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Lone parents

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Original poster

ex says I am selfish

29 replies

colditz · 04/11/2007 18:43

because I didn;'t want to help him put the children to bed tonight, as I am supposed to be going out.

Background...

We split 9 months ago, and he still lives in the same bedsit where he can't take the kids. He comes here every night to see them. Most nights he helps to put them to bed.

If he is going out he will not come, ditto if working late or ill.

I NEVER get a night off. He never has them on his own overnight, unless I kip out at my friends .. about once every 3 months.

He says I am selfish to not want to help him tonight. I wanted to get ready/

Well, I tink he's being a dickhead. AIBU?

OP posts:
BoysAreLikeDogs · 04/11/2007 18:45

No. Dickhead. But good that he is staying involved with the children

Original poster
colditz · 04/11/2007 18:46

i know, I know

i am so cross with him I opened my wine early and glugged a glass with pineapple juicve

OP posts:
moondog · 04/11/2007 18:47

Absolute cock monkey.

Original poster
colditz · 04/11/2007 18:48

Am I being selfish though - moondog you know he has previous, but look at it as an isolated incident - am I really being selfish?

OP posts:
stripeymama · 04/11/2007 18:48

Gitwizard.

Has he considered getting a suitable home so that DCs can stay with him? Or would suggesting that also be "selfish"?

Original poster
colditz · 04/11/2007 18:50

Well, I did, but apparently I know he can't afford that cos the csa are taking £80 a week.

(they are taking £30 a week back pay cos he owes them)

OP posts:
stripeymama · 04/11/2007 18:51

Well I know nothing about whatever the previous is, so my opinion is based on it being an isolated incident.

Why should you have your ex in the house whilst you are running round geting dressed etc? Its totally reasonable on your part, esp if he sees them nearly every night.

Original poster
colditz · 04/11/2007 18:51

Asking him if yhe wants help is also 'childisah' apparenly

grrgrgrgrrgrrgrgrgrgrgrgrgrgrtgrgrgrgrg4 ak;stgt7inr467in

OP posts:
stripeymama · 04/11/2007 18:52

Have more wine.

stripeymama · 04/11/2007 18:53

My ex called me selfish for cleaning the floor when he came on his weekly visit to dd. Apparently he was "not there to see her for my convenience"

BoysAreLikeDogs · 04/11/2007 18:55

And have a lovely night out. If you can stop seething, that is.

Lauriefairycake · 04/11/2007 18:56

it's so hard to imagine how this lovely, caring, man is your ex.

Perhaps you could rub his feet and make him a cup of tea too.

JodieG1 · 04/11/2007 18:56

I agree with you, he's being a dickhead.

Alambil · 04/11/2007 19:24

... of the highest order.

Stupid man!

nametaken · 04/11/2007 19:28

Why on earth can't your ex put the children to bed himself? I expect he was jealous about you going out and just wanted to say something mean to upset you.

Put this silly comment behind you and have a lovely evening.

Judy1234 · 04/11/2007 20:24

The problem is you cannot make a father see his children and many simply choose not to. It's very unfair.

Original poster
colditz · 05/11/2007 00:24

Am seething

More tomorrow.

OP posts:
madamez · 05/11/2007 00:27

Oh, and how many times did he help you put the DC to bed when you were living together?

Original poster
colditz · 05/11/2007 08:37

Right

It kicked off at kids teatime, he told (yes told) me to go and have a shower. When I said I didn't want to sit and eat my tea in my dressing gown, he launched a bitter diatribe on how selfish I am, apparently '99% of the time' I don't help. And '99% of the time' in the day I sit on my arse and don't do anything. And I never do anything to help him, and I am turning the kids against him.

So, the fact that when he is here late to see the boys, I will sometimes do him some tea, and the fact that I always make sure we are in for his frigging daily visits, and the fact that I never make a fuss if he decides he isn't coming because he is going out or similar .... I though that was me being helpful and kind, but if I am still, despite my best efforts, being selfish ... well I won't change anything, will I? Because in my heart I know what is best for the children, and it is not court proceedure.

He seems to be angry with me for refusing to make his decisions for him. I won't tell him what time to be here, whether to come if he doesn't feel well, and I won't cover for him to the kids. I am making him bear the brunt of his own decisions and he is retaliating by not making any

I hate him for using babysitting as a way to ensure he can be as nasty as he pleases and I won't dare retaliate because he will walk out. I am never having him babysit again. He is holding me to bloody randsom over it and it's not fair. I don't need to go out, so I won't. He can fuck off.

OP posts:
Original poster
colditz · 05/11/2007 08:40

he only ever walks out on a discussion when I need him to be here. he wouldn't let me get a word in fucking edgeways and he completely ruined my night out.

Of course he has apologised to the hilt, but this time I don't give a shit, I have NOT forgiven him, he does it on purpose to make me miserable.

OP posts:
used2bthin · 05/11/2007 08:53

argh sorry no time to chat now but just wanted to say we are in similar situations and reading this has made me get all worked up for both of us!

Original poster
colditz · 05/11/2007 09:23

and I am so goddamn sick of hearing 99% of the time.

TThe ONLY thing I do 99% of the time is bloody breathe. I am not a bitch 99% of the time, I am not nasty 99% of the time, I do not refuse to help 99% of the time, and I would appreciate less drama and more realism.

He says he wants me to help so we can 'do something together', well, I don't fucking want to do things with him, he can do it himself or not bother staying for bedtime. I don't want to help him, or do it with him. I would rather do it on my own.

It's as if, in his own mind, he glosses over how he treated me, and the fact he doesn't fecking live here, and then is angry because I won't collude with him to uphold this fantasy world.

I had a fit at him a few weeks ago, because I came downstairs and caught him and my dad faddling with my porch light, changing the bulb, and I wanted them to leave it alone.

This thread has lost the point and become a ranty now.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 05/11/2007 09:37

It is very difficult to keep an ex VERY inolved in your dc's lives whilst wanting them to no longer be AT ALL involved in your own...but this is what he needs telling. He's there for his sons, not you. He can ask about their activities, nit yours and he has no rights whatsover to comment on your personality/behaviour anymore (unless of course it was seriously affecting your dcs etc).

Tell him you will allow him visits on the understanding that even if you are there he must get on with things as if you weren't. Just as you have to 99% of the time...(sorry couldn't resist)

Original poster
colditz · 05/11/2007 10:00

I know, I know and in the main it is a good thing that he comes every day, but ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH I don't seem to see any7 less ofhim than when he lived here. I can't just bugger off out, because contrary to what he accuses me of, I am busy between 4.30 and 7.30. Cooking tea, doing reading, gtting in some one to one time with ds1, clearing up, making packed lunch, doing laundry ... all of which does not get done if I leave the house.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 05/11/2007 11:14

I really sympathise..but he must realise that he can't dictate how or emotionally blackmail you into doing what he wants whilst you're there...
Perhaps coming every day really is too much, it seems that neither of you have the bonuses of being single, just the hassles. Perhaps your dcs need to understand that you two are seperate people now with different lives...?