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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Not brought her home

26 replies

redlollies · 24/02/2022 21:36

I split with my ex partner before Christmas. He had been having a lot of mental health issues and decided moving out was best. He is unemployed and had no where to go but a friend had kindly let him stay at a property they have spare. It is only partially furnished so he has an air bed and has moved his things there.

We agreed before he left DD5 would stay with me as he had no stability. I worked out a contact schedule which split morning school drop offs after school and weekends and shared it with him. He had no comments on it but mostly went along with it. He has continually sought to take more time with her though, dropping in unannounced, stating he will take certain times that are not his and now tonight he has not brought her home after her visit and has put her to sleep there. I am really trying to stay calm about it but I am so distraught about it.

Despite the awful circumstances I am not averse to him having her overnight just not without warning and not on school nights. He barely speaks to me and is clearly very angry with me and so seems unable to communicate properly. But he has no idea what his instability and inconsistency does to her. He has not once asked how she has been since he left.

Can anyone advise me on what I can do? I don't want to have to go the route of solicitors etc as that will escalate things further but I just cannot trust him at the moment to do what is best for her. Please help.

OP posts:

MNHQ

LivMumsnet · 24/02/2022 22:02

Hi there, @redlollies - we've now moved your thread to Lone Parents, as requested, and we hope you get some advice and support here.

Gardenfish · 24/02/2022 22:58

Op, I'm sorry for you. I usually won't comment on this type of post as their so complicated. Does he miss her versus using her to get housing……. Or just point-scoring.

If you don't trust him and know if you tried to talk to him, he won't listen. Then get a 3rd party involved, who I'm not sure who, so start with citizens' advice.

Is his helping necessary for you to work? If so, speak to the school about morning and after school clubs.

If you're hoping you'll get back together, id still do this. It might help him to pull up his socks. And I could be completely wrong, but maybe he's a bit of a cock lodger.

Gardenfish · 24/02/2022 23:02

Chin up op and hugs, your got a daughtet to put first.

And I really hate this expresion. But your got this!

LittleOwl153 · 24/02/2022 23:11

The first thing is do you think she is in danger - I ask because you say he left because of unresolved mental health issues.

Tomorrow I woukd ensure she is in school, then I would frankly give him he'll. How dare he mess with a kids head like that? He's out her to bed there presumably with no pj's, no clean uniform or underwear for tomorrow.... he really isn't putting her first is he.

Assuming she's in school tomorrow and you really don't want to go down the court route then I'd leave it there and hope he doesn't try anything so stupid again.

However is suspect you will be heading to a legally binding child arrangement order with a penal order attached pretty soon- at least so the police can retrieve her if necessary.

Final thing - do you have a passport for her? If not get one and put it away safe. Is he a flight risk? If there is even a vague possibility then get a marker out on her passport for boarder checks.

Original poster

redlollies · 25/02/2022 05:23

Thank you. I have so far not been worried about her physical safety and and I do think this stems from him missing her and her literally being the only bright spot in his life. The fact I don't 'need' him for anything gets to him.

He has depression and anxiety issues stemming from a traumatic childhood. It's what frustrates me most as he know himself the psychological damage uncertainty and instability brings and yet he cannot see what he is doing to her with his behaviour. Not just this occasion but other circumstances too.

I definitely do not want a reconciliation and I have been trying really hard to keep bigger picture in mind and she does adore him but it also takes its toll on her. She has told me she is sad when she is there and she doesn't talk to him about how she feels.

I will look into what a child arrangement order is. It will escalate his illness as any perceived criticism does as he is already under pressure of no job / home, but I feel like I have to put her first and if he cannot communicate or agree a plan with me that he will stick to then that is the consequence.

Irony is I offered him a sat night overnight this weekend as I knew he missed her and she agreed she wanted to but I really want to now just take that back as it's my night. I miss her and want to spend it with her and also I suppose want him to have a consequence for his behaviour I suppose. But I know that's probably petty and I should take a deep breath and let it pass shouldn't I?

OP posts:

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 25/02/2022 05:41

His mh is bullshit. Its a script to get you to not challenge him or confront him about anything. Has he been to a dr? Has he actually been diagnosed? Has he sought treatment?

If he turns up on your time shut the door.

Go the legal route. He is already tramping over your boundaries. How long will you allow him to do that? What will it take for you to go the legal route?

Original poster

redlollies · 25/02/2022 05:48

Yes he is diagnosed and medicated but struggling with effectiveness of it and can't keep himself in counselling.

You are totally right about the boundaries though. Makes me so so sad.

OP posts:

OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 25/02/2022 06:52

I have some sympathy for him to be honest. It sounds like you very much drew up a contact schedule unilaterally and imposed it on him, including your stipulation that he shouldn't have overnight contact. Clearly he isn't happy with that. I think you both need to agree a new contact schedule you're both happy with, which gives him more contact, including overnights. If you can't agree you could try mediation, then court if that doesn't work. In the absence of serious safeguarding concerns he would most likely get overnight contact if he went to court. Separated fathers often do get 1 or 2 weeknights as well as every other weekend, so there's no guarantee you'd be successful if you opposed him having weeknights in court. From what you've written here it doesn't sound like there are serious safeguarding issues, but of course if you have serious concerns about him then do seek advice on how to proceed.

Clymene · 25/02/2022 07:03

@OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo

He doesn't have a bed for himself so where is she sleeping? SS deem not having a dedicated bed for a child neglect

Original poster

redlollies · 25/02/2022 07:19

I did draw up the draft and sent it to him to agree because if I hadn't nothing would get sorted and DD needs to know when she would see each parent and have some consistency. I have always said it was draft and we could change things but he never suggests changes just says 'fine' and then obviously resents it I agree - he is just unable to communicate it seems.

She shares the Airbed with him which she has cried to me about as it has deflated a couple of times when he has had her overnight before.

My concern is not him having her overnight per se. It's about at this time in his life he cannot provide an appropriate environment for her for overnight on a school night.

And my reason for asking here about it is I am trying to check myself and be balanced on her seeing him and having appropriate contact but I just feel this is not in her best interests for him to both behave like this and have her in this situation.

OP posts:

GeneLovesJezebel · 25/02/2022 07:24

Have you spoken to school and the School Nurse about the situation ?

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 25/02/2022 08:39

Mh still isnt an excuse for neglect, although its a good sign that he is getting help. Can you start mediation?

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 25/02/2022 08:43

Yabu not to have asked the police for a welfare check. His mh isn't great, he takes meds and they share a bed. All wouldn't sit well with a judge if he is putting his needs to have dd there above a pre arranged schedule. You are entitled to have good mh too. Not be sat worrying about your dd because he chooses to keep her without arrangement..

RedCandyApple · 25/02/2022 08:50

He doesn't have a bed for himself so where is she sleeping? SS deem not having a dedicated bed for a child neglect

What a load of rubbish, plenty of parents co sleep including myself

GeneLovesJezebel · 25/02/2022 10:16

He is sharing an air bed with her, and it has deflated twice.
It’s in the thread if you read it.

Clymene · 25/02/2022 10:20

@RedCandyApple

He doesn't have a bed for himself so where is she sleeping? SS deem not having a dedicated bed for a child neglect

What a load of rubbish, plenty of parents co sleep including myself

But she doesn't want to Co sleep with him on deflating air bed

RedCandyApple · 25/02/2022 10:28

I’m commenting on the “child not having their own bed is neglect” it isn’t and that’s a load of rubbish, plenty of parents give up their bed for their child and sleep on the sofa because there isn’t room for 2 beds, plenty of parents co sleep.

TyrannosaurusRights · 25/02/2022 10:37

Go the legal route. Having it pinned down now doesn’t mean it can’t evolve if you both/all agree later. It just means your child has a solid framework of what she can expect.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 25/02/2022 11:53

Actually during our dc access arrangement Cafcass did indeed say dc have to have their own bed.. Not necessarily own room but own bed and own storage for clothes and personal items.

RedCandyApple · 25/02/2022 11:54

And I’ve had ss involvement due to my daughters disability and they knew my daughter co slept and they never once questioned it let alone claimed it to be neglect!

Clymene · 25/02/2022 12:01

@RedCandyApple

And I’ve had ss involvement due to my daughters disability and they knew my daughter co slept and they never once questioned it let alone claimed it to be neglect!

Does she have a bed she could go to if she chooses?

RedCandyApple · 25/02/2022 12:03

No she doesn’t, ss didn’t question this and are not concerned by it at all. You said a child not having their own bed is “neglect” which is offensive to people that co sleep, and is the norm in many other countries around the world, whilst the ops situation with her ex isn’t ideal a child not having a bed in itself isn’t neglect.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 25/02/2022 13:27

Ss told me my dc prob had a nice time when sex offender relative played x box in their bedroom at exh's house...
Cafcass are court ordered.

Different altogether

RedCandyApple · 25/02/2022 13:42

But op isn’t going through court and said she doesn’t want to so I’m commenting on the “ss would say a child not having a bed is neglect” isn’t actually true....

fortunenookie · 25/02/2022 18:57

Did she get to school then OP?
Hope all is ok

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