xp keeps changing access to suit him...(i am fuming)

[fransmom]

.. when it was his idea in the first place to have dd. how the hell am i supposed to be able to arrange things for dd when i never know for certian if he going to change or not.
he has changed access three times this week already, he has clearly shown himself o be unreliable and yet i can't block him from seeing her. i know i have to let things ride and try not to argue.

have not been through this before and am upset partly because he been a git and accusing me of having control issues and partly because it's getting to me.

when he picked up dd tonight, he was going back to garage and he said whne he dropped her off last night that he would phone and let me know when he would pick her up because of he car and garage thing (long story) he was due to pick her up at half 3, 4pm he still hand't turned up and htere weren't any messages waiting for me either. have phoned solicitor to book appt and am seeing her soon but i feel like i'm a tattle-tale what the hell do i do?i f'in hate him for making me feel this way what do i do?

sorry sghould have exlplained that original access arrangements were his idea and suited me so i agreed to them.

would appreciate some advice please

no real advice but you do have my sympathy.

thanks
sb????

anyone????????????????????????????
have to go and phone dd now but will keep watch on this thread via library pc - looooooong story
please keep bumped? tia. fm xxx

Why don't you meet him in a neutral place for a chat, without your dc and calmly set out to him that you want him in your dc's life on a regular basis BUT he is not allowed to just drop in and out of dcs life whenever he feels like, if this is all he is prepared to do then dc would be better off without any contact at all.

Trouble is if you say this you actually have to mean in and follow it through.

fransmom your having the same trouble as me and it also gets to me aswell, sorry no advice at all , so i`m going to watch this thread and hope someone comes along soon.

How old is your DD?

hello - first of all let me say that it is a rubbish situation to be in....were you married to exp? by that I mean does he have parental rights and responsibilities?

sorry to hear about your situation, I'm a dad and my daughter is my focus in life, so seeing this sort of selfish f*ckwit behaviour makes me really annoyed!

... first things first, suggest by letter that you both attend family mediation as there are issues relating to child arrangements that you both feel you could benefit from for the child's best interests.

Look up the local family mediation services, get leaflets and send them with a letter explaining what mediation is about. Make all the appointments (so the ex can't wuss out) and go along to the first initial appointment - the first one will be quite short, seeing if you are eligible for legal aid and going over the reasons for mediation and what you are looking from it.

Give the ex 2 weeks to reply, send a reminder and if he doesn't reply then by all means go via the solicitor route as you will probably have no option but to go for a defined contact order (no mention of residence at this time). This usually shakes him up and gets his arse in gear.

Does he have PR btw, i.e. were you married, is he named on the birth certificate if the child was born after dec 2003?

yerblurt if he has got PR what difference does that make?
As my xp is doing the same thing as fransmom
Sorry just wondering

If your exp has got prr's then it means that he has an equal say in the upbringing/care of your children....it it sometimes better to get things set out in a formal agreement (through solicitors)then that way each party knows where he/she stands.

Does PR mean they have an equal say in everything, even thoough they dont have equal responsibilty? That annoys me immensely if thats the case.

See this link...www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/ParentsRights/DG_4002954

HTHx

My xp has got PR but what does that mean in terms of his access, or lack of it as he`s to "busy" for DD, just like fransmom, he changes it to suit him all the time

that link didnt work karen?

oops - sorry - try this www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/ParentsRights/DG_4002954

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/ParentsRights/DG_4002954 try that?

karens done it now

Quote:
"Parental Responsibility is defined in the Children Act 1989 as "all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities
and authority which by law a parent of a child has in relation to the child and his property".

In practicality it's a formality. Theorectically without a residence order in place both parents are equal in the eyes of the law.

Dad with PR can take child to the doctors/seek emergency medical treatment, have an input into the religous upbringing of child, role in schools, receive school reports etc.

my opinion - go with the family mediation route initially (if you are on legal aid you will have to show you have attended mediation first), sometimes a strongly worded letter does the trick initially.

it all sounds very familiar to me too. i dont think you should feel like its 'tattle-tale'.

my xp and i had mediation well before christmas and all the contact arrangements were agreed by us and written out. i went the mediation route to avoid paying out for a solicitor and to avoid being messed around every single weekend by my xp [as he has done for 2 years] and because i truely thought that would be enough and ive heard positive things about it. he used to show up an hour or even 3 hours late and bring them home 1 hour to three hours late, not answer the phone to me when i phoned the children to say goodnight etc.

all that was sorted ... and it lasted for one week!

it's been two months since, and this weekend we agreed he would bring them home at 4pm as it was school the next day and my son still had homework to do. instead of which i got a text at 3.30pm saying he had decided to take them out and wouldnt be back until 5pm. then at 5.30pm i phoned [no pick up], so had to text asking what time they were coming back [getting worried], and got told it would be 45 minutes. then when i asked to speak to my son, my xp's new partner texted me and said 'you forgot to say please...' [after 3+ attempted phone calls and a simple text saying 'can i speak to ds'.

when they got home at 6.30pm i was fuming!

anyway, the upshot is that i am fed up of waiting around for him and every weekend i have had for the last two years has been stressful and wasted because of his behaviour. he too says i am controlling and it is sooo frustrating.

so now i have told him that he needs to see a solicitor and go the legal route as he is blatently breaking all the rules in mediation. what else can i do? the only problem is that i cannot actually afford a solicitor myself, so i don't know what will happen. but i know i cannot live a life like this indefinately-it just isnt fair on the children or me.

sorry, i dont know what to suggest, only that i hope your xp can see that it just isnt right to treat you or your dd like that. I would still try mediation in the first instance, it just didnt work for for my xp and me [think it was because he thought i had to much of a 'say', or because the mediator was female...who knows?] anyway, good luck.

dd with me atm so can only pop in quick hi all wil lreply more soon x

fmxx

ps have been to sol goin again next week as he has changed access 3 times to suit him just this week alone. he also said he won't be able to have dd on 26th because of his mate's suprise birthday party which i supposedly had invite to (yeah, like i really want to go). so because he has given me two weeks notice he can supposedly chnage his mind to suit himselfg. i have told him thast hje cannot chnage his mind on whim to suit him as i can't plan anything for dd or myself.

dd getting antsy so will have to pop back soon.

i saw a psoter at sol's for www.freedomprogramme.co.uk so good luck xxx speak soon

fransmom stick to agreed days between you and if he fails to turn up or cant make it then he loses out see'ing her until the next time, you need to toughen up a bit as it looks like he is calling the shots, children need stability and your daughter isnt getting it, get your solictors to put it in writing the days and times for access, good luck

I can only dream that my ex was as reasonable as you.

My advice? Go for mediation. Avoid solicitors like the plague. No, seriously. Avoid solicitors like the plague - consider them the absolute worst case result. You'll come out of court with no one happy but the solicitor. You'll feel no better than you do now, only with less money.

Write him a letter explaining the situation. Keep it neutral and non-accusatory - i.e. don't go on about his flakiness, just say that your daughter needs stability and you both need to work together to achieve that.

Oh - and did I mention...avoid solicitors like the plague.

thanks lostdad and tinkerbel6. did i mention that i have legalaid? (or what used to be called legalaid). the outcome of the original visit to the solicitor was to put in writing what we had agreed amicably before he got shitty shirty. i thought that being/been as he hadn't listened to me then a sol's letter might be more likely to make him sit up and take notice kind of thing. huh! yeah right it did.

i have had a shit weekend - the last time he picked up dd, i told him that when fran was old enough, i hoped that she would see what a selfish liar her dad was and wouldn't want to see him anymore. i have been crying my eyes out for the past three nights (once dd in bed). he basically sent me this message on friday(?)
you win i can't take it anymore. perhaps we shouldn't wait until fran is old enough to deiced if she wants to see me or not.this has got to be upsetting her. let her come and find me when she is old enough.
and then his phone was switched off for til this morning. i had found out from his aunty over the weekend that he had sent it to stop the arguing, nice way to do it to walk out on his daughter and to use her to do it? that's low. his aunty had also said that he was tired, exhausted and ill from it all. and what have i been feelling???????? all that. and i am still there for my daughter. how on earth i have got the strength to do it sometimes i do not know but i do it because i am her mother.

to cut another long story short, i had spoken to him today and he is still saying that if circumstances change then he will change the access times provided he has given me enough notice!!!!!!!!!!!! so i said to him that is basically saying that (and please tell me if i am wrong) if something better comes along then he won't see dd. treating her like second best is how i would think of it.

so i think i will keep the sol's appt on tuesday and show her the messages he has been sendig, get the access times put in a letter again and stick to it. he can't keep treating dd like this.

i have bent over backwards trying to make sure that she had and kept a relationship with her dad and his family and now he walked out on her. her aunty still wanted to see her as arranged for dinner today, so i told dd and she wanted to go still. i found out from dd's great aunt that he was still going what's he bloody well playing at. he jsut sent me a message now saying he not want any games. he's the one playing them.

and now he wants to take her to "malta in may/june"