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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

would anyone voluntarily have a child as a single parent?

49 replies

nelix2000 · 08/01/2008 09:59

just curious, if there are women out there who would go out to get pregnant, through activly seeking men or a sperm donor to have a baby alone.....sometimes I remember what having a partner was like and what that would be like with a baby. I have always been a single parent (partner left when I was 8 months pregnant, not seen them since) and I think I am better off without them! I would have ended up with 2 kids rather than one!!!! It can be tough and it can be lonely at times, but wow...the freedom of not having to take anyone else into consideration apart from me and my son .....its liberating! Sometimes I want another child for his sake.....just wondered what people thought in general. The pros and cons of being a single mum/dad!

OP posts:

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mummyfantastico · 08/01/2008 10:03

I have 2 kids, would have loved a 3rd with xh but now I'm single.
If I decide one day that I really want another one, I would consider using a sperm donor.

chickenmama · 08/01/2008 18:48

I absolutely would. I was afraid of becoming a single parent but it's all gone so well that if I decide I want to have another I would be very happy to come to some kind of 'arrangement'

chickenmama · 08/01/2008 19:04

In fact I already did in a way, as I knew my dd's father was emigrating even before I fell pregnant. It wasn't planned but I made the choice to bring this child into the world on my own and I'm SO happy that I did

singledadofthree · 08/01/2008 23:08

you must be joking!!

have got by ok most of the time, but to choose this over a decent family life - i'd need to have a screw loose.

i depended on benefit for a long time - and now have to claim tax credits - without them we wouldnt have survived.

my grandad was the son of a single parent and ended up in the local workhouse as a kid - the best the welfare state could offer at the time when his dad couldnt earn enough to keep them all. dont suppose he would agree with you either. guess we have it too easy.

best not mention how it might affect kids morals when they grow up - dodgy subject.

Lasvegas · 09/01/2008 11:55

Yes, if I was getting on in age and hadn't met Mr Right. My desire to be a mum was strong prior to having DD so I think this need would have always been there even if I hadn't been married prior to trying to get pregnant.

As it turned out despite being married for 7 yrs my first husband decided he didn't want to be a dad after all and walked out a couple of days after DD was born. I raised DD alone for nearly 2 yr (then met my current husband). It was certainly very hard but if I had the advantage of hind sight I would have a child alone. I would save far more money though before getting pregnant.

lostdad · 09/01/2008 13:43

I don't think it is right that a child should be created with the knowledge beforehand that it will not have two loving parents.

It's just as bad when one parents shirks their responsibilities in my opinion.

Is someone who decides to have a child on their own putting the rights of an uncreated child first - or their own? Can you even put someone first who doesn't even exist?

lostdad · 09/01/2008 13:50

Just want to add - there are 101 reasons why people are single parents.

Becoming one voluntarily is just another reason.

BITCATKSTHJT · 09/01/2008 13:59

I wouldn't as i know lots of single mums and dads and they find it difficult they have no support or backup with children, especially when they misbehaving. I am lucky i have 4 children with my partner we have never married and have been together for 14yrs. I do believe that children need both parents, i don't think a child should be delibrately brought into the world without both parents. In some cases it can't be helped and some men just aren't bothered, a friend of mine had no choice because her husband a drunk and therefore had to go it alone. I think anyone who is alone with there children deserves a medal, it's a hard job with two parents, i can't imagine tryin to do it on my own!

serenity · 09/01/2008 14:06

My friend is a single parent by choice, through adoption. I don't think her Ds is going to suffer because he's only going to have a Mum rather than a 'traditional' two parent family. She's got a supportive family, and lots of friends.

NotDoingTheHousework · 09/01/2008 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Kewcumber · 09/01/2008 14:23

I did and have adopted as a single parent. Am a memebr of a small group of women who are also single mothers by choice.

Not that any of us are anti-partners just that a partner wasn;t around at the time we chose/needed to have children.

Kewcumber · 09/01/2008 14:37

Lostdad - "Is someone who decides to have a child on their own putting the rights of an uncreated child first - or their own?" Their own obviously, no parent makes the decision to have a child on the basis that it is right for the child.

Is it right that married couples where both need to work have children?
Is it right that people on low incomes have children?
Is it right that anyone with a physical or metnal health issue has children?

Having children is selfish - you are always doing it for yourself until the child is real.

If it makes you feel any better there was some research done (would have to dig out the university who did it) that showed that the children of single mothers by choice (as opopsed to those by circumstance) were on average happier and more secure than the norm.

Parents who are single by choice tend to be older, financially more stable, and so deperate for children that they are much more focused on the child.

madamez · 09/01/2008 14:39

Hmm. Is it better for a child that a woman is so desperate not to be single that she stays in a miserable abusive relationship with an arsehole, I wonder?

legalalien · 09/01/2008 14:40

kew - slight hijack, my SIL (who is based in Asia) is in the early stages of considering adoption from an Asia country - she is single. Are there any website / chatroom sites you would recommend?

NotDoingTheHousework · 09/01/2008 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Kewcumber · 09/01/2008 16:25

madamez - agree - also on the basis of doing what is in the best interests of the child, obviously divorce would be illegal if you had children

Kewcumber · 09/01/2008 16:27

legalalien - most of the adoption "chat" sites are Yahoo groups and mostly American - tell her to search google groups under adoption and the name of the country she is looking at. The American sites are good for info gathering as there tend to be the largest number of parents on them.

ScruffyTeddy · 09/01/2008 18:44

Interesting question op.

In a way I suppose I did "voluntarily" become a single parent as when dd's father left me pregnant I still had a choice.

Would I have sought to have a child by whatever means, on the basis that I would bring it up alone? Not in my present circumstances no. Maybe if I was a single person, no other children, getting to an age where I felt I wanted a child and was financially secure enough to provide for us, then yes. It really would depend on the circumstances.

I think ideally a child would have two parents but then this isn't an ideal world. Two parents doesn't mean a child is automatically going to be happier, or brought up better than the child of a lone parent. What do you mean about morals singledad?

Hecate · 09/01/2008 18:50

I would NOT choose to have a child as a single parent. And I would do everything in my power (including drugging dh and chaining him to a radiator) to avoid becomming a single parent.

It seems to me the hardest, loneliest, most difficult thing. Statistically more likely to be poor, to live in crap housing, to be depressed. Then there's sorting out the father, getting money for the kids (hahahaha!)

And who's there for you? How awful must that silence be after the kids are in bed? Who do you turn to and say, "did you see that?" when the kids do something funny? Who do you have to discuss parenting things with? etc etc

To me, it seems a total nightmare. I am sure I simply couldn't cope.

Bloody hats off to single parents, imo. Anyone who finds themselves in that situation deserves a ruddy medal just for getting up in the morning!!!

stripeymama · 09/01/2008 18:53

Yes in a way.

I knew from ex's reaction to hearing that I was pregnant that he was never going to be any use to us. I went ahead despite his attempts to convince me to have an abortion.

I went through three years of emotional abuse from him and my relationship with dd suffered as a result - I had pnd and felt quite a lot of resent towards her for a long time.

Now she is 4, and I have started to cope a lot better, and really enjoy her and life as a single parent family. I want to have more children but don't really have faith that any man will really be there for us long term, and if I was to find out I was pregnant again I would almost certainly do it on my own again.

That is not to say I would not inform and involve the father (if he wanted to be involved) but I would be very wary of relying on him for anything.

But if you mean would I deliberately get pregnant with no intention of telling or involving the father - no. Because I think that would be unfair on everyone involved.

tetti · 09/01/2008 19:47

I'd love to have another child with a man who was an equal partner(unlike the ex),and to be a family.I certainly wouldn't want to bring a child into the world thinking that me and the father would not last.I was with the ex for over 8 years before we had a child,so I kind of thought we were stable enough to cope with that(ehum,he wasn't grown up enough it turns out!:-),and yes,if I fell pregnant by accident and the father did a runner,then I'd be unable to have an abortion as I simply could not go through that.
But ultimately,I am being careful as hell to not fall pregnant again,and if that ever was to happen,I sincerely hope it would be with a man that I would consider my partner,and who would welcome a child into the world.
I'd do anything I could not to have to go through it on my own.

stripeymama · 09/01/2008 19:57

That is sort of what I mean.

I would choose single parenthood over another unsupportive partner. I'd rather know that I'm on my own than be let down time and time again, and carry someone else.

But I wouldn't choose deliberately to become a single parent again.

Nymphadora · 09/01/2008 20:02

I spent 6 years as a single parent and would do it again if I had to but now am with a wonderful man and being in a proper relationship has made em realise how much easier life is.

sazzybeehomeforxmas · 09/01/2008 20:03

Yes, me

My DS was conceived by donor sperm. I thought long and hard about it but after 3 separate relationships failing during my 30s because of my desire to have children, I decided to go it alone.

I am financially secure (I saved very hard before I got pregnant) so that I can try and give my DS the best life I can.

I'm lucky in that I have an extremely supportive family who help out a lot (my mum is going to start looking after my DS one day a week this week) and that I earn enough to be able to work 4 days a week.

I am extremely happy. I've lived alone for ten years so I'm not used to having anyone around and tbh when I read some of the relationship threads on here, I'm glad I'm not in a relationship.

Having my DS was the best decision I ever made. I don't believe two parents are necessary - I believe that children need to be surrounded by love from lots of people - parents, friends and family.

Kewcumber - we met once at foxy's house I believe. I'd be interested to know more about the group you mentioned. I'd love to meet other women in a similar situation. I always feel a bit lost on the lone parents thread as most people seem to have exes.

fordfiesta · 09/01/2008 20:12

i am a single mum with 1 ds..... for good and bad he still has regular contact with his dad and loves it. my answer to this thread would have been different if i did not have a child (ie why should'nt i have a child with no dad) but what ever my feelings for his dad..... GOD I HATE HIM..... ds values the time he spends with him and they have a lovely relationship. That's not to say that those who dont have dads around will be any less happy and i agree with you nelix it is lovely not having to look after two children, i just think it is so sad for the kids sometimes not to have a bit of both. Since having ds i am now desparate for more but dont feel i could justify doing it and then having to explain to the child in years to come why they dont have a dad! I am ookng into adoption though as sa single mum as this i feel i can justify to a child... if you see what mean.

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