would anyone voluntarily have a child as a single parent?

[nelix2000]

just curious, if there are women out there who would go out to get pregnant, through activly seeking men or a sperm donor to have a baby alone.....sometimes I remember what having a partner was like and what that would be like with a baby. I have always been a single parent (partner left when I was 8 months pregnant, not seen them since) and I think I am better off without them! I would have ended up with 2 kids rather than one!!!! It can be tough and it can be lonely at times, but wow...the freedom of not having to take anyone else into consideration apart from me and my son .....its liberating! Sometimes I want another child for his sake.....just wondered what people thought in general. The pros and cons of being a single mum/dad!

kewcumber would love to hear more about your experiences when going through adoption process, i am about two months in and hoping to get booked on to their three day course sometime soon, would be nice to know some of the hurdles before i get there!

sazzy its good that you are happy, but [takes a deep breath, ready for a rant....] please can I ask..what about your son?

while you have parents and family trees, is it too easy to forget how important it is to know where you come from?

there are so many stories of people who spend their lives needing to know who their real parents are after adoption, that it can't be fair to deliberately choose to deny a child its heritage? It IS different from adoptions where children are given up for many reasons, or even women getting preggers on purpose and not bothering about the guy. At least there is a chance the kids can find their parents.

To never have the chance to meet your father...can yopu imagine how you would have felt? it just seems wrong and just too selfish..

I would deffo have had babies on my own if I hadn't had them with someone

microwaveonly - actually, my son can get in touch with his biological father when he's 18 if he wishes. I was very pleased when they changed the rules about that because it was important to me that he could make that decision one day.

He also knows he was very, very wanted - unlike thousands of children in the world.

He knows he's very, very loved - again, unlike thousands.

He also doesn't have the pain of having a dad who isn't interested in him - this lone parents forum is largely comprised of threads where exes haven't paid any maintenance, didn't turn up for a visit etc, etc.

I know many adopted people who aren't remotely interested in finding out about their biological parents - as my friend Neil said to me the other day, his parents are the people who loved and cared for him, not the ones who provided the genetic raw material.

You're obviously perfectly entitled to think I'm selfish though.

If you have the money to support yourself through it, go for it!

I didnt deliberatley set out to get pregnant but knew as soon as found out that I would have to go it alone. I was quite a bit older than the father and he wasnt ready and couldnt offer any support. We've had our moments but I'm glad I had my child, we are very close. I think I've done the best that I could for here. I have felt guilt, sadness, regret sometimes that she has never had a loving dad. (He has no interest many years on). I could have settled for a step dad situation but never fell in love.

I will add that when I considered having another child It would have only been within a loving stable relationship and as I never met anyone nice enough, we remain a very happy single mum and daughter family.

There are many reasons why women have children and as long as they do their very best for them then I dont think one way is right and another wrong.

sazzy thanks for replying, I'm sure you've heard it all before!

But adoptions and divorces and seperations are sad things that happen as a result of some misfortune/event - the mother does not INTENTIONALLY set out to have a fatherless child..that's what I mean by selfish...and yes I guess we are all selfish when we have kids but there must be a point too far? and while most people agree that IDEALLY a child should have a male figure in its life, for its healthy pschological upbringing, sometimes this doesn't happen because of an event - again to intentionally deny them that..seems unfair.

Sazzy, just read your post. How will you explain the donor situation to your son?

I'm not critising you in any way as you can see if you read my post. Its good that your son can trace the biological father if he wishes and I presume that since he was a donor he wont be too suprised to find out that he'd fathered a child.

My DD knows who her dad is but shes had to cope with rejection and finding out that hes not a very kind person, she had questions and they have been answered and she coped quite well with it. Fingers crossed.

Mag I guess there is some 'closure' about knowing who your dad is or even why he was a useless father. But I can't imagine much closure when you crash into a sperm donors life, which he has nicely sorted out, thank you with or without other kids and has probably forgotten his student sperm donation, after spending the money on beer.

Harsh but true. I remember the guys in my student hall who thought it was a hoot. I think they got £10 a pop, but this was quite a few years ago!

That's true microwaveonly - it was an intentional decision. I desperately wanted a child and this was the only way it was going to happen - I was 42 when my son was born. Yes, I could have adopted like kewcumber (and huge credit to her - I know that it's not an easy path to take) but I wanted (if I could) to experience pregnancy and giving birth. And I could have deliberately gone out and got pregnant by some random stranger but I thought that was not very fair on either my child or the bloke.

I would like to think that some day I will meet a man who will take my son on as his own. And in that respect, it's much less complex to not have an ex partner in the background.

Magdelanian - I will tell my son from the moment he's old enough to understand. I have a book which explains how mummy wanted a baby very much so a very kind man helped her make one.

I chose the father of my son and yes of course he knows he has fathered a child. Donors now have agreed that they can be contacted. He's a very wonderful man in my opinion.

I don't expect everyone to understand or condone my decision. But I hope mothers know what it is to desperately want a child. It's hard enough being single, to be denied the joys of being a parent as well was intolerable for me.

i think you made a very hard decision sazzy (one that i would probably have considered if i was still childless at the age i am now.) What ever the right and wrongs you obviously love your son and that is half the battle! good luck.

bugger...sazzy I didn't mean my last post to sound harsh, sometimes its hard to raise questions without coming across as insenitive and I'm not. As a mum I can't imagine never having experienced childbirth and as you only have one life you have to go for it. But those college friends of mine were typical male students who didn't put an ounce of thought into it. Maybe now they are fathers themselves they might wonder.

I think (I hope!) things have changed nowadays. Since they changed the rules in 2004, all donors know that they can be contacted when any offspring reach the age of 18 which is why there's such a dearth of donors.

I have a letter that my donor has written explaining why he decided to donate, who he is, where he's from, what his interests are. When my DS is 18, he can go to the clinic and get a letter that the donor has written to him (and any other offspring - the limit is 10). If he wants, he can contact him.

I don't think (well I hope and that's the best I can do) that anyone who's done all that would have done it for a laugh and a fiver.

They still get paid bugger all though!

"Harsh but true". I dont think anyone can judge that all donors did it for a lark to get beer money. IMHO. There are many varied reasons in which children are conceived and as long as we do the best for our kids once they are born then that's what counts.

It may seem selfish to choose to be a single mum to some but to others it may seem like a hugh act of love, knowing that you can do just as good job alone.

Nelix2000, haven't read the rest of the posts here. If you are happy with your situation with you and your ds then that's great.

I am a single mum of two and feel like I have always been a single mum because ex h was never around when they were babies (I left him when they were 4 and nearly 3). What I wasn't prepared for was the difference between having one child and two, I really struggle on my own with them but it's getting easier very gradually. So if you are thinking of having a second don't just do it for your ds' sake, it's bloody hard work.

I do agree with you though that not having anyone to take into consideration is rather nice. My ex h does see the dc but the day to day stuff is 100% my decisions. I have a boyfriend/partner but he doesn't live with us and that gives me the best of both worlds in a way - no-one interfering with how I bring up the dc and free time when they are with ex h to be with him and do our own thing.

Can I just clarify for the benefit of those who seem to think I selflessly adopted because it was the tight thing to do as opposed to using donor sperm....

I tried for decades to get pregnant - having unprotected sex with partners (who knew I should add!), moving on to donor insemination and finally IVF (3 attempts). In my day DI was anonymous and so I spent a great deal of itme and effort importing "known" donor sperm form overseas. All to no avail.

My decision to adopt paid very little regard to the wellbeing of any child only my own feelings, which if you're all honest is exactly what was in your mind when you decided you wanted children (or at least the majority).

I have to explain to my DS that he could not stay with his birth mother because she was poor and single and central Asian where they don't accept single mothers, whereas he could come to me becasue I am a (relatively) wealthy western woman. Sometimes I think that explaining donor sperm is far easier on a child.

Do you think it is selfish for couples to have children by donor? Shouldn;t they also go straight to adoption? There really isn't any rational reason why a woman should be allowed to have a child biologically if her husband can't provide her with (selfless as opposed to the selfish donor kind!) sperm!

Sazzy - yes I remember you - email me on suejonez at aol dot com - you just missed a meet-up in Balham but will let you know when the next one is.

And besides - women having children by donor is such a minute tiny percentage of children in this country, I can't beleive that its worth anyone's time losing sleep over it.

obviously the "right" thing to do.

Will do kewcumber . And thank you for your very sensible post.

(realised I was still labouring under my xmas name so have changed it).

Not having a father doesn't need to mean that the child has no male figure just that they odn't have a father there.My kids Dad is around but fairly irresponsible and only recently has been 'there' IYSWIM. Until my kids met my partner 6 month ago they have had my Dad as a very good substitute fgure,looking after them couple of times a week and doing all the Dad stuff.

Millions of children grew up in the wars with no father, some for a long time and obviously some forever. It didn;t result in the kind of social problems we are seeing now. Its a red herring in my opinion. I'm not arguing that growing up without a father is a good thing, but its not the worst thing. And as Nymphadora says - most single mothers by choice work hard to make sure that thier DC's have a positive role model even if its not their father.

I chose to have a child as a single woman, using a fertility clinic and an anonymous donor. I have written about it extensively on Mumsnet in the past. I won't repeat myself here as Kewcumber and sazzybee have written so eloquently.

DD is about to turn 7 (born when I was 42), and is a lovely, happy, well-adjusted child. She knows all about how she came to be in the world, and has done since she was old enough to understand.

I am happy to speak/write to those who genuinely want to understand the process/issues associated with being a single mum by choice. But it is not, and never will be, a decision I feel the need to justify or defend. It is worth saying here that the people who know me casually or intimately, have been overwhelmingly supportive of my choice. Perhaps I am lucky in that, or perhaps I/dd are living proof of a happy outcome (hope I don't sound smug) of a concept some find difficult to grasp.

By the way Kewcumber, I am on the list for that single mums group you wrote of (via DCN), but have never made it to a meeting - and won't for the foreseeable future as we just moved to America. But, I have imagined in the past how I would draw you into a corner and we would chat and chat!

I didn;t choose to me a single parent but I am much happier as one than I was with my Ex (sadly he turned out to be a total twunt)

Ideally I would like to be happliy married to a lovely man and to raise my child(ren) in a secure traditional family but as that is not going to happen I am going to raise DS in a secure happy enviroment as best I can.

If I had reached my late thrities with no chance of having a baby I certainly would consider having a baby on my own. I love babies - I would love to have more children and may yet go for it.

At the moment I am too poor and too knackered to even think about it though!