I've lost control of son and coparenting over the holidays

[Canihavesomemore]

I'm feeling really raw, vulnerable and out of control and really need some help here. Im so sorry this is long but I need to give a timeline of events. Please be kind to me

Ex lives 10 mins walk away, we divorced last year and it's been gradually getting worse with comms, we now no longer speak and I am taking him to court for a financial order.i still try to however keep the peace and remain flexible and mature when it comes to childcare arrangements.

Finances are a long side story but I escaped a narcissist and he currently has the business I built with him, the assets, the beautiful work live studio and now a gf 16 years younger. Relevant because I'm broke, only 1 year on still recovering, can't afford fancy gifts and trying to make the most out of cold parks and play dates.

I am primary carer of our 10yr DS, ex sees him Tues after school for dinner and sat over night, despite being down the road this was his choice. He loves his son, they love each other but he loves himself a lot too..

Xmas fell on sat and so with no discussion plans were made starting Saturday morning, to not be confrontational I planned a dinner on Xmas eve with my single mum friend who has a similar age ds.

The gf likes gaming and Harry Potter it seems and DS keeps coming home to tell me about all the cool consoles she owns. Ds receives latest PlayStation and about 8 games for Xmas from ex.

My son announced he was attending dad's NYE party, (Friday) I didn't want to be difficult and I had no other plans and agreed

His father emailed about taking son to Harry Potter studios on 3rd, I agreed but raised the same courtesy should have been shown in regards to nye esp as it wasn't his day. I explained as I had no better alternative plans for ds it was OK to take him on both days (I think I was wrong to do this )

Ex swears my son claimed I had party plans and was dropping him at friends house so he thought it was a favour.

DS spends Fri NYE at dads
Doesn't answer phone on sat morning
Calls me Sat at 3pm to say on his way to grandmother and his dad assumed as it was sat he was staying over 2 nights. I am disappointed but think its a misunderstanding. I remind DS we have dinner plans with friends on sunday, In my mind I wanted to make up for lost time and also take him to the park on sun to play basketball

Sun I call, no answer. Ds calls at 1. Going for lunch with grandmother and already in the car??? Ds is rude when I raise my voice and lose my temper, and groans he will be back for dinner I hang up humiliated and hurt as I know this conversation happens in presence of ex and gf and I look like an insane ex wife.

He is home by 3. I Talk to ds about how he should consider my feelings and communicate with me and answer his phone. We go for dinner, no park its too late. I have had no quality time with ds.

Next day Harry Potter with dad and gf. He calls at 7 they just left the tour he is in the car and catches me off guard and says, mum you don't have plans for tomorrow right? I say nothing concrete, so he says OK- hey dad can I sleep at yours tonight ?

So another night at his dad's (last night) and I have never been away from ds so much. Its because of the PlayStation and fun girlfriend

I experience a cocktail of emotions ranging from range, to jealousy and pain and as much as I try to maintain composure I text his dad and say its been a pisstake week of my time being disrespected and if he does not want to liaise with me directly and clearly on childcare then I shall get a court order.

Ex replies, well he caught us both off guard and he obviously wanted to be with me.

3pm ds calls, I say I'm in aldi and will pick him up when done, ds says no dad will drop me, I say no ill pick you up, ds insists dad will drop him, I get frustrated and hang up.

Way back home and I tell ds ill be 5 mins from his dads
DS. Says but we agreed dad will drop me that was the plan, I say we'll I'm here, ds says that wasn't the plan. I lose my shit.

DS cries, I tell him if he doesn't want to come home ill pack his uniform and he can stay at dad's.

Ex calls me and says I'm being mean and it's bad for ds and its a misunderstanding. Cue crazy looking ex wife again and perfectly performed gaslighting. I pick ds up, he goes to room texts his dad. That he hates that I'm so mean.

I saw his phone. I got upset, irrational, I lost control and told him if he hates me so much he should go to his dad.

DS. Did not bat an eyelid packed and left 😔

I never shout I never lose my temper, and I did it 3x this week. I'm aware I felt jealous and lonely but my time was also being disregarded. I could have made plans to at least distract me this week. Instead I've driven a wedge between ds and I and ex looks like the saviour and I have lost control that I don't know how to reclaim. If you read this far, please help

DDs are 13 and 10.

It’s fun here - eldest goes every Saturday lunch to Sunday evening without fail. Youngest will go maybe once a month, if that.

However, in the holidays, all bets are off. They both spent a week there over Christmas.

This was communicated via me and my ex.

Not via me and my DC and their phones.

I may be feeling self absorded in the depth of how I'm feeling atm but that does not mean that is who I am. Genuinely I'm open to constructive criticism but some of it is just insensitive and I have acknowledged I'm struggling, was wrong and trying to deal with the emotions that I'm simply being honest about experiencing. I do want my son to see his dad, and they love each other and my op mentions they love each other. On the contrary if they see each other I can also in turn have a life. The problem is my entire week has been sitting home waiting for him to come home as expected...

I sent a message on the family chat. I'm trying to apologise, take accountability and ensure clarity.

DS I was wrong and sorry that I told you to go to dad's, that was a really bad call and i wish i hadn't said that and we had talked it out. I promise to never say that to you again because this is your home and not something that can be taken from you. We have had some misunderstandings we should discuss but I have also been missing you for a few days so I was disappointed that the time I expected to spend together before school started again never happened.

I'm pleased you have had a good holiday and that you and dad have spent some quality time together. You can always see your dad and stay at his, it's so important that you feel comfortable to do so but so that we don't have the types of mix ups that we had this week let's always make sure we stick to it that your dad and I agree to any arrangements being made directly with each other so you are not in the middle and when you sleep over call me in the morning and let me know your plans for the day ahead so I know what to expect. We both love you and want you to be happy. I hope you have a great day at school tomorrow and I'll see you after school.

Your son is just being 10 and wanting to do fun stuff. You reacted fair enough not ideally but with human emotions. I also bet you the child bride gets bored of the novelty of playing step mum and then your ex will be set on just seeing him twice a week again. X x x

Well done for sending the message to the group chat, OP.

I think something crucial to bear in mind is that 10 is still very young. And he needs a calm and happy atmospheric here as much as possible. He has to go to school tomorrow, so not going off out after 7.30 and having more potential emotion is probably best. He needs a good night's sleep.

He needs zero involvement in any rows between you and your ex.

As a boy, he's entering a v difficult time now - 10.5 to 12.5/13 yrs old. Many boys don't talk, and just stay in their rooms for pretty much 2 years 🙈 so expect to give him his space.

Try just to forget about this week and move on, and keep everything nice and calm and happy for your son. And look up some counselling. I'll see if I can find any links x

Gosh, well done for sending your message. Not easy when you are hurt and your ex has behaved poorly.

Her ex has not behaved poorly. He let his son stay when he wanted to, and he let his son in when his own mum kicked him out.

I don't know why you were getting angry and shouting at your son. Next time ask to speak to
His dad and don't engage with him about plans. He is a child he doesn't get to make the plans but he does get to say what he would like.

@Canihavesomemore

I may be feeling self absorded in the depth of how I'm feeling atm but that does not mean that is who I am. Genuinely I'm open to constructive criticism but some of it is just insensitive and I have acknowledged I'm struggling, was wrong and trying to deal with the emotions that I'm simply being honest about experiencing. I do want my son to see his dad, and they love each other and my op mentions they love each other. On the contrary if they see each other I can also in turn have a life. The problem is my entire week has been sitting home waiting for him to come home as expected...

I sent a message on the family chat. I'm trying to apologise, take accountability and ensure clarity.

DS I was wrong and sorry that I told you to go to dad's, that was a really bad call and i wish i hadn't said that and we had talked it out. I promise to never say that to you again because this is your home and not something that can be taken from you. We have had some misunderstandings we should discuss but I have also been missing you for a few days so I was disappointed that the time I expected to spend together before school started again never happened.

I'm pleased you have had a good holiday and that you and dad have spent some quality time together. You can always see your dad and stay at his, it's so important that you feel comfortable to do so but so that we don't have the types of mix ups that we had this week let's always make sure we stick to it that your dad and I agree to any arrangements being made directly with each other so you are not in the middle and when you sleep over call me in the morning and let me know your plans for the day ahead so I know what to expect. We both love you and want you to be happy. I hope you have a great day at school tomorrow and I'll see you after school.

I still feel like you are trying to involve your son too much. He's 10, let him be 10. You don't need to discuss anything with him. You apologize, tell him the adults will sort everything and get on with doing that. Stop it! Also, you describe a friendship but first and foremost you are mother and son. He had friends.

If you take this to court your son’s views/ wishes/ wants will be taken into account.
He might choose to live with his dad. Especially if you keep pressuring him like this. It’s not fair on him.

I feel so sad for you OP and I understand your pain.
I’m not separated so my DC are at home full time and I thank god for that. BUT they are 10, like your DS, and in the past few months I’ve noticed a change in them. They want to spend more time away from me, with friends, cousins, neighbours. They would drop me like a hot potato if something more exciting came up.
It’s hurtful and it makes me sad.
But it’s what they do.
It must be worse for you because your DP and his younger woman are in the mix. But your DS will dump them too! It’s normal.
Your role here is to stay calm and loving. To let him see his dad more if he wants to - important for him and good that they have a good relationship. To be the rock that your DS can rely on to always, always be there even as he starts to swim away.
And to start using this free time to strike out a bit more and find a life of your own. It might never be the same type of joy as when you were consumed with your young child, but you can find different types of happiness.
We all have to do it. Don’t let resentment of your DP damage your well-being. Be glad for your DS and congratulate yourself on raising a happy boy.
Good luck 💐

@stayathomegardener

Gosh, well done for sending your message. Not easy when you are hurt and your ex has behaved poorly.

Where exactly has he behaved poorly? He had a few plans/days out he was considering which he wanted his son to attend, he ran every single one of them past the op to make sure it was ok, and she agreed. It was their son who messaged the op asking to stay extra days with his dad on top of that which is what the op responded really poorly to. And she then basically kicked her 10yo son out and his dad immediately took him in. The boy was being a little bit insensitive not considering his mums feelings, but he’s a 10yo boy, the op is the adult. She should have responded to his text messages by contacting his father and asking him to stick to the original arrangements, instead of sending nasty guilt tripping messages to her son and then telling him to leave his own home! He’s going to feel even more unwanted now. And the ‘apology’ message was no apology at all, just more guilt tripping which is going to make the boy feel like crap. I could be wrong but I think it’ll take a lot for him to willingly come home after this

Hugs OP it’s tough.

Yes your reaction was not great, but hey, none of us are perfect and you want to put it right. That’s what matters. Your son isn’t going to stay mad at you for long when you try to resolve things, he won’t be forever scarred. It’s a blip, we have blips in relationships even with our kids.

You need to sort the communication with his dad though. Ideally sit down together, discuss why this happened and agree a plan. One where you both get to see him and spend time with him, where there is a schedule but additional time is fine but agree on how it’s done.

It’s hard when Disney dad arrives, with the games and fun days out etc whilst you are left doing all the day to day and emotional stuff. But your son is 10 and he will be fickle, kids are, they don’t appreciate the smaller stuff until later, the material stuff seems important at 10, but it won’t be important later in life so we have to keep going.

My ex bought a big house, booked fancy holidays, bought games etc and tries to play Disney dad taking them out etc too, my eldest sees through it but my DS can be much the same as yours and he’s 12.

It’s very frustrating for me and I have more recently now he’s a bit older had the chats about being respectful to people who do things for you that you might not recognise/appreciate so he can start to understand I am too doing my best and that’s different from his dad but what I do isn’t any less important. Your DS will realise this too, when he’s a bit older. For now you are going to have to take it on the chin a bit, when he wants to stay or do stuff simply try and say, I’m so glad your having fun, of course you can stay tonight, but I’d like you to come back tomorrow because I miss you and want to see you, we can watch … or play… he will respond much better to this and of course he wants to come home but he’s having fun. I liken it to when my DS goes to his mates house, he never wants to leave, he’s enjoying himself too much.

But I do all the important stuff, that matters in the long run, and I know that. He just won’t appreciate that until he’s a lot older. So for now i grit my teeth and let it happen. But I have also asked their dad not to make arrangements direct, to check first so I don’t look the bad person saying no if we already have plans but that may not be as exciting as what he’s offering as that’s only fair. His dad should do that too.

In your op you said how you lost control frequently. And for no good reason. Your behaviour wasnt good at all.

Then this We have had some misunderstandings we should discuss but I have also been missing you for a few days so I was disappointed that the time I expected to spend together before school started again never happened. i mean, come on. Read your op again and maybe highlight all the times you lost control. Do you blame him for wanting to be at his dad’s?

He is 10 fgs. He is not your emotional support.

Even when there is a regular contact schedule in place, there is normally extra contact up to 50% of school holidays.. eg me and ex alternate Christmas and new year’s, one week each. I know every family is different, but it might help you to have realistic expectations. And honestly? I don’t think that message was helpful / age appropriate for a ten year old. You need a space - outside your son - to process these feelings.. a friend, family member, or therapist.

I still feel like you are trying to involve your son too much. He's 10, let him be 10. You don't need to discuss anything with him. You apologize, tell him the adults will sort everything and get on with doing that.

Sorry OP, but I've got to agree with this.

I'm glad that you can see you were wrong in your reactions and have apologised, but I don't think you should be making your apologies about how much you've missed your son and wanted to spend quality time with him - tell that to his dad, not to him. He is only 10, he shouldn't have to feel guilty that he's not at home with mum or he's not seen his dad for a few days etc.

Re Christmas, did DS stay with his dad from Christmas Day all the way into the New Year? I would be upset if this was the case but it really should only have been communicated via his dad, not directly to DS.

Hope you managed to have a good chat with DS after school x

I think a lot of what has made this difficult for you OP is that it wasn't pre-arranged.
When you're a single parent with an ex who doesn't do more than high days and holidays you are always on call for your child and can't have much of a life of your own.
Because of the free time they have they are able to move on to a relationship in a way that practically speaking you may well not be.
You're a year in with this. It's the first time you've navigated Christmas so make a resolution that next year will be better and take this as a "how not to".
Agree contact between you in advance and ensure that you make plans for your time alone - I think this has really exacerbated the situation for you - you had alone time but without being able to use it productively for yourself because of the lack of notice/planning.

If this had all been agreed in advance you could have met friends, gone for dinner, had a swim or even just looked forward to an evening to yourself. Instead you were just left hanging.

My DD is 12 and hates being involved in arrangements nd is clear that she feels most secure when it's all agreed between the parents.

I've joined Meetup and so if friends aren't available I try to book to attend something (although there isn't much over the festive period).

Be kind to yourself and your son and hope your 2022 works out better.