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Lone parents

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Original poster

My ex will only see the kids if we get on?

48 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 12/03/2021 23:52

I have 4 children. My ex has very limited contact with them and only sees them as and when he feels (he currently hasn’t seen them for 2 months) he’s never had them over night and since splitting they’ve never even been to his house (4 years) he will only see them by coming to my house. And he will only see them if me and him are getting on, he’s literally just admitted that to me! He thinks it’s reasonable to only see his kids if we get on?! So if we don’t he won’t see them. How can someone think this is acceptable?

OP posts:
PurpleMustang · 13/03/2021 11:22

Also keep a diary, keep all messages and stick to messages and email so it is all written down. In case you need it. And for the future if kids say you kept dad away from us etc etc

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 13/03/2021 11:34

He has a 3 bedroom house but he rents out every room to lodgers, so nowhere for them to go. He also lives 2 hours away so pointless taking them for the day as that would mean 4 hours of travelling in one day. He has no interest in changing his living situation.

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Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 13/03/2021 11:40

Oh and yes he left me when I was pregnant, she’s 4 in may.

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Number3BigCupOfTea · 13/03/2021 11:46

As a poster who has an x who was going ''to tell the children the truth about me'' I advise letting him do that. If he threatens you with the narrative that he'll blame you for cutting him off from the children, just shrug and say, ok, you'll have your truth. Do not engage.

Your children will have their own eyes, ears and truth.

You can be a better support to them if you're not tearing yourself down trying to win his approval/permission even after you've split up.

He will beat you with any stick available to him. Learn to live with that.

there will always be a stick. Always.

Learn to detach from caring.

Stop bending over backwards to facilitate his being a father to them.
You're doing mother. That's your responsibility.

And he's only ever made that harder for you! And yet, you're trying to make being a father easier for him.

Please stop.

Number3BigCupOfTea · 13/03/2021 11:49

Ps, it's not uncommon this situation you're in. I left my x and it took me 18 months to stop engaging with him.

But you've let this go on for four years.

I will say that of course my x's inner martyr beast was ignited after I stopped engaging so get support to get you through this period.

Can you put two children in one bedroom and get a friend to stay with you through this period?

Mischance · 13/03/2021 11:51

It is important that there is no strife when he is there for the children's sake. If that is what he means then that is not unreasonable. You can put on a face for those few hours and hate the bugger the rest of the time. But do not engage with conversations about this. That will give him a "let in" to manipulate you.

Number3BigCupOfTea · 13/03/2021 11:52

ps 2, there is so much pressure on women not to be petty, not to be vengeful, not to ''deprive'' their children of a father, not to get in the way of that relationship. I fell for this bullshit.... I also bent over backwards for a long time to spoon feed a father chidren relationship to him but he was only capable of it while I was ''serving'' it at great inconvenience to myself. As soon as I stepped back and stopped serving it as a side order to ''fucked with my xw today'' then it all dwindled to nothing very quickly.

And of course he blames me! But I no longer feel the weight of his thoughts. You can get to this point too but only if you disengage.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 13/03/2021 12:01

Mischance

I don’t want him in my house at all, I want no interaction with him what so ever. I want him to take them. Why should I be forced to be around my ex.

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Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 13/03/2021 12:04

Number3BigCupOfTea Thank you I did really want my children to have a father hence why I wasted so much time trying to make him be one, but I realise you can’t make someone be a parent, he would only be a parent if I was facilitating it all, he does no parenting when he’s here he sits on the sofa watching a film with them so it’s not like he is actually doing any parenting, he’s more like a friend to them.

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2020iscancelled · 13/03/2021 12:10

Stop all contact.

If he wants contact it goes through the courts.

Don’t engage.

Stop waiting for him to turn into a half decent human being - it isn’t going to happen OP.

You’re wasting your time and energy on this. Your children are confused and bewildered at his coming and going.

You don’t have to have any contact with him, tell him to fuck off and mean it.

You know you are not unreasonable so why even give it the slightest bit of headspace wondering if you are?

He will not change so you need to change. No more contact. No more visits to the house.

If you want access, get a court order. And repeat like a broken record.

Whatdoesitsayaboutyou · 13/03/2021 12:43

My ex was very intermittent seeing dc so I gave him an ultimatum step up or go it's not good for dc.
Ex didn't come again and dc was so much more settled. I documented everything and dc know this. Dc arranged meet ups twice when about 13 as was curious. Ex was no better and dc saw for self what he was like. It actually helped dc realise that ex was only one to blame and dc has now just got on with his life.
Get on with your life and don't allow him in the house if he wants to see dc ask for a set routine if he can't do this he's not going to be a good role model in your dcs lives so better out than in.

PurpleMustang · 13/03/2021 13:06

Wow he is a total nightmare. He has created a living situation so he can't have the kids over. Or even too far to have them during a day. That must have been awful him leaving whilst pregnant. I agree with @2020 back off, don't contact him. Dont let him see them until things have lifted that he can collect them and take them out the house. No more coming into the house. And the sensible answer to your child asking for him to take them to school would of been he lives too far away to do it. Don't let him blame you for not being able to by having to stay over. He chooses to live two hours away. Does he have any family or friends close by that he could sleep over at. Take kids out, return them, sleep elsewhere, take them out again next day?

Mischance · 13/03/2021 13:26

Do you trust him with the children? That is what it comes down to really. Are you happier to pack them off with him, or do you feel it is safer if you are around?

In the end there are things that you need to agree on if things are to go well for the children.

I accept that you hate him; but in the long term you need to agree about the children's diet, what they are allowed to watch on TV, what sanctions should be used for misbehaviour etc. If the two of you cannot work something reasonable out between you, then it is the children who will suffer.

I know you hate him - and I am sure there are sound reasons for that - but at the moment it is damage limitation for the children that needs to be the priority. I know it is hard.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 13/03/2021 13:34

Yes I trust him to take them. I have no concerns, I don’t think he is a great parent but i don’t believe he will harm or abuse them. Yep he’s created the situation to make it so he can’t have them, all his rooms are fully rented out and it’s his income so he doesn’t have to work. no one close by at all, all his family live down where he is now.

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Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 13/03/2021 13:36

I can’t have him in my house because he makes me feel uncomfortable and he would do things like try to stay over dropping hints etc falling asleep on the sofa that kind of thing

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Starlightstarbright1 · 13/03/2021 14:06

Don't contact him.

Don't let him know anything he does bothers you.

When he asks to see the children tell him the children are available for collection let me know what time they will be returned.

Grey rock is the only answer here.

You have to also move away from the idea you are responsible for his relationship with his children. Imagine if you didn't live with your kids would you contact the parent they were living with or just leave it up to them to chase you... this is how crazy the situation is.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 14/03/2021 10:58

Thanks everyone I’ve ignored him
And have had messages now saying I’m always cutting him out of his kids lives 😔 will just have to carry on ignoring.

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Redwinestillfine · 14/03/2021 11:05

Honestly I would be pleased he's not going to be in their lives. They deserve a Dad who wants to see them not someone who uses them to control their mum. Don't engage and facilitate anything. If he wants a relationship with them make him put the effort in. I suspect he won't ( or won't after a token fuss to try and get you to react again).

CallmeHendricks · 14/03/2021 11:13

The pizza thing reminded me of my friend's ex, who arrived for the day to spend time in her house with the four (teen) kids whilst she went out.
He ordered pizza for them all, plus all the trimmings, put a tenner down on the table to cover his (supposed) portion, and let the oldest child pay for the rest with my friend's debit card.
He never paid much maintenance either.
What a prince.

PostivePants13 · 14/03/2021 11:38

This is so hard for you and I feel your pain. He is taking advantage of your loveliness. You need to make him take responsibility for his relationship with his children. your children may feel confused if he comes to the house especially if he stays.
reduce communication with him. He is manipulating you. If he wants to see the children then he can meet you somewhere with them. Short periods to start. If you have any communication tell him he has to be consistent. put yourself back in control.
Sending big hugs. You have got this xx

Theunamedcat · 14/03/2021 11:50

I've stopped engaging and raging about my ex shit isnt worth it he ditched his kids during a pandemic totally they had covid symptoms there SCHOOL FRIENDS PARENTS were dropping off milk and cereal as we were isolating he didn't the second he heard the kids had symptoms him and his girlfriend had full blown covid had an ambulance out and everything (allegedly) claimed it was a confirmed case when they weren't tested then he cut contact down to one hour twice weekly because of covid his eldest son cant be bothered to see him most the time (his youngest hasnt bothered with him for two years) he blames me his behaviour has zero to do with things apparently 😉

mybonnieliesovertheocean2 · 14/03/2021 11:54

Ignore him,,,he has got used to you accepting his wants and demands. Its just another attempt to exert control, insisting he comes to your house should be stopped now. My ex used to do that, would play games and refuse to collect little one from nusery unless he went back to my flat. Refused to have him overnight as 'why' should I be allowed a night out. It is his responsbility to see his DC, you are making the DC available to see him. You are not preventing him from seeing them. Just not in your home.

ApolloandDaphne · 14/03/2021 11:57

He gets off on riling you so keep ignoring him. It will drive him mad.

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