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Original poster

Ex has asked DD to call his partner mum

53 replies

MaisieMoo7 · 28/08/2021 23:40

My DD (7) has been asked by my ex to call his partner “mum”. They’ve been together 4 years and from very early on in the r/s my DD was asked to call her stepmum but as they are getting married soon (it’s his third marriage - he’s early 40s!) he wants her to call her mum. My DD told me this tonight and says she’s confused because it’s being forced upon her. She sees her dad EOW and extra time during the holidays so he is a constant part in her life. My ex is a classic narcissist and a serial cheat. I just wanted your thoughts about how to respond to it. I know narcs love the drama and he will know that it will upset me which it does. Should I just ignore?! WWYD?

OP posts:
PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 29/08/2021 00:44

No, it isn't fair to ask her to do that if she doesn't want to. Different things work for different families but it should always be the child who chooses (for example, I know one where the little girl has Mummy and Mummy Lucy*).

Is it maybe that the SM doesn't like being called just her first name? If so maybe she would be ok with something like Auntie Beth or Miss Beth? It needs to be something your DD is happy to call her though.

*not her actual name

GetDownWithTheCygent · 29/08/2021 00:44

This is outrageous, absurd and completely unacceptable. I would find such a request hurtful, spiteful and disrespectful. You are her mum, you gave birth to her, no one else has the right to be called mum by your child and vice versa for her dad. I would be speaking to my ex and his new wife and telling them no way. I had a step mother growing up and I never called her mum. I was 9 when my dad met her and I am now 35 and still call her by first name. I would push it to the point that if they insisted on such nonsense then you wouldn't feel comfortable with your DD going/staying with your ex

urbanbuddha · 29/08/2021 00:46

It's a bit more than overstepping boundaries I think. He's overstepping your boundaries, but it seems more like emotional abuse of your DD to me - shaping her to suit his needs.

WeBurnedSoBrightWeBurnedOut · 29/08/2021 00:47

Absolutely no way would I allow my child to call another woman Mum. She's not her mum. No chance. That would be the end of the conversation for me.

DeRigueurMortis · 29/08/2021 00:59

This would be a hard no from me.

Your DD has a mother.

It's not even so much about what would I would feel about this, it's about the emotional burden on your daughter in being coerced into treating her fathers partner in a way she is very uncomfortable with.

I'm a SM btw and would NEVER have put forward such a suggestion.

DSD has a special nickname for me (based on my real name) that was her invention and that's lovely.

This isn't a keep the peace situation.

It's an absolutely awful thing to ask of your DD. Especially so given your Ex's track record.

In your place I'd tell your DD she has no obligation to call anyone Mum apart from you and I'd send a very strongly worded to communication to Ex about him and his partner respecting boundaries to the point of saying if they want to push forward with this you'll tell DD they get to be named Fuck and Off respectively.

Yaya26 · 29/08/2021 01:10

Absolutely not! You're Mum. The stepmom is "whatever the heck her first name is" . Wierd!

ItsallBollocksanyway · 29/08/2021 01:36

I'd be furious and be taking it up with your ex, telling him and SM to back off, to let your DD choose a name she is comfortable with
Worth chatting to your DD that if she calls SM mum you won't be upset, that you are her mother, you made her and looked after her in your tummy (or if adopted her, how that happened) talk about how you looked after and loved her as a baby and as she has grown up etc , and that if she calls someone else mum, it doesn't take away how special your relationship is. She may feel pressure from your ex but at least she won't have to worry about upsetting or betraying you

DifficultBloodyWoman · 29/08/2021 01:49

As a stepmother, I would be horrified at this! The kids already have a mother. I am happy to play a more distant version of a maternal role when they are around but I am absolutely, positively not their mum!

Caramellatteplease · 29/08/2021 01:54

When my DD faced this I told her to do whatever makes her life easier, we both knew who her mum really was there was no point in making a shitty situation worse.

DomPom47 · 29/08/2021 02:01

You need to have a clear and simple conversation with your daughters. When she is with them she will go along with what they say due to the power imbalance.
Speak to your ex and say this will not be happening as she is not your daughters mum. Then do what a PP said and ask him whether he would be happy with your daughter calling another guy dad. If I were you I would also speak to his partner and just tell her this is not happening.

MosaicLife · 29/08/2021 02:36

It is totally repugnant and emotionally abusive towards your DD.

I hope there is some way of shutting it down without distressing your DD further than she must already be.

Pinkyxx · 29/08/2021 13:44

when this happened with my DD, my response was to ask her if she wanted to call her step mother ''Mum''.. emphasizing that if she did that was ok with me. Her response was 'no I don't - she is not my Mum!!', so I said 'well, you don't need to call her Mum then do you' and changed the subject. That was the end of it. I didn't mention it to ex.

Don't empower petty nonsense by fueling it with emotion & drama - it's exactly what he wants.. it's plainly a ridiculously absurd suggestion.

TwinsandTrifle · 29/08/2021 13:54

*Have they said she can if she wants to, and they'd like it, or have they instructed DD that she is to call her mum. The former seems likely.

The two are very different.*

it's all there in the opening post...

Well, no, to be fair, we've got a 7yr olds recount. Even OP then goes on to say she needs to decipher what has happened.

I find it really unlikely that someone has strictly instructed a 7yr old to call someone who isn't her mother, her mother. It's much more likely that they've said something akin to "Once we get married, Jane will be like another Mummy"

Maybe the child said "so I call you Mummy now??" And they replied "You can". Which I don't think is necessary by the way. But if a little 7yr old calls Jane: Mummy, Mama, Jane, JJ, or Mrs (Bloody) Sparkles, at the end of the day, she knows who her mum is. And if a little nickname strengthens the bond between her and another woman who will care for her very closely, is it truly that disastrous?

Obviously if the unlikely event that "you must now call Jane, Mummy, or else" has happened, this is not ok.

Hope it all works out ok, OP.

Millionnewnames · 29/08/2021 14:11

Urgh. That’s odd and creepy! Sort of embarrassing and needy of the woman. Does she have her own children? It’s sets off alarm bells in my head.
My 2 birth children call me mum. One girl I looked after who’s parents had both died chose to call me mum. My daughters boyfriend does occasionally. I would absolutely refuse to be called mum by a young child who had a mum already. The woman and your ex are batshit and I suspect there is an ulterior motive. Tell DD to giggle and say ‘don’t be silly I already have a mum , you’re Sue* I love spending time with you though’.
And repeat.

helentomelon · 29/08/2021 14:19

You need to advocate for your daughter but steer clear of any of the "she only has one mum and that's me" stuff. They dont care about your feelings so talking about that will create drama.

"Dd doesn't feel comfortable calling Sarah Mum. Perhaps one day she will want to of her own accord but for now she doesn't want to. Please don't force the issue as this is causing her upset"

You may get further that way. As to continue would mean he is openly and willingly causing his dd to be unhappy.

If he persists after that, there's not a great deal you can do because you can't control what happens there. Make sure your dd knows she isn't being naughty by not complying but that if she feels like it would be easier then she can call sm Mum and it won't upset you.

My dd called her step mum "mum" but in another language. There are some nice translations she could suggest maybe?

GettingItOutThere · 29/08/2021 22:39

wtf! absolutely not, poor girl!

she has one mum, you! Have a chat to the idiot and explain to him that how thrilled he would be your daughter calling another man dad?
He would not be amused.

How disrespectful to you

brittleheadgirl · 29/08/2021 22:41

Absolutely not!
Ask him if he's ok with your dd calling any future dp of yours Dad?
I suspect he wouldn't be happy!!!

Gremlina · 13/09/2021 23:44

I think its absolutely disgusting and beyond disrespectful to you, for him to come out with that sort of bollocks and force it on your daughter!! his partner is exactly that his partner not his childs mum that's you, you are mum and I think you want to be telling him that your daughter will NOT be calling her mum and will only be called by her actual name, even more so if its confusing your girl.

ozymandiusking · 13/09/2021 23:57

The daughter could use her Christian name, or Mrs and her surname.

Stinkywizzleteets · 14/09/2021 00:08

How about suggesting she use “stepmother” in a very Cinderella kind of way.

Poor child shouldn’t have been put on the spot by your ex like that

Viviennemary · 14/09/2021 00:27

No this is not a good idea. Tell them no. She is not her mother.

Kanaloa · 14/09/2021 05:16

Awful and horrible. I agree something like Auntie stepmum name would be okay, but why on earth would she call her dad’s wife who she sees every two weeks mum?

Needanewadventure2021 · 14/09/2021 13:19

The issue for me here is she is being asked/told to call her stepmother Mum. It's different if the child feels comfortable addressing her that way and it slips out every now and then, but the fact she is being asked to call her Mum I find really bad.

Make sure she calls her what she chooses to, and if her Dad asks she needs to tell him 'I don't want to. I call my Mum, Mum so I want to call ..... (whatever she chooses).

If he wants to then say anything to you, you just need to say I'm not telling my daughter to call another woman Mum if she doesn't want to. it's her choice we need to respect it

ShaneTheThird · 14/09/2021 13:25

So wrong. Please reassure your dd she doesn't have to call her sm mum. My stepchild calls me mummy sometimes and I always correct him with my real name and tell him mummy is at home and he will see her later. What they are doing is dispicable, using a young child for their own selfish desires.

flowergirl2020 · 14/09/2021 13:42

Absolutely not. And I say this as a step mum. I would never allow this never mind request or encourage it. You have one mum and one dad. The only time where I could ever really relax this is in situations where the Mum has never been on the scene or has passed. I can understand for young children the need to fit and need one, but in this situation it's pushy, inappropriate and unfair. Tell them to get bent. Xx