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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Access ...please help

50 replies

lollypop29 · 23/10/2021 20:41

I have recently left an abusive marriage. It's taken me a lot of strength to leave and I have recently lost my dad too so my world is pretty heavy right now.

My ex and I have a 16M old child and he wants access to her 50/50. we live 2 hours apart.

My biggest problem with this is my ex looked after our daughter for the day last year when she was only a few months old (and we were together and I trusted him) and he ended up taking her to the pub (I didn't know this) and getting so drunk he got arrested and our child got taken away and I had to get her back from social services.

My ex drinks a lot. How will I trust he won't be picking her up over the limit to drive? How will I trust he won't be drinking at his home irresponsibly when he's caring for her? I've previously asked him to put her to bed as I was so exhausted I needed to have an early night and I found my toddler walking around the house ALONE at midnight as my ex had fallen asleep on the sofa. How do I know this won't happen again?

He also has an extremely demanding job & He's out multiple times a week after work...how will he have the time to have her 50/50?! I really don't feel comfortable with this. How do I know my Daughter will be safe?

I of course want them to have a relationship - but for obvious reasons I am fearful for my daughters safety in his care.

OP posts:

Embracelife · 23/10/2021 21:21

A contact centre supervised contact court ordered will be very clear who drops off who collects and can make sure you have no direct contact with him.

An informal arrangement with volunteersmay not be safe.

Twillow · 23/10/2021 21:21

Why don't you speak to the social worker you had? Tell them what he is asking, explain that you are very concerned and ask for their advice about how to handle it.

Original poster

lollypop29 · 23/10/2021 21:22

@Twillow

he's threatening me saying if I won't allow 50/50 he will lie about how much he earns and pay me less child maintenance (he's self employed)

Strictly speaking, he won't have to pay you any child maintenance if he had her 50:50. This might well be behind his thinking.

No, he is saying that he wants her 50/50 and if I don't allow it he won't pay me but if I do allow it he will pay me what I've asked for

His words were "if you control the access, I'll control the finances"

OP posts:

Embracelife · 23/10/2021 21:22

But why do you you want dc to see him?
Has he had contact since the incident? How?

Monsterpumpkins · 23/10/2021 21:24

He doesn't get to call all the shots.. Or any shots at all.
Your DUTY op is to protect your dc....
SS will want to know why you aren't if you hand over your dc...
Ring Cms. Block him.

Embracelife · 23/10/2021 21:25

So a few months old he got arrested etc
Ss were involved.
You stayed together and he let her wander around.
Now he moved two hours away.
When did he see her last?

Original poster

lollypop29 · 23/10/2021 21:25

@Embracelife

But why do you you want dc to see him? Has he had contact since the incident? How?

Yes. The incident was last year. We have only just split up over the past day. We've still been living together as a married couple and family.

I want my daughter to have a relationship with her father. They have a very special bond together and my daughter adores him.

OP posts:

Monsterpumpkins · 23/10/2021 21:27

If Fred West visited often with bags of sweets your dd would adore him

.
Sadly your dd has no real idea who her df is...
YOU as the victim of his abuse does...
You fail her if you allow contact imo.

Embracelife · 23/10/2021 21:29

Kids love their parents.
Why did he move two hours away?
Or did you move two hours away?

Do you believe his bond is enough to keep her safe?

Original poster

lollypop29 · 23/10/2021 21:30

@Monsterpumpkins

If Fred West visited often with bags of sweets your dd would adore him

.
Sadly your dd has no real idea who her df is...
YOU as the victim of his abuse does...
You fail her if you allow contact imo.

Yes. This is exactly how I feel. I want her to be safe. I don't want to take any risks.

But then I feel like I'm taking her away from her dad 😞 my dad has just died and I couldn't imagine growing up without him.

OP posts:

Original poster

lollypop29 · 23/10/2021 21:31

@Embracelife

Kids love their parents. Why did he move two hours away? Or did you move two hours away?

Do you believe his bond is enough to keep her safe?

I moved. I moved two hours away because I moved home to where I am from and where my family and support network are.

OP posts:

Original poster

lollypop29 · 23/10/2021 21:33

His mum is also extremely pushy. She basically called the shots as to what I was doing when the incident happened. I didn't even want him home and she insisted he came home and told me it would look bad on me if he didn't.

OP posts:

Stripyhoglets1 · 23/10/2021 21:54

Don't let him and his mum push you around. You need to keep your child safe from him and he cannot be trusted to keep her safe.
Go to the police about the domestic abuse ASAP and a solicitor.
Offer supervised contact only at a contact centre and nothing else to keep her safe.
If he has her 50/50 he won't have to pay you anything.

Monsterpumpkins · 23/10/2021 22:04

Would you have been happy if your dm had suffered abuse at the hands of your df and she had handed you over?
In time your dd will know full facts.
.
If she is around to be told. Recently a 16 month old dd isn't so lucky...

BananaPB · 24/10/2021 13:03

50/50 contact means no maintenance payable

What you're looking for is a Child Arrangement Order. It sets out when he sees her.

Yanbu to say that 50/50 won't work as you live 2 hours apart and dd can't be registered at 2 schools.

BananaPB · 24/10/2021 13:06

If he's self employed, he could fiddle the figures whenever it suits him. He clearly can't be trusted.

Your judgement is clouded because you had a great father. You need to try and stop thinking like that. Your ex is not your Dad.

Larryyourwaiter · 24/10/2021 13:24

Was this threat in a text? I would start making sure you have screenshots off all this.
Also write down a timeline/keep a diary of what’s going on. How much contact has he had in this time, you can’t hand a child over to basically a stranger.
It’s up to him to chase for access, you can offer him something reasonable (contact centre) and you are then seen as facilitating the access in an appropriate way (especially after what happened).

FelicityPike · 26/10/2021 14:39

Yet you want him to buy you a house?

Original poster

lollypop29 · 26/10/2021 14:53

@FelicityPike

Yet you want him to buy you a house?

Literally wtf is wrong with you? When did I say I want him to buy me an entire house. I said a contribution towards what I'll already paying over 80% for. Get a grip and stop trolling me.

OP posts:

FelicityPike · 26/10/2021 17:28

It’s not trolling to discuss what your saying on your other thread.

Original poster

lollypop29 · 26/10/2021 17:44

@FelicityPike

It’s not trolling to discuss what your saying on your other thread.

Didn't say ANYWHERE I wanted him to buy me 100% of a house did I.

OP posts:

FelicityPike · 26/10/2021 18:44

No, and I never said you did.

Original poster

lollypop29 · 26/10/2021 18:50

@FelicityPike

No, and I never said you did.

You've just stated I want him to 'buy me a house' wrong. I'd like a contribution to the house I will be paying almost all for.

OP posts:

Spandang · 26/10/2021 19:00

I got told that should an event ever happen like this again it will fall on me for not protecting my child

If social services have told you that then listen.

If you knowingly send your daughter to him, believing it’s unsafe you’re saying one of two things:

I don’t believe there is an issue - plays badly in court.
I believe there is an issue but I sent her anyway - that’s you neglecting your daughter.

Go to a solicitor, ask them to put correspondence to him in writing.

Make sure you reported the DV to the police. Make sure you report any subsequent issues to the appropriate authority, give your name, make it documented.

Leave him to submit a CAO for access. He most probably won’t because it will cost him money. Up until you do that you should refuse unsupervised access, if you allow unsupervised access you’re saying he isn’t a threat to her.

Set up one email address just for him, tell him you won’t communicate by text or phone any more. He or his solicitor is to contact you via email which you will check once a week. Block his number. Keep any previous texts and correspondence.

He will either file the order or he won’t. If he files you can deal with it then. But until he does he’s bandying around meaningless threats and if they escalate you should report them to the police.

The money - as others have said. Courts aren’t interested in money. So I would make an application to the CSA, let them deal with him. Don’t engage. If you opted for 50/50 shared care legally you’re entitled to nothing so, while he says X, he probably will do Y. I don’t know why you’d trust his word on that matter.

Original poster

lollypop29 · 26/10/2021 19:13

@Spandang

I got told that should an event ever happen like this again it will fall on me for not protecting my child

If social services have told you that then listen.

If you knowingly send your daughter to him, believing it’s unsafe you’re saying one of two things:

I don’t believe there is an issue - plays badly in court.
I believe there is an issue but I sent her anyway - that’s you neglecting your daughter.

Go to a solicitor, ask them to put correspondence to him in writing.

Make sure you reported the DV to the police. Make sure you report any subsequent issues to the appropriate authority, give your name, make it documented.

Thankyou! In the process of getting solicitor so will talk to them about CAO

OP posts:

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