20% is that it?!

[noworlater]

After many months (years really) of agonising over whether to leave DH or hang on to a hope of working things out, I have finally come to the conclusion that it isn't going to work. It is sad... but true. I have now accepted that.

So, my dilemma is funding a life without him. We have two young children. We both work full time (and then some). If I leave and take the kids with me (which is of course my only conceivable option), I don't make enough money to support the kids, pay rent, and pay childcare. As I understand he would have to give me 20% of his income. But, 20% of his income would only barely cover 1/2 of childcare, forget food, rent, clothes, school (state school but they do ask for money here and there -- book day, contribute to this, contribute to that, etc.), and activities.

Is this right? Do mums have to pick up the bill no matter how high and the dad's get their responsibility capped at 20% of their gross pay?

If this is so, then I can't afford to leave until both kids are in full time school. I simply couldn't afford the childcare to go to work. This seems so unfair. But, judging from some stories I've seen on here mums seem to get by on unbelievable small amounts of funding from selfish XH/Ps.

Well, Lostdad, I am not your x wife and what you describe is not my plan at all. To be honest I'd relly rather get divorced. But I can't the life I have much longer. And I believe it has gotten to the point where it is not what is best for the children. I intend to get my affairs in order and give hime one last chance. If he wants to work with me (which unfortunately is unlikely) then perhaps we can move forward together. And if he says goodbye he's had enough as well, then I'll be prepared to look after my children and myself.

I could list all the reason why he unreasonable, an dI could probably convince you that I'm not the evil one. But, if I typed all that here, he might read it and file for divorce before I have my finances in order and then I'd be up a creek without a paddle.

God, I so wish I wasn't here. But I am. And I have to do what is best for my children. And this dreadfully unhappy home is not it.

Yes lostdad - it is noworlaters choice.

Sorry to but in but I don't think it's fair to attack the OP on this when you don't know what is going on.

She's obviously not going into this thoughtlessly and just what is wrong with looking to protect and provide for your children? Feeding, clothing and housing them doesn't come free of charge.

(PS Sorry to talk about you in the third person OP! Hope this all gets sorted out for you and your DCs).

I would also add, reasonableness goes both ways. If one party is not reasonable then there is not much point trying to be reasonable with them.

I speak from experience there, unfortunately.

noworlater - I too face this equation of the ends that dont meet.
I get zero money from my ex and have 4 children. Our solution was to move abroad. In germany, I can earn enough money to pay an au pair, and stay afloat. You need either agreement from your ex, or 100% parental responsibility to take your children out of the country though.

I was in the same situation as you - but only working a 3 day week (so I guess childcare costs were lower). Even though, my salary only just covered the cost of 2 kids in nursery, so would have been nothing left for mortgage, bills, living.

We went to mediation and went through our expected cost in quite a lot of detail (as well as bills etc, it included things like entertainment, alcohol, make up (I'm guessing for me, not him!), presents for kids parties etc etc). The mediator basically said it was unfair if one of us ended up with a much better financial situation than the other, so my XH has to pay a %age of childcare, which can't drop below 50%, in addition to maintenance. We also had this written into the consent order.

My only other option would have been to give up work, look after the kids full time (which I was happy to do when I was with him, but think it would have driven me mad by myself!) and move to a much less expensive area. He would probably have had to pay me spousal maintenance and I think the thought of him giving any money to ME, for ME, swayed his thinking.

Good luck - my advice would be not to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of finances. There is always a way round. And I can honestly say from my situation, everyone concerned is much happier now (even if I still moan!)

Thank you for the responses. I appreciate the practical advice as well as the support. I just don't know how average people can afford to get divorced.

JodieO, do you mind if I ask which of the services you have used? We don't own any property but we do have debt. So I expect there will be some financial issues.

Is that last picture on your profile you with your newborn? If so you look way too good to have a child that young. That is so unfair!

noworlater - divorcing has been without a doubt the WORST financial decision of my life!

Everyone is talking abour CSA here. CSA have been replaced by CMEC, though they are still acting in old cases everyone will swap over in time. You need to check out the CMEC website.

www.cmoptions.org/en/maintenance/changes.asp

I'm not sure of the details but I think new cases are based on gross salary rather than net, but are a lower percentage. To avoid lots of income being 'hidden' away in pensions etc.

There's a calculator here:
secureonline.dwp.gov.uk/cmoptions/calculator.asp

If I can establish that 1/2 of the actual child related expenses (childcare, groceries, school dinners, clothes, etc.) is much more than that could I reaisitically get 1/2 of the actual expenses.

The figure given on that website won't even cover 1/2 of the childcare. He make more moeny than I do. How can it be fair that I have to spend more than he does raising our children?

Good luck with the CSA. Ex-p hid his substantial income and the CSA advised that there was nothing I could do unless I could prove it. Even though he has a lifestyle way beyond his apparent means. They said that the Inland Revenue might be interested but not them. Means he gets away with paying £50/mth when he should be paying about £500/mth.

That's crap. What do you need to prove his income? Can't you petition his bank statements or get his company to diclose what they pay him or something? I think I'd take the CSA's advice and tip off the IR.

I was in a similar position to you and my exH pays 20% of his net income and even as a higher income earner myself I am struggling.

He also does not keep to his part of the deal re seeing them - ie instead of every other weekend it's usually every other saturday night and he picks up DS2 from school one night per week. But can't wait to get away asap.

I was arguing discussing with him on he phone today about the fact he doesn't stick to the access agreement and he had the cheek to say that if I was going to get funny he doesn't actually have to pay for any extra bits and pieces (they are not much) he does pay for - this might be for a half a school trip, half ofmy son's football registration and today I asked him for half of the cost of a weeks playscheme during the Easter break.

I then reminded him that technically he should see the DCs for the whole weekend, I should not have to drive them to his house and pick them up. And that I am subsidising the time he is meant to see them but doesn't.

eg this week he said he can't do his usual Thursday pick up from school or cm (I had actually told him I might be going out for a drink which I have now had to cx). He agreed to swap it to Friday and I said ok why don't you have the dcs overnight and had also suggested he take DCs to his place on Thurs but no he couldn't do that and waffled on - blah blah blah.

He has got me over a barrel - everything is to suit him and new DP. He can't seem to see all of his children (he has two by new DP) as a whole, iyswim.

Just a word of warning so you won't be as naive as I was.

But despite the struggle would much rather be alone with DCs than in our truly awful marriage.

Noworlater.

20% is a minimum and is, IMHO, too low.

Try and work out what you reasonably need to fund your DCs lives and then try mediation to see if he will pay that.

My DH does (for his two DDs) - has, at one point, paid over 80% of his salary to ensure their lifestyle didn't alter.

THere is going to (have to) be some cutbacks as you will be financing two houses, but the kids shouldn't be the ones who suffer most.

My main advice is be reasonable. No judge likes to be presented with a 'bumped up' request... What you spend now / what is neccessary for the kids to have the sort of lifestyle they currently enjoy.