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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Ex wanting more Custody

28 replies

cosmicbabe · 21/06/2021 15:19

Quick background. My Ex never wanted our son and eventually left us when our son was a year old. Obvs another woman was involved too. I moved back to where I grew up to be closer to family as we had none where we were.

Over the years he has kept up to 99% of his weekends, him coming to see our son and staying with his family whom are also where I live.

2 years ago I met my now partner and we have just moved in together. Clearly this has upset my ex whom has now stated he wants our son to go and live with him full time (4 hours away). Our son is now 8. I have told him this isn't going to happen and he's threatened me by saying he will do whatever it takes.... So today I get an email stating how he wished the childcare arrangements to change as he wants to now see his son more than 4 times a month. Expecting me to give up my weekends so he can have him and for me to start driving our son up to see him (assume I'll have to stay in hotels)

I assume he can't dictate to me what he wants after 8 years of me being the primary care giver. It's unsettling for me and worrying for our son as he has come home this weekend clearly upset saying his dad wants him to go and live with him (again as he's been saying it for a while now). My son is scared to say no to his dad but wants the reassurance from me he doesn't have to go ect.

Has anyone else been in this position?... thanks

OP posts:

Mindymomo · 21/06/2021 15:32

Unfortunately you will have to see a Solicitor and for the Courts to arrange visiting arrangements. Most families I know, the father has childcare every other weekend and for one night midweek.

Original poster

cosmicbabe · 21/06/2021 15:51

@Mindymomo

Unfortunately you will have to see a Solicitor and for the Courts to arrange visiting arrangements. Most families I know, the father has childcare every other weekend and for one night midweek.

I assume he would have to as he's the one wanting to change arrangements?

OP posts:

LoopTheLoops · 21/06/2021 16:15

Is he wanting every weekend?

Berry456 · 21/06/2021 16:22

I'm so sorry. This is the biggest dread I have and I can feel your anxiety over it. I'm sure he's doing this just because of your new circumstances and feels threatened.

Is he even able to have your son full time with work etc? What about school?

Courts are unlikely to agree to pulling a child away from his school, friends I'd say. Best get legal advice. Maybe you can agree to more time in the holidays as a compromise?

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 21/06/2021 16:26

@Mindymomo

Unfortunately you will have to see a Solicitor and for the Courts to arrange visiting arrangements. Most families I know, the father has childcare every other weekend and for one night midweek.

No she won't Unless the father makes an application to court himself, she doesn't have to go to court. OP just say no. Does he come up every other weekend at present?

LilyinWonderland · 21/06/2021 16:29

Is there a court order in place already? If not, he could just decide to not return him to you.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 21/06/2021 16:32

He's just posturing due to your new circumstances. I doubt hell go to the time, effort and expense of going to court and even if he did the court wouldn't entertain him having full residency when your son has lived in the area for so long and is settle. The distance means it's not practical for him to have him during the week so I would put forward that you share the school holidays. Mon-Fri October half term with you, Feb with him, May half term Christmas, Easter and Summer you split. In my experience of the courts if you put something forward that you are happy with (or can atleast live with) the courts are thrilled at the compromise instead of fighting and award it. Its what I did after ex was telling me he was going for 50:50, and it turned out when he was given EOW he couldn't because of his work schedule.

motogogo · 21/06/2021 16:44

As you moved away, you really need to be more flexible either driving one of the journeys each contact visit or staying one in 2. Mediation is the starting point

namechange30455 · 21/06/2021 16:47

Given you moved I think YABU to expect him to do all the travelling tbh. If you went to court you'd have been doing at LEAST half.

But yes he is just posturing with the other stuff. Noone is going to force your DS to live with him full time.

LoopTheLoops · 21/06/2021 16:52

That’s what I don’t get, how comes he is coming down every visit? I think you’ve been very lucky to have him doing all the travelling especially given that you moved away! Why doesn’t he have the child at his? Why aren’t you sharing the journey?

30degreesandmeltinghere · 21/06/2021 16:54

Does he pay Cms. Imo if he doesn't or pays the minimum is he really going to pay court /solicitor costs?
He can apply for a proper arrangement.. Do not give in without legal advice..

Original poster

cosmicbabe · 21/06/2021 17:21

In regards to me moving, I moved back to where we both grew up. We moved away together to a new city where we didn't know anyone. I thought it was for love, unfortunately he lied, and cheated on me, finally leaving me for someone else. We had lived away about 5 years. So it seemed reasonable for me to move back to where we came from as I didn't know anyone with children and my son would have grown up with no immediate family bar me and his dad. Whom never wanted him and begged me to abort him. So my thought process to me seemed rational at the time to not stay in the city. He also agreed it was a good move. I have in fact facilitated travelling up with our son so he can have him when he was able to have him.

OP posts:

Original poster

cosmicbabe · 21/06/2021 17:23

He comes down every other weekend so 4 times a month. It was myself that asked him 2 years ago to start splitting the school holidays so he could see his son more. Since meeting my partner though he has thrown his toys out the pram and thinks he can offer him a better life with him.

I shouldn't have to live with the constant worry about him taking our son.

OP posts:

Honeycombskl · 21/06/2021 17:34

To be honest I think it sounds like you could both be more flexible in meeting each other half way.
You keep mentioning he didn't want your son, that's not relevant now though, what is relevant is that you've said that he has 99% kept to the agreement that you've had until now but that you are the primary caregiver. Given your son has always lived with you full time of course he shouldn't suddenly get main custody of your son, and a court likely wouldn't grant it. However ever second weekend isn't much time to spend with your child, so I can understand why he would want to see him more often.
Could you suggest an alternative, for example if you want some weekends with your son what about suggesting he gets him 3 weekends out of 4?
It may be posturing that he's requesting more but it could also be that the realisation has hit him that his son will spend more time with another man than with him and he's trying to balance that out.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 21/06/2021 17:47

Every other weekend is 2 times per month?

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 21/06/2021 18:00

I would just completely ignore him unless he escalates and starts court proceedings. And if that happens deal with that when it does. But don't worry about it, the Court are interested in the best interests of your child, not his father. Your son has always lived with you and unless there were serious issues (social services involvement etc) that isn't going to be changed by the Court.

If his father wanted more time then he would need to get involved in more of the day to day, say a mid week night and school pick up and drop off.

Splitting the weekends and holidays equally is completely normal. It would not be fair for him to get more weekend or holiday time just because you do all the day to day stuff. Court regard weekend & holiday separately from the mon - fri school run, homework dinner bath bed time - and quite rightly its not the same.

You have no obligation to facilitate his contact as he has not required this for years, and as you say its only come up now as there is another man around making him feel insecure. Not yours or your son's problem.

cocoloco987 · 21/06/2021 18:07

I'd just respond with The current arrangement is in the best interest of dc so won't be changing and don't engage further. No way should you give up more than half the weekends with your boy. That's your and his quality time. His Df can come to stay midweek if he wants extra contact.

blahblahblah321 · 21/06/2021 18:12

I agree with Coco, you shouldn't be expected to give up your weekends. He should be making use of school holidays and visiting mid week if he can. I would stand your ground on that one, as it's much harder to cut back once you've offered more contact time.

I agree with other posters, you probably should be offering some form of assistance with regard to travel, as you were the one who moved (whatever the reason unfortunately). We moved away so we shared 50% of the travel ( unless Ex wanted extra - he then had to sort travel). We used to collect as DS's Dad was notorious for dropping off late.

Original poster

cosmicbabe · 21/06/2021 18:18

Travelling we agreed before that it wasn't in our sons best interest, travelling on a Friday for all that time and then back Sunday. Our son also hates it. So to make this a more permanent fixture would upset him?...

I think I'll respond that perhaps he can make his every other weekends longer, Thursday to Mondays giving him double the nights he currently has each month, and I will facilitate meeting halfway for the holidays and perhaps every other month, once a month, to start with?.

He's doing this now as he is looking to have full custody where he lives, taking him away from me. This is what he proposed a few months back and that got a hard NO.

Thanks for the support everyone. It's most appreciated

OP posts:

Original poster

cosmicbabe · 21/06/2021 18:20

@LilyinWonderland

Is there a court order in place already? If not, he could just decide to not return him to you.

If he did that this would also mean him not getting to school as he lives 4 hours away

OP posts:

Forestdweller11 · 21/06/2021 18:30

I realise I'm escalating/ projecting somewhat but I'd be doing some pre emptive stuff, whilst remaining outwardly civil. You will need to check with solicitor but in England if ex is on birth certificate (has parental responsibility) he will be allowed to keep your son/not return him to you. Police will not want to be involved.

You need to be prepared. And ready with child arrangement order/prohibitive steps or at least know what you need to do. Because you don't want your ex to uplift him without notice, and enrol him in a local to him school and then it takes you weeks/days to get access.

TotorosCatBus · 22/06/2021 06:02

You should encourage your ex get a Child Arrangement Order so that if he doesn't return your son then you'd be able to get help from the police. Without one, you'd have to go to court and not have your son until it's sorted. There are sadly stories on here of dads doing this and his mums had to get emergency hearings to get them back.

Your ex won't get every weekend so don't worry about that. More time over school holidays and you doing at least half of the travelling is a reasonable suggestion though. You were lucky that he did it until now.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 22/06/2021 06:10

You can't just get a child arrangement order. Before even being allowed to apply for one you have to attend mediation. Which you both have to pay for.
Yes technically he could refuse to return him and you'd have to go to court for an emergency child arrangement order hearing which would be stressful. He'd be returned to his regular home and school though, barring allegations of abuse that needed to be investigated.
You also can't just get a prohibited steps order without any reason for it.
Legal advice is a good idea but it's expensive.
Honestly I think your best course of action is to offer more in the holidays and hope he accepts it. If he doesn't, he'll have to arrange a mediation appointment, which you will have to attend.

Theunamedcat · 22/06/2021 06:10

You can get acourt order preventing him removing him from school which should cover you in the even of non return?

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 22/06/2021 06:11

@Theunamedcat

You can get acourt order preventing him removing him from school which should cover you in the even of non return?

No she can't, not without some good evidence of risk. The courts don't just hand out orders because parents ask for them. This guy has never threatened to remove DS from school so why should a judge make an order saying he can't? It contradicts the basic principles of family law which is that where no order CAN be made, no order SHOULD be made.

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