DS repeatedly being told he doesn’t have a father

[sunshineandcake]

My DS aged 12, was upset last night. A so called friend repeatedly keeps saying to him he has no father. I have heard it once whilst they were gaming but I’m told it happens regularly. I have offered to contact his mother to say this needs to stop. My DS said I should let him deal with it. He said he will be firm with his friend and tell him he can’t say that anymore. I don’t believe he will. I fear it will carry on. Should I contact the mother?

I am really sorry that this is happening. Such things can and do have terrible effects, it must be just as horrible for you as your son. You need to make a stand for your child. Contact the police and find out if the boy's behaviour constitutes harassment. If you have no success with his mother, then at least you have another direction to take it in. The school may be able to help too.

Phoenixrising2020 Thank you for your reply. I’m upset and can’t sleep. My DS was upset and started asking me difficult questions about his father and I. I did contemplate whether I should contact my DS’s form teacher who is lovely. That might be more productive than his mother. I can’t just sit quiet and let it carry on. My DS is too kind and soft natured to put an end to it by himself. Thanks for your advice which is much appreciated.

I don't see this as a police matter.

Does your ds have a clear story about his father that he can use?

So maybe, " Of course I have a father everyone does. Mine split up with my mum when I was a baby and he doesn't live around here anymore"

Or, " of course I have a father everyone does but I don't see mine because he wasn't kind to mum and me"

Ideally he can finish the statement with "but I hang with xxx instead so it's ok"

Xxx being Grandparent, uncle or whoever male role model is.

Or some variation of what situation is.

Your son is at the age where dc tend to focus on same sex parents so it isn't surprising he is thinking about this.
Having a clear narrative about his situation should help him.

The more confident he is in the situation the more able he will be show others he really isn't fussed and the less grief he will get.

Talking to school might be a good idea as they might have good pointers. I would be very surprised if he was the only dc raised by a lone parent.

At primary school, one of the other boys started that with my ds, at ds's birthday party. It usually means the other child has overheard a spiteful adult conversation along the lines of 'there's no father ...'

One loud conversation with the other boy in front of the whole class "don't be silly, of course he has a daddy, everyone has a daddy, he's called XXX, he plays Tennis and supports Liverpool" put a stop to that.
Does your child have a firm story he can share. Daddy is called Fred. He had brown hair, blue eyes, can play the trumpet and likes cycling. Etc.

Ineedaneasteregg and Mintjulia thanks for your reply.

He doesn’t know the full extent of our situation as I have always protected him. Hence he started to ask difficult questions. He is still too young.

He does see his father now and again for very short periods.

I will help him form an answer with a firm story as you suggest.

Mintjulia I’m sorry your DS had a similar experience.

Thank you both for your advice.

* Contact the police and find out if the boy's behaviour constitutes harassment.*

^Are you for real? Don’t waste police time with this.

Don’t call the police ffs it’s kids being mean and chatting shit
your son has asked you to let him deal with it so give him time to do so if it then it continues and with his consent tell him you are raising it with the other child’s parent
Also think a strong story for him to try shut down the other child is a good idea

@Phoenixrising2020

I am really sorry that this is happening. Such things can and do have terrible effects, it must be just as horrible for you as your son. You need to make a stand for your child. Contact the police and find out if the boy's behaviour constitutes harassment. If you have no success with his mother, then at least you have another direction to take it in. The school may be able to help too.

Police, really?

I would have a chat with school. My eldest is very protective of me. And plays how he feels down. He has had a lot of support through school starting with Elsa. Play therapy and at secondary learning support team and counselling. Gave him a safe and impartial place to talk things through.

As others have said I would give him a narrative so he has a consistent answer to give back. Yes I have a dad he lives in x and I don't see him a lot

12 is a good age to start giving information in an appropriate manner. So the past isn't some big unknown.

He is still too young

Have you decided an age that he won’t be too young? I would be very careful about what you say now. Be cautious of telling him something that he might consider a lie when you do tell him the reality in 1/2/3/4 years.

He's 12 now, not a baby. You need to equip him with an (age appropriate) version of the truth. Like a PP said, he needs a standard scripted line to say each time.

Kids do say things like this to each other in school. Mostly for the reaction and not because they judge the child with 'no father'.

Don't build up the situation with his father to a "big reveal" when you deem him old enough. If he's asking questions now, then you need to answer them.

He is old enough he needs as much truth as is appropriate (no for example not details of abuse if there was any; but needs to know the reason why he doesn't have a permanent father figure in his life in my opinion). Definitely not a police matter (ridiculous) and whilst I think it's fine to speak to the school, your DS has asked you not to contact the other parents and wants to sort it himself - that's admirable, let him try.

What is the back story?

My marriage was absolutely horrible but I've always answered the kids questions non evasively. It's not always been easy but the truth is a powerful thing.

Help him construct a response to the other kid. Talk to school. But above all find a way to tell the truth to your kid. Even if he's 5. It can be a slimline version but évasion is a form of lying and secrets in families are toxic. Really toxic.

My DS also 12 who doesn't currently see his DF has had similar comments whilst gaming from "friends".

I wouldn't advise telling the teacher/parents or calling the police either. The police!!!

Also at 12, they are far too old for some of the explanations about mummies and daddies and some families being different as per this thread.

Your DS will deal with it himself as my DS did. There are far too many kids from "broken homes" nowadays even in "posh" schools for this to be made more of.

Kids just pick holes in other kids using whatever chink they can find particularly in a gaming environment which is brutal. Your DS's best retaliation would be a barbed comment to the other boy and to learn to shrug off insults.

When I hear insults being exchanged over xbox in my house, I make my DS pause the game and say loudly, "are all your parents hearing this?" At this point they all wind their necks in until I leave the room.

At 12 he needs to know the truth, whatever that is.
If the teasing is happening during school hours, then tell the teacher to keep an eye.
But YOU need to equip your son to deal with it by giving him the information he deserves to have.

Contact school to make them aware and ask if they know anything more e.g has this been discussed/come up in tutor time, pshe and let them know it is an issue. They may be able to support with this. Discuss this with DS and let him know what you are doing and why.

Agree with pp that a back story and response he can use is empowering. Aim for low key but firm. Simple but believable. Rehearse it with him how to respond - not just what to say but the tone and delivery.

And yes it is time to share so he knows his story. My parents split when I was a baby. Mum remarried when I was a toddler. I would see my dad periodically as he worked away. No one else I knew had anything close to this as a family situation. Openness would have helped me hugely with this.

I think that's quite unkind. My dh died when my children were 11 and 13. They are now 14 and 16 and no child has ever said anything mean about it to them. Their friends are nice. Could he be encouraged to hang out with nicer kids?

I would suggest that it is time you talked to him about the past in an appropriate way, there's organisations who can support you and speak to the school.

At 12 he will be aware that something is amiss and better he knows the truth even if you tone it down

I agree that he needs the truth in an age appropriate way. You might find it useful to look at the Adoption board on here. Many of us have to discuss very challenging issues relating to birth parents with our children. We do so from a young age so that children are aware of their past and can come to terms with it, and so that there are no surprises when as they get older. Obviously this all has to be done very sensitively and in a way that is appropriate for their age and/or development.

OP i think perhaps you have with great intentions over protected him. And this has meant he doesn't have the confidence or age Appropriate understanding of the situation to fight back. If he is stood on unclear sandy foundations that is hard for him. I'd plan what you want to say or even better ask him if there is anything he wants to know. And even if he says no make sure he knows you are happy to answer things any time. Kids often percolate and come back to you x

This happened to my friends 9 year old and lead to them having the big talk.

My teens would have said "How are you 12 and not know that it takes a sperm and egg to make a baby?"

I'm split from my kids dad and they had the opposite experience. Some friends avoided talking about it because they thought that there could be sad and horrible circumstances behind the split when in reality the kids saw their Dad regularly and can talk about it without emotion.

I also think at 12, he should know the truth in an age appropriate way. Being a teen is a very emotional and hormonal time and I think that he's quickly approaching an age where it be harder to accept the truth than his age now.

I will message you privately Sunshine. It was 2am and I felt desperately sorry for your son, so perhaps my advice was extreme but the impact of bullying has been shown repeatedly through various celebrity tragedies. I do hope you can sort this matter out. Best wishes to you both.

The police 🤨

If he’s old enough to say “I will deal with this myself” when someone’s telling him “he has no father” then I think he’s old enough to know the truth about his father?