Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

My ex refuses to use co-parenting app

38 replies

Anon778833 · 31/12/2021 08:48

We have a little girl who is 2. At the moment, she stays with him one night a week.

I already did post a thread about his controlling behaviour. The whole time we were together, he was chasing someone else. Yet, now we've split up he won't stop trying to hang out with me. He parks outside my house, buys me presents, sends me photos of himself. He is constantly messaging me on WhatsApp and when I say I want to keep communication just to our daughter he demands that we must 'be friends'

I don't think he wants ti get back together - he's repeatedly said he doesn't love me.

I am autistic and it is affecting my mental health. I feel he doesn't want to allow me to move on with my life. He also does the same thing to his ex wife - phoning her from withheld numbers so she answers etc.

I was advised on here to use Our Family Wizard. So I've gone to the trouble of getting this app and he is flatly refusing to use it, calling it 'government surveillance'.

What should I do now? He's impossible.

OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 31/12/2021 11:28

I wouldn’t use an app personally, I would change to email and only read/respond if its regarding your child

Itsnotover · 31/12/2021 11:36

Emails don't work. He goes on and on and on at me in the same way.

Kitkat151 · 31/12/2021 11:36

Just use email....you can’t make someone use an app

RedCandyApple · 31/12/2021 11:38

so don’t respond? They are not the same as WhatsApp as they are much less intrusive. At some point you have to chose not to respond you are making a choice to respond to him.

Itsnotover · 31/12/2021 12:34

Ok well I've now blocked him on WhatsApp.

I hate the idea of FC but I've heard that you can ask for there to be an order that communication is via this app.

Starlightstarbright1 · 31/12/2021 18:48

My advice would be don't use the app.

He will twist anything you write..

Use email. If he repeats the same question ignore.look up grey rock.

You won't co parent with him.. so don't try.

Tibtab · 31/12/2021 18:51

Set up an email that is just for communication with him. Block him on all other channels.

EmpressCixi · 31/12/2021 18:53

I agree with pp, you can’t make him use a particular app that you want and like.

Going to family court to order this app- not sure the court would agree and to be honest, it would be a controlling kind of move on your part to dictate he must use and only use a specific coparenting app in all his communications with you. The court might agree if you have evidence your relationship was abusive and the app is for any safety or safeguarding issues.

TheSnowyOwl · 31/12/2021 18:55

In the same way he can’t force you to use a particular method of communication, nor can you. I would just let him WhatsApp and ignore 99.9% of what he sends and just respond to what is relevant. Eventually, he will get the hint.

TeddyBeans · 31/12/2021 19:01

I only use email with my ex. With outlook, you can set up a designated folder for his emails and that way you don't get notified every time he sends you an email. Tell him you're only reading emails at a certain date/time and will only respond to emails relating to your DD.

If he needs to get in contact about an emergency or something that needs an immediate response, he can WhatsApp my mum who will pass the message on but that rarely happens

MintJulia · 31/12/2021 19:10

I wouldn't use an app either. I use a standard email address. All messages are timed, dated and stored online for years.

Send your ex a message on every social media/text/email you use, saying that in future you'll only be using [email protected] email address and then block him on everything. Send any unknown numbers to voicemail.

Good luck.

unicornsarereal72 · 31/12/2021 19:53

He doesn't get to tell you that you have to be friends. You can take control of the situation. And ignore him unless it is about your dd.

What do you need to communicate about? She is 2. His contact is x day at x time. Use a note book if he needs to know anything. For example she had calpol at 2. Otherwise I wouldn't bother.

My ex would like to think he co parents. He does no such thing he has one child for 24/48 hours once a fortnight.

He has never been to school. Been home sick with them. Done a doctors appointment shoe fitting etc. He does nothing more than baby sitting if you ask me.

Firm boundaries are needed. Don't let him pushing past them.

Does he pay his child support?

Itsnotover · 31/12/2021 22:24

@TheSnowyOwl

In the same way he can’t force you to use a particular method of communication, nor can you. I would just let him WhatsApp and ignore 99.9% of what he sends and just respond to what is relevant. Eventually, he will get the hint.

Last week someone advised me to get this app! On MN. That's the only reason I've done it.

Apparently you can ask for a court order to use the app.

Itsnotover · 31/12/2021 22:27

Yes he pays child support. He is a high earner so he pays what he can afford.

It annoys me people saying just let him continue to WhatsApp you. He is making me ill. I have autism and his constant stream of messages build up and make me have meltdowns. It isn't fair that I have to put up with it. He also stalks me. I just want to be left alone. He doesn't want me but he's determined to make sure I never move on with my life.

Itsnotover · 31/12/2021 22:32

@unicornsarereal72

He doesn't get to tell you that you have to be friends. You can take control of the situation. And ignore him unless it is about your dd.

What do you need to communicate about? She is 2. His contact is x day at x time. Use a note book if he needs to know anything. For example she had calpol at 2. Otherwise I wouldn't bother.

My ex would like to think he co parents. He does no such thing he has one child for 24/48 hours once a fortnight.

He has never been to school. Been home sick with them. Done a doctors appointment shoe fitting etc. He does nothing more than baby sitting if you ask me.

Firm boundaries are needed. Don't let him pushing past them.

Does he pay his child support?

Thank you. Yes I do most of the parenting. He's in his 50s and is busy with work. He does love our daughter - I can see that.

I agree - why can't we just say that he picks her up at X time on Saturday and brings her back at X time on Sunday. Instead, I get messages and telephone calls wanting to change the time because he's doing his house up, he's got a pain in his chest, someone is annoying him at work. I don't want this.

My older childrens father and I never had any of this shit. He didn't keep messaging me all the time!

RedCandyApple · 31/12/2021 22:44

No don’t leave him on WhatsApp FWIW I agree with you on that one, it’s too personal, can see your pics/you can see his, he can see when you’re online, when you’ve read messages (unless you’ve turned that off but he will know if you read them if you are online) definitely off the WhatsApp, you’re not friends.

Itsnotover · 31/12/2021 22:53

to be honest, it would be a controlling kind of move on your part to dictate he must use and only use a specific coparenting app in all his communications with you.

The court might agree if you have evidence your relationship was abusive and the app is for any safety or safeguarding issues.

It’s nice how on Mumsnet people twist everything. So @EmpressCixi - how the fuck am I the controlling one when he is the one stalking me, sending me pictures of himself, demanding I speak to him? Refusing to just converse about our daughter? Refusing to let me be. He messages me every day all the time. Not about our daughter.

One day a few weeks ago, I was having a telephone conversation with him about contact time for the next day. Ostensibly he was at home (an hour away). Then my mum looked out of her window to see him driving up my road and parking his car on my road ffs.

Why are you telling me that I should put up with this otherwise I am ‘controlling’? Are you just being goady?

During my pregnancy he tried to stop me taking my sertraline by sending me articles about how it supposedly stops baby’s limbs from growing.

RandomMess · 31/12/2021 23:06

You offer him fixed contact only. Collect at 10am Saturday. If he is more than 10 minutes late it's cancelled.

Courts would give him fixed contact.

You could actually go down the route of refusing contact altogether until he arranges a court order. You aren't suitable for mediation due to his coercive control.

The only way with people like this is iron fixed arrangements- no being flexible, no discussions, you having boundaries of steel.

Thanks
Itsnotover · 31/12/2021 23:11

Thank you @RandomMess I know I'm not being unreasonable because my ex husband (who is the father of my older children) and I never had any problems around contact, no arguments, no going to court and he also did not message me if it wasn't about the children.

Stomacharmeleon · 31/12/2021 23:28

Coming from someone with the same issues I get it but I second that 'only answers pertinent to contact and ignore ignore ignore'

Work on the assumption he will get bored with the stalking etc but if you feel confident record it and report it.

You can do this. Do not let him live rent free in your head.

SafeguardingSocialWorker · 31/12/2021 23:36

My family wizard is an app recommended by professionals for this sort of situation. It's not a random app the OP has picked from nowhere and is advised to be used instead of email/social media.

RedCandyApple · 31/12/2021 23:39

@SafeguardingSocialWorker

My family wizard is an app recommended by professionals for this sort of situation. It's not a random app the OP has picked from nowhere and is advised to be used instead of email/social media.
I’m aware of the app but you can’t force someone to use it, I wonder if it’s recommended because you have to pay for it...
RandomMess · 31/12/2021 23:42

Have you spoken to national domestic violence about getting a non-mol order or Suzy Lamplugh trust about protection against stalking?

Itsnotover · 31/12/2021 23:44

You can't get a non-molestation order in reality unless there is an obvious threat of physical violence. What I have heard is that family court don't care about women who are subjected to coercive control. They won't usually acknowledge that it's happening.

Itsnotover · 31/12/2021 23:55

So in short what I want is clear contact times for him to take dd and bring her back.

The app is very helpful because you can log all information about your child in there. Literally everything. So the NRP can open the app and see what their child is doing today. The addresses of their GP, school, teachers etc. details of any accident they had or meds they are on. All without me having to have conversations with him. You can also put photos of the child on there.

Because of the stress I have been under, Family Wizard agreed to waive the £200 fee I would otherwise have had to pay. He is being totally unreasonable not to use it. It keeps everything focussed on the child. The only reason he won’t use it is because he wants to continue to get at me and remind me he’s always there.