Feel like I'm losing my DD

[mrsstyles]

....maybe a bit over dramatic but I've been so emotional last few weeks.

I've 7yo dd. Split from ex before she was one as he had an affair for over a year starting just before DD was born. I found out and we split but OW stayed with her husband for a few years.

Fast forward a few years and my exH is now with OW and my DD stays 2 nights a week. I'm completely over the relationship and no interest in their lives other than in relation to DD.

Last 2 years has been very difficult, DD not wanting to go to her dads, hysterical at handovers, really impacted her general mood etc. Throughout all this i genuinely encouraged contact and always convinced her to go. Even took her to a play therapist to help with her emotions which made a massive improvement and deal with a huge amount of change she experienced in a very short timeframe (that's another story).

So much so that she's now so excited to go and so much happier in general. Obviously this is amazing and what I want for her as it was honestly heartbreaking forcing contact last 2 years when she was hysterical about going (there is a court agreement in place).

I'm so happy for my DD and my biggest wish is that she's happy & content.

However, I know how selfish this sound but verr recently (last 2-3 weeks) she's telling me she loves her dad more. My answer is that as long as she's happy and loves us both, I'm happy etc etc. But last couple of weeks she's not stopped talking about her SM (the OW). How pretty she is, how much fun she is, she's got nicer hair than me, nicer make up than me. And she can't wait to see her!! Is this just a phase after spending the last year of struggling to adjust and not wanting to be around her at all?

Please be nice, I know it's selfish. I keep this to myself and always put DD first. Even to the extent that she says "why are you so nice about my dad and L when they don't like you?" "They're not nice about you, why are you nice about them?" "Dad and L don't like me talking about you when I'm with them?"

Is it just me or do they have a cheek making it obvious to her they don't like me? After me going out my way to put on this big facade about how great I think her dad is, how important it is for her to have a relationship with them etc.

If I can pretend I like my cheating ex and the OW (who knew me and new I was pregnant when the affair a started) for the sake of my daughter, why can't they do the same?

I honestly get so stressed and anxious that she's going to end up preferring them , mixed with the fact she's picking up that they don't like me!

Sorry for the rant, just want to know if anyone else feels this way as I feel so guilty for getting jealous that she might prefer her new SM.

Last night was the final straw when she said she loved me & L the same amount as we're both like a mum to her! I smile and nod to this, but my name isn't allowed to be mentioned in their house??

Ps I'm not upset with my dd at all. Her emotions have been all over the place and I don't think she knows what she's saying (or at least hope she doesn't mean it!)

Thanks for listening

I am so sorry. My heart would break hearing that. It sounds as if you are handling it very well in front of your daughter. But i would have a serious word with her father about speaking respectfully about you in front of her. Hopefully he'll be embarassed when he realises (although maybe not, but at least they'll know that you aren't an easy target).

In a while she'll be mature enough to recognise that they are being horrible and will be defensive for you.

She's hearing this stuff from them and parroting it back to you. 7 year olds are very easy to manipulate however at the very end of the day she only has one mum and you're doing absolute the right thing. She will come to realise the disparity between the two homes as she gets older and she will see very clearly that the ow is clearly a selfish bitch and hopefully she'll see her dad for the dick he is when he slags off her mum.

She's pushing boundaries with you and trying to manipulate you as they're manipulating her. Keep not rising to it. It is hard but you won't lose her.

I think this is the perfect time to introduce your kid to the concept of kindness. She may be a child but that doesn’t mean she cannot learn to be nicer about what she says. Would you tolerate your child telling other kid that her other friend is nicer or prettier than her? You would correct that, won’t you? It is time for her to learn that as much as you enjoy she feels loved abd comfortable on both houses that comparisons as such are never polite.

But also keep in mind that kids tend to take for granted those they feel safest around, so her making a fuss about them and not you may not necessarily be a bad thing. She knows you love her deeply, so she doesn’t feel the need to fuss so much over you to keep you happy.

She mentions you, she gets a rise out of them.

She mentions them, she doesn't get the rise out of you.

I think she's just trying it on. I would mention to your ex that dd is telling you he's talking bad about you though. Hopefully he will stop but I doubt it. They're relationship clearly isn't very secure if dd can't even mention you ;)

She is only 7 and will grow out of this phase. Don’t worry about the ex and mentioning your name-sounds petty.

Time is your greatest friend and with time it will change things again

Thanks everyone. All the replies have made me feel a bit better about it.

It probably sounds a bit OTT but after everything we've been through together it's always felt like we have an extra special bond and I just worry it's not going to be like that forever. I guess the last couple of years when she's struggled with going to her dads I've been used to being her main person if that makes sense?! I know that's not healthy for her tho and it's good she has more adults she is this close to in her life. I have no problem with her talking about her dad and how much she loves him etc, it's more her feelings towards the OW that feel like a betrayal (not that she has any idea of anything that's gone on).

Thanks for making me feel better tho

Stop smiling and nodding!
'When you say L is prettier than me, it is unkind and makes me feel sad'
'I'm glad you love L but she's not your mummy'
And stop going on about how great her dad is

@GrandmasCat that's the weird thing about I'm this, is that she's generally the kindest politest little girl. I know I'm biased but her report card from school and everyone who knows her - the first thing they always say is how kind she is and she's always looking out for others.

It just seems to be with me and a recent thing. She doesn't say it as blunt as it is in my OP as I'm paraphrasing but that's the general message she gives me.

I'd absolutely never put up with her saying that to anyone else tho, not that I think she would. She's actually very emotionally mature for her age and very wary of ( and maybe too much sensitive to) hurting others feelings.

It's like she's suddenly rebelling against me tho, e.g. not as affectionate and wanting more independence but maybe that's normal for her at this age and I'm reading too much into it!

As another single mum of a 7yr old dd I am sending hugs @mrsstyles and a promise that it is a phase and she will get over it.

You are her constant, her safe place to be a best and mean and know it's ok cos you will always be there and always love her..

My ex didn't have an affair, but he never got over his exw and I never really stood a chance. He is a shit dad most of the time, but he is her dad and she loves him.

You are doing the right thing by not bad mouthing ex and ow and supporting and encouraging their relationship with dd. That said I would have a written conversation about her comments re them slagging you off. I would be firm and say that it is unfair emotionally on dd to deal with that and that if it doesn't cease you may consider further action.

Then speak to a solicitor and a court, technically it is parental alienation and the courts frown on it massively. If it continues, speak to her school for support and document everything. Then approach the court as this is damaging to your dd.

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Stop smiling and nodding! 'When you say L is prettier than me, it is unkind and makes me feel sad' 'I'm glad you love L but she's not your mummy' And stop going on about how great her dad is

You're right about being too nice about her dad but it was genuinely heartbreaking when I had to force her to go and stay (via court order) so I decided if she had to go, I wanted her to be happy when she's there.

I thought her saying she didn't like him would be worse if she thought I didn't like him. I was also worried she was looking for my approval to love him/enjoy being with him if that makes sense.

I don't want her to feel caught in the middle or think there's any animosity between us but I guess he's not willing to do the same.

I can't get my head round the fact that THEY hate ME so much after every they've done. I find it strange i manage to be more civil than them 🤷🏻‍♀️

Then speak to a solicitor and a court, technically it is parental alienation and the courts frown on it massively. If it continues, speak to her school for support and document everything. Then approach the court as this is damaging to your dd.

What should she be 'speaking to court' about? What kind of order do you think she can get to stop them badmouthing her to her DD? This isn't 'parental alienation' technically or in any other sense.

OP there is no remit for court to get involved here.

They sound like arseholes. But they can't steal her from you - your relationship is strong as a rock despite what she might be saying at the moment.

I’m sorry but if your daughter is so upset she needed therapy to go and see her father why on earth did you facilitate that??

@pollylocketpickedapocket it wasn't that she "needed therapy", she was struggling with a lot of change on her life in the space of a year and there were a few health issues in the family. All of those things mixed with us previously being together 24/7 during to lockdown seemed to be causing quite extreme separation anxiety.

It was heartbreaking seeing how upset she was when she had to go and I hated seeing her like that.

There is a court agreement and I got legal advice & was told if she refused to go I had to treat it in the same way as if she refused to go to school, e.g. if she didn't want to go to school I wouldn't just say "that's fine stay with me"

I was told this was the same concept so I thought if she had to go I wanted her to be happy so I did it for her own good.

She had a good relationship with her dad for 4/5 years before all this and it seems to be better again. My dd is so much happier now in general so from that POV it's world. I guess it's now me struggling to adjust!

@pollylocketpickedapocket she's also very sensitive and very in touch with her emotions. Two of the main things that came out therapy were: 1) she didn't like leaving me in general in case something bad happened to me (apparently that's been quite common after lockdown) and, 2) she thought her dad didn't love her now he had a new partner and had moved in with her.

Think it was the first one causing the extreme reaction but the 2nd didn't help.

Once she was able to verbalise how she was feeling and I could talk to her about it, she's like her old self and so much happier. It's just me struggling now with the fear it's gone too far the other way!!

You could ask why they don't like you, and when she says she doesn't know, as I can't think there is actually a reason, say 'oh, that's not very kind of them is it?'
Lots of cuddles and letting her know you love her regardless.
And don't look too hurt as it's handy she is reporting back what they are saying things to her - that way you can keep tabs on things that might affect her happiness and counteract them.

Could it be that your daughter is going on about you at their house (like she's talking about OW at yours), but they are more obvious that they don't want to hear it. To be really overly generous to your DH, he probably feels more insecure as a parent than you do and he also wants to protect his partner's feelings.

With all the 'OW's hair is so pretty' stuff I wonder if in a way your DD is trying to 'make everything right' by matchmaking you so the three adults in her life can all be friends? I bet she's telling them about how great you are too.

@ColouringPencils funnily enough DD has said a few times how similar me and OW are and how we should all be friends.
I also wonder aid after a year plus of not wanting to go and feeling pushed out by the OW, it's now a novelty for them to be getting on so well and it will pass with time once the novelty wears off? That's what i try and tell myself anyway.

I think the OW is massively insecure but me and ex can't stand each other so I'm note sure why she feels that way? It's like she's trying to compete with me over my own DD. My ex-husband she can have, she's more than welcome to him 😂

Your poor DD. Your ex and OW badmouthing her primary carer (you) to her has the potential to cause her some serious issues.

I wouldn't worry about the favourites/"I love you more" stuff - children are notoriously fickle and often fawn over the more absent parent and take the main parent for granted.

I would however send a civil email to your ex asking him to refrain from being negative about you in your DD's presence. Tell him he can criticise you as much as he wants to anyone else, but your DD will feel much more secure and happy if the three main adults in her life are positive about each other (or at least civil) in front of DD. Point out that you are always nice when speaking about him and OW because it is best for DD that she views them positively and doesn't have to deal with conflicted loyalties.

You have done all the right things. Of course you would get your daughter help for her anxiety. What parent wouldn't seek support for their children?

I would dial down the how great they are though. I don't bad mouth the kids dad and ow. But I also don't lie. Or sugar coat things. He has been a shit dad. (I don't say that). Cancelled contacted. Ignored calls text for months. Doesn't pay his way etc etc. Kids sleeping on floors. And just left to watch endless films.

I say their dad loves them but sometimes he is a rubbish dad and lets them down. And they are allowed to be upset about that. I don't know why he does it. (Pub and coke). Hopefully they will see him soon

Also ow. She is not your mum or like a mum. She is another adult who loves you and you have a family fully of people like that. Mention aunts. Grandparents. And it's good to have all these people in your life.

This will pass. I can't imagine how hurt you are. I am sure I may have this too come but so far my ex has continually let them down and they see him for what he is.

That sounds really tough and I feel for you. I think you need to have more confidence in your bond with your DD though. I think she has noticed a difference between how you respond to how her Dad and OW respond, and is testing it out. It must be hard for her to hear them being negative about you when she is there, she is probably checking to make sure you are not going to do the same to her when she is with you. You are, as it sounds like you always have been, someone she can express any feeling/opinion with and feel safe. I think if you keep doing what you are doing, it will all work out fine. I agree with PP though, maybe you don't need to be quite so positive about her Dad, just not negative.

Thanks @Stormyequine and @unicornsarereal72

I think more neutral is the way to go! And maybe I'm being a bit too sensitive and over thinking it. It's so hard after 6 years when I feel like ex & OW are still having so much of an impact on how I feel when I've been over the affair for years!

And @unicornsarereal72 sorry to hear about your situation too. It sounds shit but you're doing amazing to deal with that

There was a time dd was saying ow was like a mum to her because she was daddy girl friend. As above I explained about special adults in her life. But only one mum. And they do zero parenting. Nothing to do with school. Activities. Appointment or buying anything they need. So I reacted. Hopefully in an ok way.

Both my kids see and know it's all on me. No one is more special than your mum. She is the one you want when you are sad or sick. Just keep doing what you are doing. You are doing great. (Lots of doing there sorry)

I'm very lucky we are a happy secure family unit. And I just hope the children remember their childhood as a happy time regardless of their father letting them down so much.