Feel like I'm losing my DD

[mrsstyles]

....maybe a bit over dramatic but I've been so emotional last few weeks.

I've 7yo dd. Split from ex before she was one as he had an affair for over a year starting just before DD was born. I found out and we split but OW stayed with her husband for a few years.

Fast forward a few years and my exH is now with OW and my DD stays 2 nights a week. I'm completely over the relationship and no interest in their lives other than in relation to DD.

Last 2 years has been very difficult, DD not wanting to go to her dads, hysterical at handovers, really impacted her general mood etc. Throughout all this i genuinely encouraged contact and always convinced her to go. Even took her to a play therapist to help with her emotions which made a massive improvement and deal with a huge amount of change she experienced in a very short timeframe (that's another story).

So much so that she's now so excited to go and so much happier in general. Obviously this is amazing and what I want for her as it was honestly heartbreaking forcing contact last 2 years when she was hysterical about going (there is a court agreement in place).

I'm so happy for my DD and my biggest wish is that she's happy & content.

However, I know how selfish this sound but verr recently (last 2-3 weeks) she's telling me she loves her dad more. My answer is that as long as she's happy and loves us both, I'm happy etc etc. But last couple of weeks she's not stopped talking about her SM (the OW). How pretty she is, how much fun she is, she's got nicer hair than me, nicer make up than me. And she can't wait to see her!! Is this just a phase after spending the last year of struggling to adjust and not wanting to be around her at all?

Please be nice, I know it's selfish. I keep this to myself and always put DD first. Even to the extent that she says "why are you so nice about my dad and L when they don't like you?" "They're not nice about you, why are you nice about them?" "Dad and L don't like me talking about you when I'm with them?"

Is it just me or do they have a cheek making it obvious to her they don't like me? After me going out my way to put on this big facade about how great I think her dad is, how important it is for her to have a relationship with them etc.

If I can pretend I like my cheating ex and the OW (who knew me and new I was pregnant when the affair a started) for the sake of my daughter, why can't they do the same?

I honestly get so stressed and anxious that she's going to end up preferring them , mixed with the fact she's picking up that they don't like me!

Sorry for the rant, just want to know if anyone else feels this way as I feel so guilty for getting jealous that she might prefer her new SM.

Last night was the final straw when she said she loved me & L the same amount as we're both like a mum to her! I smile and nod to this, but my name isn't allowed to be mentioned in their house??

Ps I'm not upset with my dd at all. Her emotions have been all over the place and I don't think she knows what she's saying (or at least hope she doesn't mean it!)

Thanks for listening

I feel really strongly that the standard advice to "never bad mouth the ex" is bullshit. It might be better than open hostilities, but the idea that one parent should effectively ignore the bad behaviour of another is almost akin to gaslighting the child caught in the middle.

Parents should never burden children with their own emotions, but calling out and naming bad behaviour in an ex partner in a rational, factual manner that makes it clear that the child is in no way responsible is, IMO, vital. Why should a child be left to figure this out on their own, and deal with the confusion and guilt over their conflicted feelings?

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Stop smiling and nodding! 'When you say L is prettier than me, it is unkind and makes me feel sad' 'I'm glad you love L but she's not your mummy' And stop going on about how great her dad is

This

You sound like a brilliant mum OP.
I completely understand why you have been very careful to be nice about your ex and OW. I can't speak for you, but I found it very difficult to bite my tongue about my XH at first, but I got better at it to the point I was possibly too nice about him. I don't need to say much about him these days, and if I ever get asked any direct questions by my DS or he comes home with tales of things being said at the other house, then I hope I would be able to answer that in a neutral, non defensive way. I'm a work in progress though, we can't always get it right can we?
It must be very difficult to hear these things from your DD but the very fact you are not drawn into the tit for tat, bad mouthing, disrespectful behaviour that they are obviously exhibiting will be the thing that whirrs away in her brain, that will stay with her. She will feel your loyalty. This has obviously been a time of change for her and she's figuring some things out, working out the roles you all have in her life. I'm sure this phase will fizzle out as she settles. And in time, when she grows up, she will see it all quite clearly, that you were her rock, honest, kind, open and that what they are doing is wrong.
I've been that kid too and I 100% knew where my home was and who had my best interests at heart as I grew older.

@Tiddleypops thanks so much for your kind words. That made me a bit emotional. I hope you're right and I just need to trust that longer term she'll realise ive done my best.

So sorry to hear you've been through similar
It really does suck!

OP, she might be the kindest child in the world and still feel it is ok to be unkind to her parents, in fact, many perfectly polite children at school are horrible at home… because the parent at home would put up with rubbish the school would not.

The strong link with her will be there but she will start to stray away not because she loves you less or because she prefers the other parent, but because she is growing up.

I understand you need to promote a good relationship with her parent and you are right that you need to keep her, as much as possible, unaware of conflict. But it is not healthy to sugarcoat everything to do it, as she will come with questions as she grows up, and is better you have a real story you can buildup on. For example, when DS was little, we told him we split because we weren’t getting along very well, in time after he started seeing his dad was not nice as he looked in the surface, I could answer his questions in an age sensitive way without lying. Otherwise his reality would make no sense and he would had considered me stupid, why would I leave such a “nice guy”?

We try to make life as good and easy for our children as we can, but I have seen so many children of divorced parents being mollycoddled or allowed to get away with murder out of parental guilt that I decided early on to always ask myself the question “if I was happily married how would I manage this?” Which has been key to rising a healthy and well balanced kid despite of the difficulties we have faced, I obviously allocate for trauma, but him coming to tell me he thinks me more ugly than the OW… is not something I would excuse in a child older than 3.

Hi @GrandmasCat thanks for the advice.

I love that question and I'm definitely going to start using it myself.

I'm quite conscious of mollycoddling her or being too soft (not out of guilt as my ex cheated and left but because I feel sorry for her with what she's had to deal with).

I was very emotional when I wrote my post and was para-phrasing how the things she was saying were making me feel. She didn't outright say "L is prettier/you are uglier", it's more discreet comments that add up to making me feel like that. If she had gone that far I'd not have smiled and nodded. It's more if i get my hair done she'll say "L for her hair done like xyz and it's so so nice" or "L has a top like yours but hers has more sparkles"

I've been saying to her that it's not nice to compare people tho and that everyone's different etc

For what it's worth the OW is 10 years older than me and while I'm not the worlds most self-confident person, I wouldn't say she was any prettier/better looking. Without being too big headed she's pretty rough and anyone who has met us both has made similar comments to me but I don't think a 7 year old would be the best judge of that 😂