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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

I wish I hadn't had children

27 replies

0828GCL · 16/01/2022 17:02

I have recently gone through a breakup with DCs dad and honestly, they just feel like such a burden now.
I know some would cut off a limb for children - I know because I was one of yhos people too, struggled to conceive and wanted to be a mum more than anything.
But my god I'm so sick of the incessant questions, mess, needs, screaming, tantrums. Having to constantly be putting others first, when I just want to focus on myself and moving on.
I feel awful but I'm finding the time with my kids tedious, boring, exhausting, repetitive, dull. And I look forward to my days without them SO much! They just feel like a complete block to me living my life the way I want.
I have spoken to a couple of friends who think I might be depressed, but I don't feel at all down, it's more I feel irritated and begrudged.
I don't let it show and get out with them all the time and do all the "right" things. But my god, I really really wish I hadn't had them now.
Has anyone any advice or in a similar position? Is there something wrong with me?!

OP posts:
Icantremembermyusername · 16/01/2022 17:06

How old are they?
I used to fantasise about a night alone in the local Premier Inn or a mild injury which meant I had to stay in hospital for a couple of days!

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 16/01/2022 17:07

You didn't mention how old they are?

Some ages can be tedious, indeed and there is nothing wrong with finding some parenting stages boring and thankless. It gets better, when they grow up.

Irritation can be a symptom of depression, so do have a chat with your GP.

CarlatheJackal · 16/01/2022 17:07

Sounds like depression to me, OP

CherryAndAlmond · 16/01/2022 17:08

There's nothing wrong with you. You're in the process of readjusting your whole life, learning how to make things work as a single parent, presumably negotiating things with their father. It's a lot to deal with so it's not surprising you're irritable. For about a year after DH died I felt like this, and on and off since then, when I'm under stress. But it does pass. Do some lovely things for you, have some fun activities with them. It will settle.

Dillydollydingdong · 16/01/2022 17:08

How old are they? They will grow up quickly, I promise. Before you know it, they'll be adults. It just seems like you blink, and that's it, no more children. And I'm sure you'll be glad you had them. There's nothing wrong with you. It IS boring looking after children, but you'll manage. Have you got parents, other relatives, DH's parents who could share the load?

OneGlamMama · 16/01/2022 17:09

I have a 3 year old and I honestly could have written this post girl. I'm with ya WineCakeThanks

I relate to the bad moms movie where they say "I wish I could get into a car accident to be in hospital. Not enough injury to be severe but enough to need a few days rest"

You're not alone! 😂

owlsanctuarydate · 16/01/2022 17:09

@CarlatheJackal

Sounds like depression to me, OP
I don't think not liking your children is a sign of mental illness. Solidarity to you OP.
Flamingo49 · 16/01/2022 17:10

I could have written your post. Nothing to offer but solidarity! I feel like I'm in survival mode every day, and I sometimes dread the weekends. I feel angry all the time and struggle so much to keep it in. Every time I keep calm, smile, don't shout I congratulate myself internally.

MissConductUS · 16/01/2022 17:11

Your friends might be right. Anger, irritability and resentment all manifest in depression:

www.verywellmind.com/connection-between-depression-and-anger-5085725

I don't think anything is wrong with you. I think at least some of your reaction is situational, given the hard times you are having and your disappointment that you're now a single parent.

Can you access any form of counseling, even just online? Just talking it out and venting with someone can be helpful.

How old are the kids?

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 16/01/2022 17:12

I don't think not liking your children is a sign of mental illness. Solidarity to you OP

No, but irritability can be. There is no shame in depression, and it's worth having all possibilities looked into. There is help for that.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 16/01/2022 17:30

Being a single parent is very different to having a partner and it’s a fucking huge adjustment. Doesn’t mean OP is depressed ffs, it’s a very difficult and strange period of time.

RedCandyApple · 16/01/2022 18:23

At the risk of being judged I often feel the same. I didn’t set out to being a single parent and if I knew I would be I wouldn’t have had children.

PurpleSneakers · 16/01/2022 23:12

What does living your life the way you want look like to you @0828GCL? Being realistic, what is one small thing that you can change that will make it more like living life the way you want?

Original poster
0828GCL · 18/01/2022 09:59

Sorry for going quiet, and thanks to everyone that has replied.
DC are 4 and 1 so it is quite a demanding time. I feel like I'm unable to take my 4yo to things (swimming/cinema/playdates) as the 1yo has such different needs, and vice versa. Being on my own with them just changes the dynamic completely and I feel neither of them are getting what they need from me as I have to split myself in 2.
Then when they're in bed I spend my evening cleaning up the mess that's been created, wash dishes, do laundry, catch up on my actual job, fall into bed around midnight, only to be woken at 6am to 1 or both of them screaming, moaning, demanding again.
It's just so high octane, yet also so mundane and dull.
I just miss seeing friends, relaxing, going to the gym, weekends away.
I know it's selfish but I'm just not enjoying being a parent at all.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 18/01/2022 10:06

One day at a time
They will grow up
It will get easier in terms of them getting more independent
It is a hard slog
Is youngest in childcare?
Can you get a babysitter once a week for you to do something for you?

What s the alternative? Would you give them up for adoption?
(Thinking all scenarios might help see where you are at.)

Original poster
0828GCL · 18/01/2022 10:16

Thanks @Embracelife

They do stay with their dad 2 nights a week, and I am getting better at using that time to do something just for me (rather than cleaning etc), but it just goes so fast and then it's back to square one.
You're right, theres no alternative really, I wouldn't want to give up any more of my time with them. But it's just so thankless isn't it!

OP posts:
Embracelife · 18/01/2022 11:00

V good (lucky!) to have those 2 nights ,
Use for you

HailAdrian · 18/01/2022 11:06

You have 2 nights a week away from them? Interesting that you hate parenting but wouldn't give up more time with them, what's that all about?

Original poster
0828GCL · 18/01/2022 11:08

@HailAdrian

You have 2 nights a week away from them? Interesting that you hate parenting but wouldn't give up more time with them, what's that all about?
What's all that about? Well I love my children, believe it or not.
OP posts:
Embracelife · 18/01/2022 13:38

To be fair to hailadrian
You start saying it s all a drudge which it is ,speaking myself I had no nights off ever...not counting disabled ds respite.
But then you say you have two nights off a week
And imply could have more but won't
So, if it is too much you could ask dad to have them more days
Correct?

Embracelife · 18/01/2022 13:41

So why not go 50 50 so you more energised ?
At least presumably dad has them for say a full week kn holidays so you can look forward to that break ?
If you haVe that option
Why not?
Many lone parents do not.....

Lilianne2001 · 18/01/2022 14:56

@Embracelife

So why not go 50 50 so you more energised ? At least presumably dad has them for say a full week kn holidays so you can look forward to that break ? If you haVe that option Why not? Many lone parents do not.....
I agree. It very much speaks of martyrdom. OP, speak to your Ex and share the care 50/50, then you'll appreciate the time with your kids more.
RedCandyApple · 18/01/2022 15:57

I have to admit when I commented I assumed you was doing it all alone, 2 nights a week off I could only dream of that! If he’s willing to have them more and you hate it so much why not let him have them more.

PurpleSneakers · 19/01/2022 02:25

As someone else mentioned, it is a hard slog and I can understand that feeling of loving your kids but sometimes wishing you hadn't had them also, maybe just because life is so different and carefree before you have them?

So as you don't want to lose out on anymore time with them, what would make life better for you? And I know it can be hard, but could you include your kids in more of the things that you do want to do (or compromise a bit) - could they go on some walks with you, go to the creche at the gym, do some yoga with you at home, meet up with friends?

Magic 1,2,3 has worked well for my younger kids, and as your children are 1 and 4 years old, a variation of this could work really well. It gives you back a feeling of control in your parenting.

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 19/01/2022 02:28

Life is unrelenting drudgery at that age, and you’re doing it alone.

It does get better and easier. Flowers