Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

ExH is so awful I just can't cope anymore

85 replies

Chadvalley · 17/01/2021 15:20

I'm sure he has a personality disorder. We have small DDs and share their care so we have to co-parent. I don't know if I can do it. In the last year since we split he has reported me to children's services about 8 times (they are, I think, quite sick of him but they have to investigate), he has reported me to the police, he has been awful about handing over DDs, going back on his word and keeping them for longer than agreed (this has now stopped due to a recent court order). I am starting to see how abusive our marriage was, how he totally fucked with my mental health. He tried to convince me that I had a personality disorder, then tried to convince me that I was autistic. He never actively stopped me seeing my friends but he would engineer situations to make it impossible (e.g. always flake on the childcare at the last minute and I would have to cancel or bring DC along). Financially he was completely in control of everything and very mean with it. Since splitting he has been financially abusive towards me. Since we have split he has damaged my things, hidden them, said he doesn't have them when I know he does (he has remained at what was the family home). He is just awful. How do I move forward and co-parent with someone like this for the next 13 years? Without going totally crazy in the process? Any decision we have to agree on, he disagrees with me on principle. He would argue that the sky is green just for the sake of it. He writes long, rambling emails when just a few lines would do. He keeps me deliberately out of the loop for e.g. dentist appointments then delights in telling me I have missed a check up. He refuses to use mutual friends or family as intermediaries. He refuses to use a communication book, I tried this and he ended up refusing to give it back. I am just so overwhelmed and feel very despondant 😭 I almost feel like letting the DDs live with him all the time, because then I wouldn't have to see him or interract with him (I wouldn't actually do this). Please tell me it gets easier??

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 17/01/2021 19:31

Cafcass will say its about them not you and they will only be concerned with him abusing them not you

Contact the dentist get all appointments emailed over to you same with doctors you are to be copied in to any and all appointments if they balk explain ex will NOT tell you of appointments and they will be missed if he makes them and they are on your time

As for your property you might need to get a court order for them back

Also ask the school for counselling for your 8 year old minimum and explain he will not return their homework

Chadvalley · 17/01/2021 19:44

@Pebbledashery

I completely get that. I can imagine it's daunting being litigant in person against an abusive ex :( How long ago were you in court? I still can't believe cafcass recommended shared care :( How are your daughters when they come back from contact with him?
Not great when they come back. I think they have very late nights and watch loads of TV. Always come back not having had a bath or hair wash so they look really grubby. ExH is stingy beyond words and more expensive clothes always end up at his and they come back in old clothes and school uniform they have outgrown. The younger one is very very clingy and the older one says that Daddy wouldn't let her phone me. She never does her homework with him.

We were only in court in December. I don't think the court would change its mind.

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 17/01/2021 19:54

:( this sounds so so awful.
I can only go by my experience but my ex had an interim order for supervised contact in the community even though cafcass couldn't recommend contact.. After a few sessions I completely stopped because it was so unsafe.. The cafcass officer just told me that all i could do was get it back into court.. Well I did and this time we were in front of a different judge. He varied the order immediately when he had seen what had happened. I understand I'm not at final hearing stage, but this is causing detriment and emotional harm to you and your daughters.. The only way it'll change is if you get back in Court. You honestly can't carry on like this until your daughters turn 16 😢.

Chadvalley · 17/01/2021 20:08

@Pebbledashery

:( this sounds so so awful. I can only go by my experience but my ex had an interim order for supervised contact in the community even though cafcass couldn't recommend contact.. After a few sessions I completely stopped because it was so unsafe.. The cafcass officer just told me that all i could do was get it back into court.. Well I did and this time we were in front of a different judge. He varied the order immediately when he had seen what had happened. I understand I'm not at final hearing stage, but this is causing detriment and emotional harm to you and your daughters.. The only way it'll change is if you get back in Court. You honestly can't carry on like this until your daughters turn 16 😢.
The impression I got from my lawyer is that as long as the children aren't at risk of serious harm, they will spend time with exH because "they have a right to a relationship with both their parents". He isn't abusive to them, just sort of mildly neglectful and uninterested. Always, always on his phone etc. It was me he was awful to.
OP posts:
Chadvalley · 17/01/2021 20:26

I just thought, I would really love it if a Cafcass officer did an AMA on here.

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 17/01/2021 20:31

Omg yes I would completely bombard that thread!.
I have to say. My experience of cafcass so far has been really positive. The FCA knew just from my exes police record that he was the perpetrator. I was in a really very violent relationship then he started to abuse DD too. The safeguarding letter cafcass did was so damming. But basically he gave a polarised allegation to what I have said and has said he's the victim. Feel lucky they have recognised the abuse we went through because I know some people have been very unfortunate with cafcass 😢

refusetobeasheep · 17/01/2021 20:35

Yes I think if you have a police report cafcass reacts very differently, Just in case anyone out there is hesitating to call the police, do!

Chadvalley · 17/01/2021 20:49

@Pebbledashery

Omg yes I would completely bombard that thread!. I have to say. My experience of cafcass so far has been really positive. The FCA knew just from my exes police record that he was the perpetrator. I was in a really very violent relationship then he started to abuse DD too. The safeguarding letter cafcass did was so damming. But basically he gave a polarised allegation to what I have said and has said he's the victim. Feel lucky they have recognised the abuse we went through because I know some people have been very unfortunate with cafcass 😢
I'm so sorry to hear that Pebbledashery and I am really glad that you have managed to leave that horrible bustard behind you! Flowers Smile xxx
OP posts:
Chadvalley · 17/01/2021 20:51

@refusetobeasheep

Yes I think if you have a police report cafcass reacts very differently, Just in case anyone out there is hesitating to call the police, do!
Excellent advice!!!
OP posts:
UndyingDeathdefying · 17/01/2021 21:01

:(
I feel like I know this guy....

Beetlebum1981 · 17/01/2021 21:02

I've no experience of this at all but I do think you need to document the fact that your eldest wants to ring you and he won't let her. Like others have said put it into writing via email, explain that she's said she'd like to ring you when she's with him. Try not to be too emotional, just set it out clearly and ask him to ensure she gets the opportunity to.
I'd also be documenting things like the lack of washing. As you say it would likely just be classed as mild neglect (which infuriates me) but log all the details so you have a record.

PicsInRed · 17/01/2021 21:06

Document everything...post separation coercive control will soon be a crime.

See: Domestic Abuse Bill 2019-2021 - cross your fingers and bide your time. Flowers

Chadvalley · 17/01/2021 21:28

Oh that's great news Pics - I had no idea this was on the cards.

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 17/01/2021 21:33

You know as if victims of domestic abuse haven't gone through enough and then you have it from the family court that it's the best interest of a child to have a relationship with both parents. Sorry, explain to me how my child will profit from having a relationship with a VIOLENT AND ABUSIVE AND CONTROLLING MAN WITH THE INABILITY TO SHOW REMORSE OR ADMIT TO WHAT HE'S DONE??

PicsInRed · 17/01/2021 21:36

Pebbledashery

More good news...the upcoming law change will recognise children as victims of domestic violence in their own right and there is a concurrent review being conducted into whether the presumption of contact at all cost should continue.

Pebbledashery · 17/01/2021 21:36

9 times out of 10 children who are forced to see the abusive parent don't want to see them anyway..
My biggest fear is I'll lose my DD to him :(
I hope that you find some way to get through it @Chadvalley and not let him take over your life xxx

BlueThistles · 17/01/2021 21:36

this is so bad ...

I agree with email communication... he doesn't even allow your DD to call you anyway ... so no need for his bombardment via text.. Email only 🌺

Pebbledashery · 17/01/2021 21:37

@PicsInRed when is this bill expect to pass though?

JobRetentionScheme · 17/01/2021 21:46

You’ve lots of good advice on here. I’ve had experience of the same. Feel free to PM me if you want to ask anything.

chuffedasbuttons · 17/01/2021 23:04

I've been through it.

Block his phone number. Email him and tell him you have blocked his calls and texts. All communication re children must be documented on email.
Don't reply to emails.
Send him info only emails such as football club cancelled
DD is having school dinner from now on.

This is acceptable. My lawyer told me so!

Chadvalley · 17/01/2021 23:16

@Pebbledashery

9 times out of 10 children who are forced to see the abusive parent don't want to see them anyway.. My biggest fear is I'll lose my DD to him :( I hope that you find some way to get through it *@Chadvalley* and not let him take over your life xxx
Oh I'm so sorry, I'm sure you won't ❤ it is really good you have a police account- I think that will work in your favour? Flowers

The system is FLAWED... Until I ended up in this horror story I assumed abusive dads would just automatically lose their "right" to see their children but obviously I was very, very wrong. I almost wish I had stayed for a few years as then I could see DDs every day what they were small 😪

OP posts:
Chadvalley · 17/01/2021 23:19

@chuffedasbuttons

I've been through it.

Block his phone number. Email him and tell him you have blocked his calls and texts. All communication re children must be documented on email.
Don't reply to emails.
Send him info only emails such as football club cancelled
DD is having school dinner from now on.

This is acceptable. My lawyer told me so!

Thank you for this advice. He will be furious but I will do it. I might set up a separate email account or something as when I see his name in my inbox I have palpitations!
OP posts:
Chadvalley · 17/01/2021 23:20

@Pebbledashery

You know as if victims of domestic abuse haven't gone through enough and then you have it from the family court that it's the best interest of a child to have a relationship with both parents. Sorry, explain to me how my child will profit from having a relationship with a VIOLENT AND ABUSIVE AND CONTROLLING MAN WITH THE INABILITY TO SHOW REMORSE OR ADMIT TO WHAT HE'S DONE??
YY! 💯
OP posts:
BlueThistles · 18/01/2021 00:02

Please... for your sake.. set up the email ... and take the control of everything back 🌺

you can do this ☺️

Pebbledashery · 18/01/2021 00:06

It's really hard isn't it. I knew I didn't want to be in my relationship anymore but the thought of fighting him in court and continued abuse from him made me stay with him.. But it literally got to the point where had I not fled DD would've been removed from my care. I didn't need telling twice. Just the future that scares me.. What you've detailed in your original post is exactly how I imagine my ex to be if he was to have overnight contact. He wouldn't allow DD to speak to me. I feel like people who leave abusive relationships are just abused for the rest of their lives through child contact.