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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

my first xmas as a lone parent and heres my dilema

47 replies

TLV · 21/12/2007 20:45

dh has only been gone 2 months (his choice to leave) but has already started divorce, initially I wanted him to stay over for xmas eve to see dd on xmas day (he refused) anyway we've argued (i wanted him back, he didn't want to know) so I've come to the conclusion that it would be best all round for everyone that he didn't come xmas morning and that he has dd on boxing day, to say he isn't happy is an understatement as its his daughter and he should be here xmas morning (er do most couples who split do this?)tbh i feel the day will be spoilt if he was here as I would get upset and dd would get upset when he left and if he has an ounce of feeling in him then i'm sure he would be upset on having to leave, what does everyone else think??

I'm sure he thinks i'm doing it out of spite

OP posts:

DontCallMeHun · 23/12/2007 07:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottymadbird · 23/12/2007 08:11

its a hard one though. i left my exP but does that mean I shouldnt see my son because it was my decision (albeit for good reasons)?

from the person who looks after the DCs full time, its an emotional thing, the non-resident partner seems to swan in and get the best bits and leave the hard bits to the one who's there all the time. its bound to be difficult.

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 23/12/2007 08:34

Probably one of the most difficult questions there is.
It has to be about the child, but you can't always ask the child as they are too young.

I had Ds1's father here one morning around Christmas the year he left. It was civil but soul destroying, and I didn't even know at the time that he was already living with his new 'bird' and her children.
I just wondered why he had to 'be somewhere'...
I am glad it wasn't Christmas day. By the time it happened, Ds and I were totally involved and happy in my extended family, my parents knew him, exp never had lived with us so didn't really have that attachment. Christmas should be about a settled, exciting, predictable time with the people you know and love the best.
If your child's life revolves around you and say, your parents or your friends, then they should be the ones your child is with at Christmas.
However if your child knows their other parent very well and misses them, there is a case that said other parent should perhaps be there. Unless of course they are going to be disruptive and make you miserable.
I would personally think another day would be better. It is a very hard judgment call.

(Ds2 I have no qualms about whatsoever, as he has never even met his excuse for a father. His life is with me, his Christmas will be with me. End of.

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 23/12/2007 08:37

...and try not to even consider the father not wanting to 'miss out' on her day...it is not about him. If it would make the child happier, then yes. But if it will not, don't do it. Simple as that.

MeMySonAndI · 23/12/2007 08:53

This will be our first Christmas as separated parents (we separated in Oct).

It feels a bit strange, when we decided to separate we said we will spend this Christmas together to make it easier for DS (we both have families in other countries, and none around here, and TBH I don't think it was the right time to take turns as it would mean that one of us wouldn't see DS at all throughout the Christmas period).

Since then we have had some discussions about it... I offered him to stay at the sofa on CHristmas eve and he threw a fuss as if I had asked him to stay naked in my bed! . So, he is comming for Christmas eve, and back in the morning of the 25th. I would be sorry for him if he is not early enough to see DS open his presents but... it is his decission and I'm not going to insist.

He initally agreed to spend Christmas Eve with us and all the 25th, and for us to go to his house on the 26th. Now he want us to go his house on the 25th and not to see me on the 26th. I'm not bothered, as long as he is here on Christmas eve, it will be OK.

Nightynight · 23/12/2007 08:57

It's a difficult one. From what you say, it sounds as though your ex is not doing anything for christmas himself, so whatever christmas contact he has with his dd, will be visiting your christmas.
I would go along with whatever makes your dd happier this year, but would be a bit wary of making this a precedent for the future.

MeMySonAndI · 23/12/2007 08:58

but agree with all those who said that is about the children, rather than about you. I would let him come in Christmas morning, you may be upset but you will manage. And you wouldn't set a bad prescendent for other Christmas. AS somebody said, you will feed bad with him and without him, so just let DD and exH see each other for a few hours, it wouldn't make much of a difference for you, but may be a positive thing to do to keep things under control during this difficult time.

Nightynight · 23/12/2007 08:59

x post, I got distracted by children!
Hope your arrangements go well. It does still sound like a very raw situation.

Nightynight · 23/12/2007 09:00

oh I am completely distracted, better get off mumsnet altogether. Have confused names now.

it is ds2's birthday and a Leapster is going full blast.

bookofchristmascarolsmum · 23/12/2007 09:10

I let my xp come around on my dd's first christmas to see her but he only stayed for an hour. Her second christmas, we'd literally just broken up on christmas eve after an attempted reconciliation - if he'd come around, it wouldn't have been nice for either of us . His parents came around to visit a few days after christmas but he cried off with a cold.

That was 6 years ago and he's never asked to see her over the festive season since (well, it's not really his festival anyway lol). How can I worry about it? - you don't miss what you never had. I'm the one making comparisons of my childhood and of my dd's but she knows no different.

I do think that where you can (having said all that), it is nice for children to share christmas with both their parents though.

Tinkerbeltinsel · 23/12/2007 12:38

TLV let your ex see your child if you think its in her best interest, it isnt his right as he threw that away when he walked away from you and his daughter. If its only 2 months then its still very raw, you have to decide if going to be more traumatic having her dad there for a little while then leaving or not having him there at all and letting her see him boxing day, if you dont let him see her on christmas day it doesnt mean you arent putting her first, he certainly wasnt putting her first when he left 2 months before christmas, be strong

ADDICTEDtosayingHAAAAAAAPYxmas · 23/12/2007 13:42

bookofchristmascarols...

does he not see her at all over xmas week/new year? i suppose you're right though. they can't miss what they haven't had.

bookofchristmascarolsmum · 23/12/2007 14:07

Addicted..... he doesn't see her at all! Last time they clapped eyes on each other he walked straight past her in the high street in about 2004. He actually got his Dad to write to me to tell me that he wasn't ready to be a father yet . This was when she was about 3.5!!

Scotia · 23/12/2007 14:10

bookof, that's horrible, I'm so sorry! I'd have been prone to violence had my ex ignored his child in the street.

bookofchristmascarolsmum · 23/12/2007 15:03

Well I was fuming at the time (bit of an understatement really) but life goes on. In some respects it makes life easier since you don't need to factor the ex's needs in all the time. Time will tell what happens when she's older.

ShakeysGirl · 23/12/2007 15:34

Last Christmas my exh had the children and i spent the day in bed in tears. This year its my turn and i don't want him to go through what i did but i have a dp now so its not appropriate to have exh here over Christmas. Instead he is taking them for a meal christmas eve with his family and then picking them up Christmas night and having them boxing day. I am dreading being without them next year already.

ADDICTEDtosayingHAAAAAAAPYxmas · 23/12/2007 16:02

most children i know with separated parents do xmas day with the resident parent and boxing day with the other parent. that's what i did as a child. it didn't traumatise me too much.

Original poster

TLV · 26/12/2007 19:42

well I called him xmas eve morning and asked him to stay over which he did so we could have a tea party for dd and put her to bed and both be with her xmas morning (all against my better judgement) we ended up sleeping together and he slept with me in our bed, did the presents and he left about 10ish, the whole day felt wrong on so many levels (to me we should have been together as a family) so I called him when i got home early evening just to ask how his day went and if he'd missed me and dd, he was at his mums and called me back swearing his head off at me etc etc and accusing me of being sarcastic blah blah, I tried to keep my cool telling him i had called him coz me and dd had missed him but he really went off on one with me causing his mum to run out of the house in tears so he went after her but ringing me shouting swearing and really just being very threatening. I spent 40mins on the phone to a man at the samaritans sobbing my heart out (I wish I knew who he was coz he was lovely and I would really like to thank him)

Today he was going to be taking dd down to his mums (she did she dd on xmas eve i should add) and then bringing her back so I could see family but after last night I left a message telling him to stear clear, gets a message off him this morning (one of many) saying he was an idiot wanted to talk and apologise and discuss what happened but would understand if I didn't answer the door and he would go away, gradually the messages got worse and in the end threatened me with solicitor and accusing me of not letting him see his dd (he had seen her all day sunday, xmas eve and xmas day) accused me of not letting his family see her (i told him they were more than welcome to come here) then he had a go a my sister when she came to pick him up, so in all this is possibly the worst xmas I've had, luckily dd is quite young and doesn't know whats going on but I'm not letting her see me upset anymore and i'm certainly not going to be shouting down the phone at him in front of her, the whole situation is a nightmare and is only going to get worse what with the divorce and him trying to turf me and dd out of our home.

OP posts:

SelfishMrsClaus · 26/12/2007 19:50

Why did you sleep with him TLV?

lou33 · 26/12/2007 19:56

mine got a phone call from my exh on xmas morning, and that was it

they havent asked why he isnt seeing them, or if they can see him

he didnt buy them anything as he said he had no money

personally i dont want him about, because kids or not i dont see why it should affect my xmas , when i am the one who has been getting stressed about it , trying to make it lovely

and it would affect them , because i would get wound up by just looking at his self pitying mug, which they would no doubt pick up on

so it all worked out fine, and we went to my sister today and yesterday afternoon, and they played with their cousins

Original poster

TLV · 27/12/2007 05:04

I don't why i slept with him, probably coz i still love him, miss him, wanted to feel that closeness again, I certainly didn't plan it happening.

OP posts:

Tinkerbeltinsel · 27/12/2007 11:20

TLV poor you I hope it all gets better for you, dont sleep with him again dont give yourself to him for him to then turn around and treat you this way, he sounds very manipulative and uses aggression so he doesnt have to explain himself, get well rid and speak to a solicitor for proper advice for access visits

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