Annoying things as a single parent

[Happycat1212]

Does anyone else find things annoying as a single parent! I want to swap rooms with my daughter as she's never liked her bedroom but as a single parent it's going to be extremely difficult moving all my furniture into her room on my own, including my 3 door wardrobe which I doubt I can manage alone just frustrating having no one around to help so probably going to have to leave things as they are.

@DDIJ

Very isolating Hard to build "support networks" DC can't do separate activities at different locations at the same time The buck stops with you. If mine ever dropped a grade my ex would be demanding I evidence everything I did to rectify the situation. Mine were due the dentist last March which was cancelled due to the pandemic and ex was furious I hadn't been more organised Living with the fear that they might misbehave and it will be blamed on you being a single parent Not able to socialise I am totally with you on the moving furniture Having to make every decision completely alone Negative comments if you ever manage to buy anything decent for your DC If DC ever achieve anything it is due to some intangible inherited quality from their absent parent. If they mess something up it is because you have failed them No hugs or affection or a feeling that anyone cares about you

This is bang-on.

I am so isolated, it's ridiculous.

Want to join a book club (pre-Covid)....well, first, I have to pay a babysitter.
Want to get up early to go for a run?....well, who will mind the DC?

Want to go on a course to advance your career? ....well, who will mind the DC (exDH used to agree to take them, but there would always be a "last minute emergency" reason why he couldn't have them, thus scuppering my plans).

One of my DC broke his foot- trip to A&E is so much fun with the other DC in tow.
And, of course, you are judged for bringing them with you.

I am a naice lady, well educated, highly articulate. Not slim and pretty, but well-built and thus appear to be indefatigable.
Nobody, no-one want to hear how difficult it is.

One of the worst was attending my father's funeral with no partner there for me; and I couldn't drop the ball with DC for a moment.

Having no friendship circle anymore, I had no friends or work colleagues attend (unlike siblings).
No sympathy cards.
No hugs, or holding my hand.

And, that week ex"D"H decided to kick-off in the courts.
But, I'm paranoid if I think he timed it deliberately.

Being the only one who has to leave work if there’s an accident at school or kids are ill or take time off work if there’s d&v or something and constantly feeling like you’re getting black marks against your name with your employer!

Can related to so many of these, hate the “build a support network” comments as well, because it’s just that easy 🙄 I thought I would make some mum friends when my kids went to school but nope nothing! The friends I do have I rarely see as they don’t have children (young ones anyway, they have teenagers) so don’t want to sit in the park or soft play so I’m mainly on my own and hate seeing all the couples with their children when I go out.

Loneliness definitely, no one to talk to in the evening or look after kids so I can go out. And yes moving heavy furniture etc I’m a single parent of 4 too and my kids are now older but I’m permanently tired. I feel the house never gets properly done and looks a mess. Can relate to so many of the things people are saying, you don’t normally think about it too much until something like this makes you.

I hope you can find someone to help op. I’d just leave it tbh my stuff is in my kids big wardrobe as they don’t need hanging space.

I hate not being able to move furniture. My bed is in the wrong place in my room but it's solid wood bd too heavy to movement. The removal men put it where they thought it should go and I was too busy dealing with two young children to notice it wasn't where I told them to put it until they had gone.

People saying they know how you feel... their husband does nothing to help out....

The overwhelming responsibility that its all yours to take care of, your children, your home... is not the same at all as someone not pulling their weight

Having to think about and do absolutely everything yourself.

So much this.

It's the mental energy that takes up, as much as the physical energy / expense, that's so hard.

I feel like my life as a single parent is one long to-do list that I am making v slow progress with.

And you can't really express it - even my family don't get it & I'm so conscious of sounding moany / self-pitying ... so I keep it in & feel internally miserable & stressed.

Also, every article about being a lone parent & many posts on here, talk about the 'great friends' people have who arrive on cue with bottles of wine, dinner & listening ears, or are there at the end of a phone when needed.

I've never had this. And not because everyone's horrible. But they are busy, with their own lives & worries. I have friends but the idea of a gang of girlfriends to cheer me on & pick me up seems straight out of a Hollywood rom-com

I'm ok with that, but far more hurtful is the lack of interest in just listening or truly asking how I am, from my long time friends. I didn't need it every time but sometimes.

My best friend, who I've been friends with now for 28 years, was never able to offer that support. She's a lovely, brilliant person but I actually find contact with her very hard as I feel so let down by her. I occasionally rang when I was very very low, and other than sympathetic noises, got nothing. And she wouldn't ring back or follow up after. I guess it's probably a case of not knowing what to do, than her not caring. But it has hurt me hugely & although we are in touch (we live at opposite ends of her country so even in non-Covid times couldn't see each other that much), there's a distance there for me I'm not sure will ever be breached.

Thank you for this thread @Happycat1212 this is so relateable, and like others I had no real network for years and felt like I had no other single parents to talk to!
The moving thing - god yes I moved house in the middle of the pandemic to a new area and the walls are bashed to pieces as I just didn't have the strength to carry things properly. No money to pay the movers to help, didn't know anyone locally.
One of my friends might have helped but I don't like asking because I "save" any favours incase I have an emergency. Anyone else do this?

I like many things about being a single parent and am reasonably good at it. But I cannot BEAR other people saying. “My husband works late in the week. I’m virtually a single parent”. Really?? Do you make every single decision alone from where to live to what school to choose. do you pay the entire mortgage or rent and pay every single bill by yourself? Manage every challenge and celebrate every success alone? Do you? Managing bathtime a few nights a week alone does not make you a single parent Sorry rant over. !

Yes @Butterflyfox I hear you completely. People have no clue.

I've had to stand there smiling & nodding so many times at these conversations.

I remember saying telling a school mum about my separation a few months after it happened. I found it really hard to tell anyone. The relationship had been very abusive & I was in bits. Her response: 'oh sometimes I wish I was a single parent! Imagine being able to watch what you want on TV'.

I get people say stupid shit but Christ. It felt like she'd slapped me across the face.

@Butterflyfox

Very well said! I never know what to say when people say that, being a single parent all the time (especially like in my case where the dad doesn’t care for contact) is vastly different to doing a few days/nights alone whilst your DH/W/P aren’t there.

I find it really aggravating and ignorant.

'Annoying things 3.... people thinking their husband or partner being absent for a % of the week is the same as not having anyone ever'

@RedFrogsRule this is so true, at first my mum kept saying well I was on my own with you all day when your dad was at work.. in the end I said are you saying that dad did nothing to help out round the house / with me in the evenings and on weekends? And she said well umm no he did lots to help then.. and she hasn't said it since.. the looking after child in the daytime bit is frankly the easy bit, it's the putting them to bed then having to do everything else as well that makes it tiring.

And when people say well my partner doesn't help with the baby either.. yeh but did they install the baby gates / cut the grass / contribute financially / do any cooking etc etc etc? And to be honest if they do nothing to help then why the hell are you with them, the resentment would drive me insane...

The worst thing is society has a problem with it. It offends the patriarchy. Wives and those in complacent couples assume you cannot possibly manage on your own and pity you. As soon as something is wrong with ds it is automatically assumed it is because I am a single parent. For example ds is extra angry at home owing to school lockdowns he is year 11 the age most affected by the pandemic. Others have no understanding and assume this must be because he doesn't live with his father.

Men think we are fair game often (I do not encourage this) and repair men can potentially rip us off or exaggerate repair problems (though the latter I do not allow to happen but a fair few might)..

I have left a spiritual group as I was the only single parent in the district and was sick and tired of the lack of understanding and support. The wrong assumptions and the pity. An empowered comment by myself would be out of their depth and not in their radar.

Where are all the spirited women I ask myself I can honestly say I have lived in this part of the country for 13 years and do not know a single self motivated female on their own. I have had the more exciting women move away though I am in touch with most of them (slightly off topic this last paragraph!).

This seems like a good thread to ask this question.

For all of you who are going through it or have done in the past- is there one thing you would recommend a woman should do to make her life easier should she find herself a single parent?

@UhtredRagnarson. Don’t let the single thing rob you of the joy of being a parent. You are still a proper complete family. Make new family rituals. Look for all the good bits of Singledom (and there are many to be found ) and don’t allow yourself to get sucked into comparison of those who have partners and how much better they lives must be. It easy to fall into that and helps you not one bit. And it might not be true anyway (furniture moving notwithstanding in respect to OP)

@UhtredRagnarson

This seems like a good thread to ask this question.

For all of you who are going through it or have done in the past- is there one thing you would recommend a woman should do to make her life easier should she find herself a single parent?

Remain financially independent. Always be able to cope on your own (and don’t rely on a divorce settlement or CMS) Stay in touch with the workplace.

[quote Butterflyfox]@UhtredRagnarson. Don’t let the single thing rob you of the joy of being a parent. You are still a proper complete family. Make new family rituals. Look for all the good bits of Singledom (and there are many to be found ) and don’t allow yourself to get sucked into comparison of those who have partners and how much better they lives must be. It easy to fall into that and helps you not one bit. And it might not be true anyway (furniture moving notwithstanding in respect to OP)[/quote]
Oh my goodness, I'm so glad I've found my way to this forum.
So much in this post resonates.
My exH moved out at the end of last year.
He did f* all when he was here, but even just having another adult in the house was useful occasionally.
I constantly feel like I'm spinning too many plates (and dropping them).

@EarringsandLipstick you nailed it when you said "I feel like my life as a single parent is one long to-do list that I am making v slow progress with."
So much this. It actually IS an endless to do list.

@Butterflyfox your post is so lovely too.
It is so important to recognise that there is joy in being a parent. And remind ourselves we are a complete family. Thank you for that

Thank you @RedFrogsRule and @Butterflyfox. Really good advice. Particularly the comparison comment. I’m very guilty of beating myself up over what I haven’t been able to provide my DC with as a single parent.

Yeh I agree with the others I was always very independent anyway and I was the one that done most of the day to day stuff (even the diy because my ex was useless!) but as pp said every now and then an extra pair of hands is needed! But sometimes when you do something yourself you feel a great sense of achievement, I built my kids bunk beds on my own after my ex told me to make sure I pay someone to put it together that’s how useless he was he didn’t even offer to help.

Unreliable ex's that makes promises to the kids that they are unable or have not intention of keeping.

@Manzanilla55 where in the country are you? Id love to meet up with someone similarly minded

I will send you a personal message Lonstanton.

RedFrogsRule and ButterflyFox yes I fully agree with the complaining about bf's / partners working late or out ALL DAY or complaining about forgetting something when they hit the shops or not 'yet' fixing shelves, mowing lawn etc. as if that equates to juggling running a home and taking care of children and working too. It seems in couples one or the other half is taken for granted a lot of the time.

People who comment how great it must be to have a break from the kids every other weekend. Yes, yes, that definitely eliminates all the stress of managing two children with ASD by myself the rest of the time