I've lost control of son and coparenting over the holidays

[Canihavesomemore]

I'm feeling really raw, vulnerable and out of control and really need some help here. Im so sorry this is long but I need to give a timeline of events. Please be kind to me

Ex lives 10 mins walk away, we divorced last year and it's been gradually getting worse with comms, we now no longer speak and I am taking him to court for a financial order.i still try to however keep the peace and remain flexible and mature when it comes to childcare arrangements.

Finances are a long side story but I escaped a narcissist and he currently has the business I built with him, the assets, the beautiful work live studio and now a gf 16 years younger. Relevant because I'm broke, only 1 year on still recovering, can't afford fancy gifts and trying to make the most out of cold parks and play dates.

I am primary carer of our 10yr DS, ex sees him Tues after school for dinner and sat over night, despite being down the road this was his choice. He loves his son, they love each other but he loves himself a lot too..

Xmas fell on sat and so with no discussion plans were made starting Saturday morning, to not be confrontational I planned a dinner on Xmas eve with my single mum friend who has a similar age ds.

The gf likes gaming and Harry Potter it seems and DS keeps coming home to tell me about all the cool consoles she owns. Ds receives latest PlayStation and about 8 games for Xmas from ex.

My son announced he was attending dad's NYE party, (Friday) I didn't want to be difficult and I had no other plans and agreed

His father emailed about taking son to Harry Potter studios on 3rd, I agreed but raised the same courtesy should have been shown in regards to nye esp as it wasn't his day. I explained as I had no better alternative plans for ds it was OK to take him on both days (I think I was wrong to do this )

Ex swears my son claimed I had party plans and was dropping him at friends house so he thought it was a favour.

DS spends Fri NYE at dads
Doesn't answer phone on sat morning
Calls me Sat at 3pm to say on his way to grandmother and his dad assumed as it was sat he was staying over 2 nights. I am disappointed but think its a misunderstanding. I remind DS we have dinner plans with friends on sunday, In my mind I wanted to make up for lost time and also take him to the park on sun to play basketball

Sun I call, no answer. Ds calls at 1. Going for lunch with grandmother and already in the car??? Ds is rude when I raise my voice and lose my temper, and groans he will be back for dinner I hang up humiliated and hurt as I know this conversation happens in presence of ex and gf and I look like an insane ex wife.

He is home by 3. I Talk to ds about how he should consider my feelings and communicate with me and answer his phone. We go for dinner, no park its too late. I have had no quality time with ds.

Next day Harry Potter with dad and gf. He calls at 7 they just left the tour he is in the car and catches me off guard and says, mum you don't have plans for tomorrow right? I say nothing concrete, so he says OK- hey dad can I sleep at yours tonight ?

So another night at his dad's (last night) and I have never been away from ds so much. Its because of the PlayStation and fun girlfriend

I experience a cocktail of emotions ranging from range, to jealousy and pain and as much as I try to maintain composure I text his dad and say its been a pisstake week of my time being disrespected and if he does not want to liaise with me directly and clearly on childcare then I shall get a court order.

Ex replies, well he caught us both off guard and he obviously wanted to be with me.

3pm ds calls, I say I'm in aldi and will pick him up when done, ds says no dad will drop me, I say no ill pick you up, ds insists dad will drop him, I get frustrated and hang up.

Way back home and I tell ds ill be 5 mins from his dads
DS. Says but we agreed dad will drop me that was the plan, I say we'll I'm here, ds says that wasn't the plan. I lose my shit.

DS cries, I tell him if he doesn't want to come home ill pack his uniform and he can stay at dad's.

Ex calls me and says I'm being mean and it's bad for ds and its a misunderstanding. Cue crazy looking ex wife again and perfectly performed gaslighting. I pick ds up, he goes to room texts his dad. That he hates that I'm so mean.

I saw his phone. I got upset, irrational, I lost control and told him if he hates me so much he should go to his dad.

DS. Did not bat an eyelid packed and left 😔

I never shout I never lose my temper, and I did it 3x this week. I'm aware I felt jealous and lonely but my time was also being disregarded. I could have made plans to at least distract me this week. Instead I've driven a wedge between ds and I and ex looks like the saviour and I have lost control that I don't know how to reclaim. If you read this far, please help

Bumping for you

Honestly. I think you're projecting the feelings of jealousy onto your DC. Take a step back. Don't drag him into the conflict or make DC feel torn between you. It's been the school holidays, he's had fun and he's happy. Surely that's the most important thing.

Think of what's best for DS. He was having fun with his father. I'm not sure why you turned the return home into a battle of you or his father doing pick up/drop off?
Your son loves you both, please don't make him pick sides.

This is a temporary blip in an otherwise solid and loving relationship between you and DS? The holidays are stressful at the best of times, let it go and get back on track for the first day of school. Rise above your ex and the novelty of your DS staying there. Once the holidays are over I'm sure ds will want to be back with you in a safe and familiar routine. You can do this

1. You are his Mum. He doesn’t need fancy expensive gifts from you. He will always love you because you are his Mum.
2. But he could resent be upset with you if you keep losing it with him over contact with his Dad. You are making him choose between his Mum and his Dad. That’s an impossible choice for a child and he is only 10.
3. As boys grow up their Dads become more and more important to them and although Mum is also there your influence reduces and they love you but look to their Dad for guidance in how to be a man (I have two teenage DS and have watched this happen)
4. Draw a line under this - if it’s wet and cold do nice things at home with your DS. Eg watch a film he likes together with hot chocolate, play a board game, talk about a subject he is interested in (my boys love to talk about gaming). There are many free activities you can do at home with a 10 year old son.
5. Remember he really loves you so much because you are his Mum.

Thanks, I'm willing to take that on board and maybe you are right but I don't know how to fix the damage done. I don't think my reactions were right, I can't believe I told my son to leave, I'm so upset at the breakdown in communication and my son resenting me so much and ex saying my son is scared of me my son is playing up to it as well. I don't know what to do tomorrow. I don't even know if ds will come home. I have only seen him about 8 hrs this year and we are normally so close. I feel so alienated.

If you aren't happy with DS making his own plans with his dad then you need to go through his dad, narcissist or not. You've given DS too much responsibility and he is also trying to forge his new relationship with his Dad and the gf. You are treating your DS like an adult and then getting upset when he acts like a child. Better he likes the girlfriend than doesn't, brilliant he gets to see his grandmother too. You should have informed his dad that you had plans on Sunday, and then if he disregarded your plan you could of gotten angry but it sounds like your DS is doing the classic playing separated parents off on each other. Hell settle in time.

DD makes her own plans with her dad now she's 12 but she knows she has to double check with me before she confirms plans outside of the normal schedule.

Apologise to your DS. You have recognised that your actions were out of order. My parents separated when I was very young. My mum regularly was angry at my dad us the wall etc but was projecting her feelings. I only realise this as an adult. Now I am a parent too I realise she never once has apologised.

Say sorry. Build bridges with DS

Your son hasnt done anything. You're making it a competition. You're making it feel like if he wants to stay at dad's for a few nights then he is choosing him over you, loves him more, abandoning you. It shouldn't be like that

A 10 year old should not be afraid to say he wants to sleep over at his dad's. A 10 year old should not be yelled at because he stayed with dad for a couple extra nights during the school holidays.

I'm a single parent too. I get it. My kids see their dad one day a week, not even an overnight. During school holidays, it can be a couple over nights a week. Its hard to get used to the change but it really is better for my kids to have that time with their dad.

The financial issues between you and your ex are totally separate. They cannot come into it. Again, I understand the anger. My ex paid nothing for years, we didnt see him at all, he came back, contact started, still not child maintenance. For years. But children are not pay per view and you cannot have finances and contact in your head at the same time.

You need a calm chat with your kid. Acknowledge that fun he has at dad's, but talk about your relationship and how you need time together too. Ask him what he would like during holidays, or if he would like more overnights and tell him you'll discuss it with his dad. He needs to know that you'll support him and work with him. Right now, all he knows is that you'll flip out so he does it last minute when he is already with his dad so you cant stop him.

You've handled this badly so now you need to step back, apologise but also talk to him about how his behaviour isnt OK and wont work long term and you need to improve communication but promise that you will not flip out about last minute changes.

As you say you are aware of how badly you have behaved so learn from it and don't do it again.

It really isn't easy sharing your DC but it does get easier. I am 7 years down the line and do 50:50 and its great for the DC and their dad and me.

Maybe it's time to have a chat with his dad about more contact and set days so that DS does not feel like he has to grab moments with his dad and catch you both off guard.

It is very important DS has as much time as possible with both parents ( if no SG issues) and if you create a barrier to that then you are behaving like a bad parent.
I really do enjoy my child free time now and by DC love the time they spend with both parents.

Get you DS tomorrow, be honest with him and give him a hug and apologise to him. Then set out some clear boundaries telling him the process that you want for arranging contact.

As he gets older it's much better for him if he feels like he is welcome at both houses and can walk in and out of both freely even though it can hurt.

So 10 years old packed and walked out of front door? Just now, at night?

You need to check he's ok, check he's at his dad's, call the dad, talk to your son before he goes to sleep. Apologise.

Take the emotional weight off him. He's trying to be happy. Allow him to find his place and be happy in the new set-up.

I know it must have ripped you to shreds with the young gf and how you've felt marginalised over the past week, but your co operation is key in letting your son adjust. He is only 10. He's trying to swim, not sink. Don't drag him down.

You feel threatened and usurped. But you aren't. He only has one mum. BUT it's v important now that you QUICKLY put things as right as you can. Don't let him have to go to sleep in conflict with you. Even if you just text him, you must let him know you're very sorry you lost it, and you won't do it again.

And you mustn't do it again. It's too much pressure for him.

Now you have to persuade him to come back, as well. You'll have to negotiate with Dad.

You should think about getting counselling ASAP so that your personal emotions and conflict don't affect how you deal with your son.

I really hope he's there ok and that you get to talk to him before bed.

I think dad and much younger girlfriend should experience the messy side of parenting actually. I bet once the school runs start and dad has to be responsible for homework and all the parenting he’ll soon be on your back.

In the meantime get the court order.

Thanks@Aphrodite31 his father picked him up6:30. I called him at 7:30 and asked him if I could pick him up and we talk. Ds said it was too late.

Ds since messaged and said good night.
I replied
Good night, I really feel sad about the way this evening ended and I'm sorry about how far it escalated. I really missed you and wanted to spend time with you. I hope you have a good day at school tomorrow.

The rule is clearly that all arrangements should be between his dad and I on email and ds should not be a mediator. I let a few things slide lately and it's quickly escalated

Thanks everyone I appreciate the perspectives I can see where I have gone wrong and handled it irrationaly and need to take responsibility for my emotions, I really don't want to be that person. If you know of any helpful books or resources I'm open to working on it. I can see how I need to reinforce communication rules with both ex and ds and even though I felt sidelined in the past week, I do have a great bond and friendship with my son so I guess the holidays have been an exceptionally difficult and vulnerable time.

Sorry OP but that message you sent to DS reads emotionally manipulative to me.
You are making DS feel bad that him spending time with his dad is making you sad because you missed him!

Why couldn't you have just said "sorry DS I behaved badly and shouldn't have shouted at you"?

I'm really glad this thread has helped you OP because this is all very unfair on your son and could be extremely damaging if it continues.

Be honest with him and apologise for putting him in the middle. Then the adults take control.

If your son calls or texts to change arrangements, explain you will discuss it with dad.
That will obviously change as he gets older but not at the moment.

So, nothing in that message is you apologising for your behaviour. That's basically "I'm sorry you got offended/upset". The crappy non apology.

You cant just say you're sorry for the situation. Ou need to say you're sorry for what you did. And then take it from there when you chat. Do it in person.

Your son should have an incredibly close friendship and bond with his dad.

You are equally parents. You cannot make this a popularity contest.

Your posts are all about you. Not your son, and that's bad. He should have a close bond with both of you and have that time with both of you. You're talking to him like his spending time with his dad is taking something away from you. He isnt taking anytbung away from you. Right now, he spends almost all his time with you. It sounds like he wants more time with dad and that is absolutely fine. He will still have equal/probably more time with you. He will still have a close bond with you. But he will also have a bond with his dad which is really important.

You need to realise that he isnt just your friend or companion. He also has a dad. You arent losing him. You are helping him have a close bond with both parents.

Stop with the emotional manipulation. Stop acting like he is your toy and someone is trying to take him. I know that's harsh but if you dont, then you will actually lose him because he wont want to live in a tug of war so he will go to dad's.

You know you didn’t react well. Maybe it’s time to renegotiate the contact arrangements? The last minute arrangements when you’re expecting to spend time with him must be annoying. I feel for you being the ‘poor’ parent, it’s quite upsetting when the other parent can lavish money on the child that you can’t

Sorry op but I agree that that was not an apology. You need to own your mistakes, hold your hands up to them and not make it sound like you are blaming someone else or only saying it so they apologise.

It sounds like you didn’t like not being in control of the situation and lost sight of battles worth picking just to try and be in charge of the situation.

It sounds like (as long as gaming was age appropriate) nothing bad has happened to your son, your ex has done anything irresponsible or dangerous with him. I think you need to gain perspective that he is safe with someone who loves him and he’s happy. He’ll be back but if you keep being combative, it’s not really going to make him want to. It must be super hard when it’s only been a year and there’s still a lot of hurt there , plus you’ve had him to yourself so much but step back and let it rebalance. And give an honest apology.

Apologise when you see him tomorrow. Tell him grown ups sometimes get things wrong and you are sorry that you told him to go to his dad's house, that was a really bad call and you wish you hadn't said that when you were upset with the situation (not upset with him), you'd just been missing him for a few days and were disappointed that you weren't going to spend more time with him before school started again.

DD age 11 sees her dad 3 nights a week but doesn't stay over (her choice, he would love her to stay, she has her own room at his). If she wants to see him extra nights in addition she knows she can if we don't have plans. Some nights I manage to make plans to do something myself, other nights I feel like I'm rattling around waiting for her to come home. It's the weft and warp of being a single parent and having to share your child's time. Take the good with the bad. If your son feels he can move between your two homes without feeling "Mum's going to be lonely, she's on her own" that's only got to be a good thing. This is not his burden to carry. It is us as the adults who must shoulder that and deal with it as best we can. As they become older contact arrangements become even more fluid - out with friends/romantic interests start taking priority over time with parents/they just can't be arsed leaving their bedroom. We must be flexible so we don't break with the rigidity of "these are the arrangements as they always have been and they cannot and must not be changed". It sounds like your son has a good relationship with his dad, however much of a dickhead your ex was with you.

I'm a separated parent and I have 2 children with my ex partner ages 14 and 12, they were 7 and 5 when we separated. To be you are being selfish, very selfish. This situation isn't about uou. You should be doing what makes your child happy. My 12 year old has been with his dad since Christmas Day and isn't coming home until Sunday. His dad is on annual leave and my son asked if he could stay there. I said yes because that is what HE wants, not me. My kids love there dad and he's brilliant to them. I'd never try and spoil there bond.

That poor child being dragged into the middle of your fight with his dad. He's ten. You shouldn't be hanging up on him because he's got his own opinions about where he wants to spend his time. You owe him a huge, heartfelt apology.