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Original poster

Do I let my baby dad know baby is born?

31 replies

jamie01 · 09/11/2021 20:00

Hi

So me and my ex partner the father to my week old baby are no longer together. We separated about 4 months ago due to domestic violence, it was a tough pregnancy as I had to go to court and eventually a week before I gave birth he was given a 2 year suspended sentence including a 5 year restraining order and told to go through family court in regards to child arrangements.

Obviously I don't want any communication with him and to be honest I don't want him seeing the baby as the trauma from what occurred is too fresh at the moment and he's not a very nice person.

However I feel like I owe it to my daughter to let he's mum know she has been born, I'll never stop her from seeing him at a later date under supervision and I don't want to give him the satisfaction that I never tried cos I feel huge mum guilt already with her not growing up with a dad.

Any advice would be appreciated
Thanks x

OP posts:
TurnUpTurnip · 09/11/2021 20:06

I would leave it

BurntTheFuckOut · 09/11/2021 20:07

No. You don’t tell them anything.

You don’t tell him when you’re registering her, so that he isn’t on her BC - this means it would take him longer in court, which, given the circumstances, it’s only a good thing.

BurntTheFuckOut · 09/11/2021 20:08

And what you owe your daughter is this -

  • a safe, happy childhood. Even if that means keeping her father away from her.
shiningjustforyou · 09/11/2021 20:09

I wouldn't tell them.
I also strongly advise you don't put him on the birth certificate.

If he wants any contact he can go to court but given what's happened I wouldn't make it any easier for him.

BurntTheFuckOut · 09/11/2021 20:13

You’re hormonal right now OP, will be for a while and sleep deprived. The first 6 months of my DDs life I felt awful that she didn’t see her Dad, I also had a restraining order against him so I couldn’t have pleaded with him to take an interest in her even if I’d wanted to, he never went to court and 5 years on I’m so grateful every day that he didn’t.

Because he would, at the very least, have emotionally abused her and used her to control and continue EA of me and probably PA too.

ApricotShandy · 09/11/2021 20:19

Seconding all the advice above. Especially:

And what you owe your daughter is this -

  • a safe, happy childhood. Even if that means keeping her father away from her.

You can do it. Congratulations on your new baby. You are everything she needs Flowers

Cas112 · 09/11/2021 20:22

Why don't you just enjoy the time with your baby for the time being and let him make first contact through family court. Having a newborn can be stressful, be easy on yourself and don't worry about contacting him and causing more stress. No one will think bad of you for that

IAAP · 09/11/2021 20:23

No absolutely not - no

Itsbeen84yearss · 09/11/2021 20:24

No. Just focus on your baby and yourself

Ohshittt · 09/11/2021 20:24

I would imagine it would be frowned upon for you to contact him when he has a restraining order against you. Congratulations Flowers I don't think you will feel the same about this in weeks/months to come. You will want to do everything to protect your child and it doesn't sound like a relationship with him would be right for her.

Ohshittt · 09/11/2021 20:25

Sorry I meant the other way round with restraing order, also meant WOULDN'T be right for her in my last sentence 🤦‍♀️.

Ionlydomassiveones · 09/11/2021 20:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Gwlondon · 09/11/2021 20:30

You don’t need to do anything. Someone will tell you when you need to allow contact. Just wait until the courts ask you.

Clymene · 09/11/2021 20:30

Point of information

Unmarried women haven't been able to put men on a child's birth certificate if the man isn't since 2003.

It's pointless telling women they shouldn't put men on the birth certificate. They can't.

Clymene · 09/11/2021 20:31

That was badly edited! ConfusedGrin

In 2003 the law changed meaning that women who are not married or in civil partnerships cannot add a fathers name to their baby's birth certificate.

Clearer?

ANameChangeAgain · 09/11/2021 20:32

Leave well alone after he put you though all of that, plus the stress of a court case leading up to your baby's birth.
Contacting his mother will just open up old wounds. You are risking her wanting contact with her grandchild, then wanting to extend contact to her son, depending on whose side she is on she might minimise what he did or even lay some of the blame at your door.

Viviennemary · 09/11/2021 20:34

No don't. You know he is violent so why would you want anything to do with him.

Morgantowers · 09/11/2021 20:34

I wouldn’t tell them and I would move to a different part of the country.

BurntTheFuckOut · 09/11/2021 20:35

@Clymene

That was badly edited! ConfusedGrin

In 2003 the law changed meaning that women who are not married or in civil partnerships cannot add a fathers name to their baby's birth certificate.

Clearer?

Not quite. They can do it via post.

Also it wasn’t clear if they were married or not, which is why I said it.

ohdeariforgot · 09/11/2021 20:44

He knows you were heavily pregnant. He's been told to pursue contact through the court.

Leave it to him to sort.

Your responsibility is to keep baby safe. Not to facilitating his contact.

Original poster
jamie01 · 09/11/2021 20:46

Wow thank you all so much for the replies, your advice and opinions have made my mind a lot clearer and made me see sense, the tiredness and emotions have definitely got to me these last few days! 🙈

Yep I was advised by my IDVA not to put he's name on the birth certificate, i only want to do what's right by my daughter got a little anxious to what was right or wrong to do but I'm going to take your advice and not go there and enjoy the time with my daughter and I do believe that the best thing is from keeping her away from him. I will cross that bridge when it comes to it if he decides to go to court.

Thank you all x

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 09/11/2021 20:47

In those circumstances, no.

Congratulations Smile

WonderfulYou · 09/11/2021 20:59

Do you have a way of contacting him?

He’s obviously going to work out that his baby is due to be born soon and if he does take you to court for access you don’t want it to look like you hid it from him.
So I would have an excuse ready just in case!

I’m sure they’ll understand why you didn’t contact him but I think if you had an excuse too, like you deleted all his contact info it just means you had an extra reason not to contact him. If you have no contact details for him and you’re scared of him then there’s no way you could tell him.

TurnUpTurnip · 09/11/2021 21:01

She doesn’t need an excuse for not contacting him she has a restraining order against him, she’s not meant to be contacting him

Original poster
jamie01 · 09/11/2021 21:16

@WonderfulYou I've changed all my contact details, don't have social media, I've even moved. I have a number for he's mum and that's all.

I don't want to be contacting him at all, he can't contact me. I had a good relationship with he's mum but I made the decision to cut contact shortly after I left him, I was debating if I should let her know i had the baby but after listening to the comments on here I've decided it's not a good idea and to be honest not beneficial to me or my daughter. He did what he did and has to pay the consequences, as you say he knows when baby is due so I'm going to leave it in he's hands to request contact through the legal route.

OP posts: