DS repeatedly being told he doesn’t have a father

[sunshineandcake]

My DS aged 12, was upset last night. A so called friend repeatedly keeps saying to him he has no father. I have heard it once whilst they were gaming but I’m told it happens regularly. I have offered to contact his mother to say this needs to stop. My DS said I should let him deal with it. He said he will be firm with his friend and tell him he can’t say that anymore. I don’t believe he will. I fear it will carry on. Should I contact the mother?

Thank you all for your time and effort in posting your suggestions/advice. I have just got back from work so will consider them properly later and reply.

Can i add.

My ds uses jokes to defuse the situation. His text to me ladt night. I have just seen a drug dealer it may ne my dad. He makes these jokes to his friends. It is self protection.

The other thing i would add. Last year i had protected my ds from hus dad. At 13 he thought he didn't see him because we didn't get on. They make their own narrative up. I had to go through a lot i never thought i would have to share but he needee to know i was looking out for his safety.

It sounds like your ds needs to know more.

Personally at this stage I wouldn't contact the other boys mother. It's great that your son has felt he can come and talk to you about it but he has asked you not to and said he wants to deal with it himself. I appreciate that you know him and know he most likely won't but I would give him the chance first. If you go straight and talk to the other boys mum now, your son may hold back in telling you things that are bothering him in the future.

I would personally give it a few days, talk to him again and see if he spoke to the boy and if it's still happening. If it is then tell him that you'll talk to his mum and explain the reasons why, at least then he'll feel like you've came to him first instead of going against his wishes

Dear all,

Sorry for my slow response. It’s been hectic at work.

Thank you for all your replies which I have read carefully. . I’m grateful for all your advises, each and everyone of you genuinely tried to help.

I have sent an email to the school and explained what happened without naming the child concerned. The teacher was excellent. They will tackle the topic at school.

I decided against telling his mother. Even if he stopped with my DS, he may carry on elsewhere. He needs educating and that’s what hopefully the school will do.

The story is emotive and complex.. I tried to simplify it a while back but when my DS got upset I stopped. He then didn’t want to know anymore.

I will tell him when he is older. Children mature at different ages. He is not ready at present.

Many thanks once again.

Of course he has a father, how else would he be here.... the other kid is no friend of your son. Kids wre cruel.

Absolutely...have been explaining what true/good friendship is. He has the most wonderful friends from his primary school but only had six months at secondary before Covid struck. He is still getting to know children there.

Have the conversation with your son and help him frame and answer. My older brother didn’t know who his dad was and mum didn’t discuss what happened . In the 60s he suffered merciless bullying and being called a b**tard. It stuck with him for years and he only really got over it when a few years ago, after mum died, he had a DNA test and found out who his dad was. It was the piece in the jigsaw. Mum tried to protect him with the best of intentions but the secrecy didn’t help.

I'm not for a moment suggesting that this is even remotely the case here, but a friend of mine had a child as a result of rape when she was very young. We don't know what has happened regarding the boy's father, or what the boy knows about his father. Sometimes there are good reasons for limited disclosure at certain ages. My friend's experience being one extreme.
The boy sounds very mature and responsible.

There is always a way of explaining something age appropriately. He’ll imagine things if you don’t tell him, especially if he reacted badly when you tried the first time.