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Original poster

My ex will only see the kids if we get on?

48 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 12/03/2021 23:52

I have 4 children. My ex has very limited contact with them and only sees them as and when he feels (he currently hasn’t seen them for 2 months) he’s never had them over night and since splitting they’ve never even been to his house (4 years) he will only see them by coming to my house. And he will only see them if me and him are getting on, he’s literally just admitted that to me! He thinks it’s reasonable to only see his kids if we get on?! So if we don’t he won’t see them. How can someone think this is acceptable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 12/03/2021 23:55

I was not “hiding in my room” when he comes round I stay upstairs and keep out the way but he doesn’t like that as he thinks we should all sit down together like one happy family when I despise the man.

My ex will only see the kids if we get on?
OP posts:
PickAChew · 12/03/2021 23:58

He's blackmailing you. Ignore. It's better for your kids not to see him at all than see him inconsistently because he's changed his mind about why he wants to see them.

willibald · 12/03/2021 23:58

Why are you enabling this? Just don't have him round again.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 13/03/2021 00:02

He makes me feel like I’m the unreasonable one. I get told he won’t see them because of me. He’s going to blame me to them. He’s been Saying for the last few months that he is sick or isolating, for 2 months he’s been saying. Now all of a sudden it’s because of me. That’s the only way he will see them is at my house and if I don’t let him I get told I’m stopping him.

OP posts:
willibald · 13/03/2021 00:17

@Givemeabreak88

He makes me feel like I’m the unreasonable one. I get told he won’t see them because of me. He’s going to blame me to them. He’s been Saying for the last few months that he is sick or isolating, for 2 months he’s been saying. Now all of a sudden it’s because of me. That’s the only way he will see them is at my house and if I don’t let him I get told I’m stopping him.
He won't be seeing them so how will he blame you? Fuck him. Tell them the truth then. So you're stopping him. Too bad. He doesn't get to be in your house. He's an abusive cunt.
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 13/03/2021 00:37

I guess he will pop up when they are older claiming I stopped him. I don’t know anyone that has their ex in their house. My oldest asked why he never takes her to school and he had the cheek to say in front of them “well for me to take you to school I would have to stay over”

OP posts:
willibald · 13/03/2021 00:47

@Givemeabreak88

I guess he will pop up when they are older claiming I stopped him. I don’t know anyone that has their ex in their house. My oldest asked why he never takes her to school and he had the cheek to say in front of them “well for me to take you to school I would have to stay over”
Just bloody tell them. 'Your father and I have split up. He refuses to accept this and tries to use you all to go back on this. It's not your fault. It's his.'
Love51 · 13/03/2021 00:53

It seems like he doesn't realise that he's an ex. He doesn't get to step back into family life. And if he wants to do the school run he can come over in the morning!
He's overstepping boundaries as if he is trying to get back with you.

nzborn · 13/03/2021 01:16

This is all about control and you need to stop this situation somehow.

ihavenowords30 · 13/03/2021 07:56

Does he pay for these kids?

unicornsarereal72 · 13/03/2021 08:26

I know it is hard because you are a good person and want your children to have their dad in their lives.

You have got to push back. And say anytime you want to see them I can drop them to you. Oh great you want to take them to school fab. They will be ready at 8 for you to pick up. What day do you want?

Keep it clear. Anytime you want to see the kids let me know.

Don't engage in anything else. I know it is hard. When I first split up with my children's father. He was sofa surfing. So would have the kids here and I would go out. It didn't last long. When I came back one day he had showered and was sat on the sofa in his pants and the house looked like a bomb had gone off. And the kids were nowhere to be seen. He knew he had cross a line. From then I said the kids are ready for you to take out whenever you want.

FreddyTheFlute · 13/03/2021 08:30

No. Absolutely not. Fuck that shit right now. He is not at all reasonable.

‘Our arrangement no longer works. Moving on, you will need to take the children to your home on your days.’

And id be going through cms.

Number3BigCupOfTea · 13/03/2021 08:34

My x thought he was the judge of ''acting weird'' as well. And acting weird = not doing what suited him. Funny that. Doing 100% what suited him never made him happy when we were together.

I agree with others who say stop facilitating this. You can't be ordered to play happy families and your home is your home and you are bending over backwards to facilitate his opportunity to form a relationship with his DC and instead of acknowledging that and valuing it and capitalising on it by focusing on the 4 DC, he is bitching at you and trying to control you.

Good luck.

You can't make him be a good father. That's on him.

You deserve space in your home and you deserve to not be held responsible for his failings.

Oldbutstillgotit · 13/03/2021 08:35

So many Mums tie themselves in knots trying to facilitate a relationship between their DC and their Dad . The bottom line is that so long as the DC are made available, it is up to him to make the effort .
My ex pulled this shit when we separated. Phoned our DC and told them he would love to see them but I was being difficult etc .
At an appropriate time I sat them down and told them the truth . It was painful but they are now adults and appreciate my honesty .
Interestingly , they have no relationship with him .

Number3BigCupOfTea · 13/03/2021 08:36

''for me to take you to school, I'd have to stay over''.

Omg, you need to stop this now.

Agree with the poster who said ''this arrangement doesn't work. when you want to see the kids I"ll drop them over''.

user14515324156262562 · 13/03/2021 08:41

@Givemeabreak88

I guess he will pop up when they are older claiming I stopped him. I don’t know anyone that has their ex in their house. My oldest asked why he never takes her to school and he had the cheek to say in front of them “well for me to take you to school I would have to stay over”
So you correct his bullshit. It's not fair on your children to allow them to be manipulated by him instead of providing accurate information.

How many years did he abuse you for that you're still trained to comply with him to this degree?

BruceAndNosh · 13/03/2021 08:41

What ages are the children?

Loopyloututu2 · 13/03/2021 08:44

Get a backbone (I mean this nicely). Stop letting him come round. Tell him he has to have them at his place from now on.
Sadly, it sounds to me like he isn’t that arsed about seeing them and will let it trail off completely. But him removing himself from their life could be healthier in the long run anyway than them being constantly dicked about by him. They need stability, even if it just comes from you.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 13/03/2021 09:36

Thanks for the wake up call I did need it, I’m sick of being made to feel like the unreasonable one. He was abusive during our relationship and I feel it’s all still part of his control , but we’ve been split up for 4 years! He loves that I never get any time to myself and that I can’t do anything or go anywhere because my children are with me 24/7, I think he likes to use it as a punishment for me to never get a break. He doesn’t want to take them, he doesn’t want them at his house. He keeps them down here and they don’t see his friends or family, they don’t exist in his world. The most he would do is only seen them once a fortnight, that would involve coming down here, sitting on my sofa ordering them a takeaway and watching a film, as soon as the film is over he will leave and that’s it for another 2 weeks, so basically he saw them maximum 2/3 hours a fortnight. And I’m expecting to get along with him and be friendly when he is here as if he is doing me a favour by seeing them. The children are 9, 8 6 and 3.

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 13/03/2021 09:37

And he pays £7 because he doesn’t work and hasn’t since we split.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 13/03/2021 10:04

Clear this up today op.

Send him a message:
From now on you are responsible for making your own arrangements to see our children. This will no longer be possible inside our home. As their father it is up to you to provide a place to be with them, that is NOT on my long list of responsibilities. If you won't do that, then you alone are responsible for any issues that arise in your relationship with them. Message me when you have made arrangements and would like to see them. I will not be debating this or_ replying_ to any other messages from you.

Press send, and then don't look at whatever his response is (if you get one) for 48 hours.

Carry on with your day 🌺

user14515324156262562 · 13/03/2021 10:10

@Givemeabreak88

And he pays £7 because he doesn’t work and hasn’t since we split.
Oh. You've posted a lot of threads about his abuse and your refusal to disengage from being sucked in.

Look, stop engaging with his abuse, stop trying to persuade him, stop wasting so much of your time and energy thinking about him. Stop writing epic posts analysing him and wringing your hands that he won't stop being an abuser. Of course he won't.

He's still controlling you all this time later because you keep letting him. So if this thread has been a wake up call act on it and change your behaviour or you will never break free of this cycle.

user14515324156262562 · 13/03/2021 10:13

@FantasticButtocks

Clear this up today op.

Send him a message:
From now on you are responsible for making your own arrangements to see our children. This will no longer be possible inside our home. As their father it is up to you to provide a place to be with them, that is NOT on my long list of responsibilities. If you won't do that, then you alone are responsible for any issues that arise in your relationship with them. Message me when you have made arrangements and would like to see them. I will not be debating this or_ replying_ to any other messages from you.

Press send, and then don't look at whatever his response is (if you get one) for 48 hours.

Carry on with your day 🌺

Nah, don't do that. He will just get off on the fact he's got her riled up and wasting her time writing out long messages for him to play games with.

Don't waste your time. He already knows all that. This is just about control. Engaging with him and trying to educate him or negotiate with him just gives him power.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/03/2021 10:32

Just don't contact him again

If he says he wants to see the children say that he can pick them up from X place (not necessarily yours) at X time - like McDonald's or a park (don't tell the children in case he doesn't turn up) - then if he doesn't show within ten minutes go home

You are under no obligation to do anything else. If he shows up at yours don't answer door, if he gets angry call police

PurpleMustang · 13/03/2021 11:20

What is his reasoning for not taking them to where he lives. How far away is he? Is there enough space for them to sleep over (do you want them too?). He is obviously taking the piss. He probably tells his family he never sees them. And big question but been split for 4 years with a 3 year old. Did he leave while you was pregnant? He is doing this all so you can't have a life. So he can keep tabs on you. And so you can't move on with someone else.