My children are 8 and 5. Their father left 6 years ago. The older of the two was just turning 2. I was in early pregnancy with the younger.
He cheated on me and then ran off back to his mums to lick his wounds. He occasionally contacted me over the next year, but when I wouldn't take him back, he would disappear again. He was not interested in seeing the children. He saw my youngest when he was 8 weeks old. That was it.
So 6 years later, and the only brief contacts have been about the relatively straightforward divorce (it was simply a matter of signing papers as I found out he cheated 4 hours after marrying the wanker) and child maintenance which he was forced to pay by DOE on CMS. He now pays directly after 3 years on the DOE. He contacted me yesterday to say he was being switched to monthly pay and gave me some info about dates etc. Then he drops in the "oh, me and my partner are expecting soon, so that will affect payments". He added a bit more about him wanting me to hear it from him, and that "I'm not trying to replace our children which is stupid to say really considering how much I've seen them, but they are in my heart and mind a lot".
I spoke to him a bit further about it as unfortunately I am a midwife, working in this area - and he still lives here (really close by). I obviously want to avoid any kind of contact with either of them professionally. I then established he has left it until she is 38 weeks to tell me. I think his partner has put the pressure on him to tell me.
He has never once asked to see the children over the years. He still didn't yesterday despite his seeming regretful message. I don't think he will ever ask, or want to be involved in their lives. So, what do I do? Do I explain to my children? I have told them they have a father, they know his name. I have showed them pictures. I explained that daddy was a bit silly, and he maybe wasn't ready to be a daddy at the time. I explained he moved out to live with his mummy, who is their nana. That is as deep as I have explored. My eldest has memories and is interested when I talk about him. But he never ever brings up the subject himself. My youngest couldn't be less interested in the subject and never asks if he has a dad or where is he etc.
Both of them, if asked who their dad is, answer that my partner of 3 years is their dad. They do not refer to him as dad, and I don't encourage them to think that. That is just what they have decided separately it seems.
If I do explain to the children that daddy has a new partner and she and he are having a new baby boy - how will that make them feel? I can only think how I would have felt, and that would be a sense of rejection. That daddy didn't want me, but he wanted my sibling.
My other thought was to wait til the youngest was maybe 2 years older so they are 10 and 8, and then explain they have a sibling etc. But the sense of rejection would be there still, surely?
My partner and mother both suggested writing the two boys a letter each, to explain my thoughts at this time, and my decision making in telling or not telling them. Then obviously when older I could give them the letters so they would know I tried to make the best decision I could for them.
I'm so bloody angry right now. He has got away scot free from everything, he gets to leave his children completely and start a new life. He has no thought for the children that already exist and how his decisions will affect their lives forever. I have had to do absolutely everything for them. Taken on every stress. And here he is, dumping yet another one on me to deal with on behalf of our children. Selfish twat!
So.... what would you do in my position?