DD obsessed with her dad

[AnxiousAnxiousChild]

Posted here as its more relevant to lone parents.

Split with ExH in 2017 due to his violence. He has court ordered contact with DD. Court order states EOW for 1 night and 1 night per week for tea. He sees her for 4 hours EOW that’s it. I’ve asked him to have her as per the order. He won’t.

DD is 6, school year 2.

DD is literally obsessed with him. Whatever I do is compared to daddy, if I take her to a café or restaurant (pre-covid obviously) “Daddy brings me here” or “Daddy took me to mcdonalds which I like better” or similar. Everytime I take her to her swimming lesson or gymnastics “Is daddy coming?” “When will daddy be here?” same when we go to the park “Is daddy coming to the park with us?”

Same with trips to the zoo, aquarium, even birthday parties for her friends. It’s either Daddys bought me here (he never takes her anywhere bar mcdonalds) or “Is daddy coming too?”

At school she talks about him to her teacher saying Daddys picking her up tonight and they’re going to mcdonalds. He never picks her up, he hasn’t picked her up since she was in Reception. I’ve had no end of phonecalls about it and school have stopped correcting her now. She always asks me as we’re leaving school “Are you taking me to daddys?” she even told her headteacher as we were leaving once that she didn’t want to go until daddy got there – thankfully she was in year 1 and the HT knew DD and the situation, so let us go without an issue but it’s heartbreaking. Several times she’s asked me why daddy hasn’t come to get her.

Even my cooking and the soap I use is compared to her dads. She tells people her dad bought things for her when I’ve bought them and she;s been in the shop with me or they’ve been ordered online and she’s seen me and they come to here.

She’s constantly buying him presents with her pocket money.

I don’t compete with him, at all, but I’d like to be able to do normal things with my DD without being compared to him. I’m heartbroken for her. I never lie and I never put him down.

So how can I help her through this?

For added context: DD has a joint condition that can be painful, she’s also suspected to have dyslexia and/or dyspraxia, she really struggles at school and I do wonder if this is part of it.

For even more context: ExH works in the supermarket in our town, it’s where literally everyone shops so often her school friends will mention they’ve seen him when they’ve been to the shop and her teacher thinks this is also adding to her anxieties around him.

Your poor DD
She clearly aware of his lack of interest in her and is struggling to process it. I’m willing to bet that he is on his phone the entire time she has contact.
Does the school have a counselling service? I think help from a professional would be a good thing for her. I’d ask them or your gp.

@Rainbowqueeen

Your poor DD She clearly aware of his lack of interest in her and is struggling to process it. I’m willing to bet that he is on his phone the entire time she has contact. Does the school have a counselling service? I think help from a professional would be a good thing for her. I’d ask them or your gp.

School only refer to CAMHS who aren't taking new referrals in our area at the moment as they're 18 months behind with new referrals due to covid. I can ask school to refer when the list reopens (if) though.

Buy her a fish and call it Daddy. She can learn her fish is her bff instead.. And it won't let her down..
Daddy is a Title to her. To be adored. Fishy can take his place. He sounds a right arsehole..
Df not Fishy.

@Aprilshowersandhail

Buy her a fish and call it Daddy. She can learn her fish is her bff instead.. And it won't let her down.. Daddy is a Title to her. To be adored. Fishy can take his place. He sounds a right arsehole.. Df not Fishy.

We have a cat, would changing the cats name do the same job? (I am half joking)

I think the teacher is probably right. Others seeing him all the time is highlighting to her how little she does sees him and she's trying to process why. There may also be an element of 'trying to save face' although she won't recognise that's what she's doing with her friends and teachers etc such constant mentioning etc cannot be healthy though.
I would advise maybe trying to get her some help, it sounds as though something like art therapy or counselling that could help her understand in an age appropriate way might help? Failing that, I know services are stretched, I would just keep gently but firmly correcting her. Keep being positive about him but correct her - so 'no darling I ordered that remember' etc.

Don't take it personally,she is still very little and doesn't understand current dynamics.It may come as a craving for more attention from him and that's how she copes with the situation.Imagination and dremaing about something is very pronounced at this age,it may be her little fantasy that help her to to cope.
When she talks constantly about it,try to take it in humorous way,don't let her feel that she is doing something wrong.
I am in similar position although me ex doesn't do anything to establish contact with my little ones (7&4),my DD mentioned that she would like to meet him quite recently (we split almost 2 years ago) but he doesn't want to arrange anything(it should be supervised contact).
Good luck OP .

I used to get this a lot from my DS, though not quite to the same extent, but it has definitely eased over time as the scales have started to fall from his eyes re how useless his dad actually is. There was a really tough transition as he came to realise (of his own accord) that his dad was unreliable and didn't reciprocate the adoration, but he's 9 now and rarely does the over-mentioning and endless comparison (which can be soul destroying!) No real advice, except to say it may be a phase that she has to go through as she comes to realise who her dad really is and hopefully it will pass.

@Mama1980

I think the teacher is probably right. Others seeing him all the time is highlighting to her how little she does sees him and she's trying to process why. There may also be an element of 'trying to save face' although she won't recognise that's what she's doing with her friends and teachers etc such constant mentioning etc cannot be healthy though. I would advise maybe trying to get her some help, it sounds as though something like art therapy or counselling that could help her understand in an age appropriate way might help? Failing that, I know services are stretched, I would just keep gently but firmly correcting her. Keep being positive about him but correct her - so 'no darling I ordered that remember' etc.

Thank you, the others seeing him is definitely adding to her worries. I will try and look into therapy with her but I can't afford private so it may be a case of waiting for CAMHS.

I will try reminding her I got it as well thank you

@3JsMa

Don't take it personally,she is still very little and doesn't understand current dynamics.It may come as a craving for more attention from him and that's how she copes with the situation.Imagination and dremaing about something is very pronounced at this age,it may be her little fantasy that help her to to cope. When she talks constantly about it,try to take it in humorous way,don't let her feel that she is doing something wrong. I am in similar position although me ex doesn't do anything to establish contact with my little ones (7&4),my DD mentioned that she would like to meet him quite recently (we split almost 2 years ago) but he doesn't want to arrange anything(it should be supervised contact). Good luck OP .

I do take it personally sometimes especially when it's all she talks about.

She does have a very vivid imagination which I think is probably adding to it, she makes up stories about pirates bringing daddy home, or her dolls always live with mummy because daddy got taken away by the bad people (she never says who the bad people are).

@JemIsMyNameNooneElseIsTheSame

I used to get this a lot from my DS, though not quite to the same extent, but it has definitely eased over time as the scales have started to fall from his eyes re how useless his dad actually is. There was a really tough transition as he came to realise (of his own accord) that his dad was unreliable and didn't reciprocate the adoration, but he's 9 now and rarely does the over-mentioning and endless comparison (which can be soul destroying!) No real advice, except to say it may be a phase that she has to go through as she comes to realise who her dad really is and hopefully it will pass.

Thank you for sharing your experiences, I am hoping like your DS it is just DDs way of processing everything and establishing her place in his life. And like @Mama1980 said saving face, I know i'll do that too.

I wondered if there was some SEN. Dyspraxia and Dyslexia can both be associated with some difficulties over organising/tracking time. Do you can something like a calendar? Highlight the days she is with you one colour and the days she is with Dad another. Dont highlight just dads days, as this implies they are special or stand out, you need to do both. Put other stuff on there (birthdays, days out etc). Cross off each day at the end of the day. It might help to get a clock that also has the day and date on.

If its age appropriate, a bit of laminated card with photos "all the people who pick me up" or "whose picking me up" might help. It could be stuck to the back of a homeschooling book, inside the lid of her school bag or in her coat pocket.

Develop a line of "That's nice dear", "Do I need to know that?" "Now why would I want to know that?". It sounds silly but the ideas that "Dad's house" is not here and things can be different in different homes might need reinforcement.

@Hazelnutlatteplease

I wondered if there was some SEN. Dyspraxia and Dyslexia can both be associated with some difficulties over organising/tracking time. Do you can something like a calendar? Highlight the days she is with you one colour and the days she is with Dad another. Dont highlight just dads days, as this implies they are special or stand out, you need to do both. Put other stuff on there (birthdays, days out etc). Cross off each day at the end of the day. It might help to get a clock that also has the day and date on.

If its age appropriate, a bit of laminated card with photos "all the people who pick me up" or "whose picking me up" might help. It could be stuck to the back of a homeschooling book, inside the lid of her school bag or in her coat pocket.

Develop a line of "That's nice dear", "Do I need to know that?" "Now why would I want to know that?". It sounds silly but the ideas that "Dad's house" is not here and things can be different in different homes might need reinforcement.

I'm the only one who picks her up, she does ASC occasionally but it's very infrequent now as my works very flexible since covid so I do my hours around school and DDs sleeping, that also makes her different to her classmates too as they have grandparents or friends or aunts and uncles picking them up and it's just me for her.

Then a picture of you she can check will probably be reassuring. Have a picture of your mum you can switch in when needed and put a copy in her school drawer the teacher can swap in case of emergency.

Sorry I miss understood that. Do the card for the afterschool club instead. Dont worry about the emergency one.

@Hazelnutlatteplease

Then a picture of you she can check will probably be reassuring. Have a picture of your mum you can switch in when needed and put a copy in her school drawer the teacher can swap in case of emergency.

They're not allowed to take anything into school at the moment apart from the clothes they're wearing a coat and a hat, but it's an idea for after covid dies down.

Poor child. She's desperate for him to live her and doesn't understand why he doesn't want her.

Dismissing her would be cruel. It's not her fault she was born into a violent situation with a father who was going to fail her so profoundly. She doesn't need her mum making her feel shit about it too.

Talk to school. They may be able to hang it on the coat peg.

I had a similar thing though not quite the same but dd became obsessed with wanting a dad, she was crying literally every time I picked her up from school, her dad isn’t involved, she became obsessed with her teacher who was a man (it’s when it started) begging me to marry him etc so she could have a dad, it’s was really difficult she was calling all the men in school “school dad” which was really embarrassing, but she has autism so I think it was to do with that. Definitely sounds like your daughter is trying to make up a version of him in her head to make herself feel better for the lack of contact.

@user113424742258631134

Poor child. She's desperate for him to live her and doesn't understand why he doesn't want her.

Dismissing her would be cruel. It's not her fault she was born into a violent situation with a father who was going to fail her so profoundly. She doesn't need her mum making her feel shit about it too.

How am I making her feel s**t about it? All I have done is love her and try and help her through it, I would absolutely never blame her for the situation or make her feel bad about it. I am trying to help her.

Poor little one. No advice, but I hope you find a way to comfort her.

I'm sure this is bad advice, but I would not be giving much response to the endless Daddy comments. "Mmhnm" "Right" "can you tidy your toys up" and simply silence.

Also I wonder if you are tormenting yourself more than necessary? At DS's school children are almost never picked up by grandparents, aunts or uncles. It would not make a child remotely unusual to only be picked up by their DM.

The more anxiety and stress you feel about the situation, the more she will latch onto that.

She doesn't need her mum making her feel shit about it too

It's not about making her feel shit. It's about dealing with what you can deal with, minimising the impact of what you can't and learning to tell the difference. Kids pick up on the values we attribute to things, if we get upset about something they learn it's something worthy of upset. What you are aiming to do is help your child recognise and value what is important and reliable (Mum is there for me at pick up) and what isn't (Daddy has the same wash powder).

Also children going between houses especially where one is abusive are looking to work out who to trust. So a child may be looking for validation about the other parents choices, and doing that with "tests"over everything from parenting to wash powder. If your child sees that you find it ok to comment on the choices of the other parent, it must be correct with the other parent says shit stuff about you. You really dont want to be validating anything an abusive ex says or does. Therefore the least said (until you really need too) the better. That way it has a bigger impact when you have to say "no darling you are right, that's not ok and its very wrong that your Dad has done that".

You need to establish boundaries that this is here and that is there.

You also start to establish the things you really do need to know. By throwing that judgement call back to the child "Do I need to know that" you are starting the process of the child figuring it out for themselves. Of course you need to be able to follow it up with a conversation about why something isn't appropriate for you to know or why you dont want to discuss it, and why something may need to be discussed with you (it's a real safeguarding concern).

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I'm sure this is bad advice, but I would not be giving much response to the endless Daddy comments. "Mmhnm" "Right" "can you tidy your toys up" and simply silence.

Also I wonder if you are tormenting yourself more than necessary? At DS's school children are almost never picked up by grandparents, aunts or uncles. It would not make a child remotely unusual to only be picked up by their DM.

The more anxiety and stress you feel about the situation, the more she will latch onto that.

i agree with this ^

what a shit situation for you OP, i really feel for you. I think gently almost shutting her down like this poster has suggested would be a great idea.

I also like the idea of a fish? weirdly, new pet? distraction techniques? But obviously nothing high maintenance like a dog.

@GettingItOutThere she would love a dog, I'm not so keen and neither is my cat! I've had fish in the past before I had DD and loved them so it would be a good idea to have some, it's just finding space for them, small 2 bed flat and all that! But I'm sure I can make it work

fish? weirdly, new pet?

Definitely not the time to introduce anything that can die, run away, or break😜..... it's a miracle our cat survived DDs determination that it wouldn't be allowed to abandon her ever 😵🙄🐱and the fish at the other end was just traumatic😖😖😖.

Anything that can't be replaced or duplicated (ideally by next day delivery) is not your friend.