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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

DD obsessed with her dad

39 replies

AnxiousAnxiousChild · 24/04/2021 19:45

Posted here as its more relevant to lone parents.

Split with ExH in 2017 due to his violence. He has court ordered contact with DD. Court order states EOW for 1 night and 1 night per week for tea. He sees her for 4 hours EOW that’s it. I’ve asked him to have her as per the order. He won’t.

DD is 6, school year 2.

DD is literally obsessed with him. Whatever I do is compared to daddy, if I take her to a café or restaurant (pre-covid obviously) “Daddy brings me here” or “Daddy took me to mcdonalds which I like better” or similar. Everytime I take her to her swimming lesson or gymnastics “Is daddy coming?” “When will daddy be here?” same when we go to the park “Is daddy coming to the park with us?”

Same with trips to the zoo, aquarium, even birthday parties for her friends. It’s either Daddys bought me here (he never takes her anywhere bar mcdonalds) or “Is daddy coming too?”

At school she talks about him to her teacher saying Daddys picking her up tonight and they’re going to mcdonalds. He never picks her up, he hasn’t picked her up since she was in Reception. I’ve had no end of phonecalls about it and school have stopped correcting her now. She always asks me as we’re leaving school “Are you taking me to daddys?” she even told her headteacher as we were leaving once that she didn’t want to go until daddy got there – thankfully she was in year 1 and the HT knew DD and the situation, so let us go without an issue but it’s heartbreaking. Several times she’s asked me why daddy hasn’t come to get her.

Even my cooking and the soap I use is compared to her dads. She tells people her dad bought things for her when I’ve bought them and she;s been in the shop with me or they’ve been ordered online and she’s seen me and they come to here.

She’s constantly buying him presents with her pocket money.

I don’t compete with him, at all, but I’d like to be able to do normal things with my DD without being compared to him. I’m heartbroken for her. I never lie and I never put him down.

So how can I help her through this?

For added context: DD has a joint condition that can be painful, she’s also suspected to have dyslexia and/or dyspraxia, she really struggles at school and I do wonder if this is part of it.

For even more context: ExH works in the supermarket in our town, it’s where literally everyone shops so often her school friends will mention they’ve seen him when they’ve been to the shop and her teacher thinks this is also adding to her anxieties around him.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnxiousAnxiousChild · 24/04/2021 22:07

@Hazelnutlatteplease

fish? weirdly, new pet?

Definitely not the time to introduce anything that can die, run away, or break😜..... it's a miracle our cat survived DDs determination that it wouldn't be allowed to abandon her ever 😵🙄🐱and the fish at the other end was just traumatic😖😖😖.

Anything that can't be replaced or duplicated (ideally by next day delivery) is not your friend.

True, DD adores our cat, the cat is very indifferent about DD though.

OP posts:

Mintyt · 25/04/2021 09:42

I don't know a great deal, but I was desperate for my Dad to be a Dad to me. I have always said hurt with the truth not a lie, but be age appropriate. I like the idea of colouring in a calendar and crossing the days off, but I would gently correct her, "I got you that but Daddy got you @@@. Daddy doesn't pick you up from school I do.

Temp023 · 25/04/2021 10:37

I think there are people on here really trying to help but I would be very careful about taking some of this advice.
Is there nobody trained in councilling at the school that might be able to help?

Original poster

AnxiousAnxiousChild · 25/04/2021 10:41

@Temp023

I think there are people on here really trying to help but I would be very careful about taking some of this advice. Is there nobody trained in councilling at the school that might be able to help?

Unfortunately not, they have a SENCo who does all the referrals like this and DD is already known to them due to her issues with her joints and the suspected dyslexia/dyspraxia. They used to have a company connected with the church (cofe) that school shares a name with and they did counselling with some of the children but they apparently went under due to covid so it's CAMHS or nothing.

OP posts:

MsSquiz · 25/04/2021 10:47

I used to do this. My parents split when I was 6 months, and from then on I only really saw him 3 times a year (birthday, Christmas & Easter)
My DM did everything and never slated him, but I was a huge Daddy's girl. Would make up stories about what me and him had done on a weekend (when I hadn't seen him) and as I got old o would regularly tell my DM I wanted to live with him! My DM would throw me a huge birthday party almost every year, and when he turned up, it was like God had walked in! And all I'd talk about after the party was the fact he had turned up!

It's overcompensating and putting him on a pedestal. But it won't last forever. Once I hit about 10 years old, I soon realised he wasn't really interested in me, only visited for an hour, didn't even notice if I went to play in my room after 15 mins!

I don't know why the answer is, but DM just rode out the storm, always gently corrected my "stories" if she heard them, tried to manage my expectations or soften the blow of him not turning up. I can't imagine how rubbish she must've felt

midnightstar66 · 25/04/2021 10:48

This isn't too unusual, I work with a little boy in foster care and he's very similar. My dd was also similar although didn't have any contact with her dad at all at the time and he wasn't around.

Carry on as you are, being positive, gently correcting. She'll grow out of it but at the moment she's desperately seeking the father figure that he sadly isn't. Don't take it personally it's not a reflection of you but just her fantasy of what she wishes her dad was.

Lachimolala · 25/04/2021 12:56

Could you speak to your GP about a referral to MAST or MASH I think it’s known as in other trusts? I couldn’t get anywhere with school etc so I tried them and they helped a lot with my son’s anxiety around mine and his SD separation and the resulting fallout from that (abuse from ex to me etc) might be an option?

Original poster

AnxiousAnxiousChild · 25/04/2021 18:58

@Lachimolala

I googled MASH and MAST in my area and it says thats a service offered to those on CP plans from SS, so I don't think so.

OP posts:

Starlightstarbright1 · 27/04/2021 13:19

I would also ask gp..I got play therapy for my DS through womens aid so they may be able to offer somethine..Could you afford to go private.

I would be more blunt but obviously gentle..

Daddu sees you on.......
It is always Mummy who collects you from school... If this ever happens I will let you know but don't see it will for now..

I think it is a coping mechanism - my Ds makes jokes about his absent dad.I know there is some pain in there.

Original poster

AnxiousAnxiousChild · 27/04/2021 14:31

@Starlightstarbright1

I would also ask gp..I got play therapy for my DS through womens aid so they may be able to offer somethine..Could you afford to go private.

I would be more blunt but obviously gentle..

Daddu sees you on.......
It is always Mummy who collects you from school... If this ever happens I will let you know but don't see it will for now..

I think it is a coping mechanism - my Ds makes jokes about his absent dad.I know there is some pain in there.

Can't afford private therapy sadly, wish I could. I will try the GP but when I discussed it before they could only refer to CAMHS.

There is no womens aid in my area, I was with them when I first split with ExH but they merged with Victim Support who don't offer counselling for under 10s, so it looks like it's CAMHS or nothing until I can afford private.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnxiousAnxiousChild · 27/04/2021 16:22

She's come out of school with a certificate saying daddy saw her get it - I corrected her gently "No sweetie no-ones allowed in school except the children and the teachers at the moment, remember Mrs X (headteacher) said in her video?" she cried and got upset saying daddy was there she saw him.

OP posts:

Happycat1212 · 27/04/2021 16:43

Hmm that does sound odd, although at one point my son made up an imaginary dad because his isn’t around, could it be like that?

Original poster

AnxiousAnxiousChild · 27/04/2021 17:18

@Happycat1212

Hmm that does sound odd, although at one point my son made up an imaginary dad because his isn’t around, could it be like that?

She says it was daddy, he was in her classroom in his work uniform watching her get her certificate. I doubt it as I have to have meetings about her SN on the playground at the moment so I doubt he'd have been there, but she's certain he was and that she wasn't pretending.

OP posts:

unicornsarereal72 · 28/04/2021 07:06

What a difficult situation for both of you. School should have Elsa support she can access. There maybe charities that offer counselling for free in your area. It might be worth giving camhs a call and asking them what is available. I was able to access six sessions for both my children. I now pay a charity who provide low cost service. I do understand money is tight. It worth having a google.

My DD is always full of dad stories. She goes eow for the day. He took her to a hotel at the sea side for one night last year (the only thing he did all year). And it was the high light of her year. It was because he does so little with her that it is such a treasured memory.

Hope you can find some support for you both.

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