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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

He went on holiday without her!

48 replies

GeekyGirl42 · 03/04/2022 23:32

3 years ago, my ex husband told our daughter, in a grand reveal, that he was taking her to Disneyworld in Florida. She was beyond excited!!! Unfortunately for both of them, the trip got rescheduled twice because of the pandemic. They were due to leave today.

There's been huge build up. He and his financee were very excited, as was our daughter. Beginning of last week, we both got Covid symptoms and tested positive. This meant she couldn't go, but she was ok because she was sure Daddy would reschedule. There was a heartbreaking phonecall (he didn't prepare me for this at all) where he told her that they had planned too much not to go, and so he and his financee (there are no other children) would still go.

She is devastated. I've spoken with him several times to try to persuade him to postpone the trip. I really pushed this when he asked for her pcr result so he could claim her bit back on insurance!!!

He only ever sees her in the school holidays, and in the end I had to tell him that if he couldn't promise her they'd go next year, I'll take her and he'll have to loose his Easter break with her and find time at the weekends to see her instead. He was fine with that.

So at least she knows that she will be going. But it doesn't take away the sting of what he's done. She keeps saying "He's supposed to be my Dad". It's heartbreaking. What on earth do I say to her?

Be gentle with me.... I'm recovering from Covid and now I'm paying for a holiday I didn't plan to take!!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

RealRaymondReddington · 04/04/2022 10:57

What a rubbish thing to do to her. Also, he should be having her while you get better, so shouldn't really be able to go himself. Clearly he has just assumed you have nothing planned and are at home and able to look after her. Wouldn't want to put himself out would he! Luckily she has you, you sound like you are doing everything possible to make her happy, which is what any normal caring parent would do. He is heartless, I wonder if his fiancee realises he will most probably do the same to her if they have children one day?!

aSofaNearYou · 04/04/2022 11:05

I think it depends if there were genuinely things that could not be rescheduled. Dick move if not, but that's not clear.

Abraxan · 04/04/2022 11:09

@HardbackWriter

I absolutely feel for your daughter - but are you sure he'd have been able to postpone the trip at this notice?

Almost certainly. The girl has a positive covid test and you need to still test to be allowed to travel to America. Either the travel company or travel insurance would almost certainly have covered this, even last minute - especially as the PCR/LFT to travel there has to be done within 1 day of travel.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/04/2022 11:13

@aSofaNearYou

I think it depends if there were genuinely things that could not be rescheduled. Dick move if not, but that's not clear.

But given covid, you consider these things and accept that if someone in your family tests positive, ammendments/deposit losses are a given?

aSofaNearYou · 04/04/2022 11:18

But given covid, you consider these things and accept that if someone in your family tests positive, ammendments/deposit losses are a given?

Maybe, but if I was standing to lose the majority of what I paid I would probably still go tbh, I'm pretty practical when it comes to money.

Again, I'm not claiming to know what the situation actually was in terms of cancellations, I've never been.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/04/2022 11:21

Maybe, but if I was standing to lose the majority of what I paid I would probably still go tbh, I'm pretty practical when it comes to money

And if your 13yo teen lived with you full time? Would you send them to a grandparents? And go without them?

aSofaNearYou · 04/04/2022 11:30

And if your 13yo teen lived with you full time? Would you send them to a grandparents? And go without them

Possibly, as would my parents. They did do things like this, though I don't know what they'd have done had it been Disney. I was raised to avoid wasting money, it's definitely part of my psyche.

TillyTopper · 04/04/2022 11:45

Wow - that's awful. Your poor DD and poor you for having to deal with it.

However, as she is going anyway with you I think you should move her from dwelling on it as it won't help her to keep reflecting. However, I am sure it'll adversely affect his relationship with her.

Yoohoo778611 · 04/04/2022 11:48

How awful for your daughter.
Hopefully their flights are cancelled as a lot are this morning.
He has in one second ruined his relationship with her.

inmyslippers · 04/04/2022 11:49

Wow I just can't comprehend how someone could do this to their child. So sorry op

dancinfeet · 04/04/2022 11:51

Men are shits. My ex H took his younger daughter to Disney Paris a few years ago and didn’t invite his other two daughters who were 13 and 17. My youngest his middle daughter) was especially upset. Your poor DD.

FHmama · 04/04/2022 12:03

This is terrible. And something your DD will never forget, especially being 13 and old enough to start seeing what he's like. I'm glad she's got you OP

vipersnest1 · 04/04/2022 12:10

The only thing you can do for DD is to validate her feelings, sadly.
I'm a great believer in not slagging off your ex to dcs, but also using age-appropriate honesty.
I'd be saying things along the lines of 'I don't understand why he's gone either' and 'I understand why you're upset'.

StarCourt · 04/04/2022 12:11

Hi @GeekyGirl42 so sorry to hear the impact this is having on your DD. My DD is 13 also and your ex sounds a lot like her dad. She ended up refusing to see him since last June and is a lot happier despite him messing with her head. I warned him for years this would happen but he didn't believe me.

Clymene · 04/04/2022 12:14

@aSofaNearYou

And if your 13yo teen lived with you full time? Would you send them to a grandparents? And go without them

Possibly, as would my parents. They did do things like this, though I don't know what they'd have done had it been Disney. I was raised to avoid wasting money, it's definitely part of my psyche.

There are more important things than money. If you promise a child a dream holiday, you don't leave them behind if they have an illness or injury so they can't go.

I would think the profound impact that will have on your relationship with your children wouldn't be worth making sure you got your money's worth.

aSofaNearYou · 04/04/2022 12:24

*There are more important things than money. If you promise a child a dream holiday, you don't leave them behind if they have an illness or injury so they can't go.

I would think the profound impact that will have on your relationship with your children wouldn't be worth making sure you got your money's worth.*

We all have different outlooks. Personally, as a child, I was used to the mentality of not wasting money and this would not have ruined my relationship with my parents.

My parents would never have let the full cost slip away and I don't think I would either. I might try and see if someone else could go in my place and reimburse me, but otherwise yes I would probably go. More likely if I didn't live with the child full time than if I did, as they'd still be with a parent. I know that's controversial on here but it is the honest truth.

It's all hypothetical of course as chances are he could have been refunded.

Whooshaagh · 04/04/2022 12:27

@IceVolcanoes

Your poor DD.

I think all you can do is tell her the bare facts. And be there for her. Getting her some counselling if she’s up for talking to someone to help her learn that it’s not her - it’s him.

My dad did something remarkably similar to me at the same age. He promised my sister and I a trip to Disney in Florida. A couple of days before we were due to go, he decided that he was angry at my mum so to punish her he decided not to take us. He took my aunt and my cousin instead. When they returned, he took me to visit them so I could look at their holiday photos.

He didn’t even have a covid-like excuse. Thing is, it speaks volumes about the man and his character. It took me til I was 20 to properly realise that I did not have to subject myself to his toxic crap anymore. And I cut contact. Two decades ago.

He will die old and lonely. And he will deserve to.

My God. That's even worse. You poor thing.

IceVolcanoes · 04/04/2022 13:28

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I'd ask what he and his girlfriend would do if they had a child together who tested positive. Clearly they'd reschedule.

Which means he doesn't even treat his own dd as if she is his child.

The logic here doesn’t work though.

You could equally ask: what if you were billionaires. Would you have cared about the wasted money?

And then draw some conclusion about reality based on total speculation.

There may be more going on that meant going without her was the better course of action. It might be related to not being able to get leave at any other time this year (and the holidays had already been postponed twice). Or something else. I have no idea. Or the father may be an absolute shit (as mine is). But it’s impossible to know if you don’t actually know the guy and the circumstances of his life.

All the OP can do us help her daughter to realise that it’s not a rejection of her or because of anything she’s done. This is the case whether her father is a shit or not really.

Original poster

GeekyGirl42 · 04/04/2022 22:26

@IceVolcanoes I'm sorry that happened. Funnily enough my DD is saying "I think I'll remember this when I'm older, and maybe I'll stop talking to him". It's so shit.

I'm finding I keep doing the emotional equivalent of shaking my head in disbelief. I thought maybe my therapist would have something helpful to say, but actually he was doing the same thing!! Which, in a way, is helpful.

DD and I have spent the evening getting her set up as a volunteer dog walker (she loves dog but we can't have one) to get the experience needed to be one that asks owners for a voluntary contribution to her guitar fund. She's absolutely loved getting pictures of people's dogs.

OP posts:

Original poster

GeekyGirl42 · 04/04/2022 22:29

(BTW this is not an isolated incident).... I noticed that people who've known me for a very long time weren't surprised. DD already has a mental list she gets out when she's angry with him.

OP posts:

IceVolcanoes · 04/04/2022 22:53

The fact it’s not an isolated incident is important. He’s been letting her down in various ways. And she knows it.

I’m sure he does have his reasons. And they probably feel like good ones for him. They may even be good ones from the outside. But they’re not going to feel like that to your DD. That’s hard for her. I don’t know her and I’d like to save her from such crap - so I can totally understand just how much your protective maternal instincts are on alert too.

The dog walking sounds great.

Do let her know that you can arrange for her to talk to a counsellor at any point in the future if she feels it would be helpful. It’s tough having a properly useless parent, and it takes a lot to realise that it really isn’t you or about you at all. She might not be interested now, but it’s good to know it’s an option for later if all her mental tally starts to become something that troubles her.

I hope she’s feeling ok with covid too. I’m just recovering from it and it was grim. Without feckless fathering to add to it.

My suggestion would be to plan your own trip WITH her. Regardless what he does. Let her decide if disney is what she wants. Make the choices together. She knows you will make what you promise happen. Even if he does decide to take her, she’ll always know you were there for her. And that trip means much more than s holiday.

lostintranslation78 · 05/04/2022 01:20

Just posting to say you are not alone. This has happened to me I’m sat here unable to sleep because I really needed the break.
For some, parenting is optional.
Solidarity x

Original poster

GeekyGirl42 · 05/04/2022 01:43

@lostintranslation78 it really sucks. I can't sleep either. Been chatting with DD until an hour ago and now I'm wired!!

OP posts:

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