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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

My ds “father” has just told him I’m not your daddy

32 replies

Laststraw2567 · 20/12/2021 19:34

I am absolutely fuming and need to vent. For background: My ex and I have been separated since the beginning of this year. We have a 2 year old (almost 3) who is an absolute joy and my world. Since we split initially, due to my ex being abusive to me, he didn’t see my ds for a few months (ss and police were involved and we gradually began contact). Since around August time things have been going ok re their relationship. Contact between them has been increasing and going well. My boy loves his daddy and looks forward to seeing him. He also around once a week asks to phone daddy just before he goes to bed. He did so today. Chat started ok, ds was telling him about nursery/new friends/ what he’s been upto etc. Then completely out of the blue his “daddy” shouted “oh hang on ds, you’ve rang the wrong person! I’m not your daddy!” Then hangs up the phone. My boy was devastated, clearly understood the context of what he heard and has finally settled to sleep after crying his little heart out asking questions about why daddy is saying he’s not my daddy… I’m now receiving abusive texts declaring he’s found out I’m seeing someone new (I wish) so as far as he’s concerned he’s opting out. This from a man who lets his son down all the time, says he will see him on x day and doesn’t turn up/ refuses to pay maintenance (self employed so can’t use CMS)/ is generally a shit dad. I feel awful for my boy. He shouldn’t have to hear these things or be upset by the man who claims to love and care for him. I’m now considering cutting all contact (he will inevitably again apologise in a day or 2, say it’s my fault he got wound up and ask to see ds). I will not have my boy be used and upset. I keep thinking about the benefit of this man being in his life. Then again questioning myself as I know it’s better for children to have both parents if possible. I know if I cut contact he wouldn’t peruse it ie court (probably would turn up and kick my door smash windows etc as he has in the past). He has never directed his anger or abuse towards him before, always me. Hence ending the relationship. I don’t know what to do. In the past when I’ve stopped contact ds has gotten upset asking to see daddy. I don’t want my boy to be without a dad but this is the last straw. I can’t see what to do for his sake in his best interests. Emotional abuse to a 2 year old is utterly vile. I personally know the damage this kind of comment can have. I won’t let it happen. Do I just cut all contact? Or is that unfair on da?I Anyone any advice?

OP posts:

starpatch · 20/12/2021 19:40

What your ex did was emotional abuse OP. You are right to want to cut contact. Can you get some advice about your rights from a domestic abuse charity? I am sorry you are dealing with this.

MadeForThis · 20/12/2021 19:46

That's abusive. I would cut all contact.

MrsPeterVenkman · 20/12/2021 19:50

I would take him to Court. You can easily apply for a CAO on the basis he's emotionally abusive to your child and ask the court to give him the minimum contact possible.
My ex gets 2 hours a fortnight in a contact centre.

rainbowlou · 20/12/2021 19:50

What a vile thing to do.
My ex told me in front of my dd that if I left him he will cut contact as he would rather not be a dad at all if he had to be a part time one!
Make sure you keep all those texts from him and be grateful is stupid enough to put his threats and feeling in writing in case
This escalates.
Women’s aid can offer you advice on this as well.

Thirtytimesround · 20/12/2021 19:54

Cut all contact. That’s deliberate emotional abuse of a toddler. It can only get worse.

Get this many out of your child’s life.

Dillydollydingdong · 20/12/2021 19:55

I hope you're going to explain to ds that daddy's just being very silly and that of course he's the daddy. Tell the father that if this ever happens again, you will indeed cut contact. He can't expect the rights of a father if he's denying being a father.

Ingleduh · 20/12/2021 20:01

You need to be clever here and get some kind of proof so if u decide to cut contact u have justification. I'd maybe text him an repeat in that message what he said to ds so there is some evidence. Maybe along the lines of how it's not acceptable to tell a 2yr old your not their father than hang up on them. And next time if he doesn't want to engage with his son he would be best to just reject the call rather than be abusive.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 20/12/2021 20:02

Does he admit to what he said in messages? If he hasn’t try to engineer a situation where he does because you may need proof of the EA. Do not let this man anywhere near your child again. He is just using him as a tool to get to you.

Neverwrestlewithapig · 20/12/2021 20:02

Why would you wait for it to happen again? This is emotional abuse and no level is acceptable. Definitely keep any texts etc. Do you have a social worker you can talk to about this as it needs to be recorded for when you come to review contact. What an awful situation

Original poster

Laststraw2567 · 20/12/2021 20:10

Thanks everyone for the replies. He hasn’t admitted it in texts no. He’s too clever to leave a paper trail as it were. I’m just upset for my son. However I know that having no father is absolutely better than an emotionally abusive one. I guess I’m just shocked as he’s never directed it at him before now, has always played the loving Disney dad. Yes i did tell my son “daddy’s just being silly “ etc. I’m disgusted

OP posts:

SethWho · 20/12/2021 20:17

Children most certainly do not ways benefit from having both parents in their lives.

WonderfulYou · 20/12/2021 20:46

Wow what an absolute dickhead!
I cannot stand people who bring a child into their arguments!!

Do not text him or engage with him at all.

The PPs are right that not every child needs both parents but in this situation where you say your son loves him then I’d think very carefully about cutting all contact.

I actually don’t know what I would do in this situation as it sounds like your son will be heartbroken not seeing his dad over Xmas but I’d feel sick that anyone could say that to their own child.

Original poster

Laststraw2567 · 20/12/2021 22:30

@WonderfulYou this is what worries me and the only reason I am hesitant to cut all contact. Right now I am thinking I don’t want my son exposed to this manipulative and potentially damaging behaviour. On the other hand I know my son will be devastated to not see or speak to his dad. It’s so hard. Especially around Christmas, he was so looking forward to giving his present to his dad that he had picked. If only I’d had a crystal ball…

OP posts:

GettingItOutThere · 20/12/2021 22:35

i would cut contact too

"daddys busy" or change the subject without answering him - he will soon stop asking

your poor son, what an awful man

Original poster

Laststraw2567 · 20/12/2021 22:50

@SethWho can you elaborate on this? I’m just really struggling atm with my decision. Personally I grew up without a father figure and it had absolutely affected my life. I guess I’m just looking for validation maybe that my decision to essentially evict my sons father form his life is the best decision for him?? If that makes sense? My son is my absolute priority however in my career I deal everyday with people who are affected by childhood issues and I don’t want this for my own child. Sorry this is turning into a rant. Just all the advice points at “Children thrive with 2 parents… the emotional complications from children not having a father figure….

OP posts:

Megan2018 · 20/12/2021 22:57

Cut him out now. A not quite 3 year old is not quite at the age where they will remember this long term. Give it another 12 months and those memories stick. Don’t give him the opportunity, it will escalate. No good will come of him having contact and the risk of harm is huge.

I’d “disappear”, block him and his entire extended family. But report what has happened to SS anyway first.
He’s very unlikely to take it anywhere legally, but let him if he wants to.

Original poster

Laststraw2567 · 20/12/2021 22:57

@Ingleduh I have tried to do this. He is a
master manipulator so will not repeat his shitty comments In text. Im worried now as he has decided he will go further and attempt to gain access via court. Just another case of the mother being unreasonable and nit allowing contact to suit herself apparently. I give up it’s too much to handle why bother attempting to do the best for my child when everything I do or say gets twisted and manipulated to suit some at best Sperm doner it’s just bollocks

OP posts:

Megan2018 · 20/12/2021 23:00

Meant to add, theirs no win here whatever you do.

Growing up without a father does do some damage. Growing up with an abusive parent does do some damage. There’s no way to make this entirely “good”.
But in my view the abusive parent is “worse”, you can compensate for lack of father more readily than the impact of a shit one.

DropYourSword · 20/12/2021 23:01

I think the whole “children thrive with two parents” is relevant when one of those parents isn’t an abusive dickhead.

Original poster

Laststraw2567 · 20/12/2021 23:03

@Megan2018 thank you that resonates 100%.

OP posts:

LawnFever · 20/12/2021 23:05

If he won’t repeat what he’s said in a text could you record any future phone calls and get evidence that way of anything he might say?

Unfortunately that does put your ds at risk of having to head his awful comments though so I’m not sure myself whether that’s a good idea or not…

Original poster

Laststraw2567 · 20/12/2021 23:11

@LawnFever I wish I’d had the insight to do this. However as contact was going well I hadn’t thought to do so. And now going forwards I’m reluctant to say the least, to willingly expose my son to any such comments. I am now being told I’m being taken to court to enforce access

OP posts:

Babyvenusplant · 20/12/2021 23:11

Record any future phone calls op, then at least you have some proof. What an asshole!

Original poster

Laststraw2567 · 20/12/2021 23:14

@DropYourSword yes I agree. Having to explain to a 2 year old that no you can’t see/phone/ speak to “daddy” however is a bit more complicated.

OP posts:

Original poster

Laststraw2567 · 20/12/2021 23:31

@Babyvenusplant I will record and future calls. Won’t let my son be abused over the phone again so I’ll just make sure any incoming calls are recorded. Just not sure how to handle the next inevitable “mummy can I phone daddy” conversation. It’s just impossible to do the right thing.

OP posts:

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