xp keeps changing access to suit him...(i am fuming)

[fransmom]

.. when it was his idea in the first place to have dd. how the hell am i supposed to be able to arrange things for dd when i never know for certian if he going to change or not.
he has changed access three times this week already, he has clearly shown himself o be unreliable and yet i can't block him from seeing her. i know i have to let things ride and try not to argue.

have not been through this before and am upset partly because he been a git and accusing me of having control issues and partly because it's getting to me.

when he picked up dd tonight, he was going back to garage and he said whne he dropped her off last night that he would phone and let me know when he would pick her up because of he car and garage thing (long story) he was due to pick her up at half 3, 4pm he still hand't turned up and htere weren't any messages waiting for me either. have phoned solicitor to book appt and am seeing her soon but i feel like i'm a tattle-tale what the hell do i do?i f'in hate him for making me feel this way what do i do?

What are his reasons for changing his access times and is he still seeing her regularly? Is he just being late or not turning up?

he jsut doing it to suit him because (one of his reasons) it's inconvenient, sometimes he late and sometimes he late bringing her back. it was his idea to have those access times in the first place

Go to the CAB - what are his reasons for saying it is inconvenient?

he won't say. have sol's appt on tuesday. i hate him for this crap he putting us through. am panicking now.

he doing it again. he wants to change access for selfish reasons in that he wants to go out on hisbirthday. i wanted to go out on my birthday with but didn't/couldn't cos dd was with me. i know this sounds as tho i abu, but he just doesn't get it.

Sorry to hear this fransmom.

I have issues with my exH in that he does not stick to our original agreement as submitted to the court as part of the divorce paperwork.

It was really very simple - we agreed that he would pick them up once per week from school/childminder and have them every other weekend.

I in my naivety thought it would work like that but it has not (we separated in mid 06)

What I find is that generally it's all to suit him (and arrangements with new DP)and apart from when he took them on holiday he has never had them for a full weekend ie from fri/sat to sun.

It's usually 24 hours max. And I have to swap alot due to his work schedule (he has lots of overseas trips) and have also swapped for social reasons.

Who is losing out here - the DCs and my own social life. Since the new year I have been logging all contact in a book (this made him very angry) with a view to mediation or solicitor.

I positively want my DCs to be involved with my ex and his new family. Esp as she is pg and I don't want them to feel marginalised.

Sorry but I don't have the solution. But one first step might be to log it all.

Fransmom you have to take a stand or this will continue. If he is meant to have his child and has something else he wants to do instead he will either have to cancel his other plans or make arrangements for someone else to have his child when it is his time to have her. he should be looking at this as the child is his responsibility during his agreed contact and not be passing the buck back to you to deal with it.

So your two main choices really:

1)Tell him you expect him to make arrangements for childcare/babysitter etc when it is his mutually agreed times, that you may be able to do this, but not always so ask but don't expect you to accomodate. Also that if he wants to change contact times a minimum of 6 weeks notice must be given and be agreed to by you in writing, excepting emergencies. Birthday parties aren't emergencies.

2. Have your child with you when he cancels and put up with it knowing that she is being properly cared for rather than farmed out to any friend/relative/neighbour/stranger who will have her and then having a hung over father taking care of her the following day.

He probably thinks you are being difficult and making it hard for his to see his child. You think he is unreliable and not taking the responsibility he should be. So if you're both coming at this from different angles then there will be a clash. He probably doesn't see your side of it or doesn't think it's relevant, doesn't understand fully his responsibilities or is simply not willing to live up to his responsibilities as a parent.

He should take you situation into account just as you should his and both think about what s best for your daughter. Easier said than done.

Working out a contact plan is good, with the help of mediation if necessary. But understanding the responsibilities and how he can't swap and choose on a whim because this is a child and not a goldfish is something harder to get accross without it sounding like you are being the difficult one (to him) so mediation really is the best option for that.

Having a court order specifying contact times rather than an agreemet probably isn't going to make him any more reliable in all honesty. Courts try and get you to come to an agreement if at all possible anyhow!

Very difficult situation for you and your child. Hope you manage to work things out for her sake.
Best of luck
Gilly

Hi Fran,
No magic solutions but just thought I'd say you have my sympathy as my ex often cancels contact arrangemts, he cancels more than he comes, and my oldest child is starting to get really upset about it. All i have been able to come up with is to explain to children that dad is not very organised and often doesn't think through what he needs to do before he says he will come and see them (not that i condone his irrisponsibility, but was to only way i could think of to explain to the children without slagging him off or making them feel rejected by him)

I have suggested to him that he also doesn't promise to them when he does come and see them that he will see them on x date because he so often phones and says 'actually i can't make that it will have to be 2 weeks later' and that he tells them when he does turn up, that he will see them soon, and will phone when he has had a look at his calender and make aranements then.
How much does he see dd at the moment? would it be worth talking to him about seeing her less but more consistently IYSWIM, so instead of lots of cancelled weekly contacts she gets a regular fortnightly contact? or a regular afternoon instead of cancelled whole days?
No easy answers because it does suck, he SHOULD be regular and on time for contact he SHOULD be a responsible co-parent, and its left for you to try to manage your daughters upset when he doesn't do these things

My xh does this to me all the time. You are as entitled to a life as he is. You should be able to make plans for your week without wondering whether or not they're all going to go tits upwards because he changes his mind. Your dd is also entitled to a stable and predictable relationship with her dad. He is being selfish.

My ex-partner rearranges his access on a weekly basis. He will only see his children when it suits his social life. It sucks. We breathe deeply, and we plan for the rest of the year.

Agnes

i have no advice but endless sympathy

all day i have been dealing with the repercussions of dd1 seeing her father this morning, and it has not been pretty

i'm drained

good luck with the sol on tuesday, i am calling mine on monday about him again

have contatced sol about mediation and am waiting to hear from them.

had apology from x about what a prat he is etc etc etc, whilst i was trying to sleep i think ok then, now atm i am inclined to think he being reasonable whne no gf, (he has split from latest-2 since we split!) see how long it lasts

have to go"!!!

he now wants to contatc me via email. he knows i have no access to a computer unless it is via the library - why can't he just pick up the bloody phone and talk to me like an adult.

Sorry to hear this fransmom. Im having the same problem. Exp has basically told me that he will do what he wants, when he wants and break contact arrangements if he feels like it, "its not a big deal" in his own words.

Sometimes he cancels and leaves ds disappointed. He's late collecting him (HUGE deal to a little boy clock watching), drops him off late (HUGE deal to my 4 year old dd when we are waiting to eat dinner with ds).

I dont think its too much to ask that he just sticks to the times we have agreed on and has a little bit of consideration..after all, he wouldn't put his own flipping family out..he'd go MAD. Ive suggested he might like to have ds one day in the week for tea and his answer? "Im not picking him up just for a couple of hours, its not worth the petrol" He lives a 10 minute drive away! So I suggested he kept him overnight and took him to school in the morning. Nope, no can do as his gf needs the car for her..ahem "voluntary" work.

Ive tried to talk to him until im blue in the face and he tells me im trying to control him. He even said last week that if I keep on at him he'll think it isn't worth the hassle seeing his son and wont bother anymore .

This is the man (I use the term loosely) who at age 21, would CRY to me about his memories of waiting on the wall for his dad to turn up.

You'd think he would know better.

Fransmom this is clearly taking it's toll on you both. You think you are being clear but he either doesn't hear what you are saying, or doesn't want to hear. Sometimes if you 'nag' someone enough, they just switch off. You had a go at him and basically said you thought he was useless and that your daughter wouldn't want anything to do with him when she was older and realised what he was really like. That's a pretty devestating thing to be told, even if it was by someone who was hurting and trying to hurt you too. Saying such things might make you feel better, and may even be justified, but they aren't helping you or your daughter.

Think about what is best for her, hard as it is to see beyond your own feelings at times your daughter loves you and she loves her dad.

Go to mediation. Try and find a way forward on this. Having a third party there can help you work through things and get your point across so that he hears what you are actually saying as well as you being able to hear what he is saying too.

Some people really don't understand that children need routine and stability. You have to make him see that this is important and that it is having a detrimental affect on your (yours and his) child to have contaact distrupted like this. Listen to his concerns and feelings, express your own, come to a compromise and a written agreement if you possibly can.

Agree the dates and times. Agree a time in advance that any changes need to be agreed in writing by (2 or 4 weeks in advance), except in the case of emergency (we're talking hospitalisation, severe illness, car accident, not mates birthday party here).

Get the agreement in writing. Do not tell your daughter he is coming until he arrives, then she won't be disappointed when he doesn't come.

Tell him you are going out and therefore he needs to collect her at the correct time or you will have to take her out with you and he will miss his contact. Then if he is not there within 20 mins of the agreed time, go out. Even if he sends a message saying he will be half an hour late then stick with it and say sorry but I made it clear I had to go out. Do not change to the following day or different time, this should have been agreed 2/4 weeks in advance if he wanted to swap. If he agreed the time then he should stick to it. Until you show him he is going to miss out if he can't be reliable he will keep doing this.

Make it clear that spur of the moment late return is not acceptable, any chages should be agreed 2/4 weeks in advance, save for dire emergency and unforseeable events like a puncture on the drive back.

If he is late bringing her back make it clear this is not acceptable and you expect him to leave (however late he is) earlier next time to ensure he is not delayed on the journey.

Make it clear to him that if he can not stick to the agreement you will take it to court where the agreement will be by court order and he will be in breach of the court order if he returns her late like this.

If he is significantly late again (we're talking 40 mins plus rather than 5 or 10) then you should ring the police and report this as DV.

You have to be strong and deal with this. Going to court to get the contact officially agreed, and reporting the late return to police as DV are things that you can do once you've exhausted negotiation and mediation. Don't be afraid of doing these things. Your daughter deserves a sane mother and a reliable father and to know that when people make promises (which is what he is doing by saying he will see her on a certain day at a specific time) that she can trust them to do what they promise.

And as for the communicating via email then maybe that is the best way to go right now when you are both upset and angry and saying things you don't really mean. If email is hard for you because you have to go to the library then use texts too. But avoid conflict until you ahve a third party mediator there to help you both get to the bottom of what you are both trying to express and say.

Keep strong, your daughter deserves time with her dad, but it can't be at his whim and cancelled and changed without mutual agreement. That is potentially damaging for her and is causing issues for you which again reflect back on your daughter. Get this sorted.

Best of luck
Gilly

lba, maybe it might be worth reminding him in roundabout way of course of whatit felt like to be that little boy on the wall....

gillybean thanks for your advice. but what is dv?

DV = domestic violence. It doesn't have to be physical, it can be mental or emotional abuse too.

If you were to stop him seeing his children he could accuse you of DV, thus I see it as perfectly reasonable to say that him not returning them when he should is emotionally distressing for you and causing you mental and emotional pain.