Ex won't allow DC telephone calls to me

[Smokeandashes]

Narc ex sees DC eow and has them overnight 1 day per week. Court order specifically states that phone contact should be allowed to the other parent. But DD1 is saying that ex won't let her call me when she asks. Ex has given various reasons e.g. "it's too late", "you will miss your mum even more if you call her". DD gets upset telling me how she isn't allowed to phone me. She has even tried to call me herself but didn't know how. Easter holidays are coming up and we have to share the time equally out of term time so DCs will be away from me for a long period of time. What can I do? It breaks my heart to think of DD being homesick like this. She doesn't want to go to her dad's but I have to make her because of the court order. DD is 6 and a half and we have a younger one too who doesn't really understand phones yet. (I would allow DD to call my ex but she has never asked.) Ex is really horrible and emotionally abusive individual, very controlling etc.

@starbrightstarlight8888

Does she need to call on the 1 night he gets with her? He has very limited time with her and you're asking to eat into that time by her calling you.

Argh. This isn't what I was saying at all 🤯 DD wants to call and isn't being allowed to. And it's not about my ex's time; everything is about what is in the best interests of the DC.

@COS2102

We have the same thing here. Never allowed to ring when at the other house but never wants to ring the other house when here....its like a jealousy thing, I think. I wish I could advise you but it is something we are still dealing with too. We don't have a court order and time is split evenly always for us.....however the other house can be very difficult and wouldn't want to address the issue over there...we just remind them at pick up/drop off 'remember call me if you want. No matter what time of day' and sometimes we get a call....most of the time we don't. One time he realised he could ask Google to ring so rang upset one night.....Google has now been turned off on the ability to ring through voice command...

Oh that's really sad 😥 I'm sorry Google means you don't even have to speak to each other so is a good idea (if you were dealing with a rational person). How old are your kids? Yeah I have started reminding that phonecalls are allowed but when they are this young they really have no power at all.

What is maddening is if DD wants to ring her nan, her cousins, etc when she is with her dad, she's allowed to. It's not like he doesn't want her to make phonecalls because they eat into his time. It's just that he objects to phonecalls to me, on principle.

I know you say it is because DD wants to call but I really don't think a phone call on 1 night away needs to be such a big deal. You need to make it less of a deal rather than a bigger deal than it needs to be.
The discussion should be with him. He needs to know he cannot deny a call if requested but you also need to not encourage the situation. Why does she want to call? Work on that.
Let your dd know that you are fine and perfectly ok whilst she is away for the night. That it is her dads time and she doesn't need to feel she has to call you. All whilst having the conversation with him, legally if necessary, that whilst you won't encourage the communication, he cannot prevent it if she is insistent.

My son wants to call me when he’s at school as
Like I said he hates it; but isn’t allowed, no one says it’s abusive to force kids to go school 🤷‍♀️

Ours is 9, so like another poster, he is beginning to be aware it isn't right but it is also making him very conscious of his other parents feelings over his own because he doesn't want them to be cross or upset.....which is hard because its a good thing to be able to think of others but also not great to 'only think of others and to think out of fear of being made to feel bad

I think we can't advise on this situation without knowing why the court order included the phone call in the first place.

@COS2102

Ours is 9, so like another poster, he is beginning to be aware it isn't right but it is also making him very conscious of his other parents feelings over his own because he doesn't want them to be cross or upset.....which is hard because its a good thing to be able to think of others but also not great to 'only think of others and to think out of fear of being made to feel bad

I think this is an especially difficult issue for kids whose parents have split up, when it is not amicable or there's been abuse etc. I know DD doesn't like to rock the boat / upset her dad.

I think some of the responses are misguided. It's not about whether the dc should be able to go one night without ringing - the fact is they want to. It's about their needs afterall.

Hes not acting in her best interests. Take him back to court.

@Willyoujustbequiet

I think some of the responses are misguided. It's not about whether the dc should be able to go one night without ringing - the fact is they want to. It's about their needs afterall.

Hes not acting in her best interests. Take him back to court.

thank you I was asking for advice on the situation. Didn't ask what an acceptable length of time to go without a phonecall is. Didn't need people saying "one night isn't so long" and especially didn't need the "my kids hate school, what is the difference" comments!

Its all about control for him, he's making his DD suffer to get one over on you. Id be straight back to court if i were you.

Sounds like he's not allowing calls in order to get at you with no regard whatsoever for his child or what she wants. As she gets older she will see him for what he is

If I go back to court, how would that work? Would I need to get a solicitor? We only finished court towards the end of last year and it was absolute hell... It nearly destroyed me emotionally as well as costing a fortune (no legal aid as didn't report the abuse at the time). Thanks

You could represent yourself..... It is important to know why the phone call was mandated in the first place. Was it just argued for by you, or by a professional?

It was suggested by caffcass, because DC were not used to spending time alone with their father - prior to our separation he only saw them when I was there too, or I did most of the childcare alone.