ex says I am selfish

[colditz]

because I didn;'t want to help him put the children to bed tonight, as I am supposed to be going out.

Background...

We split 9 months ago, and he still lives in the same bedsit where he can't take the kids. He comes here every night to see them. Most nights he helps to put them to bed.

If he is going out he will not come, ditto if working late or ill.

I NEVER get a night off. He never has them on his own overnight, unless I kip out at my friends .. about once every 3 months.

He says I am selfish to not want to help him tonight. I wanted to get ready/

Well, I tink he's being a dickhead. AIBU?

Oh but every tim e he misses a say ds1 misses him so much. I can't go through the heartache of my 4 year old screaming at me for daddy, I'm just not strong enough.

It must be absolute hell for you. Maybe this every day thing has to stop, for the sake of everyone.

ds aged 4, however hard it is, would soon get used to it, and it cannot be like tis forever. What if you meet someone, or ex does.

NO wonder you are losing it, if i had to see mine like you do it would drive me mad. Once a fortnight pick up drop off is bad enough.

I know this is saying the obvious, but you aren't together anymore, and if is starts getting upsetting for the kids, cos ex is callingthe shots more and more, and you are getting on each others tits, then he's got to butt out.

Its so hard, i know, not to put the kids first in every way, but sometimes, you have got to think of you hun.

Agreed Pirate. This has to stop.

Colditz, your username really sound slike you are prisoner.
These daily visits have to stop. The blackmail and the insults are not good for you or your children....and how can you be a good mum if your being constantly worn down by this crap?

He hasd to take respnsibilty here. If my ex came in here dictating the rules and calling me selfish...I'd have kicked his ass to the curb a long time ago.
Your house...YOUR RULES!

Be selfish and PUT YOURSELF AND THE LITTLIES FIRST...not him. He ought to be greatful he has daily access.

Colditz you HAVE to take control of this situation. He is running the show and you will go nuts if you allow it to carry on.

Its really hard redefining a relationship, especially if you have children and baggage.I split from my ex over 7 years ago and it took about two years before we got on a healthy even keel in regards to communication/contact for DD. The problem was that he wanted us to be together so would do everything in his power to try and spend time with me. God it was hell..

It is not healthy or appropriate for him to be visiting the house EVERY day.

You need to decide when its convenient for him to visit and lay down some boundaries. You have to be strong about this as he will try and make you feel guilty.

Surely he can take the kids to his place for a couple of hours?... they don't have to stay there!! Then perhaps just come and see them at yours twice a week.. The kids need to know you are not together anymore and see that life is different... they also need to to see that you are a happier person because of it.

One piece of good advice that I always remember is this. You can't change someone elses behavior but you have total control of yours. Be strong and sort him out!