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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Can I just stop doing this?

42 replies

nicegirl73 · 19/02/2022 11:54

Two of my children are now teens and my youngest is 11, I split from their dad when youngest was 1.
He moved back to his mum after a short time and that’s 2.5 (on a good drive) hrs each way.
Over the years we have met halfway or done one journey each but he has had a crazy amount of accidents and speeding fines and has lost his licence.
Now I have to do all the driving, either drive up and have a hotel for the night and then take them home or go up drop them and then drive back up a few days later to collect them
Either way that’s more than £100 I’m paying plus how exhausted driving is making me nowadays.

Would I be totally unreasonable to say that I’m not doing this again if their dad doesn’t cover my fuel at the very least?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

NuffSaidSam · 19/02/2022 15:56

Even if he lost the licence recently he needs to balance things with OP like paying for the petrol at least. Unless you think she has to do everything because… he is a man?

In the very post you've quoted I've said they need a new solution and suggested she take them to a train station instead of doing that drive.

In every post I've made, I've said they need an alternative solution.

Where then, have you got the idea that I think she should do everything because he is a man? Or that she should carry on as they are?

It's just basic reading comprehension!

TheBigDilemma · 19/02/2022 16:15

Read my posts then. I suggested that the least he can do is paying for the petrol. Your posts suggest OP has to cover for him regardless. He needs to be a responsible parent not pretend to be one while OP does all the legwork.

caranations · 19/02/2022 16:17

@NuffSaidSam

You can’t and shouldn’t make up for an idiot. It is not good for the children either, it portrays a very distorted view of reality and reality sooner or later catches up with the children.

You can and should make sure your DC have contact with both parents where possible and appropriate. It is good for children to maintain contact with both parents (unless in the case of abuse etc. obviously). The harm of losing contact with a parent is greater than the risk of them suffering a 'distorted view of reality'. Children will grow up and understand who did what for them in their childhood.

Yes, which is why it's about time their dad started to make an effort instead of leaving it all to the OP.

NuffSaidSam · 19/02/2022 16:20

@TheBigDilemma

I don't know how multiple posts saying 'you need a new solution' suggests I think they don't need a new solution tbh.

NuffSaidSam · 19/02/2022 16:21

Yes, which is why it's about time their dad started to make an effort instead of leaving it all to the OP.

Of course. Not sure anyone is disagreeing with this?

OMGItsEarly · 19/02/2022 16:23

@nicegirl73

Train involves 3-4 hours, going into London, taking the tube or a long walk and then taking another train, two of my kids hate London and the underground so that’s not gonna be an option.

Look up national express or other coaches.

I wasn’t sure these still existed tbh but recently looked up one for DH. Very cheap!

wildseas · 19/02/2022 16:30

I wouldn’t cut contact completely but I might alter it so that it suited me better.

So, for example, I might offer 6 full weeks a year with you driving them to his, plus unlimited contact in your home town if he wants to get train and Airbnb. Or something similar to reduce the faff and cost of the regular drive.

Kennykenkencat · 19/02/2022 16:36

Just because he has lost his licence doesn’t mean he isn’t completely immobile.

There are trains and coaches and airbnbs
Or just paying for the fuel and bnb for their mother to bring them.

Sounds like he isn’t very proactive and relies on everyone else to take care of him.

Original poster

nicegirl73 · 19/02/2022 22:06

@NuffSaidSam “ But with regards to the £100. She is spending that directly on the DC, by using it to get them to their Dad.”

Rubbish!!!! I’m actually sick of spending all my money picking up his slack.
My boys are 14 and 16 now and my daughter isn’t all that keen visiting her dad as they don’t really do much there.

OP posts:

Original poster

nicegirl73 · 19/02/2022 22:14

@Kennykenkencat yes exactly this

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 20/02/2022 00:23

[quote nicegirl73]@NuffSaidSam “ But with regards to the £100. She is spending that directly on the DC, by using it to get them to their Dad.”

Rubbish!!!! I’m actually sick of spending all my money picking up his slack.
My boys are 14 and 16 now and my daughter isn’t all that keen visiting her dad as they don’t really do much there.[/quote]
Of course you are and rightly so.

But you ARE spending that money on the children. Getting them to their dad is important for them and you're spending your money on that. I'm sure they'll appreciate that when they're older. They'll know who did what.

I mean you're not exactly spending that money on yourself are you?! It's not for your benefit! You're spending it on your kids.

Graphista · 20/02/2022 00:36

he has had a crazy amount of accidents and speeding fines and has lost his licence.

His own fault entirely surely

Paying for fuel is the very LEAST he can do!

I bent over backwards to maintain dds contact with ex as I was the one that moved away first (he was army and also moved less than 6 months later) paid all the costs did all the graft. It was not appreciated by ex!

Reached a point I could no longer do it financially or practically and so I stopped - there were other factors too.

Result was he simply didn't bother to even try and stay in contact with dd not even by phone!

Why can't he travel to where you are and stay in a premier inn or similar and see the kids during the days? Or an air bnb and have the kids overnight there?

The harm of losing contact with a parent is greater than the risk of them suffering a 'distorted view of reality'.

Where's your evidence for this?

My dd is now an adult and well aware of what the situation was then as now and what her father is like. She has suffered but not at my hand!

Unfortunately, if one parent is shit the other one has to pick up the slack.

Not by knackering/bankrupting themselves!

Rainbowqueeen · 20/02/2022 00:41

Has he even offered to pay?

How long has he lost his licence for?

Id say you can’t continue and see what solutions he comes up with.
Off the top of my head - he could come and stay in your city for the weekend and see the DC there, he could take them for longer periods over all the holidays, he could see if he could get rides as a passenger in someone’s car, he could move to your city for a while if he works from home

But I would not continue. Your kids need a functioning happy mum and they need a dad who takes responsibility for his actions

HollowTalk · 20/02/2022 00:58

I would wait to see what solution he comes up with and if it is anything that cost you time and effort and money then just say no actually that isn't the solution. There are no consequences to his behaviour and that is really not good for anybody.

I think he should come up by train and spend the day with the kids.

CandyLeBonBon · 20/02/2022 10:15

What do your kids want to do op? What's their opinion?

DogsAndGin · 20/02/2022 10:33

Nightmare. Tell him to get the train

Geranium1984 · 20/02/2022 10:35

Sounds like an awful lot of driving for the poor kids too. And your weekend has to revolve around driving and staying over.
Can you at least negotiate that every 2nd time he makes the effort to travel and stay in your town?
He's the one that moved away and then lost his licence.

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