Fed up with my DD3

[Dilraj68]

I've been a lone parent since my youngest child, DD3 was only 3 months old. Her 3 siblings are young adults and living with me. Ever since I can remember, DD3 has always gotten into trouble for speaking her mind and being a bit judgmental. I gradually realised that it's the influence of her two big sisters, although to be fair, they're always explaining what's wrong and right and how to be a better kinder person etc. She had problems in primary school, she felt excluded and bullied due to her weight issues.

At the start of her Year 7, I'd start her on a healthy low fat eating regime but since the 1st lockdown and remote learning, she's lost interest and the diet went down the pan. She lost interest in her school work, had a good parent's evening report but there were concerns that she hadn't submitted all her work. She would log on to do her homework but then have about 3-4 other tabs open watching YouTube and tiktok (hate these apps with a passion!)

She constantly finds herself in other people's disputes (online and off) and gets into trouble. I've lost count of the number of detentions she's been issued but the last straw was recently when she was put into isolation / exclusion due to an abuse of the email system and imnappriate language.

We are fed up with constantly explaining and talking to her, she listens for a day or two then back to naughty behaviour, insolence, attitude and answering back. She refuses to do her chores or keep her room tidy. She's incredibly disorganised and always faffing around every morning before school. We live within 10 minutes walking distance. She has everything she needs, not wants, and that is a mobile. I've been dead set against one because I know she cannot be trusted with one.

We've had to put her on probation (at home) during this February half term which meant no TV and no laptop to play on. She stayed in her room, read and slept. After that , we had the incident with the isolation which happened yesterday.

My other children are very reluctant to celebrate her 12th birthday coming up in 2 weeks time. They all pitied her while she was on probation and wanted to make things better for her but then she turned around and misbehaved. Our hearts aren't into a birthday celebration but I feel very bad as a mum and will do what I can to kerp it simple. Truth is she doesn't deserve a huge fuss.

I've spoken to the school and they'll arrange pastoral care for her. What can I do apart from talking to her as that's not working.

Thank you for reading.

She sounds lonely and isolated especially with lockdown.
Spending a week in your room with books and no interaction is really not healthy.
It doesn't sound like she's getting a lot of positive interaction socially at home or school and that she could be acting due to mood and isolation and in a negative attention spiral which she doesn't know how to get of.
A big fuss is exactly what she needs.
Everything has been negative lately.
I would start looking for the good in her, making a fuss over her.
Find something positive for her to engage in, which she will enjoy and a hobby. Sit with her, spend time with her. If she's struggling with organisation then don't stress it simply go and help her. Take the pressure and expectations off.
For her birthday get everyone in the family to find good things about her and write them all of the house/make a display/etc. That will make her feel better about herself, it will also help you and others remember her good attributes.

She doesn’t have a phone whilst her friends do? How does she retain her friendships in lockdown? She will be totally excluded. You removed her computer in lockdown? What else was she supposed to do? I think you are way too harsh on her. I’m not suprised she retreated to her room.

I’d ignore the messy bedroom, it’s one battle not worth fighting, and lots of kids have piled on weight in lockdown ( including my own dd😢)

She’s got 4 adults having a go at her? It sounds awful for her. Back off.

We've backed off too much, that's why she's become disrespectful. She has goodness in her, don't get me wrong. She uses my laptop for her homework and the occasional group chat with her friends but the issue is, she abuses it. During the first lockdown she used my mobile to text her friends. Then there was a fight within the group so I had to stop the chats. I'm not cold hearted, I do feel for her but I don't know how else to discipline her. I never had this issue with with the others, there were no smart phones or tablets back then and life was generally different.

It sounds like you're allowing your three older children to parent her. "We've" put her on probation? It's not really their business if she misbehaves and absolutely not their role to co-author punishments and that includes deciding if she deserves a fuss on her birthday due to her behaviour.

It must be absolutely stifling for her, and I'm not surprised she's getting involved in other people's lives when she has four adults trying to organise her own.

Can you tell your other three to back off, she has a parent and it's you. I know it's hard in Covid but I would be trying for some positive one to one time with her doing something she enjoys.

You refer to ‘we’

You’re her mum not the rest of them. There’s nothing more judgemental or sanctimonious than a young adult at times. She will feel absolutely outnumbered and retreat, which is what she’s done. I don’t know what ‘probation’ is, but it sounds tough. I’m a secondary school teacher. Praise and rewards work much better than sanctions.

It doesn’t seem she’s had a phone of her own? Which is why she’s using yours? All kids squabble on phones. You could get her one and monitor it.

And it’s not your young adults call to decide about her birthday. That must be totally crap for her. Birthdays are there to be celebrated regardless of behaviour. She will resent this for the rest of her life.

Your elder kids need to butt out. I’m serious. Why do they think they have a say in parenting your child? Also putting an under 12 year old on a low fat diet might have contributed to the bad behaviour - girls who are at the beginning of puberty need fat in their diets to regulate hormones. If you had approached a medical professional first they would have told you this.

Honestly you need to start taking ownership as a parent.

You need to have a rethink with your approach OP.
Letting her siblings influence your attitudes and decisions is not a good idea.
What would she have to do to 'deserve' a good birthday?
Her self esteem is going to be knackered if you punish her in this way.

And every child deserves a ‘huge fuss’ on their birthdays. It’s the day they came into the world by your choice. Why wouldn’t you fuss over them? Especially in the midst of all this shit.

I think you should allow her a phone and trust she can sort out her own battles, including the consequences of impulsive action. She sounds a strong character, that is not a negative trait, it will serve her well in later life, but l appreciate it can be a challenge as to regards with parenting.
Most teenagers have messy rooms, usually improves as they get older, same with healthier choices 're food and exercode
. Try not to compare her alongside your older more compliant children, from my own experience, once l stopped trying to force my young teenage son to fit into the 'mould' l had of him, that's when positive progress began. Your daughter will know full well she is a disappointment to you and rest of family, our young teenagers want nothing more than to feel valued and important members of the fami!y. Praise positive behaviour, and l would make a real effort to make her birthday special.

Have you looked into adhd? Adhd is often overlooked in girls and from what you've said sounds like she maybe has a couple of the traits, I might be very wrong but could be worth looking into.

You started her on a diet in year 7???!!! That alone is terrible and could set her up with a lifetime of issues with food.
If you wanted to have a healthy lifestyle it should be implemented as just that and for everyone. Not single her out and put her on a diet.
Her life sounds really miserable tbh, diet, having her only communication with friends taken away, shut away and ganged up on by her siblings along side you. Just utterly dreadful.
She most probably feels bullied, alone and probably depressed.
Also thinking of not celebrating her birthday or making a fuss. That poor poor girl. Shame on you.

Worldwide2, there's no need to make me feel worse thank already do.

Thanks for the responses. Two of my kids have ADHD (without the hyper) and it's something I've mentioned to her tutor.

Agree with every word @Worldwide2 said. That poor girl.

This might help.

www.purplehouseclinic.co.uk/parenting-techniques/power-love-bombing-reboot-childs-emotional-well/

Thank you very much, will take a look x

If she doesn't have her own device then it is natural that when allowed into your laptop for homework she will log into Tik Tok and YouTube. You are free to not like those apps but your DD does and without access to them, she will struggle to find common ground with her peers. This is especially relevant to your DD because she was bullied at primary school and struggled to make friends.

Once someone has put weight on, it is incredibly hard to diet. I would imagine it would be near impossible when you are changing hormonally and a national pandemic means you spend all your time in your bedroom. What else is there to do except eat? You needed to act when she was much younger to prevent her gaining weight or to loose it. Unfortunately now it really is her choice whether or not to diet and it is a shit choice to have to make.

Definitely celebrate her birthday. Nothing you have described sounds out of the realms of normal behaviour. Try to remember what you love about her and cut her some slack. And tell her siblings to back off and save their energy for when they become parents!

Unfortunately the world spins on YouTube at that age and to a lesser extent Tiktok.

My Dd at that age used to wait for her favourite gamer to upload everyday. If you don’t let her have access to those she will just lose any contact with the world of her peers.

We live in a digital age. Teaching her to use them safely is what is important, not banning them because you don’t like them. It’s just isolating her.

I bloody hate Tiktok. Dd 14 loves it.

My post wasn't designed to make you feel bad it was giving an honest opinion on the situation you have described. I feel incredibly sad and sorry for your daughter. She must feel so alone.
Re reading your post I don't get a hint of feeling towards her at all from you. So you feeling bad is a good thing maybe you will dramatically change your attitude towards her. Especially if she has adhd on top of all this aswell.

What does probation mean at home?? It sounds like you are allowing yourself to be guided by your older DCs who sounds actually quite mean to a 12 year old girl. Already reluctant to celebrate her birthday 2 weeks from now? You should be the mature adult and make a fuss after what sounds like a terrible year for her. She of course deserves it!

Do you allow her any screen time ( not tv) apart from homework?

Hello OP,

This sounds like a tough situation for all involved. There's no doubt you love your dd and want what's best for her, and sometimes it's really hard to know what "best" means !

I agree with everyone that not celebrating her birthday is a bad idea. It will negatively impact her self esteem and not help with anything.

Re screens - I don't love screens for children, and mine (2yo and 10mo) have zero screens (we don't own a TV). However. At 12 years old I think that it's become hugely important to have at least some screen time, especially in lockdown with little else to do.

So. What I would suggest is focus on what you include rather than what you exclude, and also start with rebuilding a healthier family life. This could include :

• walks together with your daughter (and other DC) if and as allowed
• board games with the whole family to try to promote bonding in situations that are pleasant for everyone
• healthy eating for everyone, and try to make your daughter an active participant rather than a passive victim of it ; for instance, cooking together, meal planning together, make sure to include nice healthier snacks (baked apple with cinnamon for instance, or cake recipes with less fat and more fruit).
• offer her a clean slate, her birthday is a good opportunity for that. Tell her, "look, this year has been hard for everyone, I've not been happy with some of your behaviours but I know it's been a tough time for you too, so let's have a healthy start. I expect this and this from you, but I also recognize that you may need X and X". I, personally, would offer her screen time (can be suspended for misbehaviour of course).

Also maybe look for things to do with her. I agree that it'd be healthy for her to have hobbies. Can you do fun things at home like science experiments, or lego building, or make up sessions or whatever might be fun for both of you ?

Also agree with everyone that her siblings should not act as parents. They aren't her parent. They need to stop that.

Jesus Christ your poor daughter sounds absolutely miserable and I can see why!!! You need to have a good reread of your posts!!!

I've sat her down and had a good chat with her today after school. There was a friendship issue that had gone wonky and still unresolved. That's the crux of the problem she was having.

I agree that letting her down on her birthday is a bad idea and I'm not going to let the other kids dictate to me as to what should or shouldn't be done.

Screen time is allowed after homework is done, I'm not a complete fascist. I've allowed her this but she abuses it to an extent where she gets involved in disputes. During the first lockdown last March, she was so bored I agreed she could have a tiktok account on my tablet but had her account suspended after imnappriate language. This is why I'm reluctant to allow her a mobile.

Marty, you've given me some fab ideas thank you. I think board games and evening walks are a good idea.