is that it is paid to maintain the child. I fail to see how his petrol expenses means that it costs less to maintain his child. I think he's telling a whopper and just expects you to accept it.

Just called them and spoke to the lady who spoke to him earlier .... she reckons I could lose about £13 a month slightly better than £50!!!

She also reckoned his estimates on his petrol costs were very high and he would need to provide proof of it first.

Given the choice between an extra £13 a month or ds spending half his weekends waiing round in car parks theres not much decision to be made is there!! So I just need to earn £13 a month on ebay and I'm fine!!!

I don't necessarily believe the csa said that.

However if true, it is still better than handing over in car parks and you having to keep your runaround in really good nick to make constant long journeys.

Wait til the csa contact you. Is the money collected by the csa ? - if not consider getting them to do it. If he hands you the cash (but readjusts it himself) you are perfectly free to go back and say the money is not what was determined to the csa.

My ex cites his 'expenses' in travelling to collect dd (for a week every two months, from 100 miles away) as one of the reasons he can't/won't pay maintainance.

His parents actually drive to fetch her and return her, sometimes taking days off work to do so.

But the CSA still get bogged down in deciding who to believe, and how much it costs as a percentage of his estimated earning, and so he gets the result he wants - more time before a Maintainance Order can be made.

x-posted, was responding to earlier

glad it all worked out

Something else to consider - is £280 all you get - sounds low if 15% of a London bank managers salary.

He makes big pension payments so they are taken out of his salary before the figure they work on iyswim

As he reminded me this week he does pay more than h has to anyway ..... the csa figure says he should pay £274 month and he pay me a whole extra £6 Woohoo !!!

I didn't know that - thought it was 15% of gross salary

well, you learn something new every day.

Wow, £6, hope you enjoy that half a manicure

tosser

What is wrong with these f**king men eh!

My ex is a high income earner yet he begrudges the maintenance he pays me, which barely covers the childcare and school lunches and has not increased it since 2006 and doubt he will.

He likes to look after the kids at my house, therefore using my heating etc.and in my space which I try to discourage but am loath to ban as it would end up not benefitting the DCs. Complained when there was no food there for them. Well I soon put him right on that one and he now reluctantly provides food for them.

Was talking about this to an older colleague who is divorced with two grown up boys and she told a similar tale.

They seem to be so selfish with their time and cash. What's it all about. I think it's about control and having everything on their terms.

mine has complained today about paying half the speech therapy bill
has asked for copies
he NEVER asks me or DS how hes getting on at speech therapy and has even told me he cant see the difference

good job everyone else who sees DS at school and home can see the difference - he obviously doesnt LISTEN to a word DS says when he stays at his house