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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Kids going away with Dad

33 replies

Sooz127 · 15/07/2021 08:50

It's been a while since I've needed any advice. Just kind of been getting on with things.

Ex has booked a holiday for him and the kids, first one since our split. What's the norm re packing for the kids. Kind of begrudge the whole washing, ironing and packing (I know it's for the kids) but at what point does it become his job. Do I prepare for their holiday with him as well as the holiday I am planning for the kids?

Am I being selfish in expecting him to step in and take up some of the work?

Mind is blown as I just don't know what to do for the best. We literally cannot talk to each other, other than by text as his behaviour towards me is still controlling and narcissistic if he doesn't get his own way.

OP posts:

RosmertasMead · 15/07/2021 08:56

Depends if they have enough clothes at his house for him to pack for a holiday.

FelicityPike · 15/07/2021 08:56

I would text him & ask “if he has everything for the kids holiday and if he needs you to pick up anything like a new toothbrush?”

I’ll bet he expects two suitcases full of new clothes and toiletries ready packed for him to collect.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 15/07/2021 08:57

His holiday plans he need to plan and that means buying holiday clothes surely? Why would you do it op?
Wish them a lovely time and do absolutely no more!!

Theunamedcat · 15/07/2021 08:58

I would maybe send a text asking if he has everything mist likely leave it to him

What do you usually provide for overnight stay with him?

30degreesandmeltinghere · 15/07/2021 09:02

Why would op need to prompt him about anything? If he can't even organise the packing should he even be taking the dc on holiday?

Travielkapelka · 15/07/2021 09:07

Seriously? Your children are going away. If they live primarily with you then pack their bags and wish them a good holiday. All you'll do by being so petty is to make them feel awkward and upset. It's hardly rocket science. And yes, I am a lone parent

stopknockingonmydoor · 15/07/2021 09:10

@RosmertasMead

Depends if they have enough clothes at his house for him to pack for a holiday.

And if he doesn't then he'll have to go out and buy them what they need, won't he?

DSD comes on holiday with us every time, I'd never expect her DM to provide her with a suitcase ready to take, we buy everything. She may treat DSD to a new dress to take, or give her a little for spends, but it's never expected.

His holiday, his responsibility.

Original poster

Sooz127 · 15/07/2021 09:36

Thanks everyone for your mostly positive advice!
I have messaged the kids dad to see if he has everything they need and see if this can open a positive dialogue.
Having spent the last 20 odd years being the only one to prepare for holidays I am sure he is at a loss as to where to begin.

OP posts:

30degreesandmeltinghere · 15/07/2021 09:50

Op you set yourself up to be micro managing his parenting forever more. Surely this is an opportunity for him to step up alone?
The benefits of being divorced!

Chasingsquirrels · 15/07/2021 10:01

We discuss whether either of us needs some of the kids clothes which are at the other parents house (because being away for 7-10-14 days may require more clothes than being at home with washing facilties, and it doesn't make sense to buy more that the child doesn't actually need when they do have enough clothes they just aren't all in the same place at the same time).

Depending on the holiday we might also ask to borrow kit - eg mine were both scouts, they have roll mats, sleeping bags etc and it doesn't make sense for them to have 2 sets, so they go on hobday with them.
Ditto coats, wellies etc.

The stuff gets dug out and handed over at some point in the couple of weeks before the holiday (well they are teens now and sorted out themselves).
Gets washed by the holidaymaker and returned, unless child is coming straight back to non-holidaymaker and stuff will be needed immediately (one summer my kids had pretty much back to back holidays and camps with one or other parent and scouts all summer).

I wouldn't "pack a bag" for them to take directly on holiday, but then my kids spent 2 nights a week at their dads house and have plenty of stuff there.

MoiraNotRuby · 15/07/2021 10:09

How old are the kids? I would try and think what is best for them. That might be gritting your teeth and taking responsibility for the packing especially if they won't have that many more holidays in their childhood.

However if they are still quite young I would be more likely to create rules with ex so you aren't doing this for years to come.

Original poster

Sooz127 · 15/07/2021 10:12

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Op you set yourself up to be micro managing his parenting forever more. Surely this is an opportunity for him to step up alone? The benefits of being divorced!

This is how I feel, I have been the washer, ironer and Packer for more years than I care to count. So far I have failed his children because I didn't book a restaurant for him and the kids for Father's Day! I am failing to remind him of important dates (his stepdads birthday) and all of this while still living with the fact that he will not commit to a financial settlement that secures a roof over his children's head. But that's another thread. This is never going to be an amicable separation given the behaviour exhibited and still being exhibited by this man who cares very little about anyone but himself and his own future.

OP posts:

30degreesandmeltinghere · 15/07/2021 10:16

Step back. Or next disaster he causes he will blame you to the dc.. They need to accept his lack of parenting is his responsibility.. They do need 1 stable decent parent... You know it's you. You don't need to pander to him anymore

MoiraNotRuby · 15/07/2021 10:19

Reading your latest post can I add a massive congratulations on separating from this man, it sounds like you have been through a lot and come out strong and dignified.

Theunamedcat · 15/07/2021 12:31

If he comes back with a list tell him there clothing sizes are xyz primark is cheap have a good holiday im looking forward to a little quiet time followed by lots of noise from them telling me what a great time they had

And bow out

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/07/2021 12:32

Dont help him!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/07/2021 12:35

Agree with what's said above too, if he texts and says "the kids need x y z" just reply "yep that sounds like a good list, I'm sure you will be able to pick most of that up at Primark or Asda"

Willwebebuyingnumber11 · 15/07/2021 12:37

All you need to do is drop them off at his.

He has booked the holiday therefore needs to buy & pack clothes, towels, shoes, toiletries & paperwork.

Not your holiday, not your packing!

Mumdiva99 · 15/07/2021 12:38

I agree with the person that said there is no benefit to the kids for parents buying more than they need. If money is wasted buying an additional swim suit then it might not be there when they really do need a new pair of trainers. So I would ask him to create a list of what they might need from your house and you can tell him if they won't be able to bring it - so that he can sort that out.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/07/2021 12:41

But surely with separated parents the kids have clothes at both houses? Surely Mums dont pack overnight bags full of everything a kid needs for them to go and stay with the other parent who should also have in what their DC needs?

Fair enough if the kid has a preferred item/outfit they want to keep with them but otherwise?

Notaroadrunner · 15/07/2021 12:48

If he replies that he doesn't have anything prepared just reply that he needs to do so. Tell the kids that dad should have everything they need for their trip. If he doesn't bring enough clothes surely he can find a clothes shop near their destination. If he doesn't pack a toothbrush/toothpaste then he can buy them there. Don't offer to do anything and if he asks tell him it's up to him to sort things - with a promise that you won't ask him to organise and pack their holiday things if you are bringing them away at any stage.

Willwebebuyingnumber11 · 15/07/2021 13:07

@Mumdiva99 but surely people who can’t afford shoes for their kids aren’t booking holidays?

Mumdiva99 · 15/07/2021 13:41

[quote Willwebebuyingnumber11]@Mumdiva99 but surely people who can’t afford shoes for their kids aren’t booking holidays?[/quote]
I didn't quite say they can't afford shoes for the kids. But don't you want the money that is available used for things the kids need. And not used to duplicate items unnecessarily for the sake of it..... (I fully agree it's not mums responsibility to ensure the kids have sunscreen or toothpaste....but can give the swim suits, swimming towels, crocs etc to dad for the duration....)

Theunamedcat · 15/07/2021 14:29

Swimming towels? We just use towels Swimming costumes for kids are going to be used all summer why not buy your own crocs? Seriously no one really wears them they are slippery as hell in the wet shorts and tshirts will be worn in the summer just minimise the traffic of my house to yours and buy your own

CiaoForNiao · 15/07/2021 14:46

The one and only holiday my ex took the DC on I packed and sent everything. Even toothpaste and suncream (apparently my dc weren't allowed to use the stuff ex and his DW bought for their DC )
Clothes etc made sense as they don't stay at his often enough to have things there. I was annoyed about the suncream/toothpaste etc but ultimately sent it because otherwise its the DC who suffer.
Of course it all came back unwashed but I've long since learned to just put up with it otherwise my ex stops seeing the dc.

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