Daughter never gets angry or loses her temper.

[Runkeeprunning]

I know it sounds great but it’s not normal. Dd 10 has literally not lost her temper in 5?6?7? Years? In which time she has lived through a divorce with her Dad ( amicable and sees him all the time) moving into a blended family and unfortunately seeing a lot of shouting and bad behaviour from her stepfather and I. Another story that one but it’s been bloody hard. As ridiculous as it sounds I want her to just show some anger when life dosent go her way. She just gets quiet and sad. It breaks my heart. I don’t know what to do to make her feel more comfortable expressing herself. I’m worried I’ve gone her irreparable damage. I try and talk to her about it but she shuts down. The shouting that she has been around is not usually at her ( although I definitely do lose it at her when I’m stressed) and she adores her stepfather and him her. It’s mostly me losing my shit as work too much / life stressors/ money problems. Would love to hear if anyone has experienced similar or was the same as a child. It’s devastating to think I could have damaged her self esteem in this way.

DS1 (17) is the same. The only time I remember him losing his temper was during year 6 SATs week. I've never considered its unusual, he just placid.

The shouting that she has been around is not usually at her ( although I definitely do lose it at her when I’m stressed

Its this. She doesn't show her frustration because she is scared she will be shouted at. You should start trying to regulate how you vent your frustration and who its aims at.

She cant speak to you because she probably feels you cant take what she has to say. You need to really really look at your own behaviour and see if you can rewind the damage done.

Kids are actually very forgiving, shower her with love and sensitivity, ask her what her opinion is on things and show her that her opinions are valid. Don't shout at her if you are struggling with stuff - remind you're self that she isn't your venting tool. You are going to have to spend a lot of time showing her that you are safe, self regulated and dependable person.

I would also spend a lot of time out of the house - alone together - exploring woods, beaches, walks, waterfalls to create better memories and get to know the real side of each other and try and form a friendship that is beyond a mother and daughter relationship.

I have three daughters. My first daughter I was very young when I had her - teenager. So I made many many fuck ups along the way as I was emotionally immature. By the time she was 16 I could see that the majority of the issues we were going through was because of how I reacted around her. I was able to pull it back though through lots of hard work and really centring her importance to me.

your**

Wow! I feel like my DC are always angry with me. It is so draining. i'm a single parent too btw.

Some of it is temperament though. I would say I'm less quick to feel outraged. They are constantly outraged. If we run out of milk they're outraged. I would just think oh shit, gotta go and get milk

I don’t think my daughter is placid. It just seems a bit like she’s dosent feel like she has the right to make a fuss. Actually very similar to how I was as a child. I’m very different now though.

I haven't lost my temper ever. I'm in mid thirties. DH is the same. It's a wonderful easygoing way to live!
If things are tough I am sad. I allow a bit of time to feel sad, then work at tackling the problem/grieving the loss, and carry on, all without feeling like losing my temper. Sometimes I feel angry inside, but am capable of taking a mental deep breath and thinking "yelling won't solve this".

I'm not criticising those who are affected by anger, or find it helpful to express it! Just saying there's more than one way to process bad things. Maybe your DD just is different to you?

Well they do say that there's usually a 'truer' emotion behind anger, so if you're in touch with that emotion and identify it before it gets confused with anger then maybe ........... you don't feel anger.
I feel anger and then later realise it was frustration, powerlessness, an injustice..

My DH was like this and as an adult has spent time reading up and having therapy to help him "get in touch with his anger". I very much encouraged this as it was becoming problematic for him.

In some ways it's good... in others it's annoying as he is more like to say something whe he is annoyed or cross with me 😂

I would suggest exploring ways to get "in touch with her feelings" in general. Rather than focusing specifically on this area so it doesn't raise any flags with her

I’m actually quite like this- v v rarely lose my temper. I wish I did more but I admit I’m scared of the reaction- like it wouldn’t have been worth it and I would regret my outburst. I feel like I might not follow through with my boundaries because of this.
I’m a teacher and also rarely lose my temper in class (secondary) but I actually think that’s a good thing.

My son is 9 and I can only really remember him having one temper tantrum when he was around 2.. he just doesn’t let things get to him I guess, it’s just his “nature”

I think it's personality. DS9 is like me, we have short tempers (I know its not good; I'm working on it). DD6 is more like her dad, they rarely show anger but will go quiet and withdraw when upset.

My DS is 18 and has only lost his temper once (very long car journey and everyone else in the car singing the same pop song over and over again even though he said he hated it).

She is only 10, lots of time to step up by making a bigger effort not to shout. Support whatever she is interested in, do something together that she enjoys.

When my DD was very small, maybe 3 my DH said he thought I favoured her brother. I was shocked but I was more careful how I treated her. Looking back I can see my DD was very able and I held her to a higher standard than her older brother who had speech delay. DD and I are so close now its one of the things in life that gives me the deepest pleasure. Anyway my point is we all mess up as parents at some point but it can be turned around.

“ moving into a blended family and unfortunately seeing a lot of shouting and bad behaviour from her stepfather and I.”

This sounds pretty toxic to witness and damaging to a child - can you give any more details? Seems likely growing with up with this causes issues plus you shouting..

It can be her personality, but given that you do get angry, I imagine she finds anger to be very scary and tries to repress it in herself and avoid situations where you are angry.

I think it's time for you to be really honest with yourself about how you are when you're angry.

There being a different emotions behind anger is very much something I’m very aware of. Life been very very complicated in recent years and the frustration and just fucking relentlessness of it all drags me down. I work way way way too many hours (healthcare) which is hard on me mentally & physically. I need the money though as no plan B. Trying to navigate 2 jobs /studying/ ex / school drop offs / pick ups / blended family/ being a partner/ mum. Even eating for gods sake. Failing miserably at all of them.. and so shouting. Then I feel guilty about the environment my daughter is growing up in. It sounds terribly grim but my partner is full of joy & when everything is calm it’s a happy noisy house. I agree with earlier poster about walks & quality time together but it is so hard to find time & the years are flying by.
Jesus sorry for the whinging

@Grinnypiggy

I haven't lost my temper ever. I'm in mid thirties. DH is the same. It's a wonderful easygoing way to live! If things are tough I am sad. I allow a bit of time to feel sad, then work at tackling the problem/grieving the loss, and carry on, all without feeling like losing my temper. Sometimes I feel angry inside, but am capable of taking a mental deep breath and thinking "yelling won't solve this".

I'm not criticising those who are affected by anger, or find it helpful to express it! Just saying there's more than one way to process bad things. Maybe your DD just is different to you?

Did you really think think this would be a helpful thing to say?

unfortunately seeing a lot of shouting and bad behaviour from her stepfather and I

my partner is full of joy & when everything is calm it’s a happy noisy house

Your partner isn't full of joy if he's shouting and behaving badly some of the time.

If I were your daughter I'd be walking on eggshells during those happy times, just waiting for the first angry voice.

I always always say sorry to her though if I shout. Explain that it is unacceptable behaviour on my behalf. I’m trying really hard to keep it together when kids are here. Her SF and I argued a lot last year & unfortunately the kids heard us several times. We are both ashamed of this and have a pact to never let it happen again. I’ve given up alcohol as although not an addict it definitely dosent help when there is tension. I’m just hoping that all this & some therapy I’m doing can in turn help my parenting skills and therefore my daughter. ( Handily enough my job entails learning lots different therapies and strategies to help in these situations)

I was like this growing up. Basically my parents hated each other, my older siblings were struggling in different ways, misbehaving, drinking etc and I felt I couldn't show any negative emotion as I didn't want to be blamed for everyone else's fallout.

I now really struggle to tell people how I'm really feeling, if I have had a bereavement I try and pretend it's fine as I don't want others to be burdened by me.

Of course everyone in my family thinks I have been unscathed by the shit show that was my childhood.

Perhaps when you’re repairing with her and apologising after shouting try saying “I’ve got big feelings, I felt angry because of X. it’s ok to feel angry and I need to work on how I express that more. I’m sorry if you felt scared , it’s ok to feel scared too.” She needs to know it’s ok to be angry and you can model that for her in a positive way.

I was going to suggest some coping skills - for you. (curious what job you do! I teach some parenting type courses but on a 0 hours contract.)

Also if her SF and you are always shouting - what is going on? Are you okay? This sounds like it could be part of the problem?

You probably know from your work that witnessing abuse/ shouting etc can have the same effect on a child as experiencing it?

Does she have someone at school she can talk to? Pastoral worker or similar?

I think you will get quite a few posts from people about quiet children without realising what is going on for you. You definitely don't want her growing up afraid to say what is going on for her. Are there 1-1 things/activities you can do with her to keep that bond?

Its great you are having therapy, and even posting here shows you are wanting to do the right thing. Well done (meant sincerely! I know it can be so hard) and good luck .

There is something messed up here.

You DD seems calm, rationale and gas an ability to process her emotions. Alternatively, she may not feel.she has a choice in a household were others shout regularly l.

You in the other hand, seem to want her to shout. Maybe she wants to you stop shouting. I think it might he more beneficial to focus on improving your behaviour before looking at hers.

Neither of mine (10 or 7) ever really display anger. I've certainly never heard either of them shout unless it's part of a game or sport, throw things, sulk, slam doors etc. The 10 year old never has done, don't think I've seen them angry since they were two or three. The 7 year old outgrew it a few years ago although did seem to get worked up on occasion especially when playing sports. They both are able to verbalise their feelings to me, and both do get sad/teary, but I'm similar, I don't often get angry and when I do it's f\a flash that lasts a minute until I start to mentally process it. I wouldn't assume anything is wrong, I think there are plenty of people for whom anger is a rare emotion, especially children and if she has an open dialogue with you about her feelings generally then you know she is feeling, she's just a chilled person.

I was quiet as a child and people would think I didn’t get angry. I did but didn’t show it. I worried about my mum and her mental health, I was aware of all the stresses in the home, lack of money, lack of time, mum working lots of hours etc. I carried all that as well so couldn’t show how I felt.
When the adults around you are shouting due to stress it’s scary. You withdraw, not to the point of being sad, staying in bed etc, but you don’t show what is going on for you, how you are feeling, what you need. You don’t want to add to the stress.
Children are very self centred and learn how to protect themselves, not showing anger can be a sign of that.

I don’t want her to start shouting as suggested above to fit in with the rest of us. I just want her to feel able to express her feelings without fear. Which as a lot of you have pointed out she probably can’t as it’s been high conflict for a while. People asking what’s going on it’s just blending two families with two very different lifestyles. Luckily the kids are all amazing & get on very well. His ex however is not amazing and is going out of her way to make things hard for us. She says and does some awful things which impacts us. She has some mental health issues that are not managed well. I had a very amicable divorce and have a lot of respect for my ex so am struggling with the situation. My partner is also struggling as he has to manage all of it and protect his children.
Someone else pointed out that witnessing this drama is as bad as experiencing it and they are absolutely right. I do work with people who grew up in horrendous situations (a lot lot more going on than shouting!) and I’m genuinely trying to improve on this stuff and appreciate your thoughts.