will it ever be amicable????????????????

[LoneLou]

Me and my X split nearly 2 weeks ago now and boy has it been the longest 2 weeks of my life, ups amd downs.

At first I was shocked that he was walking out on me, then I was ok with him chit chatting, then I was begging him to come back, but now that has all changed, well for now at least. I'm getting feelings of hate when I think of him now.

We have a 5 yr old boy who is coping really well might I add. Problem is when I see x now I dislike him, thinking about the things he's done behind my back. I'm trying so hard to keep it amicable like just seeing x at the door when he drops son off, no texts or phone calls unless it's about ds. everytime I see x i get really angry inside and find it very hard to keep my big mouth shut for the sake of ds.

problem is will this get better or will I slowly become to hate him??? any exp lone parents out there

Have no experience of this, but just wanted to bump it for you.

Sorry for your troubles.

The jury's out on this for me.

My ex left me with our son with no warning whatsoever and I later found it all to be planned. The couple of times we did meet (days after she left) went well, considering. After that, she sent her parents to allow me to see our son for one hour a week in public.

In the couple of times I'd talked to my ex, I'd said to her that whatever happened, we needed to keep communicating - because as hard as it was, it would be a damn sight harder to do having gone through divorce and everything that goes with it.

I would certainly say she hates me; that is after a year of refusing virtually all contact with me. Being conciliatory, attempting mediation, doing my best to demonstrate to her that I bear her no malice or ill will has done nothing. She hates me with an intensity that shocks me.

Do I hate her? I don't think so? I am very, very disappointed with her that she cannot discuss any of this with me. If we hadn't had a child, I would happily never see, nor speak to her again.

But as we do...I'm not going away and we're probably going to know each other for at least the next 17 years, probably more. If I'm right about her being angry with me, I wish she'd do something about it. Never mind me...it doesn't help her and certainly doesn't help our son.

I'm nearly 3 years down the line after my x husband had an affair and I threw him out after the second time. LoneLou you are at the begining of a very difficult emotional roller coaster where every emotion will crash in on you. However knowing this - I think will help, if you know it's going to be tough it will help to get through it. Lost Dad my x was the same once I refused to lie down and die and started fighting back. He really hated me and we ended up going through court for both finances and the children. He lost both and and came off much worst for both. But with all these things there are no real winners. He's now on his own and just looks really miserable when ever I see him.
However, what I realised was the hate was a way of him dealing with the guilt by making me the baddie. I think it's called 'transference' and well known in psychology.
However, to end on an unbeat note. We now get on pretty well on the whole. The knives are now away and we even had a hug at Christmas. I now have a current squeeze and my children are settled and happy. So stick with it - it does get better.
Good luck
Mumski

Mumski - `However, what I realised was the hate was a way of him dealing with the guilt by making me the baddie. I think it's called 'transference' and well known in psychology.'

Bingo. I am the root of all evil in my ex's books. I'll admit to being far from perfect, but any problems she had (even before she left) she claimed were ultimately down to me.

I guess doing this means you're not responsible for anything you do or say - the other person is. And which means you don't need to do anything about them.

What would make me happier than anything would be for her to sort out any problems she has. I don't want or expect to hear what they are, her admitting her it's all her fault to me or anything like that. I just want us to get on with our lives and work together to raising our son as best we can.

yes i have seen this "transference" happen to my friend whose hubby left her for another woman - he treats HER as if she is the most dispicable person on the planet, has threaten to get someone to mow her down in their car!

Lou, i know EXACTLY how you feel, i am torn constantly between feeling of anger towards him and then these enormous feelings of wanting him back, i dream about me and him being together every night, i am almost becoming obsessed... yet when we were together i wouldnt give him the time of day!
my anger can spiral out of control and i can text and shout abuse at him for days on end. i just cant accept that he is never coming back. i dont know how i ever will??

then i cool down i think i cant live without him, he was the best thing i ever had and i threw it all away (he didnt have an affair,btw,he just got someone pregnant by "accident" straight after we split)

thats it exactly. My heart is broken but I still love him so very much, everyone obviously saying u should never take him back, although he has made it very clear he loves this other woman (after only 2 months)
I keep getting reminders of what we used to do etc... and then I get angry all over again coz I think 'we did that when u were seeing her' and it makes me sad. I also find it very hard to except that he's gotten over me so quick whilst I'm still at home pining (only sometimes mind u!) did the 7 years mean anything?????????? other than ds.

I just cannot accept it

i know, its so so hard. i really dont know what to say to help you as i am in the same boat, well 4months on, but it doesnt feel like it gets any easier yet.
You've got to remember its only TWO weeks since you split, thats absolutely no time at all to get over such a huge thing. You need a lot lot more time, as do i.

i guess you could focus on trying to dislike him, as he did do the dirty on you. (i wish i could do this but i cant, i stupidly TOLD him to leave, he was suicidal,then he met someone else after 2mths, so he would never have cheated on me- this makes it worse as i know he is a lovely guy)

Would you see a counsellor?
i did but didnt work for me. i am on ADs which help me a bit..

Lou - there is nothing anyone can do to make you feel better. Only time will help.

You say you find it hard to accept how quickly he got over you...in all reality he did that before he left (like my ex - she organised a new bank account, claimed benefits and visited a solicitor while I was at work). What I mean is that in all likelihood - he didn't get over you as quickly as it seems - he just did it before you expected.

I feel exactly as you do. I am still not sure if I don't love my ex despite all that she has said and done. On the other hand, if she were to contact me and say something like `It's all my fault - I'm sorry!' (not going to happen BTW, treat it as a hypothetical situation!' even if I were sure I loved her, I wouldn't want her back because I can never trust her again.

allgonebellyup - my ex said the same thing - she knew I'd never cheat on her and she knew I'd always stand by her...but it wasn't enough.

Lostdad, I'm sorry i sound a bit like your ex, yes i am the bad guy and my ex was a lovely man, but i would never ever stop him seeing the kids every weekend, and i have been apologising and begging for months now! He isnt coming back and that is that. He would never trust me now, not that i planned any of this, as your ex did.

Out of interest, how old are you Lou?

Lou, it is really hard, and you will start to feel like you are making progress and then something will happen to knock you right back down again. I am nearly 4 months into this (xh left me for woman he was seeing for a few months) and i know at 2 weeks i still couldn't eat or sleep.
My xh has also done this transference thing, although he is in the wrong it is all my fault
I am starting to find however, that instead of coping for the children's sake like i was in the beginning, i am now starting to cope for myself as well.
Just keep reminding yourself that it is not your fault, then you will find it easier to be the grown up when you're faced with your x.

allgonebellyup - no I meant about the transference thing....!

yes after 2 weeks i wasnt sleeping or eating and went down to size 6 in a fortnight..

You just need a lot of time to pass, thats what everyone keeps telling me.. although a lot of people expect me to be back to my usual cheery self by now(4mths on) and i suspect they think im moping..(my ex tells me to stop wallowing in self-pity!)

I've just turned 30 allgonebellyup.

Thanks everyone just need to air my views get everything off my chest so I don't argue with X.

oh yes i remember it was your birthday the next day after your thread, did it go ok?

Well no not really I saw X with the other woman whilst I was with ds, obviously I couldn't go over coz I was still angry and so wanted to get HER but ds was there so I kinda hid. But I mentioned to X about it incase ds said anything and u know what he said 'why didn't u bring ds over to say hello' (insensitive or what????????)

Another thing is point scoring. Me and ds had agreed to go to the park (money a bit tight an all) i've found out now that x is taking him bowling as weekend (something he has never done both x and ds) and now ds doesn't want to go park he says its boring how can I even try and compete with this or am I being paranoid (my heads a mess)

Lou - you need to accept that the way you are feeling skews your judgement. Can happen both ways - you could find youself being walked over or being unreasonable because you cannot judge things as you normally can. You may have problems making decisions, too. It's normal.

Regarding the point scoring...bearing in mind the above, try not to get involved even if you DO think he's playing silly s (which there is at least a chance of). That sort of thing can turn into a viscious circle and no one wins when that happens. Take the moral high ground and trust that given time everything will be clearer.

DontCallMeHun - I think my ex would be shocked about my indifference (most of the time anyway). I don't want to compete with her, make her feel rotten, play games with her or even want to be her friend really. It needs zen-like abilities sometimes though!

cheers everyone. I'm just gonna think carefully before I do anything, I'm finding at the minute I'm ringing my mum before even seeing or speaking to X to calm me down and think reasonably. I would never ever stop x from seeing ds ever !!

loneloue i feel the same as you, my xp walked out on me two months ago now and i really begged him to come back twice and he said no i love OW and thats that.

He sees DD but i hate him aswell, it does get better though i can promise you that, i can chat to him when hes sitting on my settee without argueing etc but i do miss what we had before i found out he was cheating on me.

He does have his days where he treats me like shit on his shoe and he sometimes cant even look at me, and i can see that thats what your xp is doing to you and it does hurt doesnt it

I have a 3 year old DD and a 6 month bump.
He did choose to leave and hasn`t looked back and i find that very hard to deal with as we was together 7 years.

I think things for us will get better, when i was 2 weeks in i was exactly like you are now

Lou, my ex has just come and taken the dc for the weekend, he looks so bloody fit when i see him i just want to rip all his clothes off..
he barely looks at me any more, it is just so horrible. i cant believe he is having a baby with someone else, i cant believe we are over forever.

Cried my eyes out when he left with the dc, not because of the kids, just cos i have to spend the next 18yrs looking at him every weekend and knowing he will never be mine again.