Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Can I just stop doing this?

42 replies

nicegirl73 · 19/02/2022 11:54

Two of my children are now teens and my youngest is 11, I split from their dad when youngest was 1.
He moved back to his mum after a short time and that’s 2.5 (on a good drive) hrs each way.
Over the years we have met halfway or done one journey each but he has had a crazy amount of accidents and speeding fines and has lost his licence.
Now I have to do all the driving, either drive up and have a hotel for the night and then take them home or go up drop them and then drive back up a few days later to collect them
Either way that’s more than £100 I’m paying plus how exhausted driving is making me nowadays.

Would I be totally unreasonable to say that I’m not doing this again if their dad doesn’t cover my fuel at the very least?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

NuffSaidSam · 19/02/2022 11:57

I think you'd be unreasonable to just cut them off completely, but not unreasonable to discuss with him/them alternative arrangements. Maybe he could get the train to somewhere nearer to you? Or you could put the children on the train or a coach one end and he collects the other?

Bakewelltart987 · 19/02/2022 12:02

You do all the leg work plus bringing dc up the least he can do is pay for fuel. If I was you tho I'd be telling him he takes the train to come see them he can get himself a b an b over night so he has more time to see them. Why should it fall to you to sort.

Bakewelltart987 · 19/02/2022 12:06

Dc are also old enough to understand there dad needs to do his fair share so if they don't see him it's on dad's head not yours.
My Ds dad drives 4 hours every 3rd weekend to pick our ds up its the least he can do given I do everything else for our ds.
Ds knows if dad can't make it that's not my fault.

TyrannysaurusXXrightshoarder · 19/02/2022 12:08

He can get the train.

RedCandyApple · 19/02/2022 12:08

Yes I would stop but I wouldn’t have done it in the first place!

RedCandyApple · 19/02/2022 12:09

@NuffSaidSam

He cut himself off by losing his license. Not ops problem.

NuffSaidSam · 19/02/2022 12:15

He cut himself off by losing his license. Not ops problem.

I wouldn't want my DC cut off like that. It's not their fault their Dad is an idiot.

Original poster

nicegirl73 · 19/02/2022 12:57

@NuffSaidSam when mine were little I used to think like that but they are rapidly approaching adulthood and I am sick of doing absolutely everything

OP posts:

Original poster

nicegirl73 · 19/02/2022 12:58

@RedCandyApple yes this is how I feel too

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 19/02/2022 13:02

[quote nicegirl73]@NuffSaidSam when mine were little I used to think like that but they are rapidly approaching adulthood and I am sick of doing absolutely everything[/quote]
I absolutely agree you shouldn't carry on doing it. But I wouldn't 'just stop doing it', I'd help the kids to find an alternative. Help them find the best bus/train route. Their dad should pay for it, but if he can't I'd offer to pay half. I just think until they actually are adults you should help them to maintain a relationship with their other parent. Eleven is still a fair way from being an adult really.

Original poster

nicegirl73 · 19/02/2022 14:15

Train involves 3-4 hours, going into London, taking the tube or a long walk and then taking another train, two of my kids hate London and the underground so that’s not gonna be an option.

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 19/02/2022 14:18

@nicegirl73

Train involves 3-4 hours, going into London, taking the tube or a long walk and then taking another train, two of my kids hate London and the underground so that’s not gonna be an option.

He gets the train to you?

You drive them to the nearest station? Or any station that's half way? You don't have to go into London, drive out instead.

I just think if you driving them is the only way they can see their Dad, you would be unreasonable to cut them off with no other option.

TheBigDilemma · 19/02/2022 14:19

@NuffSaidSam

He cut himself off by losing his license. Not ops problem.

I wouldn't want my DC cut off like that. It's not their fault their Dad is an idiot.

You can’t and shouldn’t make up for an idiot. It is not good for the children either, it portrays a very distorted view of reality and reality sooner or later catches up with the children.

RishiRich · 19/02/2022 14:19

Yes, you can just stop. Tell their dad that this weekend is the last time you're doing the drive and it's now up to him to sort out how he gets to them/they get to him and back.

TheBigDilemma · 19/02/2022 14:20

But going navy to what was your original question… you are right, the least your children’s dad can do is covering the cost of your petrol.

TheBigDilemma · 19/02/2022 14:21

Navy? That’s the auto correct of “back” according to my phone…

titchy · 19/02/2022 14:22

Drive them to a station that's halfway and avoids London.

NuffSaidSam · 19/02/2022 14:25

You can’t and shouldn’t make up for an idiot. It is not good for the children either, it portrays a very distorted view of reality and reality sooner or later catches up with the children.

You can and should make sure your DC have contact with both parents where possible and appropriate. It is good for children to maintain contact with both parents (unless in the case of abuse etc. obviously). The harm of losing contact with a parent is greater than the risk of them suffering a 'distorted view of reality'. Children will grow up and understand who did what for them in their childhood.

RedCandyApple · 19/02/2022 14:27

@NuffSaidSam

You can’t and shouldn’t make up for an idiot. It is not good for the children either, it portrays a very distorted view of reality and reality sooner or later catches up with the children.

And what is the father doing to make sure he remains in contact? Nothing by the looks of it!

NuffSaidSam · 19/02/2022 14:31

And what is the father doing to make sure he remains in contact? Nothing by the looks of it!

From what I understand from the OP, he has done half the driving for the past ten years, but has recently lost his license.

So now he is unable to contribute by driving and the OP has found herself doing all the driving.

So they need a new solution. Her driving the kids to a station and putting them on the train for the rest of the journey seems a reasonable one to me.

Pixiedust1234 · 19/02/2022 14:34

I would give him one month to sort out alternatives that doesn't involve your time or money in any way. If he can't physically see his child through his own recklessness then we do have zoom and facetime now. He needs to step up and be an adult and a father.

NuffSaidSam · 19/02/2022 14:34

But, even if he hadn't been doing his fair share, it's about what's best for the children. If it's in the children's best interests then you make it work, same with any other parenting issue.

Pixiedust1234 · 19/02/2022 14:50

@NuffSaidSam

But, even if he hadn't been doing his fair share, it's about what's best for the children. If it's in the children's best interests then you make it work, same with any other parenting issue.

its not best for the children to have an exhausted mother who might even end up having an accident with them in it. Tiredness kills. Also she could be using that extra £100 to spend directly on the children. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions and not make others suffer for them. Its on him, not her, to figure it out.

NuffSaidSam · 19/02/2022 14:56

its not best for the children to have an exhausted mother who might even end up having an accident with them in it. Tiredness kills.

Of course not! That's why the train seems a good solution.

I don't think anyone has suggested that the OP carry on with things the way they are. Maybe re-read the thread?

But with regards to the £100. She is spending that directly on the DC, by using it to get them to their Dad.

It's on both parents to do the best they can for their children. Unfortunately, if one parent is shit the other one has to pick up the slack. You can't punish the children because they're in the unfortunate position of only having one responsible parent.

TheBigDilemma · 19/02/2022 15:38

@NuffSaidSam

And what is the father doing to make sure he remains in contact? Nothing by the looks of it!

From what I understand from the OP, he has done half the driving for the past ten years, but has recently lost his license.

So now he is unable to contribute by driving and the OP has found herself doing all the driving.

So they need a new solution. Her driving the kids to a station and putting them on the train for the rest of the journey seems a reasonable one to me.

Even if he lost the licence recently he needs to balance things with OP like paying for the petrol at least. Unless you think she has to do everything because… he is a man?

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread