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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

my first xmas as a lone parent and heres my dilema

47 replies

TLV · 21/12/2007 20:45

dh has only been gone 2 months (his choice to leave) but has already started divorce, initially I wanted him to stay over for xmas eve to see dd on xmas day (he refused) anyway we've argued (i wanted him back, he didn't want to know) so I've come to the conclusion that it would be best all round for everyone that he didn't come xmas morning and that he has dd on boxing day, to say he isn't happy is an understatement as its his daughter and he should be here xmas morning (er do most couples who split do this?)tbh i feel the day will be spoilt if he was here as I would get upset and dd would get upset when he left and if he has an ounce of feeling in him then i'm sure he would be upset on having to leave, what does everyone else think??

I'm sure he thinks i'm doing it out of spite

OP posts:
DontCallMeHun · 21/12/2007 20:47

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Original poster
TLV · 21/12/2007 20:50

he wants to be here when she wakes up to open prezzies but I think this will only confuse her as he's not been here for 2 months, she is 2.5yrs and doesn't really understand it all.

OP posts:
DontCallMeHun · 21/12/2007 20:51

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charliecat · 21/12/2007 20:54

I split up with my xp in May hes staying over Xmas Eve and im cooking him dinner...if the atmosphere starts going sideways I will ask him to go. And horse him out the door if he attempts to argue with me.
Mine are older though..10 and 7.
Could you keep it nice?
Would you want to spend xmas day away from dd?

DontCallMeHun · 21/12/2007 20:54

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Original poster
TLV · 21/12/2007 20:58

everything is still really raw between us and it worries me that things will be very strained even tho i know its dd day and not ours really and I should be putting her first, just don't know what to do for the best, he wants to be here to see her open the presents and like you said DCMH do I really want this for future christmas's.

OP posts:
summersun06 · 21/12/2007 21:17

TLV hi my Dh left me 5 weeks ago and I am in bits also, He is not coming to see the children on Christmas day, I think if he wanted a family Christmas he shiuld have stayed another few months! Us women end up bending over backwards to make everything right for our kids, what about the men!!!!!!!!! You are an important person in all of this and I dont know about you but if my Dh came on Christmas day the fact that he could leave me on own after the kid have gone to bed would be soul destroying. The sad fact is, he will be leaving me and going to the pub! You need to start as you mean to go on and if he choose to leave you and child for Christmas he needs to live and understand what he has done. Dont put your self last HE HASNT!!

DontCallMeHun · 21/12/2007 21:20

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AimsmumPaPumPumMeAndMyDrum · 21/12/2007 21:21

My xp comes and stays over on Xmas eve, sees DD opening her presents, stays for a couple of hours, then leaves when DD and I go to my mum's for the day.

Have been doing this since DD was 4 (just) and she has been fine with it.

summersun06 · 21/12/2007 21:22

We are not all perfect and the effects of that situation on you longterm could be VERY different to myself or TLV!

Original poster
TLV · 21/12/2007 21:24

I think its great that some of you can have xp xh over xmas eve but I still love my dh and yes its dd day, it will break my heart to have him here and watch him leave and dd still gets upset when he goes as well

OP posts:
summersun06 · 21/12/2007 21:27

I think its so hard when the wound is so raw, maybe next year when you are alot stronger could you be able to face that situation.

summersun06 · 21/12/2007 21:31

I still love my ex also TLV and I feel like I need him more than ever this year. This is not healthy for my children to see or for me to experence. Be strong in your own right, and I hope I can take my own advice!

Staceym11PipersPiping · 21/12/2007 21:39

dh left a couple of months ago, i still love him. but he is also staying xmas eve and for xmas dinner to spend it with the kids, i cant stand the thought of them not seeing him on their day.

although i think a day alone with you and a day alone with him isnt a horrible thing!

summersun06 · 21/12/2007 21:47

It just so hard to know what to do for the best isnt it!

DavidTennantsMistress · 21/12/2007 21:50

I think you need to do what works for you, H walked out on us on the 7th sept. his contact with DS has been shockingly bad esp as he hasn't even been away anywhere.

DS is 22 months and how we get around H staying the night (he has done approx 4 times since we split up - incl one whole weekend at my house when I wasn't here) is H stays on the sofa and he gets up with DS - DS then goes down stairs and sees daddy's bed is on the sofa and that he's not in with me iycwim. i'm not fully sure how much DS understands of this but it seems to be working so farthis year we're playing things by ear a bit - he's stopping over on xmas eve so he's here in the morning to see DS open his pressies - both H and I are on our own here so it seems daft we're in different houses. i'm not 100% if he's stopping xmas day night or not.

the key is thou I feel to do what's best for your little one. next year things might be different if we've both got new partners he might not want to sleep on my sofa but while he wants to do it and DS wants him to do it then I will let him.

the hardest part thou will be watching H and feeling like 'old times' but for me I have no intrest in him cxoming back.

4sonsmum · 21/12/2007 22:16

I have been on my own with my 4 sons for 8 years - I have had their dad to stay for Xmas every year since my youngest was 4 - and every year he has caused problems - so this will be the first time I have stopped him coming!
Yes i had him visit for the lads sake - but this year will be stress free hopefully!

jennypenguin · 22/12/2007 11:20

I knew there would be an atmosphere if xh was here so i asked him to have dds boxing day instead.
Although he left me for someone else, he is the one who refuses to be friendly or even polite to me, even in front of the girls.
Also, after they see him or speak to him, they both become a bit moody, which wouldn't be nice on xmas day.
I feel i am putting dds first by planning a wonderful day for them, even if it doesn't involve their dad.
Maybe next year will be different, but for now, i know i'm doing the right thing.

harman · 22/12/2007 11:23

Message withdrawn

coldtits · 22/12/2007 11:33

My exp is staying over on Christmas Eve, and taking the kids out for 2 hours in the afternoon to see his mother so I can cook uninterrupted - he is staying for dinner too. But we are fairly amicable, and I know this is an unusual arrangement.

Surfermum · 22/12/2007 12:15

It's a nightmare isn't it? Dh is just collecting dsd now to come to us for Christmas. It will be only the 2nd time he has seen her on Christmas day since she was 2 (she's now 12) as his x wouldn't let him see her. He's missed all those years seeing her wake up and find her stocking and seeing her open her presents . Oh and he was the injured party when she left him.

Anyway, I think what you might want to bear in mind TLV is that if you choose not to let him see her on Christmas Day he could go for a court order and might be granted alternate Christmases. You'd then be missing out completely on alternate years. The alternative would be to agree to a couple of hours on Christmas morning so each year you both get to see her.

I know dsd finds it incredibly difficult splitting her time between the two families. And although in her head it's fair to do one year with one and one year with the other, I'm absolutely certain that what she would like best is to be with both. Sadly we don't live near each to each other to do that - which would be possible now that things are better between us and her mum.

The other thing I wanted to say was that we're 9 years down the line now, and things have been as acrimonious as they can get, but we've all come through that and we all get on now, and recently both families went out together to celebrate dsd's birthday. I honestly never thought I'd see the day, but we did. So don't despair that it is always going to be like it is now because things do get better - they have in our case anyway.

I hope you manage to sort something out that isn't too difficult for you.

ScruffyTeddy · 22/12/2007 12:27

Hi TLV,

I understand how upset you are and how much you're going to be hurting at the moment but I have to be honest, the fact that initially you were happy for him to see your dd on Christmas day (staying over on Christmas Eve) and when he refused, you decided he couldn't see her at all that day seems that it is mainly about your own feelings. Im not wanting to be pessimistic but if it is about your feelings, the reality is that its highly likely come Christmas day you will feel upset whatever you choose to do, its just not that easy to switch feelings off as we all know

Ive been a lone parent for nine years now and although we always do have a great Christmas, every time I feel a little sad that it isnt a family one, so I guess that part never goes away. You've not been a lone parent very long and it will all be very raw at the moment. I still do think you should let him see her. This is just one Christmas, you'll have lots more. The next one will be better, the rest better still. This wont be the only challenge you'll face as a lone parent, you'll be broken hearted over many things, (part and parcel unfortunately), but it will all get easier to deal with. If you can get through this you can get through anything and it can only get better.

Best of luck anyway, whatever you decide

VeVacuaMerryChristmas · 22/12/2007 12:30

I always ask myself 'what would the children like most?' and aim for that if possible. It doesn't even arise for us anymore because they haven't had so much as a Christmas or birthday card from him for the past couple of years but to begin with, Christmas was as painless as possible for them and near-suicidally-awful for me. I can never think of it in terms of mother's or father's v children's rights - they are the only ones with rights in this sort of situation, we have responsibilities.

lottymadbird · 22/12/2007 14:54

I am in exactly the same situation. After lots of pressure from exP after I said he couldnt see DS on xmas day (because he gave me a weeks notice that he wanted to see him and hasnt seen him for months and so I had organised to go away for xmas) i had a guilt attack and said he could see him after all.

So now I am totally miserable knowing exP will come here for the morning then swan off to friends for a lovely christmas dinner when I can't even afford to buy a turkey let alone anything else for us - and will spend the day with DS upset after exP has left.

And DS and I could have gone to lovely BF's family for the whole holiday. BF and I now split up over this.

I am a fool !!!

But you do what you think will make your DC's happy don't you? Thats what being a mum is.

wirral · 22/12/2007 23:31

I'm sorry but I think a lot of people are missing the point of this.My ex husband left me 2 years ago I suspect for someone else. As he has told our daughter that he was so unhappy with me. Now I would love to have him to stay Christmas Day etc however why did he leave if he wanted a family life?

The only way forward is not to think of him and just get on with life. Sod hi
m!

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