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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

£40 a month on a 30 k salary? You're having a laugh,ain't ya?(rant warning!)

30 replies

tetti · 18/11/2007 22:27

I am soo fuming right now,argh!
The ex came round to see our child this eve,should have been round at 5 pm,turned up at 8 pm (when she should have been in bed!)

I told him that he needs to give me some money towards her upkeep,how much was he willing to give? Just 40 quid a month,on a 30 k salary!
So I told him that then he'd have to take her out and get her some clothes etc as well when she needs them.as I have been spending a sml fortune on just that over the last few months.
But nope-I have spent 70 quid on shoes for her this year! If you want me to get her any clothes then you'll have to go halves!(what?he earns 11 grand more than me a year,and his outgoings are about the same as mine,so it doesn't take a genius to work out who's better off)

Then after he left he sent me a txt that wound me up no end,being really arsey about it all,and told me he expected half of the money for the xmas presents he bought her (from him),etc etc etc,god!!!
He winds me up no end,I am not at all well off,and it's like he doesn't give a monkey about his kid.
I know he goes out about 3 times a week,and spends about 50 quid a time,he goes to fancy restaurants,buts flashy clothes and shoes,all me,me,me,so what about his child then? I wish I could shake some sense into this prat!

OP posts:
lou33 · 18/11/2007 22:30

ugh poor thing

mine just called, actually asking to see the kids this week

dont know where to meet him tho, i dont feel right with him at mine but i guess there isnt really anywhere else he can meet them

i wish he had stayed in thailand

btw i get a big fat zero from him, and the last 3 times he has seen them, after not seeing htem for 14m, i paid his train fare and instigated the meet

Dropdeadfred · 18/11/2007 22:31

CSA...?

Original poster
tetti · 18/11/2007 22:36

They think they can have it all,don't they?God,it drives me mad.Didn't think that after 12 years things would get so sour,but he's being so petty it's ridicilous!
It thought it took two people to make a child,but it seems that as soon as they're off,they think that their responsibilities are gone too.I think I am being pretty fair here,but he's totally unwilling to compromise.
Suggested he'd set up a standing order of the money so that it would go into our child's account each month,no,no,he wants to give it to me in cash (so that he can call the shots,that's the only reason why,he was always a control freak,nothing's changed there then!)

OP posts:
Scotia · 18/11/2007 22:38

Tell him to f*ck right off, you will not be paying for his Christmas presents to her. And I echo dropdeadfred, get the CSA involved. He should definitely be paying more that a piddling £40 per month. My ex is paying approx £50 per week and he earns less than yours.

OverMyDeadBody · 18/11/2007 23:18

Aaagh these things make me so mad! Do these men not see how utterly ridiculous they are being? They want to punish us but end up punishing their kids instead!

Stupid men.

Original poster
tetti · 19/11/2007 07:53

Totally,the one they end up hurting and punishing is their child.Had a nightmare of a night as a result of what happened last eve.My girl slept only 2 hrs,and I have no choice but to keep her home today.
Why does he always let rip in front of her?Idiot!!! I always do my bit make sure we NEVER discuss these things in front of her child,but he just couldn't care less,tbh.

She cried over his outburst,then she cried as she doesn't want him coming round so late in the eve to see her as she's got school the next day (he always say he'll turn up early,but pops up at 8 pm onwards when she should be fast asleep!).He is sooo selfish,it's all about what he wants.

I had to send him an email this morning(as it's the only way I won't get interrupted!),and tell him he can only come and see her at t weekend.
I already know that her sleeping pattern is affecting her school(she can't sleep at all hwnever he comes round in the week,it upsets her real bad),she's has been very tired lately and her teacher wondered what was going on with her.
I just had to put my foot down and say,that's it!
Her needs and wellbeing comes first,if he doesn't like it,well,tough,isn't it?
(what the hell did I see in this guy?)

OP posts:
MamaG · 19/11/2007 08:53

c
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a

jellyjelly · 19/11/2007 09:49

gO TO THE csa this isnt about him it is about your daughters health and wellbeing. Dont let him give you cash and he should be paying alot more than 40 pm. Its not on, get the guts to go and sort this out with csa and get what you deserve.

VictorianSqualor · 19/11/2007 10:02

I havent had anything from ex for around 18months, but when we split he was on about 20k, I think he lied to the csa though, and said he was on less, they said that for 2 children out of what he claimed to be earning he needed to give me £62 per week. So £40 is ridiculous.

misspudding · 19/11/2007 11:20

Oh no Tetti... What a prat he is! Definitely go to the csa x

ElenorRigby · 19/11/2007 15:11

The CSA maintenance calculator is here...
secureonline.dwp.gov.uk/csa/v2/en/calculate-maintenance.asp

I think the recommended amount is 15% of net income.

Id try to keep the CSA out of your lives (they are an incompetent, failing organisation, who often cause grief to all parties concerned) and come to a private arrangement if at all possible

MascaraOHara · 19/11/2007 15:16

Yes got to the CSA - I get £2.50 a week from them!

I know where you're coming from though.. why do men always have to take it down to the bare bones of money.. don't want to pay a penny and can waltz in and out of a kids life just saying "I can't afford to give you any at the moment" well wouldn't it be nice to say that... only we can't afford to not be able to afford the essentials can we... grrr. sore subject. I should actually parp myself!

Original poster
tetti · 19/11/2007 15:51

That's exctly why I am not going to the CSA,everyone I know of who has has ended up even wore off than before!

I think that now he might realise that he has to imrpove his ways,or I could make life extremely hard for him.
I am a very reasonable person and have never been a bitch,and I think he's finnaly got that into his head.He's eating humble pie right now!(got a very apologetic phone call,and,a standing order for a monthly sum to be agreed is to be set up!)
But why is it that I have to completely blow my top and get really arsey and horrible with him for this to happen?

OP posts:
WalnutWhipped · 19/11/2007 15:56

Could you be much worse off than £40pm???

Write out your costs relating to dd to enable you to work out a sensible figure with him.

ruty · 19/11/2007 15:58

A man only has to give 15% of his earnings???? good grief. That is total injustice.

WalnutWhipped · 19/11/2007 16:01

a man has to party you know, ruty...

VictorianSqualor · 19/11/2007 16:18

tetti, does he have internet access? You could email him the csa link and tell him that you're happy not to go down that route because it's rather formal but that you should use that calculator to work out a reasonable amount.
Then if he isn't willing threaten the CSA.

allgonebellyup · 19/11/2007 16:53

Think its 20% of their earnings for the first child.

jellyjelly · 19/11/2007 19:08

no its 15% belly up not 20 or i would be a happier girl

ruty · 19/11/2007 19:14

bloody well should be 50%.

allgonebellyup · 19/11/2007 20:56

my ex pays me 20% as he thinks thats what it is! i wont tell him he is paying too much!!
my other ex does pay nearly 50% of his monthly wage, so thats a good thing.

MascaraOHara · 20/11/2007 08:47

I hate absent fathers as much as the next but I think 50% would be too much.. they are entitled to go on and have enough money to build a new life for themselves.

I guesss I am lucky enough that I earn an above average salary and don't need money off the useless fuck that fathered my dd but I think 20% is reasonable. Personally I don't think a bog standard % works and actually it should be calculated on an individual basis

Original poster
tetti · 20/11/2007 09:27

I am not hard up,but for me it's the principle,you have a child together,you share the responsibility,parental and financial.50 percent iw way too much,I so agree with that,then the father's would have to live like paupers,and what's fair in that?
They should give an amount that they can afford,which doesn't leave them struggling either.Just a fair amount towards the upkeep of their offspring,but not an insultingly low amount.

OP posts:
ruty · 20/11/2007 09:41

I just think if you have children together you should share the responsibility 50/50, including financially. the mother has to give all of her earning towards looking after the children, so it seems a bit unfair that the father stops sharing 50%. But then i don't know much about it.

lomond · 20/11/2007 09:50

I would go to the CSA, £40.00 a month is a ridiculous amount.

Don't agree with the 50% though, they have to be able to pay rent, bills and eat!

My friend's ex dp earned £800.00 a month and had to pay her £100 per month through the CSA!