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Original poster

Access ...please help

50 replies

lollypop29 · 23/10/2021 20:41

I have recently left an abusive marriage. It's taken me a lot of strength to leave and I have recently lost my dad too so my world is pretty heavy right now.

My ex and I have a 16M old child and he wants access to her 50/50. we live 2 hours apart.

My biggest problem with this is my ex looked after our daughter for the day last year when she was only a few months old (and we were together and I trusted him) and he ended up taking her to the pub (I didn't know this) and getting so drunk he got arrested and our child got taken away and I had to get her back from social services.

My ex drinks a lot. How will I trust he won't be picking her up over the limit to drive? How will I trust he won't be drinking at his home irresponsibly when he's caring for her? I've previously asked him to put her to bed as I was so exhausted I needed to have an early night and I found my toddler walking around the house ALONE at midnight as my ex had fallen asleep on the sofa. How do I know this won't happen again?

He also has an extremely demanding job & He's out multiple times a week after work...how will he have the time to have her 50/50?! I really don't feel comfortable with this. How do I know my Daughter will be safe?

I of course want them to have a relationship - but for obvious reasons I am fearful for my daughters safety in his care.

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 23/10/2021 20:48

In this case i absolutely wouldn't recommend it.

What did Ss say?

I would definitely seek legal advice..do not agree to anything it is far harder to stop something you agreed to than add contact.

50/ 50 cannot ever work 2 hours away. It will be nursery then school.

Theunamedcat · 23/10/2021 20:54

He obviously can't do it around work so it's a non starter

I'm assuming you moved away?

There is a record of neglect in his care as he got arrested so that's in your favour

You might have to go to court over this

Original poster
lollypop29 · 23/10/2021 20:55

SS we're with us for about 3 months visiting and in contact to check everything was okay ...I got told that should an event ever happen like this again it will fall on me for not protecting my child - which I completely get and I absolutely don't want to put her under that risk. But with any sort of overnight access it makes me feel uncomfortable.

How do I know what's going on? My daughter can't communicate. And I'm not allowed to message my ex to ask how my daughter is because it says it 'pisses him off'

OP posts:
Original poster
lollypop29 · 23/10/2021 20:56

@Theunamedcat

He obviously can't do it around work so it's a non starter

I'm assuming you moved away?

There is a record of neglect in his care as he got arrested so that's in your favour

You might have to go to court over this

He said his mum would have her while he was at work. I'm not having my child passed around like a toy. I'm her mum she should be with me not her grandma!
OP posts:
Helpimfalling · 23/10/2021 20:58

Is this a joke? Sorry I'm not being mean it just doesn't seem rite

Ugzbugz · 23/10/2021 20:59

He can't possibly have her 5050 with his behavior and who will look after her when he works?

Also she isn't that far off starting nursery school and then school so he again can't be commuting 2 hours to school.

Original poster
lollypop29 · 23/10/2021 21:00

@Helpimfalling

Is this a joke? Sorry I'm not being mean it just doesn't seem rite
What do you mean? No. It isn't a joke.
OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 23/10/2021 21:00

Exactly, you would need a court order with first refusal so if he couldn't care for her on his time he needs to ask you before going further afield

But considering the history it shouldn't happen because of what's happened before

He would need to prove sobriety my exes girlfriend was offered an ankle monitor at one point to try and get access to her kids she refused spoiler alert she still doesn't have her kids

Original poster
lollypop29 · 23/10/2021 21:02

@Theunamedcat

Exactly, you would need a court order with first refusal so if he couldn't care for her on his time he needs to ask you before going further afield

But considering the history it shouldn't happen because of what's happened before

He would need to prove sobriety my exes girlfriend was offered an ankle monitor at one point to try and get access to her kids she refused spoiler alert she still doesn't have her kids

I just don't know a thing about it all 😓 he's threatening me saying if I won't allow 50/50 he will lie about how much he earns and pay me less child maintenance (he's self employed)
OP posts:
titchy · 23/10/2021 21:04

Just say no. Offer him daytime only one day a week supervised in a contact centre near you. You need to be seen to be trying to facilitate safe child centred contact. But clearly given the distance and precious SS concerns about his parenting unsupervised and overnights would not be safe. If he doesn't like that he's welcome to take you to court - and no judge is going to order unsupervised when his care has resulted in her removal by SS.

Original poster
lollypop29 · 23/10/2021 21:05

How do I go about taking this to court? I am entitled to legal aid for emotional abuse and I am going to look for a solicitor next week to start the divorce process etc...will the child access be done through the solicitor too?

OP posts:
titchy · 23/10/2021 21:06

if I won't allow 50/50 he will lie about how much he earns and pay me less child maintenance (he's self employed)

So. Does that matter? Given he's self employed he's going to lie about his earnings anyway.

titchy · 23/10/2021 21:06

Don't take it court - offer him one day a week supervised. Let HIM take you to court.

Original poster
lollypop29 · 23/10/2021 21:07

@titchy

Just say no. Offer him daytime only one day a week supervised in a contact centre near you. You need to be seen to be trying to facilitate safe child centred contact. But clearly given the distance and precious SS concerns about his parenting unsupervised and overnights would not be safe. If he doesn't like that he's welcome to take you to court - and no judge is going to order unsupervised when his care has resulted in her removal by SS.
She was only removed as he got arrested - I then got a phone call from the police and I went to the police station and picked her up, but I had to be interviewed by SS before I was allowed her back as we both lost custody over her due to what he did.

SS we're then involved tor 3 months safe guarding

OP posts:
Embracelife · 23/10/2021 21:08

See a solicitor.
Don't gand dc over if you feel it is unsafe
Go back to
To ss and get advice
Let him take you to court and bring up what happened
There is a record of his bad parenting
So don't haNd her over at all
Speak to ss again

Original poster
lollypop29 · 23/10/2021 21:10

@titchy

Just say no. Offer him daytime only one day a week supervised in a contact centre near you. You need to be seen to be trying to facilitate safe child centred contact. But clearly given the distance and precious SS concerns about his parenting unsupervised and overnights would not be safe. If he doesn't like that he's welcome to take you to court - and no judge is going to order unsupervised when his care has resulted in her removal by SS.
I didn't even know contact centres were a thing - so Thankyou. I will offer this to him
OP posts:
Original poster
lollypop29 · 23/10/2021 21:11

If he is in a contact centre with her how do I know he won't just walk out and take her away?

How do I get access to a contact centre?

I'm sorry if these questions seem stupid, I just have absolutely NO idea about any of this

OP posts:
Embracelife · 23/10/2021 21:13

Look up contact centre and your postcode.
They may need to be paid for.
If court ordered you may not need to pay
So see solicitor and get advice on legal process

Embracelife · 23/10/2021 21:13

In any case as part of divorce you need a solicitor

Embracelife · 23/10/2021 21:14

A contact centre won't let him leVe with her if that is the arrangement
But might need to be court ordered so is clear
Use the pvs incident as evidence

Monsterpumpkins · 23/10/2021 21:15

You keep dd away. You wait until a judge deems him fit for any sort of contact. He is trying to blackmail you with the threat of no Cms. He doesn't get to decide about contact or financially supporting his dc...
What could he possibly bring to your dc's life?

Embracelife · 23/10/2021 21:15

naccc.org.uk/

Original poster
lollypop29 · 23/10/2021 21:16

@Embracelife

A contact centre won't let him leVe with her if that is the arrangement But might need to be court ordered so is clear Use the pvs incident as evidence
So I need to have it court ordered to make it official that that's what's going on and he is not to leave with her?
OP posts:
Embracelife · 23/10/2021 21:20

You and dc will be far better protected by legal and police route
Tell police everything.
Let them arrest him

Twillow · 23/10/2021 21:20

he's threatening me saying if I won't allow 50/50 he will lie about how much he earns and pay me less child maintenance (he's self employed)

Strictly speaking, he won't have to pay you any child maintenance if he had her 50:50. This might well be behind his thinking.