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Original poster

Do I tell children about new half sibling?

28 replies

ThisMustBeMyDream · 21/01/2021 00:26

My children are 8 and 5. Their father left 6 years ago. The older of the two was just turning 2. I was in early pregnancy with the younger.
He cheated on me and then ran off back to his mums to lick his wounds. He occasionally contacted me over the next year, but when I wouldn't take him back, he would disappear again. He was not interested in seeing the children. He saw my youngest when he was 8 weeks old. That was it.
So 6 years later, and the only brief contacts have been about the relatively straightforward divorce (it was simply a matter of signing papers as I found out he cheated 4 hours after marrying the wanker) and child maintenance which he was forced to pay by DOE on CMS. He now pays directly after 3 years on the DOE. He contacted me yesterday to say he was being switched to monthly pay and gave me some info about dates etc. Then he drops in the "oh, me and my partner are expecting soon, so that will affect payments". He added a bit more about him wanting me to hear it from him, and that "I'm not trying to replace our children which is stupid to say really considering how much I've seen them, but they are in my heart and mind a lot".

I spoke to him a bit further about it as unfortunately I am a midwife, working in this area - and he still lives here (really close by). I obviously want to avoid any kind of contact with either of them professionally. I then established he has left it until she is 38 weeks to tell me. I think his partner has put the pressure on him to tell me.

He has never once asked to see the children over the years. He still didn't yesterday despite his seeming regretful message. I don't think he will ever ask, or want to be involved in their lives. So, what do I do? Do I explain to my children? I have told them they have a father, they know his name. I have showed them pictures. I explained that daddy was a bit silly, and he maybe wasn't ready to be a daddy at the time. I explained he moved out to live with his mummy, who is their nana. That is as deep as I have explored. My eldest has memories and is interested when I talk about him. But he never ever brings up the subject himself. My youngest couldn't be less interested in the subject and never asks if he has a dad or where is he etc.

Both of them, if asked who their dad is, answer that my partner of 3 years is their dad. They do not refer to him as dad, and I don't encourage them to think that. That is just what they have decided separately it seems.

If I do explain to the children that daddy has a new partner and she and he are having a new baby boy - how will that make them feel? I can only think how I would have felt, and that would be a sense of rejection. That daddy didn't want me, but he wanted my sibling.

My other thought was to wait til the youngest was maybe 2 years older so they are 10 and 8, and then explain they have a sibling etc. But the sense of rejection would be there still, surely?

My partner and mother both suggested writing the two boys a letter each, to explain my thoughts at this time, and my decision making in telling or not telling them. Then obviously when older I could give them the letters so they would know I tried to make the best decision I could for them.

I'm so bloody angry right now. He has got away scot free from everything, he gets to leave his children completely and start a new life. He has no thought for the children that already exist and how his decisions will affect their lives forever. I have had to do absolutely everything for them. Taken on every stress. And here he is, dumping yet another one on me to deal with on behalf of our children. Selfish twat!

So.... what would you do in my position?

OP posts:
Otocinclus · 21/01/2021 00:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 21/01/2021 18:15

Anyone else got any advice?

OP posts:
TheSpottedZebra · 21/01/2021 18:19

Well I do, but it's exactly the same as Otocinclus, unfortunately.

Tell them. Dont make it a secret, dont put any expectations on them eg you wo t want to see them, or yay! a new sibling. Just tell them factually and allow them to feel what they feel and to talk to you about it.

TheSpottedZebra · 21/01/2021 18:20

Oh, mine wasn't a different situation so actually not the same as PP.
Mine was a new 1/2 sibling.

PatchworkElmer · 21/01/2021 18:25

Very difficult situation OP. I think I’d mention it next time you were talking about their father. But I think I would tell them how to save it being this huge secret/ something they feel you have withheld in the future.

PatchworkElmer · 21/01/2021 18:26
  • tell them now
LetMeOut2021 · 21/01/2021 18:31

A friend of mine had a sibling who her mother had had when she was 16 and who was adopted. When she was 18 her mother announced she was going to meet her half sister that evening. My friend took it really well, but she’s a very balanced, matter of fact sort of person. She understand why her mum had kept her past a secret.

Slightly different scenario. I don’t think I’d be in a rush to tell them, if they’re curious and ask I might. But I’m not sure I’d make it into an announcement.

Palavah · 21/01/2021 18:35

Tell them now but don't make a big deal of it. It may be more of an issue for you than for them if they don't understand the implications.

TheFoz · 21/01/2021 18:38

There’s no easy answer. I think no matter when they find out there is going to be rejection felt by them. But it’s better that you are not the one keeping secrets. One of the main people in their lives who is supposed to be their biggest cheerleader and protector has already let them down a bag full, don’t you do it too.
I’d consider talking to a play therapist or child psychologist yourself so you can explore a way in which to tell them. Good luck with it.

CherryBlossomTree7 · 21/01/2021 18:46

I would tell them now.

Don't make a big deal of it. I'm sure at 8 and 5, they won't think much of it. If you don't tell them now, they may resent it and see you as covering up the truth or lying to them in years to come.

A very difficult situation OP.

marshmallowfluffy · 21/01/2021 18:55

I think it's much easier now than later. When they are 10/11 they start to talk about feelings less (teen hormones) plus you've got the risk of them looking up their sibling on social media and feeling crap when confronted with pics. A 10/11 year old might get angry that you've kept this secret and consider it lying where as an 8 and 5 year old is less likely to dwell on the news.

Isadora2007 · 21/01/2021 18:55

I'm not trying to replace our children which is stupid to say really considering how much I've seen them, but they are in my heart and mind a lot

So would he be looking to build up a relationship with his children ? I’m not sure why he’d have said the above if he wasn’t maybe thinking about it? Is it something you can ask him about?

If he doesn’t want to then I guess I’d maybe get your baby books out to look back at when your boys were younger and talk to them about that. Then bring up their dad and how they don’t really see him but he has a new partner and is expecting a baby. Then I guess you just answer their questions if they have any as honestly as possible and don’t make any promises etc.
It’s a tough one though.

Starlightstarbright1 · 21/01/2021 18:59

My ds has an older sibling- hus dad doesn't see, doesn't see ds either- yes writing was on the wall..

Anyway i told my ds, but he us aninquizative child..

I would mention it in passing, do make it a big deal. I would wait until after baby is born so at least you can say half brother/sister etc

Alexandernevermind · 21/01/2021 19:05

I agree with pp, that just tell them in passing, as a by the way, but don't call the baby a half sibling, call the baby their father's baby. You don't want to build expectations of a relationship with a new baby brother or sister.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 21/01/2021 19:05

Dont announce it. Dont keep it secret. When the talk and ask questions or their biologicsl dad comes into the convo you can gauge if the are interested don knowing more.. and then you can introduce ideas like their biological dad is also biological dad to another little boy or girl ......and that little boy or girl is their half brother or sister. Just because you know now it dowsnt mean you are keeping a secret by not disclosing it immediately to them. You will know when it's time to tell them ans be guided by their conversations about family and relatives..whether in general, arising from story books or specific about their biological dad. It may be worth having books around that have stories about separate family systems etc.

Let yourself get used to it first there is no immediate Rush.
And talk to him about of he the kids are in his heart and mind Hmm whether he has thought about he wanted to manage this and what plans he may have fe ensuring his third child knows about his teo older siblings. Just a thought ...

Ranting and rambling ideas. I just think you know now doesnt mean.you have to somehow immediately share that with two young children.

mrssalvatore14 · 21/01/2021 19:10

I see my opinion is not a popular one but I wouldn't tell them, I'd be worried they would feel rejected and be hurt why daddy didn't want them but has got a new baby.

If he's not in their lives anyway what difference will it make?

hannahbananananananana · 21/01/2021 19:11

I would find out first what interaction your exh and his new partner would want before telling your DC, as they may announce they want to meet the baby or later down the time even when theyre older. This will influence how you approach it depending on the other partys willingness to participate in any kind of meeting

Countrylane · 21/01/2021 19:14

The thing is, if you don’t tell them, you’re sort of being forced to lie to them (if only by omission - and absolutely understandable). But my priority would be to be straight with them. Tell them, don’t make it a big deal, but don’t let it be a festering secret either.

DinosaurOfFire · 21/01/2021 19:18

If they don't see their father, and he has no plans to see them, then don't mention it until it comes up. I was in a similar position as a child and only found out things as I asked questions, which were mostly when I was an older teen/ adult. They don't need to know unless it affects them in their everyday life.

Givemeabreak88 · 21/01/2021 19:19

Bit different here but my kids have an older sibling that their dad had that I didn’t know about when I first met him, he told me when I was pregnant and didn’t/doesn’t have contact with him, I’m not with their father anymore but no I haven’t told my children, they won’t be having a relationship with the child so pointless imo, I will tell them when they are older (18)

NavyKitchen · 21/01/2021 19:26

Secrets in families have a way of coming back to haunt us. At 5 and 8, they are young enough to accept it and move on quickly. Please be honest with them, for your sake as much as theirs. You don't want to be seen as the bad guy further down the line because they feel you've lied to them/omitted to tell them.
We have a few complicated/step/secret child stories in our family and I approach most of it in the same way I approach sex education, which is to always be honest in an age appropriate way. Usually, mine lose interest halfway through a convo and ask for a snack/to go on the Xbox etc...

TheSpottedZebra · 21/01/2021 19:28

But they live close by! They (also) need to know as it is so close to home.
You could pass them in the street, in the supermarket. The mother could decide to seek you/them out.

Seriously, don't make it into a web of lies that will eventually unravel anyway.

UserEleventyNine · 21/01/2021 19:28

I see my opinion is not a popular one but I wouldn't tell them, I'd be worried they would feel rejected and be hurt why daddy didn't want them but has got a new baby.

If he's not in their lives anyway what difference will it make?

If they all live in the same area, there's a good chance they'll find out for themselves when they're older. Much better if they hear it first from their mother.

Is the father gong to tell the new baby that s/he has siblings? What if he or she comes looking for them in 18 years time?

SnowFields · 21/01/2021 19:30

I would tell them without making it a big announcement or issue. Say you spoke to their dad and he said he thinks of them often and he will be having a baby in the future. That’s all they need to know for now unless they question further.

NavyKitchen · 21/01/2021 19:50

@SnowFields totally agree.

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